It's been over a month since my last post so I thought it was time for a wee update.
I've been in Ottawa for 2 weeks. It's been good. But upon reflection...I think I probably should've gone somewhere farther away. Somewhere hot. Somewhere "other". Oh Well. I guess Cuba will have to wait.
Jim has been released! Wow. Apparently the community has been in a state of elation. Wish I could have been there.
After a pretty harrowing and overly busy 5 months - I was kindof hoping to get some needed clarity and rest over the course of the month. I think it's safe to say that I've had a lot of physical rest...and mental rest to some extent.
But I feel as far from really "rested " as ever.
I think that removeing myself from my overly active life over the past month has only helped to surface some pretty core issues that I was doing a really good job of not dealing with - or ignoreing.
I think this pretty much sums it up for me right now:
Who am I? Where is my home?
I realize that these are questions that, if asked honestly enough, will probably never be fully answered in this life. To some extent we are always searching for who we are...and for our true home. It doesnt end and wrap up into a neat little conclusion. at least mine sure as hell does not.
For me, at this stage in my life, these questions are particularly painful ones, as I feel very homeless...both spiritually and actually. I feel that I don't really fit anywhere right now. I feel that I am experienceing a crisis of identity. All of the things I used to depend on to provide me with some kind of safety, security, comfort...even joy - just don't work anymore....nothing works. It is like some rug has been pulled out from under me....and I'm left drifting.
I didnt think that living at the worker would quite literally cause me to feel - homeless. And yet - in some sense that is exactly what has happened. Maybe it is a good thing. Maybe that is the whole point.
If that is the case - it still fucking sucks.
...a very uncomfortable and sad place to be. I'm impatient with the copeing mechanisms of other people. I'm frustrated that I have few people in my life right now, if anyone, who can fully understand or relate to what I am experienceing....and I don't even have the energy to try and expain it. (oh - did I mention ? I'm also eating like a pig.)
Really it comes down to this (and here is the harsh rub) - WHO CARES? who really cares that Julia feels homeless?? People, no matter who they are, usually only care about what directly affects them. Sad but true.
Quite honestly, i'm tired of trying to feel understood when it never ever works anyway and I on;y end up feeling more isolated.
So what to do? I feel like I've been gagged. Without the ability to talk about this strange transformation that is happening in me. No one wants to hear about this kind of pain and confusion...so I'll go bakc to my life and go about my business and be present to others and yada yada...but who is there to care about ME - what I am feeling??
i feel very alone and a bit confused and very alien in a world that couldnt care less.
Yes - I feel sorry for myself. No i do not feel bad about it.
peace,
-Julia
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Thursday, March 16, 2006
If Jesus were a woman
Been thinking alot lately about what it means for me to be woman...
what it means for me to honour my womanhood in the face of a Faith that has left most women scratching the dust for a place and a role.
Genesis - God created them in his own image. Male AND Female - they were created.
Meaning that God is both male and female.
My male God has become too small. I need a "Big Momma" to use Stephs brilliante image...we all need a big strong woman to hold us. We need a Mother God just as much if not more than a Father God.
I know I do.
One of my icons of Mary and the child...I remember someone saying about it - when I look at her face I see the face of someone who truly understands me.
I am in need of a female God who truly understands me - and who truly affirms me.
Where am I allowed to be both strong and soft? Where am I allowed to apply my intuitive instict somewhere other than a typical domestic role?
How will the church allow me to be fully and truly woman - in the places where I am called to be that?
As Rohr has pointed out - If Jesus came as a woman...he would not have been recieved as revelation. Because women are natural healers and nurturers and encouragers. The crowd would have said to themselves "Typical woman" and continued on thier way.
"Jerusalem, Jerusalem...how often have I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings...."
-Jesus (Gospel of John 23:37)
peace -julia
what it means for me to honour my womanhood in the face of a Faith that has left most women scratching the dust for a place and a role.
Genesis - God created them in his own image. Male AND Female - they were created.
Meaning that God is both male and female.
My male God has become too small. I need a "Big Momma" to use Stephs brilliante image...we all need a big strong woman to hold us. We need a Mother God just as much if not more than a Father God.
I know I do.
One of my icons of Mary and the child...I remember someone saying about it - when I look at her face I see the face of someone who truly understands me.
I am in need of a female God who truly understands me - and who truly affirms me.
Where am I allowed to be both strong and soft? Where am I allowed to apply my intuitive instict somewhere other than a typical domestic role?
How will the church allow me to be fully and truly woman - in the places where I am called to be that?
As Rohr has pointed out - If Jesus came as a woman...he would not have been recieved as revelation. Because women are natural healers and nurturers and encouragers. The crowd would have said to themselves "Typical woman" and continued on thier way.
"Jerusalem, Jerusalem...how often have I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings...."
-Jesus (Gospel of John 23:37)
peace -julia
Friday, February 24, 2006
Revolution of this heart
"The greatest challenge of the day is: How to bring about a revolution of the heart, a revolution that has to start with each one of us?" -Dorothy Day
+++++++++++++++++++++
Here's a strange thing:
Yesterday morning i was waking down my street, the sun was ablaze, the birds were tweeting and all was well....until i got to the corner of King and Close, and a woman 2 yards away from me starts running after this random man with a huge shard of glass in her hand trying to stab him! And this in front of all these school children! It was like a bad scene from a chuckie movie. Thankfully, after a bunch of people jumped on her it was all good...nobody was hurt. If it werent so horrifying it would have been helarious as she was yelling the whole time "I'm an undercover narrcotics officer you mother#%@#ing sons of bitches!!" Needless to say, this was clearly not the case.
These are the people in your neighborhood.
They're the people that you meet
each
day.
In other news...
I have decided to take a break for a month...at least...as much of a break as i am able. Have been recognizing that I'm running on less than fumes - and it's time for a serious rest. Which i am looking forward to. I get to spend one whole glorious week alone in Shelleys apartment while she is at Loyola..then back to Zac's for 5 days...and then off to Ottawa for 2 whole weeks. yipppeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!
Since entering into the Catholic Worker world and living in Zacchaeus House, this house of hospitality, I have:
-had moments of beauty never before experienced.
-observed myself at my shining best and my ugliest worst.
