Miles to go before I sleep...

Hola everyone!

Welcome to my first post from the Camino. I am right now in a teeny tiny little village in Galatia (Spain) called ´´Barbadello´´ . I have walked approximately 20K today and my feet are feeling it big time!

It is hard to know what to say and where to start as there is soooo much that has happened here already. I feel as if I´ve lived a lifetime in the 5 days I´ve been here. I guess I´ll start by letting you know that when I arrived at this little ´´auberge´´ today, the first three people that I met were from OTTAWA! I almost fell over from pure shock! And none of the three knew each other before now! Unreal!

I have walked between 15 and 20 K each day so far...give or take a few here and there. I wish I could adequately describe the beauty of this place...it is impossible. Each day I climb mountains, walk through fields, forests, tiny ancient towns that, if I were to try and describe them you probably wouldn't believe me. As many of you know I have been to Europe quite a few times and seen a whole lot...but there is nothing that has compared to this experience.

There are pilgrims here from every corner of the world and I meet new people every day. It is fascinating...and astonishing how some of the 60 to 80 year olds are kicking my ass in terms of their supreme  ´´walking´´ abilities! I kid you not.

So far I have acquired a couple of blisters, feet that are beyond sore...and other physical discomforts, but the advantages to walking ´¨the way´´ far outweigh the pain. And I am slowly coming to realize that the discomfort is all a part of the experience. I am actually appreciating learning to walk through the pain. There is a certain satisfaction that comes with that.

OK - so since it is impossible for me to say all that I want to say here are some highlights:

• First night, Anton, Spanish bar owner personally driving me to find a hotel as everything in the tiny place I was starting at was full. He took me to a fresh spring to fill my water.
• My first 2 days literally in the mountains of Galatia in the morning of my first day on the Camino walking through clouds. 
• Having Octopus bought for me on the house by random Spanish stranger at a Tapas bar...and fresh cheese that had been made that day. Wow.
• Last night staying in one of the oldest monasteries in the western hemisphere!
• Meeting 2 amazing semi retired Canadian women and laughing till we cried talking about their adventures on the Camino. Hilarious.
• Going to a mass in an ancient church where the priest played a rousing Spanish song with the refrain ´´Ole, Ole, Ole!!!!´´ during the Eucharist!! While passing the peace he forced us all the hug each other - which was especially awkward for the German pilgrims! Ha!
• Stopping for ´´Cafe con leche´´ every 5 K! Best coffee ever in the universe. Seriously.
• Realizing that I can actually speak pretty decent Spanish! Who knew? (Thank you April and Tony!)
• Drinking wine with strangers every single night. There is not a night that has gone by where I haven't consumed a whole lot if it. Dirt cheap here. I love this land.
• Tonight's shower...best one yet.
• Watching a soccer match on TV with a bunch of Spaniards. You havent lived till you´ve seen this. 
• Reaching the top of a 12k climb straight uphill. Euphoria. There have been many moments like this. 
• Feeling suddenly part of a transient world family. Its amazing how close to people you are without even really knowing them. I have had so many amazing encounters with strangers. 
• The amazing feeling of walking through the mountains and feeling like you are the only one there. I´ve never in my life had this feeling before.
• Knowing that every single day is a brand new adventure. Literally. 

OK ' I could go on and on but I need to go wash my clothes and hang them and drink wine and eat dinner with the Ottawa contingent! Craziness!

Much love to ya´ll from ´´El Camino´´.

-Julia

before i go.

A new depth of sadness rose up in me the other day
as I walked down the street I thought it was choking me.
An unguarded moment that slipped past.
So sneaky
that my eyes clouded over.
I imagined a smaller version of myself curling up like a little ball on the sidewalk
knees to chest.
But I only paused briefly, clenched my fists, kept walking.

It is in this way that you enter, silently, into my days.
Disrupting my futile attempts at control.

Last week i dreamt I had been tied to a chair in a room
and gagged.
I looked out of the small window of the room and saw you walking by.
I tried to yell, but you didn't hear me -
      My mouth full of cloth.

Daily I try, in my way, to die to this.
To kill whatever it is that needs to be killed
Inside of me.

But there are the days I forget why.
So instead i'll struggle to remember what your voice sounded like
or the quiet way that it cleared a space in me.

