sick AGAIN!

Woke up today with my sinuses completely clogged and my throat all scratchy.
I thought I had already been through all this! You'd think that a 10 days basically sleeping over Christmas would have nipped it in the bud. Apparently not.

Went out for breakfast with Rob K and dropped one of his little vitamin c pills into my water so that it became full of bubbles and bright orange. I may have to OD on those bad boys over the next week.

My room is also like a refrigerator. I think it's time to bring in the big guns....block heaters...here we come!!

To end on a more positive note: I am grateful for bright sunny days.

Happy SUNday.
-Julia

Global Warming and tears.

I guess it's really in effect now. I feel as if I'm being tricked into spring....like I need to plant flowers or something. It's so warm and beautiful outside....and it's almost the middle of January!!! I can't imagine how the birds feel. Pretty fucked up probably. I just really hope that we're not shovelling snow in April. That would bite. Hardcore.

had a day of "emotional leakage" on Tuesday...brought on by RS - his speaking at WBB was a reminder of everything I've been trying to forget about...in order to function. Reminded of everything that has happened...all the stress and craziness and pain. Reminder that sometimes life is pain. It completely undid me. so so so so humiliating having mini emotional breakdowns in public. I truly hate that. Anyway. It was shocking even to myself as i've been feeling pretty on top of things lately. the psyche is a complex thing. it can file away alot..

So I hid away on campus and curled up in the sun and let my eyes quietly leak and leak and leak and then I slept deeply. And then i felt better.

Almost missed my first apointment with my spiritual director, though.
Which is a topic for another blog.

and now it's time to enjoy the sun. I love days like this.
peace friends,
-julia

the shelter..

Worked another 12 hours at the shelter today.
A whole lot of men.
A whole lot of messy men.

Strangest thing is - i'm completely wierded out by how much I can relate to these guys...

I was saying to Shelley tonight...I think I relate to the self hatred. I almost wince writing it. But it's true.
The only difference between mine and thiers is that mine is dressed up - and I've found ways of copeing with it...manageing it.
In a wierd way it can be a relief for me to spend the day with a group of individuals who have absolutely nothing to prove....or at least...they have no need to keep up a pretense. It frees me to drop my own. Sometimes it's frustrating...but it's real. Often glareingly and painfully real.
And I really like most of them. I really appreciate who they are: strong strong people who don't recognize it.
I think i can honestly say that alot of them are stronger than i will ever be. You have to be to go through the kind of shit that they do and survive...and face each day...and even laugh and talk and...keep going.

One of them told me today that I have gained weight.
oh - the honesty.

must take shower and sleep.
Out
-Julia

Throw down your arms....

When we are free from the need to judge or condemn, we can become a safe place for people to meet in vulnerability, and take down the walls that separate them. Being deeply rooted in the love of God , we cannot help but invite people to love one another. When people realize that we have no hidden agenda's or unspoken intentions, that we are not trying to gain any profit for ourselves, and that our only desire is for peace and reconciliation, they may find the inner courage and wisdom to leave thier guns at the door and enter into conversation with thier enemies.

Our ministry of reconciliation most often takes place when we ourselves are least aware of it. Our simple, non-judgemental presence does it.

-Henri Nouwen
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I spent a good part of yesterday evening at the police station....waited for them in the rain for an hour...rode in the back of the cruiser with M. for her to make a statement. She booked herslef into a shelter last week after she got kicked up the stairs...waited with her for a half hour on the bench in the station and the amount of people filing in and out of the place was crazy. The police for the most part are good folk trying to help...but there was so much "machise" going on that I didnt really want to leave her to deal with them alone. She's a tough cookie though, that one. I'm amazed at her ability to deal. If it were me I would break under the pressure...i'm quite sure.

I just had the overall sense of what it means to be lost in a system....the cold cold system.
So here's to a safe secure place to live. So here's to a solid support group in my life. So here's to the fact that I have never had to make a police statement. So here's to the fact that I have relative mental health....and financial security.

lates,
-julia

New year - ever so gentle.

It's uncanny the amount of inner peace i feel entering back into community life after the break.
I know it is sheer gift and grace...this peace and calm. A complete surprise, really...after the steady pace of hectic that December was.