-observed others at thier shining best and ugliest worst.
-felt whole and accepted in a way i did not think was possible.
-have experienced inner poverty like never before.
-have loved and been loved beyond reason and logic.
-have been so lonely i have almost doubled over from the pain of it.
-have had moments of blissful happiness in arms of community and around the table that we share
-have been a student of my masters - the true teachers: the poor and the dis-placed.
-have realized that i am also just as poor and displaced
-have questioned myself and my abilities and my calling, as a human, as a christ-follower, like never before.
-have seen depths of conceit in myself that has shamed me
SOmetimes this is a terrible and beautiful place to be. Sometimes it seems like too much to handle. SOmetimes it seems like the rest of the world is too much to handle. It seems the longer I am here the more i think the the society I am a part of is a sinking ship that is unaware of the depths to which it has sunk - and is sinking. And most of my peers are buying into the isolation, the oneupmanship, the dog-eat-dog mentality even if it is dressed up as poiliteness or religion or intellectualism or spirituality or what have you. I myself have bought into it. We are all so full of fear, we are all unsure of who we are, and we are all so afraid to fess up to it....because we lack the experience of true community. We will not allow oursleves to be held by the other. We live in a world where vulnerability is scorned and we therefore are are not allowed to unveil our true selves.
The other day a dear and wise friend and community member said something to me...his words and his eyes pierced me when he said:
"Julia, I don't think you have learned how to recognize your beauty. You are still in hiding"
I don't want to live up to some ghostly standard. I don't want to live in accordance with anyone else's standard. I want to be Julia (Whoever you are who is reading this...I want you to be you. It's a tought job, but who else is going to do it?) Living here has been one giant and terrifying step out of hiding. I will learn. Slowly. Painfully. Joyfully.
Peace,
-Julia
+++++++++++++++++++++
Here's a strange thing:
Yesterday morning i was waking down my street, the sun was ablaze, the birds were tweeting and all was well....until i got to the corner of King and Close, and a woman 2 yards away from me starts running after this random man with a huge shard of glass in her hand trying to stab him! And this in front of all these school children! It was like a bad scene from a chuckie movie. Thankfully, after a bunch of people jumped on her it was all good...nobody was hurt. If it werent so horrifying it would have been helarious as she was yelling the whole time "I'm an undercover narrcotics officer you mother#%@#ing sons of bitches!!" Needless to say, this was clearly not the case.
These are the people in your neighborhood.
They're the people that you meet
each
day.
In other news...
I have decided to take a break for a month...at least...as much of a break as i am able. Have been recognizing that I'm running on less than fumes - and it's time for a serious rest. Which i am looking forward to. I get to spend one whole glorious week alone in Shelleys apartment while she is at Loyola..then back to Zac's for 5 days...and then off to Ottawa for 2 whole weeks. yipppeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!
Since entering into the Catholic Worker world and living in Zacchaeus House, this house of hospitality, I have:
-had moments of beauty never before experienced.
-observed myself at my shining best and my ugliest worst.
-observed others at thier shining best and ugliest worst.
-felt whole and accepted in a way i did not think was possible.
-have experienced inner poverty like never before.
-have loved and been loved beyond reason and logic.
-have been so lonely i have almost doubled over from the pain of it.
-have had moments of blissful happiness in arms of community and around the table that we share
-have been a student of my masters - the true teachers: the poor and the dis-placed.
-have realized that i am also just as poor and displaced
-have questioned myself and my abilities and my calling, as a human, as a christ-follower, like never before.
-have seen depths of conceit in myself that has shamed me
SOmetimes this is a terrible and beautiful place to be. Sometimes it seems like too much to handle. SOmetimes it seems like the rest of the world is too much to handle. It seems the longer I am here the more i think the the society I am a part of is a sinking ship that is unaware of the depths to which it has sunk - and is sinking. And most of my peers are buying into the isolation, the oneupmanship, the dog-eat-dog mentality even if it is dressed up as poiliteness or religion or intellectualism or spirituality or what have you. I myself have bought into it. We are all so full of fear, we are all unsure of who we are, and we are all so afraid to fess up to it....because we lack the experience of true community. We will not allow oursleves to be held by the other. We live in a world where vulnerability is scorned and we therefore are are not allowed to unveil our true selves.
The other day a dear and wise friend and community member said something to me...his words and his eyes pierced me when he said:
"Julia, I don't think you have learned how to recognize your beauty. You are still in hiding"
I don't want to live up to some ghostly standard. I don't want to live in accordance with anyone else's standard. I want to be Julia (Whoever you are who is reading this...I want you to be you. It's a tought job, but who else is going to do it?) Living here has been one giant and terrifying step out of hiding. I will learn. Slowly. Painfully. Joyfully.
Peace,
-Julia
Monday, February 13, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
banners, activist dreams, pad Thai
Today was a busy day:
photos of the demonstration
Morning into early afternoon:
At 7:30 am I found myself in front of a courthouse on University avenue, ironically right across from the US consulate, in a demonstration supporting the appeal of Brandon Hughey, who lives with me/us at Zac's House. For a little back-ground info: Brandon (and Jeremy Hinsman) are war resisters appealing the federal court to send thier fight to stay in Canada back to the immigration and refugee board which has already denied thier claims.
They are both American war resisters who are AWOL.
They have sought political asylum in Canada, and have been in an on-going fight to stay on the grounds that they were avoiding a war that violates international human rights and which therefore is illegal.
Anyhoo...we went along with a whole crew of the war resister campaign and we dutifully held up our Toronto Catholic Worker banner and stood in proud support of our friends. It was a bright moment in what has seemed like a rough time lately...all of us hundled in the cold hopping around, trying to keep warm, holding our signs, drinking our coffee....it felt good to be together supporting Brandon...and Jeremy. I only wish I had gotten into the dang court room!!
Afternoon:
Then....Don and I had a great conversation afterwards about activism and my own specific feeling about the kind of activism I want to be more involved in: empowering the urban poor...empowering them and trying to help organize the urban, street involved to empower each other - to take thier own power back...to organize themselves to build thier own functioning communities.....trying to flesh out my ideas...not even sure if some of them are even possible. It is always inspireing and life- giving talking to Don about such things....he is a big dreamer and he is always ready to engage my crazy ones! I am honoured to be working with him. We threw around ideas and thoughts. Some of which i need to start researching...but these are big topics for other blog enteries.