The confusion chips away at your image
Your face fades though I try to reconstruct it
piece by piece
with my fingertips.

soft.

So now I'm like a leafless tree in late fall.
Shivering,
and waiting for the cold

to

descend.

Rain in Spain

 Spain bound

 
Hi all! 

So seven days from today I'll be boarding a plane bound for Madrid with nothing but a backpack and a whole lot of hope in my somewhat exhausted heart.

The goal is to walk a portion of the 'Camino De Santiago', an ancient pilgrimage also known as 'The way of St. James' which stretches across northern Spain. For some info on it check here. It's been a long held desire to embark on 'the way', and I wasn't expecting it to come so soon...but due to life events and some serendipity it's pretty obvious that now is the time. I just hope my body (and my feet!) will hold up. I also hope some of my Spanish will magically come back to me.

BTW - Many thanks to former pilgrims (Ruth, Kate - you guys rock!) who have inspired me and reminded me of the light at the end of the current tunnel I'm in, which of course include loads of Spanish wine and life changing encounters on 'the road'.

Transition is the name of the game for me right now, which is part of why the camino fits in so many ways. As I write this I am in Guelph up to my eyeballs in boxes boxes and more boxes. The accumulation of 36 years of my life is now lying in boxes, crates, bags of various sizes awaiting transport. It definitely doesn't look like much from where I sit right now! Anyway, life for the past week has been a packing marathon (and yes - I am right now procrastinating). Tomorrow the marathon will continue as I load up a van, head to the hammer to store stuff, head to Ottawa to drop the rest off, head back to Toronto 2 days later for an oncology follow up app (!!), pick up my passport , pack my backpack, and head to Spain. 

Yowsers. 

My head is spinning from all of the planning, organizing, emotional and literal upheaval, and the burgeoning of massive life change that is now commencing. A tidal wave of feelings is always on the verge of washing over me - sadness, excitement, fear, apprehension, hope, grief...you name it - I'm probably feeling it. It's some juicy stuff, I tell you! I'm not gonna lie though - as 'educational'  and 'character building' as the whole  'starting over' experience is, I look forward to when its over.

So, due to my insatiable love of quotes, here is the latest I am clinging to right now....coming 'atcha from a brilliant Tibetan Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron. It reminds me of why I'm embarking on pilgrimage at this stage in life:

"When we approach life as an experiment we're willing to try it this way and that way, because either way we have nothing to lose...if it's time for something to flourish - it will. If it's not time - it won't. We can just step forward with curiosity, wondering where this experiment will lead."

One more step along the path...Camino, here I come.

-Julia

Walt

"Life without risk is Disneyland"

 -Douglas Coupland

True risk. 

It requires immense courage to live ones most authentic life. 

We all choose, in big and small ways, between what makes us comfortable and what brings us alive. 

And I think the vast majority of folks choose the former. 

And I think its so easy to label those that choose risk as "reckless", "naive" or "crazy". I guess that's how its been throughout all of history. 

The dreamers always get fucked in the end.

Well - this here bitch can no longer live in fear of what anyone else says or thinks. 

I can't live as a slave to some elusive 'security' that only makes my essential self smaller and smaller.  

For me - living with true risk is actually a step out of illusion into reality.

Reality - in all its beauty and precariousness.

It's the harder way, the more vulnerable way, the way that can break you into little pieces.

It ain't no Disneyland.

But it's the only way.

 

this is being alive

[I first read this poem while I was on a silent retreat last fall. It was shortly after my diagnosis. I found it tucked into a journal. The truth of it for my life then and now shakes me.] 

Transition

by Darcy R.

Caught between branches

hanging-

awaiting the ground.

Eyes wide open,

control out of reach.

The crash of the waves, wind in my hair,

lightening --

Showing me glimpses of my future below.

Looking back I see so much.

If only I had

if only I'd

if only I'd not ---

I'd still be standing, two feet on the ground.

Now -

only the elements have control

over where

i

land

i

am

caught between branches

loved by nothing but the ideas I've imagined.

I am a particle of dust

of many born from one

and will return to the grass that grows.

Caught between branches

hanging -

waiting to crash to the ground.

Eyes wide open

yet control out of reach.

I relinquish

and for once

I am ok

I will survive

I want to fall free of the world above

where I've come from.

Held so highly by the minds I've imagined.

