33 in Guelph, ON.

It's 3pm on Friday afternoon and I am sitting in the Red Brick Cafe in Downtown Guelph. Get this - the place has FREE WIRELESS!! Can you believe it??!! Wahooo!

I feel like I've just won the jackpot.

So, I thought I'd try and give a more thorough update on my life since I've been so lackadaisical about it as of late. I have to defend myself though, by saying that not having the Internet has made me lazy about many things, not just blogging. Hopefully I will get my butt in gear and get it soon.

So the first news of the day is....that I turned the dreaded...get ready for it...33 years old this week!! Sweet Mother of God!! 33 years old. Holy Crap. I would put some expletives in here as well...but I think y'all get the point. How can I be nearing my mid thirties when in many ways I still feel like I'm twelve??? What the?! Will I always feel like I'm twelve?? Reminds me of when I was holding a 3 month old infant on my knee yesterday, and he was all slumped over having just fallen straight to sleep, and I was struck with how much he reminded me of an old man. Life is so unreal that way...we return just as we came: bald, tiny, dependant, diapered and slumped over. I wonder if it's God's funny little joke to him/herself.
And on that happy note.....I just spilt my coffee over my keyboard. Arg.

Guelph: small city or mid-sized town?

My answer: Mid sized town.
Maybe I'm a bigg(er) city snob, but there is no way that this place can be classified as a "city". Yes, it's a fun town that has a decent bookstore - two actually, a few good coffee shops, some great restaurants, a library, a little downtown and cool stuff going on....but it is most definitely NOT a city. My guess is they call it a city because of the suburb sprawl that has accumulated at a very fast rate over the past ten years. But that's what it is: suburb - not city. I don;t care if it has 115,000 people living here. Most of them live in a suburb. And the downtown core where I live, is the center of a mid-sized town with a University - not a city. Doesn't the word "city" conotate "urban"?? Why do the miles and miles of suburb classify as "city"? I'm not sure why this distinction gets to me...it just does. But I guess the same can be said for a lot of other places in the GTA, namely, BRAMPTON (God, what a horrible horrible place). I think that there should be a rule that suburbs should be called something else...like...."Lego pre-fab ugly as sin housing next to (insert name of mid-sized town here)". Yeah.

Sorry for the tangent. It's hard to put into words in a blog what has been happening to me since I moved to Guelph. Some of the most obvious things are the feelings of being surrounded by the natural world. Tree's seem so generous and all pervasive here. And birds are tweeting everywhere and so much more noticeably then anywhere I have lived before. You drive or ride your bike a little ways in a certain direction and you are literally surrounded by fields and forests. It's amazing to me and has been slowly shifting my way of being. I have been commuting many weekends into Toronto to work and am always jarred by the difference and have trouble adjusting back into the slowed, more natural pace of life after a weekend in the city. I feel a bit like I'm still in between places and look forward to when that will not be the case.

On a deeper level, the sudden removal of all that is familiar has been unsettling and it has been hard feeling like the 'newbie' in a place again. I also feel like I have been on a "prolonged retreat" in a way...not so many distractions....so things just surface I guess. I think it has been a good thing, but not always so easy.

One major perk has been the steady stream of friends and family coming in and out. I have really enjoyed offering people a little break from city life....

Tonight hopefully I will plant my herb garden, finally!

So this has been long. I will try and post some pics of life soon.

That's it that's all.
peaceo,
-jc

the town I'm from

Hellooooo Blogger land.

I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged. I am only writing now because I am in Ottawa and have full access to the Internet for the first time in over a month...wow...it's like I've been living in the dark ages or something.

So I'm here in Ottawa on a very quick trip that I wish was longer. I'm thinking right now of dear friends...the Rochelle and Mike and Jim and Sues and Jen and Andrew and Marcia and others. People I hope I do see very soon. Thankfully i was able to head up to beautiful Wakefield to see Krissy and the kids who are growing like crazy and making me feel so old! They are turning into such amazing people. It is good to see old friends.

It has been so nice to be here in the height of springtime, daffodils popping up on every corner, tulips of every imaginable colour literally adorn the city, the bright greenness of everything makes all of nature here look like it's bursting at the seams with life. Spring. I have even had a moment or two of sheer pleasure. The kind of moment where you are walking along and every problem, concern, anxiety, and thought is suspended in time and the only thing that exists in the entire universe is just me, the only sound are my footsteps on the path in front of me, the only sight is the purple little flowers poking out of the grass and the only feeling is the warmth of the sun on my face....and then it's gone. But those moments are so few and far between. I consider them pure gift. It has been a great few days.