Mid-afternoon:
Then.... went to see the Harts (Pat Jill Ryan) new apartment - they are a family that just last week moved out of Zacs into a beautiful co-op. It was amazing to see them in thier new space - right by the water front and so beautiful. I miss them...especially little Ryan. The house is not the same without a child in it.
Then....ate at the 'Queen Mother' - on Queen (d-uh). I had the Pad Thai.It rocks there - and I read my book in a sunny corner. It was lovely.
Evening:
Then.... I went to the NFB to check out some documentaries I have been meaning to see - one about the Gateway - the S.A shelter where I work - and a couple about Vancouvers East side.
One called "Heroines" about one photographers obsession with the women of the East side and he documents thier lives in his stunning photographs. He captures the soul and essence of these broken, beautiful women. It was amazing. There are a few others that i still need to see...but my time ran out.
Then....I went to my small group for the first time in what seems like forever. It was so great...Cindy cooked a fabulous meal, Pat brought donuts and sweets, Jeff broke out his electric massager that we all had a turn on (for real), we had an amazing time of worship. Then they put me in the middle of a circle and prayed for me! Without me even having to ask...it was such a huge massive encouragement to me. Especially during this time of burn-out/melt down that i now recognize I am experienceing. I must retreat soon. i can feel it. it needs to happen. Anyway - I love those guys...my amazing living room: Esther, Blake, Lisa, Pat, Mark, Jeff, Cindy, Rob. I am so glad i went tonight. I am so glad to have them as part of my life.
So now...it's late and I should be sleeping. but wanted to record some of the events of my day....it has been a good one.
peace out
photos of the demonstration
Morning into early afternoon:
At 7:30 am I found myself in front of a courthouse on University avenue, ironically right across from the US consulate, in a demonstration supporting the appeal of Brandon Hughey, who lives with me/us at Zac's House. For a little back-ground info: Brandon (and Jeremy Hinsman) are war resisters appealing the federal court to send thier fight to stay in Canada back to the immigration and refugee board which has already denied thier claims.
They are both American war resisters who are AWOL.
They have sought political asylum in Canada, and have been in an on-going fight to stay on the grounds that they were avoiding a war that violates international human rights and which therefore is illegal.
Anyhoo...we went along with a whole crew of the war resister campaign and we dutifully held up our Toronto Catholic Worker banner and stood in proud support of our friends. It was a bright moment in what has seemed like a rough time lately...all of us hundled in the cold hopping around, trying to keep warm, holding our signs, drinking our coffee....it felt good to be together supporting Brandon...and Jeremy. I only wish I had gotten into the dang court room!!
Afternoon:
Then....Don and I had a great conversation afterwards about activism and my own specific feeling about the kind of activism I want to be more involved in: empowering the urban poor...empowering them and trying to help organize the urban, street involved to empower each other - to take thier own power back...to organize themselves to build thier own functioning communities.....trying to flesh out my ideas...not even sure if some of them are even possible. It is always inspireing and life- giving talking to Don about such things....he is a big dreamer and he is always ready to engage my crazy ones! I am honoured to be working with him. We threw around ideas and thoughts. Some of which i need to start researching...but these are big topics for other blog enteries.
Mid-afternoon:
Then.... went to see the Harts (Pat Jill Ryan) new apartment - they are a family that just last week moved out of Zacs into a beautiful co-op. It was amazing to see them in thier new space - right by the water front and so beautiful. I miss them...especially little Ryan. The house is not the same without a child in it.
Then....ate at the 'Queen Mother' - on Queen (d-uh). I had the Pad Thai.It rocks there - and I read my book in a sunny corner. It was lovely.
Evening:
Then.... I went to the NFB to check out some documentaries I have been meaning to see - one about the Gateway - the S.A shelter where I work - and a couple about Vancouvers East side.
One called "Heroines" about one photographers obsession with the women of the East side and he documents thier lives in his stunning photographs. He captures the soul and essence of these broken, beautiful women. It was amazing. There are a few others that i still need to see...but my time ran out.
Then....I went to my small group for the first time in what seems like forever. It was so great...Cindy cooked a fabulous meal, Pat brought donuts and sweets, Jeff broke out his electric massager that we all had a turn on (for real), we had an amazing time of worship. Then they put me in the middle of a circle and prayed for me! Without me even having to ask...it was such a huge massive encouragement to me. Especially during this time of burn-out/melt down that i now recognize I am experienceing. I must retreat soon. i can feel it. it needs to happen. Anyway - I love those guys...my amazing living room: Esther, Blake, Lisa, Pat, Mark, Jeff, Cindy, Rob. I am so glad i went tonight. I am so glad to have them as part of my life.
So now...it's late and I should be sleeping. but wanted to record some of the events of my day....it has been a good one.
peace out
Friday, February 03, 2006
warning ; explicit content
something i have been realizing: anger has alot of unruly energy attached to it.
something else i have been realizing: wow do i have alot of it.
******
she is justified in her sentence.
justified.
she will not be taken advantage of. she will not be commodified. she will not be toyed with. she refuses to placate and she will not play your game. she is well aware of the darkness of your shadow and it has become disgusting to her.
you arrogant fuck. you unbelievably self absorbed arrogant fuck.
wake up.
you mistake strength for weakness and weakness for strength. you misuse and abuse and lie to yourself - to others...and still honestly believe in the strength of your own illusions.
she is tired of your illusions. she is tired of the universe revolving around you. she is tired of you believing it.
she does not sympathize with you today. that is all over. she knows your cowardice. she almost laughs at your attempt at manipulation. she looks down at you as you moan and complain.
all she can think is what a sad sad little man you are.
all she can see is rage.
you picked the wrong woman to mess with.
you have no idea.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
something else i have been realizing: wow do i have alot of it.