I am intimiately aware of my weight pressed into the tree,

my skin, my blood, my tears.

I am intimately aware that I am alive.

I am alive.

adventure

"Security is mostly a superstition.

It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of humankind as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or it is nothing at all. "

-Helen Keller

Song of Good Hope

Well if we're gonna make it,
Cross this river alive,
You better think like a boat,
And go with the tide,

And I've known where you've been,
Has really left you in doubt,
Of ever finding a harbour,
Of figuring this out,

And you're gonna need, all the help you can get,
So lift up your arms now, and reach for it,
Reach for it...

And take your time babe,
It's not as bad as it seemed,
You'll be fine babe,
It's just some rivers and streams,
In between, you and where you want to be,
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/g/glen_hansard/song_of_good_hope.html ]
Watch the signs now,
You'll know what they mean,
You'll be fine now,
Just stay close to me,
And may good hope, walk with you through everything,

Take your time babe,
It's not as bad as it seems,
You'll be fine babe,
It's just some rivers and streams,
In between, you and where you want to be,

Watch the signs now,
You'll know what they mean,
You'll be fine now,
Just stay close to me,
And may good hope walk with you through everything,
May the song of good hope
walk with you through everything.

-Glen Hansard

Reprieve - or not.

Just needed a little reprieve. From "world o' Cancer".
Just wanted to blog on a nice clear blog not bogged down with all the shite.
I just wanna pretend for right now that everything is fine, that this never happened, and life is continuing on as "normal". As if there is really such a thing. Quel Blague.

It is ironic that even as I try to escape my reality by venting on my original blog, here I am blogging about it anyway. I guess because as much as I might try to escape all this and pretend it's not happening, I am still consumed by it. And there isn't a whole lot I can do about that fact. Other than just wait it out.

Hunker down, stay low,
watch for the dark clouds to pass overhead.
Do not get up until the shaking stops.

Entering into the last phases (hopefully) of this experience has brought up the fact that soon life will be hanging in the balance again, and I will have to pick up, dust off, and see what is next for me in life. And this fact is overwhelming to me. It's like simultaneously being presented with both the opportunity of a lifetime, and a giant pain in the ass.

I have no doubt: major changes lie ahead. I can feel it, subtly, like a slight change in the atmosphere of my inner world. It shifts. And I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle whatever these changes will bring. But I'm not sure I can stand back either.

I guess that's the thing that life threatening disease does - or anything that really, seriously shakes up ones world: It drives home the fact that you only have one life. One very, very brief episode on this spinning planet. And you might as well do the absolute very best you can with it. You might as well figure out what the hell you really want and pursue it as hard as you can. You might as well find the root of your ultimate longing and desire and run with all your might towards this.

So much for a 'reprieve'.

temporary new blog alert

hi...

Here is a temporary new blog.

Check it out

www.juliacancershmancer.blogspot.com

pax,
-jc

Tale of 2 cities....

So I'm not sure if I mentioned this earlier but I've been living in two cities - Guelph and Toronto. For the most part I've been living in Toronto (at least lately) even though my "home" technically speaking is in Guelph. This means that I exist in a very strange in between world which contains a lot of commuting and feeling somewhat displaced no matter where I am. There are a lot of pros to this situation - namely that I get to do work that I love, I get to live both rural and urban, I get to spend time with friends in the city and maintain connections here. The downsides are the ones I've been thinking more about lately....

The major down-side: being apart from "The Donald" (a.k.a - the fiancee) for extended periods of time. Being away from "Kitty" (a.k.a fatso katso) for extended periods of time also sucks. It so happens that the past couple of months I have been in Toronto for major pro-longed stretches and haven't been in Guelph much at all. I think in the past month I have probably spent 4 or 5 days there scattered. This is starting to get me down. It's not so much being away from "Guelph" but being away from my own bed, my books, my cat, the back deck, my bike, my full wardrobe...that sort of thing.

I was talking to a friend about this today...the fact that I've been missing the normal day to day routine of living together and am looking forward to a time when I won't be constantly juggling my time between 2 places. It's gotten to the point where i feel like my "rolling travel bag" is like an appendage. It's rather pathetic. Maybe I should start wearing a fanny pack everywhere I go and become a 'perpetual tourist'.

So that's all on this topic.
10-4
-jc

She's getting....

...Hitched!