It was my Dad's birthday, and my sister and niece and nephew were down to celebrate, so I decided to come a little late and celebrate with them. A good time was had by all. Tomorrow I head back to Guelph the train, which is way too exiting for a greyhound junkie such as myself.

For some reason this trip has been particularly nostalgic for me. I have found myself walking around and thinking about some of the really good years I spent in this neighborhood. Some of the more care-free and truly happy times of my life (with some bad days sprinkled in there, of course). Thinking a lot about all the different people that filled those days. I think for the first time I have started to miss things about my life here, or that time of my life, or the past. I felt like all the familiar places were filled with the ghosts of people I havent seen in years. Although it's been a great few days, I feel a certain definite kind of sadness. I'm not exactly sure what it's about. Maybe it's a saying goodbye to the past and kindof wishing it werent over. Maybe it's a kind of letting go. This is the city I grew up in, after all. There is a lot of myself in this place. Sometimes I forget....and then it just hits me.

Right now I am wondering why I can hear what sounds exactly like a lawnmower at 1:45AM. This place may be pretty but very strange sometimes.

Anyway, I will soon give a Guelph/life update but it's way too late at night and time for me to go to bed or something like that.

Hope you are doing well, whoever you are out there.

PBC's

Peanut butter cups rock.

Yeah... really really tasty. And thats all I'll say about that.

"Nothing happens,
and nothing happens,
and then everything happens."
-Fay Weldon

Isn't that always the way, though?
It is 5:45 am on Easter Sunday morning. I won't get into the details of why I am up at such an ungodly hour, but don't worry it really isn't very exciting at all.
I know this is a lame entry. I'm really tired, and have a headache and don't have much to say even though there are a million things swimming around in my head. Some important, some unimportant, some completely moronic, some just kinda bobbing along the surface irritating the snot out of me. But I stop and pause before I begin to spew them all out on this blog. No, not smart. Mmmm yes...the good old World Wide Web.

There is a question right now is repeating itself over and over in my head. I am sure thousands before me have asked it since the dawning of time itself. Sometimes, even on a blessed Easter morning such as this, it can come down to this one simple question:

"Is life just one damn thing after another?"

So it'll be a curmudgeonly Easter morn after all. But in the end folks, it's all good in the hood.
Word.

Ode to Dufferin Grove Park

I'm moving out of Toronto in 5 days!!! Holy crap. Anyway, I, like you Ltk, am getting all retrospective on Toronto now that I'm leaving the city. Funny how that works. This post is dedicated to one of the places in the city I will miss frequenting the most. It's Dufferin Grove Park, of course! I have spent many a happy afternoon lounging around this friendly little piece of Toronto. I've sat under it's tall trees revelling in Spring, I've had wine with dear friends on fall evenings, I've stared up and the night sky during a lunar eclipse in the winter, I've talked, laughed, biked, argued, read, written poetry, purchased organic goods in this sweet, loving place. Arguably the best Park in Toronto (definitely the best farmers market) . So here's to you, Duffy! Thanks for all the goodness!

Everything coming up Roses?

Fare-well Toronto!!

So here's the latest: It's been six years in the big smoke and I'm moving on. That's right, in approximately 2 weeks I'll be an official "Guelphite". Hoorah! As much as I do love the big city, These days I'm loving' the little city a whole lot more. Who woulda thunkit?? The sense of relief I feel as I step off the GO bus/Greyhound and arrive at the Guelph station is hard to explain but makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Have I found a home? (or have i turned into a giant cheese-ball?) It remains to be seen, but regardless, I'm pretty stoked about the situation as it stands right now. The Donald and I have found a lovely apartment with a little yard in the back (where I can finally plant a herb garden) on a truly gorgeous street Downtown. I also have the added bonus of a full and steady supply of organic produce at my disposal courtesy of Don's superior farming skills and the nurturing soil of the Ignatius Farm. Aaand....I also have a potential job opportunity in Guelph that just plopped in my lap. Could life get any better?