******
she is justified in her sentence.
justified.
she will not be taken advantage of. she will not be commodified. she will not be toyed with. she refuses to placate and she will not play your game. she is well aware of the darkness of your shadow and it has become disgusting to her.
you arrogant fuck. you unbelievably self absorbed arrogant fuck.
wake up.
you mistake strength for weakness and weakness for strength. you misuse and abuse and lie to yourself - to others...and still honestly believe in the strength of your own illusions.
she is tired of your illusions. she is tired of the universe revolving around you. she is tired of you believing it.
she does not sympathize with you today. that is all over. she knows your cowardice. she almost laughs at your attempt at manipulation. she looks down at you as you moan and complain.
all she can think is what a sad sad little man you are.
all she can see is rage.
you picked the wrong woman to mess with.
you have no idea.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Monday, January 23, 2006
Nouwen on Community
this struck me hard today - so true to my experience "living" community here:
Community supported by Solitude
Solitude greeting solitude, thats what community is all about. Community is not the place where we are no longer alone, but the place where we respect, protect and reverently greet one anothers aloneness. When we allow our aloneness to lead us into solitude, out solitude will enable us to rejoice in the solitude of others. Our solitude roots us in our own hearts. Instead of making us yearn forcompany that will offer us immediate satisfaction. solitude makes us claim our center and empowers us to call others to claim theirs. Our various solitudes are like strong, straight pillars that hold up the roof of our communal house. Thus, solitude always strengthes community.
Community supported by Solitude
Solitude greeting solitude, thats what community is all about. Community is not the place where we are no longer alone, but the place where we respect, protect and reverently greet one anothers aloneness. When we allow our aloneness to lead us into solitude, out solitude will enable us to rejoice in the solitude of others. Our solitude roots us in our own hearts. Instead of making us yearn forcompany that will offer us immediate satisfaction. solitude makes us claim our center and empowers us to call others to claim theirs. Our various solitudes are like strong, straight pillars that hold up the roof of our communal house. Thus, solitude always strengthes community.
Friday, January 20, 2006
There's a warm wind a- blowing...
Yes.
All of our wildest dreams have come true:
It's spring in January
Gone the snow drifts. Gone the big boots. Gone the frostbite. Winter has eluded us.
I'll not fool myself into thinking that it is gone for good. But for now I will immerse myself as completely as i can into this present reality. Global warming or no global warming. This rocks.
Glorious spring in the middle of winter.
Yes.
All of our wildest dreams have come true:
It's spring in January
Gone the snow drifts. Gone the big boots. Gone the frostbite. Winter has eluded us.
I'll not fool myself into thinking that it is gone for good. But for now I will immerse myself as completely as i can into this present reality. Global warming or no global warming. This rocks.
Glorious spring in the middle of winter.
Yes.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
a big ham.
No - this is not a post about my ass. (heh heh heh har har)
It's Jenna's birthday (actually it was yesterday) and we are all celebrating together tonight around the table at Zac's. I am looking forward to it - as it's been kindof lonely around the house the past week - with a good chunk of the house being away right now. Anyway, Jenna's favorite thing to eat is Ham. I'm in charge of cooking it...with her supervision of course. So that is what I'm going out to buy this afternoon. A big Ham. I get to find a big meatshop to buy a big ham. Where does one find a big Ham? How does one cook a big ham? How did I ever find mysef in the position to buy and cook a big ham? These are the moments around here that make me laugh. It will be interesting, i'm sure.
I think I just really like saying "big ham" cause i think it's funny.
big ham big ham big ham big ham.
It's Jenna's birthday (actually it was yesterday) and we are all celebrating together tonight around the table at Zac's. I am looking forward to it - as it's been kindof lonely around the house the past week - with a good chunk of the house being away right now. Anyway, Jenna's favorite thing to eat is Ham. I'm in charge of cooking it...with her supervision of course. So that is what I'm going out to buy this afternoon. A big Ham. I get to find a big meatshop to buy a big ham. Where does one find a big Ham? How does one cook a big ham? How did I ever find mysef in the position to buy and cook a big ham? These are the moments around here that make me laugh. It will be interesting, i'm sure.
I think I just really like saying "big ham" cause i think it's funny.
big ham big ham big ham big ham.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
sick AGAIN!
Woke up today with my sinuses completely clogged and my throat all scratchy.
I thought I had already been through all this! You'd think that a 10 days basically sleeping over Christmas would have nipped it in the bud. Apparently not.
Went out for breakfast with Rob K and dropped one of his little vitamin c pills into my water so that it became full of bubbles and bright orange. I may have to OD on those bad boys over the next week.
My room is also like a refrigerator. I think it's time to bring in the big guns....block heaters...here we come!!
To end on a more positive note: I am grateful for bright sunny days.
Happy SUNday.
-Julia
I thought I had already been through all this! You'd think that a 10 days basically sleeping over Christmas would have nipped it in the bud. Apparently not.
Went out for breakfast with Rob K and dropped one of his little vitamin c pills into my water so that it became full of bubbles and bright orange. I may have to OD on those bad boys over the next week.
My room is also like a refrigerator. I think it's time to bring in the big guns....block heaters...here we come!!
To end on a more positive note: I am grateful for bright sunny days.
Happy SUNday.
-Julia
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Global Warming and tears.
I guess it's really in effect now. I feel as if I'm being tricked into spring....like I need to plant flowers or something. It's so warm and beautiful outside....and it's almost the middle of January!!! I can't imagine how the birds feel. Pretty fucked up probably. I just really hope that we're not shovelling snow in April. That would bite. Hardcore.
had a day of "emotional leakage" on Tuesday...brought on by RS - his speaking at WBB was a reminder of everything I've been trying to forget about...in order to function. Reminded of everything that has happened...all the stress and craziness and pain. Reminder that sometimes life is pain. It completely undid me. so so so so humiliating having mini emotional breakdowns in public. I truly hate that. Anyway. It was shocking even to myself as i've been feeling pretty on top of things lately. the psyche is a complex thing. it can file away alot..
So I hid away on campus and curled up in the sun and let my eyes quietly leak and leak and leak and then I slept deeply. And then i felt better.
Almost missed my first apointment with my spiritual director, though.
Which is a topic for another blog.
and now it's time to enjoy the sun. I love days like this.
peace friends,
-julia
had a day of "emotional leakage" on Tuesday...brought on by RS - his speaking at WBB was a reminder of everything I've been trying to forget about...in order to function. Reminded of everything that has happened...all the stress and craziness and pain. Reminder that sometimes life is pain. It completely undid me. so so so so humiliating having mini emotional breakdowns in public. I truly hate that. Anyway. It was shocking even to myself as i've been feeling pretty on top of things lately. the psyche is a complex thing. it can file away alot..