I don't think many people, if any, read this thing anymore - but what the hay - I thought I'd give the report anyway. The unimaginable has happened....Julia is getting married. To this guy:

The Donald.

It's totally anti-climactic in many ways since we've been together for 5 years and some (?) and have been living together for 2 (or more?) in the booming metropolis of Guelph. I'm not good with dates....or time lines. In any case, the date is set and we'll be officially tying the knot next summer outside (weather permitting) on the Ignatius Centre property in Guelph on the same land where Don farms. It's a very beautiful place that holds a lot of meaning for both of us.

It feels weird to say that we are "engaged", although I guess that is what we are. I think i feel strange around it because it seems way too traditional or "old-school" in my mind for some reason. It also co notates a state of waiting for that 'big day where suddenly we begin a life together', which seems strange since we are already well along that path. I feel like the day we get married is another step on a journey we've already undertaken. A significant one - but not to be overshadowed by all the decisions, compromises - both large and small, celebrations, responsibilities etc, that we've already experienced and gone through together.

In some ways, the whole experience of deciding to do this has made me more aware of the ways that our culture has completely over-blown and romanticised marriage. Starting with the wedding. Yikes - it's a zoo! I never knew there was, like, one BILLION wedding blogs out there! One thing that makes me laugh is the "engagement photo". What the??!!?? Since when was this a thing??!! Super cheesy poses of couples kissing under a tree, and on a bridge, and next to a horse, and on a swing, feeding the ducks etc etc etc. BARF!!! Who cares!!!!

Sooooo very CHEESY. (Sorry for the all caps. Couldn't help it). And all the super hip wedding bloggers drive me just as crazy - if not more....I dunno - I guess it's all a little much.

Anyway, all the marketing weirdness has made me really have to stop and consider what it really means...for me...and for us. It can be hard to strip all the hoop-lah away and get to the crux of it. I know for me it's important that I make a public commitment to Don. And it's also about the important people witnessing it...I know I need those things. It's about more than this but in ways that are deep and hard for me to articulate at this point.

To be sure - there will be more venting about this topic in the year ahead. Oh joy.

-Julia

BallyHack

The BallyHack is the name of a small boat owned by my grandparents at thier summer home in Newfoundland. I spent many very happy hours in this little boat. Some of the happiest in my memory.

A Dream:
Last night I dreamt that I was in the Ballyhack again - it was a new and improved version....very shiny. I was in it with my Father and Mother and we were going to take it for a spin. My Father was driving, and I crawled into a space at the front of the boat. The boat started to go and I felt more exhilarated that I've felt in years...pure euphoria. It was a very very bright and beautiful day. I moved to the back of the boat and watched the wake...and relished in each bump the boat took as it ricocheted against the waves. Suddenly, the boat began to lift right off of the water and started flying through the air! It was as if it suddenly became a great bird and took us on the most breathtaking tour of the coast - at times swooping and flying low just above the water, and at times flying almost into the clouds.
It was a beautiful dream.

Louisiana nights

Sitting in my backyard. It's 10:30 pm and it smells just like Baton Rouge. It's that thick moist smell. The air just hanging, dead calm...and it's like I can smell the leaves on the plants....I don't know....but it smells just like Louisiana did at night.
Makes me ache for the deep south. Makes me long for a really long road trip, or plane ride or train ride.

yup - I've got that travel bug....bigtime.

I think I'm just restless after spending a month relaxing in Guelph.

I'm also thinking of my friends....Kate just left on a major Europe adventure, complete with 3 young children, and they are all probably having a picnic in some France countryside right now.
April is in Costa Rica, where she has been for awhile now, but I think of her and wish I were there experiencing the wonder of that place with her - drinking coffee in her new house on the hill. I do miss it. Jacob just came back from months in Africa. Then there are some of my fellow bloggers - Lisa globe trotter extraordinaire - and Esther playing her Ukulele in Korea. I suppose, when I think about it, people I know are periodically scattered all over the globe. I wish sometimes I could scatter myself all over the globe, experience the bounty of beautiful moments that only travelling can bring, and then just come back when I need to. That would be sweeeet.

Then again, maybe it's just restlessness that needs to be patiently dealt with and worked out of me. Who the heck knows?

Anyway - this was a bit of a rambling post. Whatev.

Peace to all near and far.