It's probably not fair for me to say that it is "Goodbye Toronto" completely, as the other news item is my recent acceptance into the Early Childhood Music Education program with the Royal Conservatory of Music/Ryerson University! Hoorah! This was a bit of a stroke of luck (and a great reference) for which I am very thankful. It means that I will be doing a commute into the city quite often over the next couple of years. How often is yet to be seen. I fear I shall become far too well acquainted with the GO buses and trains. Sometimes I feel just like that Ron Sexsmith Song: "All our lives we wait on trains". Truth is, I do have a certain fondness for locomotives. Apparently so does my three year old niece. (We have the joy of Train and Bus riding coursing through our veins inherited from my nan and pop. They LOVED riding the bus!)
So it's not really good-bye, dear T.O...just... 'see you around and less often'. I know, I know...now all you Torontonians can breathe a collective sigh of relief that you won't be losing Julia Churchill completely. That would be a tragic, tragic loss. har har.

All that being said, I am now in packing modes and not doing very well at it, admittedly. Who wants to pack when it's finally springy, sunny and warm out (or at least not frigid)? It's a bit of a problem. Whenever I do get around to it I end up picking up an old journal out of a box and then it all goes to hell in a hand basket. So far I have read three full journals from yesteryear. I have to say it is disturbing to read my inner most thoughts and feelings as a 21/22 year old. That's 10 years ago now...what a mind warp. At moments while I was reading it I literally had to smack myself in the head for the sheer stupidity of some of it. It was embarrassing...to ME!! I will never read it again. Sometimes I wonder why I keep the darn things. Why do I keep those heinous journals?? This is something worth looking into....

But I digress.

Today as I was ambling around Queen street west, drifting in and out of stores, amazed at the warm air hitting my face as I biked through Trinity Bellwoods park.... I thought to myself how crazy it is that I am actually preparing to leave this big, bad, busy, beautiful-in-it's-unique-way city. But I am so ready. I'm beyond ready. To quote the immortal Dylan:

"well the times, they are a' changing".

that's all for now.
Peace and Happy St. Paddy's day!
-Julia

A little bit o' Paris in Guelph, Ontario!

My new cafe in my new (soon-to-be) town! Oooo, la la.

(image: www.cooltownstudios.com/images)

Shadows can be annoying

Done sometime early Feb on a particularly lonely week. And the funny thing is that I meant to post this on my comic blog but made a mistake. Whoops!! I think I'll just post on on both. Arg.

Ash Wednesday and henri

Hidden Greatness

There is much emphasis on notoriety and fame in our society. Our newspapers and television keep giving us the message: What counts is to be known, praised, and admired, whether you are a writer, an actor, a musician, or a politician.

Still, real greatness is often hidden, humble, simple, and unobtrusive. It is not easy to trust ourselves and our actions without public affirmation. We must have strong self-confidence combined with deep humility. Some of the greatest works of art and the most important works of peace were created by people who had no need for the limelight. They knew that what they were doing was their call, and they did it with great patience, perseverance, and love.
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This one is Henri Nouwen again. I post this one as it has been something I have been struggling with a lot this week. Just feeling very much like a big faker with my dreams and the doing of 'my art' and having one of those stretches of time when I feel like everything I write or create or try and do is just pointless and dumb and too small and misdirected and this voice keeps yealling at me: "who am I to think of my self as any kind of artist when I'm struggling to really produce anything of real value" (how does one evaluate, really). It's strange as I thought I had kind of conquered this feeling since it hasn't reared it's ugly head in a very long time. I mistakenly thought I had killed it. So that is part of my disappointment. I think it was triggered by some comments I heard recently from a couple of completely unrelated sources talking about what constitutes a "real artist" and terms were being thrown around such as: emerging artist, producing artist, product, working artist.... There were others that I can't quite recall at the moment. I just remember feeling about 1 inch tall afterward, as I don't really consider myself "producing" much of anything - for the "market", anyway. Funny thing is, before letting these things get to me....I was loving just allowing myself to play around with things and experiment.

In writing this I know that I tend to get ahead of myself and also be hard on myself when I should be much much gentler. This quote reminds me that the little things do matter, that it doesn't matter if I am the only one who is aware of my awkward secret fumbling toward the dreams. What matters is that I do what I feel I should do, regardless of what anyone else thinks, or knows or says or whatever. Sometimes I just get so frustrated when shit like this gets to me.