We had the most relaxed meal together last night....ringing in the new year together - ever so gently...with laughter and the kids playing. Just enjoying one another. Simple as that.... and it was so good - i felt at home amongst family. i felt truly content.
Fun is on the agenda this month....I can hardly believe it but I am truly looking forward to the months ahead at Zac's. I was so amazed yesterday coming back from work at the shelter...how un-rushed I felt. For the first time in a really long time things feel right. Maybe i should knock on wood. We'll see.

So here it comes: Have had a few conversations with people around new years resolutions. Those dang new years resolutions! I do feel like there are some things I want to work on. Maybe I should write some of them here...to remind myself:

1) Self Care -
learning how to take time for myself in a healthy, more integrated way. Listening to music more...trying not to rush around as much...taking more baths...getting time to write and play at least one time a week. Just enjoying life and things that I love a little more. And valueing myself a little more.
2) Prayer -
want to learn to pray the rosary!! But the more important one...I want to have centering prayer a more regular part of my daily life. This will be difficult. No doubt - it is the most important thing I can do for myself actually. I know it will be the major piece that enables me to live life here fully and with the most joy. and the most sanity.
3) Living more in the present moment -
the biggie. pretty self explanatory.
4) The gym -
I've been avoiding this one like the plague. But I think I'm gonna have to start this winter. not just because of my growing ass - but for my mind as well. I hate the hibernation factor of winter. and i can't ride my bike through mounds of snow. it has to be done. yikes. Lord have mercy.

This will be the mantra for 2006: "THE PRESSURE IS OFF!"
Everybody - repeat after me: THE PRESSURE IS OFF!

>enter freedom.

peace folks,
-julia

Last night of my official holiday....

since tomorrow i am going back to the big city -
with some fear and trepidation.

i've been here for 9 days. 9 relatively quiet lazy hazy days. it's been swell. other than the mack truck cold and phlegm. I have way too much crap to load onto the greyhound. it won't be pretty. i really wish i hadnt brought my guitar.

it's really hard to believe that we're headed into 2006. in, like, a DAY. yikes. 2006 - i feel like we should be using those jetson type cars now or something. :) You know the ones...they kindof hover above the sidewalk, and you just zoom along.
man - if only life were like that.

i finally bought myself a rosary today. my very own gorgeous rosary. I bought at St. Patricks. it is very beautiful. i feel like i've waited my whole life to buy this thing. too bad i don't know how to say it. that will be one of my new things to learn in 2006 - how to pray the rosary....or maybe i'll just make up my own prayers per bead....(my apologies to any catholics who may be reading this right now). Anyway - I am especially looking forward to Epiphany this year...maybe because I feel I may be on the verge of a few of my own.

actually now that I think of it - the trip home won't be that bad...what with the new cd's (Johnny Cash, Coltrane and thelonius Monk live at carnegie Hall, Sinead O'connors reggae - throw down your arms, Joni mitchell - politically charged tunes), and all that yummy new yarn for fresh knitting....and all the new books....yes - life is good.

{OTTAWA JUST SCORED - YAY!!!}

good-bye fair Ottawa. Until next time.
over and out
-Julia

Props to the Carpenters...

So After looking over my last few blogs I was like - wow - how deeeepressing!

So - in the kitchy spirit of the season....here's a little ditty. God, i love Karen Carpenters Christmas album...enjoy:

Come hear those sliegh bells jingleing
Ring-ting-tingleing too
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Let's hit the snow before us and sing a chorus or two
Come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up - let's go
Get on with the show
We're riding in a wonderland of snow

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up - it's grand
just holding your hand...
We're riding around in the scene of a wintery fairy land.

Come hear those sleigh bells jingleing
Ring-ting-tingleing too
Come on it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride
together
with you.

Merry Christmas to one and all.
Peace on Earth,
-julia

parties and sorrow and other things....

I'm in the parkdale library. taking a breather before the big Catholic Worker Christams party. It's ironic in a way...as I am so not in the mood to "party". Get drunk - yes. Sing carols - no.

The tinsel is on the tree. the deserts are ready. Everyone has probably been scampering around getting ready..the presents are wrapped. I havnt been around much for the pre-festivities. I am hiding in the library. I think H bought me some plates to break.... yipeeee.

It's Christmas and the bad parts of me are surfaceing as life is consumed with others. we all have this utopian vision of what it means to be living in authentic community - doing hospitality - living for and with others - living out our ideals of a more just and whole society. Then theres the part where you wake up and realize that it is not all idealistic. It is mostly the hard realities of life slapping you in the face...the day in day out living with each other...having to smile when all you feel like doing is crying - and sometimes doing that too.