So I hid away on campus and curled up in the sun and let my eyes quietly leak and leak and leak and then I slept deeply. And then i felt better.
Almost missed my first apointment with my spiritual director, though.
Which is a topic for another blog.
and now it's time to enjoy the sun. I love days like this.
peace friends,
-julia
Saturday, January 07, 2006
the shelter..
Worked another 12 hours at the shelter today.
A whole lot of men.
A whole lot of messy men.
Strangest thing is - i'm completely wierded out by how much I can relate to these guys...
I was saying to Shelley tonight...I think I relate to the self hatred. I almost wince writing it. But it's true.
The only difference between mine and thiers is that mine is dressed up - and I've found ways of copeing with it...manageing it.
In a wierd way it can be a relief for me to spend the day with a group of individuals who have absolutely nothing to prove....or at least...they have no need to keep up a pretense. It frees me to drop my own. Sometimes it's frustrating...but it's real. Often glareingly and painfully real.
And I really like most of them. I really appreciate who they are: strong strong people who don't recognize it.
I think i can honestly say that alot of them are stronger than i will ever be. You have to be to go through the kind of shit that they do and survive...and face each day...and even laugh and talk and...keep going.
One of them told me today that I have gained weight.
oh - the honesty.
must take shower and sleep.
Out
-Julia
A whole lot of men.
A whole lot of messy men.
Strangest thing is - i'm completely wierded out by how much I can relate to these guys...
I was saying to Shelley tonight...I think I relate to the self hatred. I almost wince writing it. But it's true.
The only difference between mine and thiers is that mine is dressed up - and I've found ways of copeing with it...manageing it.
In a wierd way it can be a relief for me to spend the day with a group of individuals who have absolutely nothing to prove....or at least...they have no need to keep up a pretense. It frees me to drop my own. Sometimes it's frustrating...but it's real. Often glareingly and painfully real.
And I really like most of them. I really appreciate who they are: strong strong people who don't recognize it.
I think i can honestly say that alot of them are stronger than i will ever be. You have to be to go through the kind of shit that they do and survive...and face each day...and even laugh and talk and...keep going.
One of them told me today that I have gained weight.
oh - the honesty.
must take shower and sleep.
Out
-Julia
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Throw down your arms....
When we are free from the need to judge or condemn, we can become a safe place for people to meet in vulnerability, and take down the walls that separate them. Being deeply rooted in the love of God , we cannot help but invite people to love one another. When people realize that we have no hidden agenda's or unspoken intentions, that we are not trying to gain any profit for ourselves, and that our only desire is for peace and reconciliation, they may find the inner courage and wisdom to leave thier guns at the door and enter into conversation with thier enemies.
Our ministry of reconciliation most often takes place when we ourselves are least aware of it. Our simple, non-judgemental presence does it.
-Henri Nouwen
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I spent a good part of yesterday evening at the police station....waited for them in the rain for an hour...rode in the back of the cruiser with M. for her to make a statement. She booked herslef into a shelter last week after she got kicked up the stairs...waited with her for a half hour on the bench in the station and the amount of people filing in and out of the place was crazy. The police for the most part are good folk trying to help...but there was so much "machise" going on that I didnt really want to leave her to deal with them alone. She's a tough cookie though, that one. I'm amazed at her ability to deal. If it were me I would break under the pressure...i'm quite sure.
I just had the overall sense of what it means to be lost in a system....the cold cold system.
So here's to a safe secure place to live. So here's to a solid support group in my life. So here's to the fact that I have never had to make a police statement. So here's to the fact that I have relative mental health....and financial security.
lates,
-julia
Our ministry of reconciliation most often takes place when we ourselves are least aware of it. Our simple, non-judgemental presence does it.
-Henri Nouwen
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I spent a good part of yesterday evening at the police station....waited for them in the rain for an hour...rode in the back of the cruiser with M. for her to make a statement. She booked herslef into a shelter last week after she got kicked up the stairs...waited with her for a half hour on the bench in the station and the amount of people filing in and out of the place was crazy. The police for the most part are good folk trying to help...but there was so much "machise" going on that I didnt really want to leave her to deal with them alone. She's a tough cookie though, that one. I'm amazed at her ability to deal. If it were me I would break under the pressure...i'm quite sure.
I just had the overall sense of what it means to be lost in a system....the cold cold system.
So here's to a safe secure place to live. So here's to a solid support group in my life. So here's to the fact that I have never had to make a police statement. So here's to the fact that I have relative mental health....and financial security.
lates,
-julia
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
New year - ever so gentle.
It's uncanny the amount of inner peace i feel entering back into community life after the break.
I know it is sheer gift and grace...this peace and calm. A complete surprise, really...after the steady pace of hectic that December was.
We had the most relaxed meal together last night....ringing in the new year together - ever so gently...with laughter and the kids playing. Just enjoying one another. Simple as that.... and it was so good - i felt at home amongst family. i felt truly content.
Fun is on the agenda this month....I can hardly believe it but I am truly looking forward to the months ahead at Zac's. I was so amazed yesterday coming back from work at the shelter...how un-rushed I felt. For the first time in a really long time things feel right. Maybe i should knock on wood. We'll see.
So here it comes: Have had a few conversations with people around new years resolutions. Those dang new years resolutions! I do feel like there are some things I want to work on. Maybe I should write some of them here...to remind myself:
1) Self Care -
learning how to take time for myself in a healthy, more integrated way. Listening to music more...trying not to rush around as much...taking more baths...getting time to write and play at least one time a week. Just enjoying life and things that I love a little more. And valueing myself a little more.
2) Prayer -
want to learn to pray the rosary!! But the more important one...I want to have centering prayer a more regular part of my daily life. This will be difficult. No doubt - it is the most important thing I can do for myself actually. I know it will be the major piece that enables me to live life here fully and with the most joy. and the most sanity.
3) Living more in the present moment -
the biggie. pretty self explanatory.
4) The gym -
I've been avoiding this one like the plague. But I think I'm gonna have to start this winter. not just because of my growing ass - but for my mind as well. I hate the hibernation factor of winter. and i can't ride my bike through mounds of snow. it has to be done. yikes. Lord have mercy.