I am thinking that this is a discipline to cultivate: "strong self-confidence combined with deep humility".

So this is my Ash Wednesday confession.
And now I am off to Kitchener.
Peace,
-Julia

The spiritual life as gigantic mystery....

"Truth Does not need to be defended, but there needs to be an openness to be a part of the dance. Meditation teaches us how to do this. We dive below the labels knowing they can't hurt us, we are okay with being offended, we don't just open the door to let some fresh air in, but jump out the door to find we have wings. We jump in, we dance, we stop looking at our beliefs to something deeper: The heart unified in Love."

-Cynthia Bourgeault


"For fifty years we should stop talking about God and call it the Holy Mystery, until we have a better, deeper understanding of what it is we are talking about."

-Karl Rahner


And here is the quote of the week (mine, anyway):

"My deepest me is God."

-Catherine of Genoa

ComicJulia

Hey there,

So I started another blog dedicated to weird little comics that I have begun drawing about my life. It's pretty bizarre and random. I started drawing them as a kind of therapy to express things I couldn't or didn't want to write out or talk about, and also to make light of some of the hard stuff - or just draw life...so you've been warned. Yes, in case you are wondering, these days I do have too much time on my hands. Anyhoo, it's kind of grown into something I do a lot of the time so I decided to post them just for fun and to share. As an old friend of mine once said "comics are for sharing"...oh no...whoops...actually he said "smokes are for sharing". Ah well. Same thing. (Please note: I am not a visual artist and I a lot of the time I can't spell.)

check it out: www.comicjulia.blogspot.com

It's like spring again in the city. Nice.
peace out,
-Julia

Borderlands and the recovering creative mind

Hi there.

I steal the term "borderlands" from Max who was speaking of it so beautifully and eloquently this Sunday in his homily (or maybe it would be more accurate to say his "poem"). I was shaken with how much I could relate to the things he was saying. Borderland - the place of endings and beginnings. And sometimes you are right there on the edge waiting for the ending to end and the beginning to begin. It's the half-light at the end of the day and the start of the night...where everything is covered in a weird hazy grayish light and you can;t quite make out the form of things. It's the place I am finding myself in these days....figuratively and literally.
I can't say the borderland has been a bad place, though. Actually, maybe for the first time in my life, I've been enjoying it in my own way.

So I'm making my plans to leave Toronto. Thought I would be moving at the end of this month, and then plans went awry and turns out I will be here now until April. It was mainly disappointing as I was planning on spending time in Kitchener with Kate in her first month of 3rd baby motherhood to help her out and spend time with the family - and be the un-official "Doula". I guess it will just have to be put-off for the time being.

In the meantime, I have been working pretty rarely, picking up the odd relief shift at a couple of shelters and penny pinching quite a lot. It's funny as I keep making the decision to walk EVERYWHERE (instead of spend the 2.75 for the TTC) and then wonder why in the world I am so tired at the end of the day. I have the tendency towards impatience so it has been good training for me not to have all the answers right now and have to wait. I would get into more details but that would be boring so I'll save those for another time.

In the midst of biding time I have been going through the beginnings of a kind of creative recovery/exploration thanks to Lisa.L. and with the help of The Artists Way. In conversation with Lisa over breakfast 3 weeks back I was telling her that I wanted to start some kind of "creative group" to get together with other folks and talk things creative, and our creative journeys/dilemmas to which Lisa replied "oh, I already started one 2 weeks ago!". So a little group of us have been meeting for breakfast early Tuesday mornings to go through 12 weeks of Julia Cameron's book, The Artists way. Happening upon this has been incredibly timely for me - in Julia Cameron-speak, that's, like, total "synchronicity"! One of the many examples of random stuff I've been doing: Today I wrote a letter from my 80 year old self to my present self as one of my tasks...I was tempted to write it out here it was so super inspiring to me...but think I might wait on that. I also wrote a letter from my 8 year old self. Anyway, so far going through this process has been incredibly eye opening for me on many levels and I feel like I am finally gaining ground in terms of recovering my poor lost artist (I think I dropped her somewhere between the Catholic worker and the 108 homeless men I was looking after....d-uh).