I was thinking about all these things last night as we sat down around the table to eat our meal. I noticed the 'Gollum' in me come out as M was asking me for the fifth time to get her something - a glass of milk - more beans - 3 more peices of chicken - etc. and I hadnt starting eatign yet...I was grumpy and tired and emotionally spent...and I was stuffing the urge to literally FREAk out. And then I thought about what M said about what it is we really do here...more than the activism and talk and work and idealism etc:
What we do is attend to each other.
And sometimes very badly. We attend to all our sometimes cleverly hidden disfunction...and wierdness...and tempers..and exhaustion...and need. so much need.

I keep having to remind myself to try and be easy on myself...what with the hostage taking, the vigiling, the decapitated head at the end of the street. Nerves are frazzled way beyond the normal frazzles...and lately i've been forgetting about that. We are being daily confronted with the hard nugget of human pain and suffering. It is a hard thing to keep facing sorrow at it's most vulnerable and raw.

Party time.

peace,
-Julia

I should be in bed.

When i got here I had so much stuff I wanted to get out...and now...it's all escaped. Poof - gone.

Hmmm...

I feel there are so many fundamental questions that are needing answers. God - I hate the word "fundamental". And yet...

What is my place here? What am i called to do here? What are we called to do here? Why am I here in this place at this time? Why do I feel do angry all the time lately? How do i stay true to who I am right now without flipping out? Where is peace?

I need to understand my own limits and boundaries...but am so exhausted...that I have no idea how to even start to do that. I need nourishment....deep nourishment of the soul...in order to be present - and some kind of source of nourishment for others in this community...in this house... but am i even called to be that right now?

I guess i just think that I should be or feel so much stronger than i do. I want to do the best job I can. But I am so burdened with a sense of all prevadeing resentment...and I barely know where it's coming from...or what to make of it.

i just don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to reconnect with the reasons I came here in the first place. i know there is so much pressure on all of us right now....and things are difficult...I'm so afraid of getting swallowed up in these bad feelings.

A prayer to the God of my life:

When tender was the night...
You came with Joy.
And this is what I am asking of you this night:
Joy
And maybe patience and maybe trust and maybe safety.
And maybe so many more maybe's
Help me. Help us.
Help.

Amen.

If you can't take the heat.....

than stop reading.


It's amazing how difficult it is to have a blog when you live in community.

I'm realizing as I write this that
a) I'm paranoid that someone may walk in here at any moment and see what I'm doing
b) any sense of being anonomous (i have no clue how to spell that word) is now gone like the wind - I can even feel it as I write this. which is really kindof sad. for me. It's killed the fun...of just expressing...but it is on the "world wide web" so it is my own fault. I awknowledge that.

that being said I will try my best to pretend that people I live with have not read this thing....and try to vent as much as i am able.
A note to those reading this who live with me: and if you live with me and you are reading this....if you must....one request... please try and pretend that you are not reading about me....like - this is someone else....let's call her...."Beulah"....beacsue i want to still maintain some freedom in this. Some sanctity.
oh ya - one more thing - I dont want to know if your reading this. So please don't tell me if you are.
thanks. ;)

So - all of the sudden I feel very uninspired.

Anyone who may be reading this - who doesnt live with me - this is a little window into what it is like to be living very closely with many people...in intentional community. Welcome to the jungle.
It's not conducive to blogging.
because for some reason - even though we are surrounded with each other 24-7....we STILL want to read each others blogs!? And to think - that we barely have any privacy to begin with!!!!!!!!!!
when one really stops to think on this...it's pretty warped. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we could use a little less "intention".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is exactly how I feel right now:
COuld you intentionally intentionally intentionally. keep your dirty little wiggly fingers to yourself. leave me alone alone alone because the earth is ablaze and spinning and reeling and how how how is it that all anyone can think about is body and sweat and the lust of the eyes and fading fading fading beauty that never lasts longer than that...never longer than the evaporation .....please please I am not a bulwark I am a tottering fence and I need space to breath...deeply...and I am not so strong. Fuck.
because the earth is on fire and me along with it. I am not a wellspring. I am not something to be trampled. i have no resources left. none. I am empty. There is nothing here. There is nothing to draw. So get what you need somewhere else.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I will make all things well. I can make all things well. I shall make all things well. And all shall be well".

"Flow"

I've been in Ottawa for 5 days. Taking a breather from life in the big city. from life in the big crazy community.