Narrative

So I know that in an era of twitters, smart phones and whatever else - blogging is slowly fading away into the technological past....but I will not surrender. No sir. Not me:

"I will still use a pen and pencil, I will still write in a journal that is just for my own eyes, I will still play cassette tapes, I will still use an embarrassing email address that I have had since I was 19 (Am I that old?), I will still use a human bank teller occasionally (OK - that one is a lie)....and yes, I will still blog!!!! Thank you, thank you very much."
[Insert crazy applause and moving orchestral arrangement here.]

So...do you ever feel like your life has lost it's narrative....or narrator...or any kind of of plot, sequence, structure, or...umm...point? I've been feeling like this the past few days. This is partly due to the end of 8 months of a nomadic lifestyle and somewhat feverish activity. Some people thrive on this, but all the activity, although much of it truly amazing, has left me feeling exhausted, scattered and without a cohesive "story-line". I am realizing more and more that I am someone who really needs time to process my experiences. Or else it all starts to feel like randomness. Too much randomness and I start to like a dismembered body...all my limbs floating around in search of each other. I struggle to root myself - and fight against it at the same time. I probably just have a bad case of ADHD. Heh heh.

Here's what I've been up to:

• My internship with Jumblies Theatre in Toronto extended until the beginning of June. It was a truly inspiring experience working with so many incredible, talented artists....and so many diverse communities. I learned SO much. It deserves it's own blog posting.

• Spent a week in Ottawa with the folks. Visited Ottawa peeps - great time.

• Came back and spent 2 more weeks in Toronto touring a Community arts play with Arts4All: "It Happened in My Apartment". A musical play based on true stories of people living in a Toronto community Housing building. Complete with beautiful puppets! I was in heaven!

• Came back to Guelph for 4 days and then took off for a week of camping in Bon Echo Park. Survived very close run ins with bears. Very exciting.

• Returned to Toronto to complete a 2 week intensive course for my 'Early Childhood Music Education' Program at the RCM. This course was great, but in a word: 'Intense'.

So I am actually back in Guelph. Sometimes I have forgotten where I live in the midst of everything. The reality is setting in right now as I listen to the cicadas, observe the tomato plants growing and watch the birds chase each other. Life is about to slow down.

Anyway, that's my update. I'll probably have more time to blog over the next little while....I am hoping.

Peace,
-jc

Insecurities = Boo.

Claiming the Sacredness of Our Being....
Are we friends with ourselves? Do we love who we are? These are important questions because we cannot develop good friendships with others unless we have befriended ourselves.

How then do we befriend ourselves? We have to start by acknowledging the truth of ourselves. We are beautiful but also limited, rich but also poor, generous but also worried about our security. Yet beyond all that we are people with souls, sparks of the divine. To acknowledge the truth of ourselves is to claim the sacredness of our being, without fully understanding it. Our deepest being escapes our own mental and emotional grasp.

*************************************

The above quote comes attcha' from Henri. J. Nouwen....source of all wisdom...or at least, a whole lot of it. I post this today as a reminder to myself, mainly because over the last 2 weeks I have had a really difficult time doing just this - that is - "claiming the sacredness of my being". I guess it's normal, but as I have been venturing out of my comfort zone lately into new and relatively uncharted territory in work and life, although inspiring at times, it has also brought out some of my deep insecurities. I have found myself lately thinking things such as "I am so bad at this...I am not as good as so-and-so...why do I even bother...I am so fat...I am so unaccomplished...I haven't done enough in life...what's the point...this is probably just a dumb idea...". The list goes on and on and on and on. There is just a lot of self consciousness happening that is really hindering me in enjoying things. And that bothers me. It's the demon of perfectionism creeping in. AAAAaaarrrg. It sometimes stifles every creative urge that I have. No good.

"Our deepest being escapes our own emotional grasp."
I think this really is the crux of the issue. I am mostly completely out of touch with my essential essence. It's a total mystery to my adult self. The only time I may have been slightly aware of it was as a very young child. And then.."poof"....it's gone.

Speaking of which: Today, as I was preparing for a class drinking a coffee I was observing 2 little girls playing total imagination games with each other. At one point they were playing "Dentist" and the one little who was the dentist girl says to the other "Wow - look at your tooth I just pulled out! So Yellow - you really need to come and see me more often" Then she held up the imaginary tooth for the other little girl to see, and she stared at the invisible thing, and as if it was totally real she exclaims "Wow - I see what you mean. Reeeeally yellow!"