This will be the mantra for 2006: "THE PRESSURE IS OFF!"
Everybody - repeat after me: THE PRESSURE IS OFF!
>enter freedom.
peace folks,
-julia
I know it is sheer gift and grace...this peace and calm. A complete surprise, really...after the steady pace of hectic that December was.
We had the most relaxed meal together last night....ringing in the new year together - ever so gently...with laughter and the kids playing. Just enjoying one another. Simple as that.... and it was so good - i felt at home amongst family. i felt truly content.
Fun is on the agenda this month....I can hardly believe it but I am truly looking forward to the months ahead at Zac's. I was so amazed yesterday coming back from work at the shelter...how un-rushed I felt. For the first time in a really long time things feel right. Maybe i should knock on wood. We'll see.
So here it comes: Have had a few conversations with people around new years resolutions. Those dang new years resolutions! I do feel like there are some things I want to work on. Maybe I should write some of them here...to remind myself:
1) Self Care -
learning how to take time for myself in a healthy, more integrated way. Listening to music more...trying not to rush around as much...taking more baths...getting time to write and play at least one time a week. Just enjoying life and things that I love a little more. And valueing myself a little more.
2) Prayer -
want to learn to pray the rosary!! But the more important one...I want to have centering prayer a more regular part of my daily life. This will be difficult. No doubt - it is the most important thing I can do for myself actually. I know it will be the major piece that enables me to live life here fully and with the most joy. and the most sanity.
3) Living more in the present moment -
the biggie. pretty self explanatory.
4) The gym -
I've been avoiding this one like the plague. But I think I'm gonna have to start this winter. not just because of my growing ass - but for my mind as well. I hate the hibernation factor of winter. and i can't ride my bike through mounds of snow. it has to be done. yikes. Lord have mercy.
This will be the mantra for 2006: "THE PRESSURE IS OFF!"
Everybody - repeat after me: THE PRESSURE IS OFF!
>enter freedom.
peace folks,
-julia
Friday, December 30, 2005
Last night of my official holiday....
since tomorrow i am going back to the big city -
with some fear and trepidation.
i've been here for 9 days. 9 relatively quiet lazy hazy days. it's been swell. other than the mack truck cold and phlegm. I have way too much crap to load onto the greyhound. it won't be pretty. i really wish i hadnt brought my guitar.
it's really hard to believe that we're headed into 2006. in, like, a DAY. yikes. 2006 - i feel like we should be using those jetson type cars now or something. :) You know the ones...they kindof hover above the sidewalk, and you just zoom along.
man - if only life were like that.
i finally bought myself a rosary today. my very own gorgeous rosary. I bought at St. Patricks. it is very beautiful. i feel like i've waited my whole life to buy this thing. too bad i don't know how to say it. that will be one of my new things to learn in 2006 - how to pray the rosary....or maybe i'll just make up my own prayers per bead....(my apologies to any catholics who may be reading this right now). Anyway - I am especially looking forward to Epiphany this year...maybe because I feel I may be on the verge of a few of my own.
actually now that I think of it - the trip home won't be that bad...what with the new cd's (Johnny Cash, Coltrane and thelonius Monk live at carnegie Hall, Sinead O'connors reggae - throw down your arms, Joni mitchell - politically charged tunes), and all that yummy new yarn for fresh knitting....and all the new books....yes - life is good.
{OTTAWA JUST SCORED - YAY!!!}
good-bye fair Ottawa. Until next time.
over and out
-Julia
with some fear and trepidation.
i've been here for 9 days. 9 relatively quiet lazy hazy days. it's been swell. other than the mack truck cold and phlegm. I have way too much crap to load onto the greyhound. it won't be pretty. i really wish i hadnt brought my guitar.
it's really hard to believe that we're headed into 2006. in, like, a DAY. yikes. 2006 - i feel like we should be using those jetson type cars now or something. :) You know the ones...they kindof hover above the sidewalk, and you just zoom along.
man - if only life were like that.
i finally bought myself a rosary today. my very own gorgeous rosary. I bought at St. Patricks. it is very beautiful. i feel like i've waited my whole life to buy this thing. too bad i don't know how to say it. that will be one of my new things to learn in 2006 - how to pray the rosary....or maybe i'll just make up my own prayers per bead....(my apologies to any catholics who may be reading this right now). Anyway - I am especially looking forward to Epiphany this year...maybe because I feel I may be on the verge of a few of my own.
actually now that I think of it - the trip home won't be that bad...what with the new cd's (Johnny Cash, Coltrane and thelonius Monk live at carnegie Hall, Sinead O'connors reggae - throw down your arms, Joni mitchell - politically charged tunes), and all that yummy new yarn for fresh knitting....and all the new books....yes - life is good.
{OTTAWA JUST SCORED - YAY!!!}
good-bye fair Ottawa. Until next time.
over and out
-Julia
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Props to the Carpenters...
So After looking over my last few blogs I was like - wow - how deeeepressing!
So - in the kitchy spirit of the season....here's a little ditty. God, i love Karen Carpenters Christmas album...enjoy:
Come hear those sliegh bells jingleing
Ring-ting-tingleing too
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Let's hit the snow before us and sing a chorus or two
Come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up - let's go
Get on with the show
We're riding in a wonderland of snow
Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up - it's grand
just holding your hand...
We're riding around in the scene of a wintery fairy land.
Come hear those sleigh bells jingleing
Ring-ting-tingleing too
Come on it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride
together
with you.
Merry Christmas to one and all.
Peace on Earth,
-julia
So - in the kitchy spirit of the season....here's a little ditty. God, i love Karen Carpenters Christmas album...enjoy:
Come hear those sliegh bells jingleing
Ring-ting-tingleing too
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Let's hit the snow before us and sing a chorus or two
Come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up - let's go
Get on with the show
We're riding in a wonderland of snow
Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up - it's grand
just holding your hand...
We're riding around in the scene of a wintery fairy land.
Come hear those sleigh bells jingleing
Ring-ting-tingleing too
Come on it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride
together
with you.
Merry Christmas to one and all.
Peace on Earth,
-julia
Friday, December 16, 2005
parties and sorrow and other things....