Since I've been here...been dealing with the re-ocurring theme...of the value and beauty of music.
My mom played for me a song by a jazz/fussion artist - a trumpet player - by the name of Terrence Blanchard...I think...

Anyway - we were driving down the parkway, and she was playing this song off of the CD - a song called "Flow". I was overcome with the beauty of it - it took me to another place...a place I so badly needed to go.
And I realized as we were driving in the car and silently listening - hardly breathing - that making beautiful music is a service. It struck me like a hard blow. It's a humble service to the world. And it is badly needed....to open the eyes of our eyes and the ears of our ears. I think I have forgotten about that these past few months...with commitments coming out the wa-zoo and the details of life leaving little time to be ravished by a song...seemingly 'more important' things to do. I have forgotten about the beautiful vocation and service of the musician.

....it was all energy and passion and life and utter selflessness which Terrence Blanchard was chanelling through his trumpet. he was a true conduit.
How do I live my life right now in a way that honours this part of me? this is the question always looming.

Soooo - my god-daughter, Cadence, is a dream. i love her....really love her. she's so full of wonder right now. it makes me want to enter back into the infant world. the scarf I knit her looks smashing on her. and tres cool.

my apologies for the spelling. I've never been one to care enough.

10-4 good buddy,
-jc

it was a blustery Sunday night....

It's a little after 10 - post church.

It's blowing up a storm here on the lake. I had to fight my way up the steps it was so windy.
I feel tired. And I wish I was out getting drunk somewhere. I seem to be having a slight pre-occupation towards getting drunk lately...it is starting to worry me.
Warning: feeling long winded.

It was good to be at FT tonight...as i feel like it has been quite awhile since I've seen some folks.. leading worship felt good - and a bit of a stress reliever....poor Chris...I think Todd scared the crap outta him...but hey - I did forwarn him.

talked with the ladies tonight about expectations...in life....to have them or not to have them...that is the question. I was saying that the problem with not (or at least trying not) to have expectations is that it can either lead you to some serious despair or aid you in becomeing completely invulnerbale. Like a rock - in the bad sense. But it can also leave you open to new things...things un-planned for....things unexpected. Like...for example...the Catholic Worker! Pat gave me a book tonight that I think is called 'a year at the catholic worker' that is some guys diary entries while he was at the worker in NYC. Gotta love that Pat. It's amazing hte relevant hings he finds at the Sally Anne.....but back to the problem of expectations....I guess sometimes I look at my life and have to ask "what the F?!" And I'm beginning to wonder if it will always be "career suicide" for me. Meaning - I walk in the directions I feel God pokeing me in...and they are rarely if ever...ones that I ever expected - or ones that seem obvious or smart. Which sometimes, quite frankly, kindof sucks. It doesnt always suck. Just sometimes. Just some moments. like right now. when I would rather be drunk than sitting in the big old house by the lake writing a blog entry. Or i would like to be in mexico.

man, I really really miss my Dad right now.

It's now almost 11oclock at night and I'm feeling tired and loopy and lonely and homesick and jonesing for a cigarette which I have to go out and buy cause I ran out. this entry is loseing any kind of coherency....if it had any to start with. So the next time i write anything here I vow to myself that it will be clear concise and have a point. ya. thats the ticket.

bye bye.

My butt

So fall is in all her brilliance....my favorite time of year....and all I can do is obsess about the size of my ass.

yes. pathetic. But i swear that it is growing exponentially. It is actually scaring me. I feel like a very frumpy old lady with an ass that is getting really outta control...kindof like that girl in Willie Wonka - the one that grew into a giant blueberry. Thats kindof how I feel.

My ass is growing and growing....like a huge oversized grotesque.....blueberry!!!!! ok - that sounds really wierd. But I feel like a freak of nature. Who will love me with an ass that keeps multipling itself???? Wow. What a humiliating entry. Maybe it's a woman thing. Maybe it's an 'I'm almost 30' thing. Everytime I catch a glimpse of it - it being my backside in general - in the mirror I have to gasp and look away. And I am even wearing Black pants today. Don't believe all the hype about black being a slimming colour. All lies I tell you. ALL LIES!!!!!

you, dear reader, may think I'm overreacting. Maybe... But please don't try and placate me with a gentle "it's all in your head - your ass looks fine." because I can no longer fit my favorite belt around my growing hips. And that, my friend, is serious....inDEED.