I'm not sure what exactly it was about that exchange, but it made me really wish that I was 4 again and absolutely wrapped up in the moment, and not in my weird little inferiority complex.

Anyway - that is my thought for the day. totally
peace out.
-jc

Do it now

Hi! I'm back in the blogosphere after a very long hiatus. The photo above was taken by a friend of mine....he found it painted on a wall. Anyway, this will be my mantra for the coming year. And I feel that, so far, I have been pretty successful!

News Update: I am currently doing a 4 month internship with an amazing Theatre company in Toronto focused on community arts. The Theatre company is called Jumblies Theatre. It has been a very busy and extremely inspiring 2 months for me. After many years of trying to find truly meaningful work that does not burn me out, suck me dry, or leave me bored and bereft of creativity I feel like I'm finally in a place where the pieces of my somewhat insane life experience actually fit. It is a rather euphoric experience!

In addition to the internship I am also in school for Early Childhood Music Education. Busy times.

For those of you who may be wondering, yes, I am still technically based in Guelph, but I am splitting my time between the big city and the small city right now. This means that I spend a giant chunck of my time on buses or some other form of transit. But it's worth it, and also really nice to be able to escape the mad frantic pace of life in the big T dot. For example, not having to deal with getting through crowds of pedestrains staring at thier iphones is a nice break. Toronto's newest epidemic is the iphone. Arg.

So, this was my somewhat boring news update.
I leave you with the quote that bears repeating:

You don't need TIME
and perfect conditions
Do it now
Do it today
Do it for 20 minutes
And watch
Your heart....Start....Beating.

later skaters,
-Julia

33 in Guelph, ON.

It's 3pm on Friday afternoon and I am sitting in the Red Brick Cafe in Downtown Guelph. Get this - the place has FREE WIRELESS!! Can you believe it??!! Wahooo!

I feel like I've just won the jackpot.

So, I thought I'd try and give a more thorough update on my life since I've been so lackadaisical about it as of late. I have to defend myself though, by saying that not having the Internet has made me lazy about many things, not just blogging. Hopefully I will get my butt in gear and get it soon.

So the first news of the day is....that I turned the dreaded...get ready for it...33 years old this week!! Sweet Mother of God!! 33 years old. Holy Crap. I would put some expletives in here as well...but I think y'all get the point. How can I be nearing my mid thirties when in many ways I still feel like I'm twelve??? What the?! Will I always feel like I'm twelve?? Reminds me of when I was holding a 3 month old infant on my knee yesterday, and he was all slumped over having just fallen straight to sleep, and I was struck with how much he reminded me of an old man. Life is so unreal that way...we return just as we came: bald, tiny, dependant, diapered and slumped over. I wonder if it's God's funny little joke to him/herself.
And on that happy note.....I just spilt my coffee over my keyboard. Arg.

Guelph: small city or mid-sized town?

My answer: Mid sized town.
Maybe I'm a bigg(er) city snob, but there is no way that this place can be classified as a "city". Yes, it's a fun town that has a decent bookstore - two actually, a few good coffee shops, some great restaurants, a library, a little downtown and cool stuff going on....but it is most definitely NOT a city. My guess is they call it a city because of the suburb sprawl that has accumulated at a very fast rate over the past ten years. But that's what it is: suburb - not city. I don;t care if it has 115,000 people living here. Most of them live in a suburb. And the downtown core where I live, is the center of a mid-sized town with a University - not a city. Doesn't the word "city" conotate "urban"?? Why do the miles and miles of suburb classify as "city"? I'm not sure why this distinction gets to me...it just does. But I guess the same can be said for a lot of other places in the GTA, namely, BRAMPTON (God, what a horrible horrible place). I think that there should be a rule that suburbs should be called something else...like...."Lego pre-fab ugly as sin housing next to (insert name of mid-sized town here)". Yeah.