I'm in the parkdale library. taking a breather before the big Catholic Worker Christams party. It's ironic in a way...as I am so not in the mood to "party". Get drunk - yes. Sing carols - no.
The tinsel is on the tree. the deserts are ready. Everyone has probably been scampering around getting ready..the presents are wrapped. I havnt been around much for the pre-festivities. I am hiding in the library. I think H bought me some plates to break.... yipeeee.
It's Christmas and the bad parts of me are surfaceing as life is consumed with others. we all have this utopian vision of what it means to be living in authentic community - doing hospitality - living for and with others - living out our ideals of a more just and whole society. Then theres the part where you wake up and realize that it is not all idealistic. It is mostly the hard realities of life slapping you in the face...the day in day out living with each other...having to smile when all you feel like doing is crying - and sometimes doing that too.
I was thinking about all these things last night as we sat down around the table to eat our meal. I noticed the 'Gollum' in me come out as M was asking me for the fifth time to get her something - a glass of milk - more beans - 3 more peices of chicken - etc. and I hadnt starting eatign yet...I was grumpy and tired and emotionally spent...and I was stuffing the urge to literally FREAk out. And then I thought about what M said about what it is we really do here...more than the activism and talk and work and idealism etc:
What we do is attend to each other.
And sometimes very badly. We attend to all our sometimes cleverly hidden disfunction...and wierdness...and tempers..and exhaustion...and need. so much need.
I keep having to remind myself to try and be easy on myself...what with the hostage taking, the vigiling, the decapitated head at the end of the street. Nerves are frazzled way beyond the normal frazzles...and lately i've been forgetting about that. We are being daily confronted with the hard nugget of human pain and suffering. It is a hard thing to keep facing sorrow at it's most vulnerable and raw.
Party time.
peace,
-Julia
The tinsel is on the tree. the deserts are ready. Everyone has probably been scampering around getting ready..the presents are wrapped. I havnt been around much for the pre-festivities. I am hiding in the library. I think H bought me some plates to break.... yipeeee.
It's Christmas and the bad parts of me are surfaceing as life is consumed with others. we all have this utopian vision of what it means to be living in authentic community - doing hospitality - living for and with others - living out our ideals of a more just and whole society. Then theres the part where you wake up and realize that it is not all idealistic. It is mostly the hard realities of life slapping you in the face...the day in day out living with each other...having to smile when all you feel like doing is crying - and sometimes doing that too.
I was thinking about all these things last night as we sat down around the table to eat our meal. I noticed the 'Gollum' in me come out as M was asking me for the fifth time to get her something - a glass of milk - more beans - 3 more peices of chicken - etc. and I hadnt starting eatign yet...I was grumpy and tired and emotionally spent...and I was stuffing the urge to literally FREAk out. And then I thought about what M said about what it is we really do here...more than the activism and talk and work and idealism etc:
What we do is attend to each other.
And sometimes very badly. We attend to all our sometimes cleverly hidden disfunction...and wierdness...and tempers..and exhaustion...and need. so much need.
I keep having to remind myself to try and be easy on myself...what with the hostage taking, the vigiling, the decapitated head at the end of the street. Nerves are frazzled way beyond the normal frazzles...and lately i've been forgetting about that. We are being daily confronted with the hard nugget of human pain and suffering. It is a hard thing to keep facing sorrow at it's most vulnerable and raw.
Party time.
peace,
-Julia
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I should be in bed.
When i got here I had so much stuff I wanted to get out...and now...it's all escaped. Poof - gone.
Hmmm...
I feel there are so many fundamental questions that are needing answers. God - I hate the word "fundamental". And yet...
What is my place here? What am i called to do here? What are we called to do here? Why am I here in this place at this time? Why do I feel do angry all the time lately? How do i stay true to who I am right now without flipping out? Where is peace?
I need to understand my own limits and boundaries...but am so exhausted...that I have no idea how to even start to do that. I need nourishment....deep nourishment of the soul...in order to be present - and some kind of source of nourishment for others in this community...in this house... but am i even called to be that right now?
I guess i just think that I should be or feel so much stronger than i do. I want to do the best job I can. But I am so burdened with a sense of all prevadeing resentment...and I barely know where it's coming from...or what to make of it.
i just don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to reconnect with the reasons I came here in the first place. i know there is so much pressure on all of us right now....and things are difficult...I'm so afraid of getting swallowed up in these bad feelings.
A prayer to the God of my life:
When tender was the night...
You came with Joy.
And this is what I am asking of you this night:
Joy
And maybe patience and maybe trust and maybe safety.
And maybe so many more maybe's
Help me. Help us.
Help.
Amen.
Hmmm...
I feel there are so many fundamental questions that are needing answers. God - I hate the word "fundamental". And yet...
What is my place here? What am i called to do here? What are we called to do here? Why am I here in this place at this time? Why do I feel do angry all the time lately? How do i stay true to who I am right now without flipping out? Where is peace?
I need to understand my own limits and boundaries...but am so exhausted...that I have no idea how to even start to do that. I need nourishment....deep nourishment of the soul...in order to be present - and some kind of source of nourishment for others in this community...in this house... but am i even called to be that right now?
I guess i just think that I should be or feel so much stronger than i do. I want to do the best job I can. But I am so burdened with a sense of all prevadeing resentment...and I barely know where it's coming from...or what to make of it.
i just don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to reconnect with the reasons I came here in the first place. i know there is so much pressure on all of us right now....and things are difficult...I'm so afraid of getting swallowed up in these bad feelings.
A prayer to the God of my life:
When tender was the night...
You came with Joy.
And this is what I am asking of you this night:
Joy
And maybe patience and maybe trust and maybe safety.
And maybe so many more maybe's
Help me. Help us.
Help.
Amen.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
If you can't take the heat.....
than stop reading.
It's amazing how difficult it is to have a blog when you live in community.
I'm realizing as I write this that
a) I'm paranoid that someone may walk in here at any moment and see what I'm doing
b) any sense of being anonomous (i have no clue how to spell that word) is now gone like the wind - I can even feel it as I write this. which is really kindof sad. for me. It's killed the fun...of just expressing...but it is on the "world wide web" so it is my own fault. I awknowledge that.
that being said I will try my best to pretend that people I live with have not read this thing....and try to vent as much as i am able.