Hmmmm....So. i'm normally one of the most un-self concious woman i know about things of this nature....so this is slightly out of charachter. I think the ass rant is over now. Until i get slammed with another wave of growing butt phobia. and believe me....it's a phobia.

over and out,
-jc

Random poem

it doesnt matter the words you say
it it only matters the softness of your touch

the only thing that matters is the warmth of a hand on a back
the only thing that matters is the way that I look at you
and the way you look at me

i look at you as if I had given birth to you
i look at you as if you were my own child
like that
to look at you with mercy = my womb aches for the loss of you
**********************************************************

i met a man who told me that he wants to move to China and change his identity....change his first and last name - wipe everything out. He told me that it is possible for him to be lost unto this world.....and to put to death the man that he is - where no one will ever find him. He told me he can be a brand new man.

"I can be reborn" he whispered to me with fire in his eyes. "I can be reeeee - born...."

Two hours later I saw him again - he was smoking a butt...and he looked at me and told me he changed his mind and said he was going back to Nova Scotia instead. I told him that I was glad he wasnt going to change his identity because if I happened to be in China and i spotted him it might be uncool for me to disclose his former identity. He laughed - but his eyes were cold. the fire was gone. I should've told him that I didnt want him to be lost unto this world.

Happy Halloween.

Mayhem

Yep - that is what has suddenly become if my life....it's gone from pretty non eventfull to totally nutty....sheer craziness....and no computer which is driving me \bonkers. As i writethis from my music School owners computer.

Theres just something uncool about blogging from the Toronto public library. don't getme wrong - I'm a big fan of the library...but sheesh.

So in the past 2 weeks i have been trying to adjust to a totally different set of life circumstances...and it has been extremely challenging. i think one of the most challenging and wierd times in my life to date. I hadnt the slighest clue what the heck I was getting myself into when I decided to live in community here at the worker....but hey - you on;ly live once right!
Whats interesting as well is that being surrounded by people 24-7 brings about it's own kind of lonliness which i\ have never experienced until now. But Anyway - life is jammed with activity and I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed and weeded (as they say in the restaurant industry). Between open dinners, morning prayer, meetings, cooking meals, offering hospitality to random people, setting up house - a hundred little distractions....someone wantsthis - someone wants to talk....and then trying to have a life of my own.....it seems like a little too much at this stage. I hope i can do this thing called LOVE. It's one thing on paper...it's a whole other ballgame at 7am in the morning.

I'm right now loaded down with a very very unpleasant cold. I need hot liquid. pronto.
must go. And heres a shout out to Esther - if your reading this - Hey sister....i'm so glad someone reads my blog....especailly YOU! hehe.
peace out
-julia

I'm a Catholic Worker

So it's official...as official as Catholic Workers can be...I am a catholic worker.

I am moved. and i feel in the wierdest twilight zone space ever. Very very very very very strange. Boxes everywhere in my room...people everywhere.... feel like I'm on mars.....CAn I handle this new life? Do I have any clue what I have gotten my self into? I think it's safe to say "nope". what the FUCK????!!!!>>>>????!!!!????!! What the fuck have I done???!!!!

sorry - I'm okay now. just had to release a little tension there. There is so much running through my head that I don't know where to start. I feel lost....and overwhelmed. But I guess that 'community' for ya. I'm sure the dust 'll settle. kindof. ooooo Lord have Mercy. Christ have Mercy. Lord have Mercy.

So other topics: on a lighter note...I was telling Lisa last night that I have a pleasant crush-like thingy which I havent had in what seems like a looong time. I had forgotten how nice it was to have a crush. A simple uncomplicated crush. I think i thought i had become a steel trap....impenetrable....sealed off....cold. And suddenly there are these vulnerable, wow-i-feel-like-a-twleve-year-old feelings.... and it's good to know that I'm not the fortress I thought I was. I can still feel. Yay for me.
Must

The Callender lady speaks!!!

So I had a moment this morning I won't soon forget:

Here's a bit of background info first....In 2 days we will be completely moved off of Callender Street - our home since I've lived in Toronto. And as Shelley and I were loading the car to move some of her boxes I was thinking about the Callender Street lady - who I have been watching closely these past three years. She lives in one of the 2 group homes on our street and she has never spoken in all of the time that we've lived there. I have been feeling sad about the fact that I've never had a real conversation with this woman who I have thought so much about. There is just something about her.....She shines far beyond her obvious brokenness....She is the patron Saint of forgotten girls. She has just had this hard edge about her that has always held us at arms length....I have been so compelled by her that I even wrote a song about her....my moving wish was to speak to her before the move.