Sorry for the tangent. It's hard to put into words in a blog what has been happening to me since I moved to Guelph. Some of the most obvious things are the feelings of being surrounded by the natural world. Tree's seem so generous and all pervasive here. And birds are tweeting everywhere and so much more noticeably then anywhere I have lived before. You drive or ride your bike a little ways in a certain direction and you are literally surrounded by fields and forests. It's amazing to me and has been slowly shifting my way of being. I have been commuting many weekends into Toronto to work and am always jarred by the difference and have trouble adjusting back into the slowed, more natural pace of life after a weekend in the city. I feel a bit like I'm still in between places and look forward to when that will not be the case.

On a deeper level, the sudden removal of all that is familiar has been unsettling and it has been hard feeling like the 'newbie' in a place again. I also feel like I have been on a "prolonged retreat" in a way...not so many distractions....so things just surface I guess. I think it has been a good thing, but not always so easy.

One major perk has been the steady stream of friends and family coming in and out. I have really enjoyed offering people a little break from city life....

Tonight hopefully I will plant my herb garden, finally!

So this has been long. I will try and post some pics of life soon.

That's it that's all.
peaceo,
-jc

the town I'm from

Hellooooo Blogger land.

I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged. I am only writing now because I am in Ottawa and have full access to the Internet for the first time in over a month...wow...it's like I've been living in the dark ages or something.

So I'm here in Ottawa on a very quick trip that I wish was longer. I'm thinking right now of dear friends...the Rochelle and Mike and Jim and Sues and Jen and Andrew and Marcia and others. People I hope I do see very soon. Thankfully i was able to head up to beautiful Wakefield to see Krissy and the kids who are growing like crazy and making me feel so old! They are turning into such amazing people. It is good to see old friends.

It has been so nice to be here in the height of springtime, daffodils popping up on every corner, tulips of every imaginable colour literally adorn the city, the bright greenness of everything makes all of nature here look like it's bursting at the seams with life. Spring. I have even had a moment or two of sheer pleasure. The kind of moment where you are walking along and every problem, concern, anxiety, and thought is suspended in time and the only thing that exists in the entire universe is just me, the only sound are my footsteps on the path in front of me, the only sight is the purple little flowers poking out of the grass and the only feeling is the warmth of the sun on my face....and then it's gone. But those moments are so few and far between. I consider them pure gift. It has been a great few days.

It was my Dad's birthday, and my sister and niece and nephew were down to celebrate, so I decided to come a little late and celebrate with them. A good time was had by all. Tomorrow I head back to Guelph the train, which is way too exiting for a greyhound junkie such as myself.

For some reason this trip has been particularly nostalgic for me. I have found myself walking around and thinking about some of the really good years I spent in this neighborhood. Some of the more care-free and truly happy times of my life (with some bad days sprinkled in there, of course). Thinking a lot about all the different people that filled those days. I think for the first time I have started to miss things about my life here, or that time of my life, or the past. I felt like all the familiar places were filled with the ghosts of people I havent seen in years. Although it's been a great few days, I feel a certain definite kind of sadness. I'm not exactly sure what it's about. Maybe it's a saying goodbye to the past and kindof wishing it werent over. Maybe it's a kind of letting go. This is the city I grew up in, after all. There is a lot of myself in this place. Sometimes I forget....and then it just hits me.

Right now I am wondering why I can hear what sounds exactly like a lawnmower at 1:45AM. This place may be pretty but very strange sometimes.

Anyway, I will soon give a Guelph/life update but it's way too late at night and time for me to go to bed or something like that.

Hope you are doing well, whoever you are out there.

PBC's

Peanut butter cups rock.

Yeah... really really tasty. And thats all I'll say about that.

"Nothing happens,
and nothing happens,
and then everything happens."
-Fay Weldon

Isn't that always the way, though?
It is 5:45 am on Easter Sunday morning. I won't get into the details of why I am up at such an ungodly hour, but don't worry it really isn't very exciting at all.
I know this is a lame entry. I'm really tired, and have a headache and don't have much to say even though there are a million things swimming around in my head. Some important, some unimportant, some completely moronic, some just kinda bobbing along the surface irritating the snot out of me. But I stop and pause before I begin to spew them all out on this blog. No, not smart. Mmmm yes...the good old World Wide Web.

There is a question right now is repeating itself over and over in my head. I am sure thousands before me have asked it since the dawning of time itself. Sometimes, even on a blessed Easter morning such as this, it can come down to this one simple question:

"Is life just one damn thing after another?"

So it'll be a curmudgeonly Easter morn after all. But in the end folks, it's all good in the hood.
Word.