this is being alive

[I first read this poem while I was on a silent retreat last fall. It was shortly after my diagnosis. I found it tucked into a journal. The truth of it for my life then and now shakes me.] 

Transition

by Darcy R.

Caught between branches

hanging-

awaiting the ground.

Eyes wide open,

control out of reach.

The crash of the waves, wind in my hair,

lightening --

Showing me glimpses of my future below.

Looking back I see so much.

If only I had

if only I'd

if only I'd not ---

I'd still be standing, two feet on the ground.

Now -

only the elements have control

over where

i

land

i

am

caught between branches

loved by nothing but the ideas I've imagined.

I am a particle of dust

of many born from one

and will return to the grass that grows.

Caught between branches

hanging -

waiting to crash to the ground.

Eyes wide open

yet control out of reach.

I relinquish

and for once

I am ok

I will survive

I want to fall free of the world above

where I've come from.

Held so highly by the minds I've imagined.

I am intimiately aware of my weight pressed into the tree,

my skin, my blood, my tears.

I am intimately aware that I am alive.

I am alive.