So as I was getting my bike this morning - this woman - who most often walks on the other side of the street in order to avoid her neighbors....stops in front of me with her sacs coffee in hand - turns and faces me with a huge smile (she rarely smiles) and says (almost yells) "Hello!!! How are you?? And how is your puppy?" I almost felll over in shock. And when i composed myself I told her that I didnt have a dog...and then she told me that I look just like another lady she sees who has a big brown dog. She thinks we're twins....Anyway - it may seem small - but it is actually one of the biggest most beautiful gifts I've recieved in a long time. I could not have thought of a better or more appropriate parting gift. ...thanks GOd.

new song just written...

i'll stop at nothing
just to get to you
i'll bang down the doors
i'll crash through the roof
i will walk for days
in the scorching heat
i'll lay my body down
prostrate at your feet

because i really need you like a father
come to me
i need you to feed me like a mother
come to me
I am helpless. helpless
I am like your little child again.
because I really need you like a father
i need you to feed me like a mother
because I really need you like my father
i need you to feed me like my mother
come to me come to me come to me.

Baton Rouge

Long time no write...

Just arrived back from a week in Baton Rouge, Louisianna - part of one of the many small bands of people trying to bring a small bit of relief to a place that is seeing so little of that these days. dark days for the deep south. It's hard right now to think that what we accomplished was anything more than a teeny tiny drop in the bucket....actually...that is exactly what it was. But I would go back and do it all over again anyway.

It's been a bit overwhelming to process everything and part of me wants to hop on a bus and plant myself there for the next 6 months...

A lament needs to be written for Louisianna. I never imagined in a million years that I would feel this much love for the southern United States. Who knew?? I think it's a humanity thing. It's the realization that it could so easily be me living on a matress in a makeshift shelter with 8000 other people and only one shower...ONE SHOWER!!!!! It could be me who has lost my home, my job, members of my family, virtually everything familiar to me.....85 babies in a hospital in Louisianna with nobody to claim them...as mothers would pass them off franticallly to helicopters in order to save them.....old ladies cowering in thier closet as trees swirl and crash in around them....a young security guard chain smoking after a day of watching bodies being dragged from a river....young men and women looking through boxes of old clothes to find underwear for thier children....hours lining up for food - for ice - for help help help/

But there is hope. I saw it. The city will be rebuilt....and there will be dacning again on the streets of New Orleans.

peace,
-Julia

almost fall

The past couple of days have that slight chill and certain specific smell that is always the froeshowdow of fall. And how I am looking forward to it. Enough of all this sweat and salt and frenzy and squinting.

this moist and grey makes me ache for the East coast....for my dead nanny's and my ageing poppys. How I miss all of them. I have been such and absent grand-daughter.

What a wierd summer it has been. like some kind of wierd isolation....too much time to sit and think. think think think in circles and circles and circles. Last night I decided - at least in one area of my life - to stop the thinking and "set my face like flint". The decision: The move into the Catholic Worker house in October. It is done. I will go. Time to set the fear aside..and just do it.

I have been more fearful about life this past month than any other time I can remember. Not a surface fear but a much deeper more subtle fear. I think it's all this impending change. But somehow - sitting in the coffee shop last night - I remembered all the things I had forgotten - some of the reasons I ever thought about it in the first place....all of the great things that can come of a life altering move like this. And I finally feel a little more hope than dread. I look forward with hope to this new life.

I'm praying for a courage I have not known yet. I feel so much like Gideon....testing God at every turn - not believing I am who He says I am...feeling the least of my clan/tribe/family and the most powerless and vulnerable - wondering how God can ask anything of a whimpy dweeb like me. But I think God is nutbar in that way. He seems to always asks the whimpy dweebs to do things that require uncommon courage. and I'm too tired to fight this anymore. This whimpy dweeb gives up. Off to Close Ave I go. I wish i was stronger. I really do.

Brother Roger died on Tuesday night at the hands of a crazed woman. He died during a prayer service in the church in Taize. I keep having images of his white Robe stained with so much blood...and the brothers havong to carry him out. It has been so so hard to process. But tragically enough - the event has brought a certain kind of clarity to me. About the fact that Peace is beautiful and worth every kind of sacrafice - even in the face of unimaginable pain and sadness....and I want ot be a part of a movemet towards that. In some way.