A note to those reading this who live with me: and if you live with me and you are reading this....if you must....one request... please try and pretend that you are not reading about me....like - this is someone else....let's call her...."Beulah"....beacsue i want to still maintain some freedom in this. Some sanctity.
oh ya - one more thing - I dont want to know if your reading this. So please don't tell me if you are.
thanks. ;)
So - all of the sudden I feel very uninspired.
Anyone who may be reading this - who doesnt live with me - this is a little window into what it is like to be living very closely with many people...in intentional community. Welcome to the jungle.
It's not conducive to blogging.
because for some reason - even though we are surrounded with each other 24-7....we STILL want to read each others blogs!? And to think - that we barely have any privacy to begin with!!!!!!!!!!
when one really stops to think on this...it's pretty warped. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we could use a little less "intention".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is exactly how I feel right now:
COuld you intentionally intentionally intentionally. keep your dirty little wiggly fingers to yourself. leave me alone alone alone because the earth is ablaze and spinning and reeling and how how how is it that all anyone can think about is body and sweat and the lust of the eyes and fading fading fading beauty that never lasts longer than that...never longer than the evaporation .....please please I am not a bulwark I am a tottering fence and I need space to breath...deeply...and I am not so strong. Fuck.
because the earth is on fire and me along with it. I am not a wellspring. I am not something to be trampled. i have no resources left. none. I am empty. There is nothing here. There is nothing to draw. So get what you need somewhere else.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I will make all things well. I can make all things well. I shall make all things well. And all shall be well".
It's amazing how difficult it is to have a blog when you live in community.
I'm realizing as I write this that
a) I'm paranoid that someone may walk in here at any moment and see what I'm doing
b) any sense of being anonomous (i have no clue how to spell that word) is now gone like the wind - I can even feel it as I write this. which is really kindof sad. for me. It's killed the fun...of just expressing...but it is on the "world wide web" so it is my own fault. I awknowledge that.
that being said I will try my best to pretend that people I live with have not read this thing....and try to vent as much as i am able.
A note to those reading this who live with me: and if you live with me and you are reading this....if you must....one request... please try and pretend that you are not reading about me....like - this is someone else....let's call her...."Beulah"....beacsue i want to still maintain some freedom in this. Some sanctity.
oh ya - one more thing - I dont want to know if your reading this. So please don't tell me if you are.
thanks. ;)
So - all of the sudden I feel very uninspired.
Anyone who may be reading this - who doesnt live with me - this is a little window into what it is like to be living very closely with many people...in intentional community. Welcome to the jungle.
It's not conducive to blogging.
because for some reason - even though we are surrounded with each other 24-7....we STILL want to read each others blogs!? And to think - that we barely have any privacy to begin with!!!!!!!!!!
when one really stops to think on this...it's pretty warped. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we could use a little less "intention".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is exactly how I feel right now:
COuld you intentionally intentionally intentionally. keep your dirty little wiggly fingers to yourself. leave me alone alone alone because the earth is ablaze and spinning and reeling and how how how is it that all anyone can think about is body and sweat and the lust of the eyes and fading fading fading beauty that never lasts longer than that...never longer than the evaporation .....please please I am not a bulwark I am a tottering fence and I need space to breath...deeply...and I am not so strong. Fuck.
because the earth is on fire and me along with it. I am not a wellspring. I am not something to be trampled. i have no resources left. none. I am empty. There is nothing here. There is nothing to draw. So get what you need somewhere else.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I will make all things well. I can make all things well. I shall make all things well. And all shall be well".
Sunday, November 27, 2005
"Flow"
I've been in Ottawa for 5 days. Taking a breather from life in the big city. from life in the big crazy community.
Since I've been here...been dealing with the re-ocurring theme...of the value and beauty of music.
My mom played for me a song by a jazz/fussion artist - a trumpet player - by the name of Terrence Blanchard...I think...
Anyway - we were driving down the parkway, and she was playing this song off of the CD - a song called "Flow". I was overcome with the beauty of it - it took me to another place...a place I so badly needed to go.
And I realized as we were driving in the car and silently listening - hardly breathing - that making beautiful music is a service. It struck me like a hard blow. It's a humble service to the world. And it is badly needed....to open the eyes of our eyes and the ears of our ears. I think I have forgotten about that these past few months...with commitments coming out the wa-zoo and the details of life leaving little time to be ravished by a song...seemingly 'more important' things to do. I have forgotten about the beautiful vocation and service of the musician.
....it was all energy and passion and life and utter selflessness which Terrence Blanchard was chanelling through his trumpet. he was a true conduit.
How do I live my life right now in a way that honours this part of me? this is the question always looming.
Soooo - my god-daughter, Cadence, is a dream. i love her....really love her. she's so full of wonder right now. it makes me want to enter back into the infant world. the scarf I knit her looks smashing on her. and tres cool.
my apologies for the spelling. I've never been one to care enough.
10-4 good buddy,
-jc
Since I've been here...been dealing with the re-ocurring theme...of the value and beauty of music.
My mom played for me a song by a jazz/fussion artist - a trumpet player - by the name of Terrence Blanchard...I think...
Anyway - we were driving down the parkway, and she was playing this song off of the CD - a song called "Flow". I was overcome with the beauty of it - it took me to another place...a place I so badly needed to go.
And I realized as we were driving in the car and silently listening - hardly breathing - that making beautiful music is a service. It struck me like a hard blow. It's a humble service to the world. And it is badly needed....to open the eyes of our eyes and the ears of our ears. I think I have forgotten about that these past few months...with commitments coming out the wa-zoo and the details of life leaving little time to be ravished by a song...seemingly 'more important' things to do. I have forgotten about the beautiful vocation and service of the musician.
....it was all energy and passion and life and utter selflessness which Terrence Blanchard was chanelling through his trumpet. he was a true conduit.
How do I live my life right now in a way that honours this part of me? this is the question always looming.
Soooo - my god-daughter, Cadence, is a dream. i love her....really love her. she's so full of wonder right now. it makes me want to enter back into the infant world. the scarf I knit her looks smashing on her. and tres cool.
my apologies for the spelling. I've never been one to care enough.
10-4 good buddy,
-jc
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