It is also forcing me to face some things I probably would have left in hiding otherwise. The process of doing that has been incredibly freeing if sometimes uncomfortable. I am actually feeling comfortable with myself again, unapologetically. And I keep making cartoon strips of my life just for fun which I find quite hilarious and extremely fun. It's strange the surprising things that have popped up. It's been a lot of fun. I've just said fun a whole lot. I must be having fun.

Speaking up fun, I need to go to the gym. hip hip......not happenin'.
peace
-jc (same initials as Jesus Christ and Julia Cameron!)

To Inspire; to breathe life into

I've been listening to We-haaay too much cbc radio lately with all my freeee time (note that free time doesn't come free). As a result of this I have been hearing some down right inspiring stuff. Some weeks the cbc really nails it on the head (we won't talk about the other times at this juncture). Anyway, if you need some inspiration check these links out.

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Musicians for World Harmony: This incredible organization founded by this incredible individual recently had a project in refugee camps in the Congo with children who were forced to become soldiers and commit unspeakable crimes, many times against their own families. Girls forced to become sex slaves of the military. Through the use of music, musicians and music therapists help the children heal and give voice to their stories through song. You can hear the cbc radio dispatches interview with the founder here. Just scroll down until you see the heading 'Mending Lost Hearts'.

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Joy Apparel: This Toronto based guy makes T-shirts with YOUR face drawn onto it...Here is part of his Mission -

Every face on a Joy T- Shirt has been inspired by a real person. When you wear your shirt you are encouraged to think about that person and how your everyday actions can affect others and the world we live in.

After you buy a t-shirt of some random stranger (who suddenly isn't so random!), then you send in a photo of yourself and someone else will be eventually wearing YOU! He started this company, in part, based on an encounter with a stranger, Mr. Frank Joy, who ended up having a major impact on his life. How inspiring is that??

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Jenn Hadfield, A girl living on the Shetland islands and working as a shop-keeper wins the TS Eliot award for poetry - one of the most prestigious of it's kind. She is the youngest person ever to win it.
Here is a poem she wrote in collaboration with artist Douglas Robertson entitled Daed-traa. (I want to write this poem on my ceiling it inspires me so much.)

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Hope that helped!

note to myself:

music to pick up (at some point soon):
1) Sigur Ros
2) Hawksley Workman - new one
3) Leonard Cohen - specifically - "Famous Blue Raincoat"

Blackout

These are the photos I took of myself in my apartment in the the beginning of the Black out that occurred not long ago in Toronto. The power was out in my apartment for 24 hrs on the coldest day of the year (so far) ! These photos were taken between the hours of 10:30pm and 3am. Hope you enjoy the brief play by play.

First Hour: "Yay, this is fun...I love candles!"

Third hour: "yeah..this..is...fun? All shall be well all shall be well all shall be well..."

Fourth hour:"O mi goodness...I wish I had a Coleman stove...."

fifth hour: "Pretty candles that I wish were electric"
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In conclusion, Here is a list of things to have on hand in the case of a blackout in -28 degrees:

1. candles
2. a flashlight
3. a lighter
   
4. a big fuzzy hat or toque
5. flannel Pyjamas and a big wool sweater
   
6. a hot water bottle
7. double socks
8. a Coleman stove
9. a book to read by candlelight
10. a fire safety handbook
11. long underwear
12. a bottle of Shiraz
13. a camera
14. knitting needles and wool
    

The end.

10 more till 100!

So - it is midnight and I can't sleep. And here I am in blog land.

I just realized now that 10 more posts and my blog will have reached 100 posts total! That is since I started in 2005 (I can't believe I started this thing that long ago....seems like decades ago now). There were a couple of years there where I didn't write much at all...you could say I abandoned blogging in a way. But anyway, I look forward to post number 100!

Some random notes on my life lately and life in general.

- All Obama all the time!! I feel like it's been 24/7 Obama land lately which is kind of weird. I didn't catch the inauguration speech unfortunately, but that morning, I have to admit I did get a tad emotional about the whole affair. Regardless of whether everyone's out-of-control hopes are not lived up to (mine included), it was a bright and beautiful day in the history of the world.

-Guelph, Ontario: Land of white crunchy snow and friendly folks!
I have spent the last 3 days in Guelph as I have been trying to feel it out more and make a decision about taking the plunge and leaving the big smoke for a little city with big heart. This trip has convinced me that Guelph definitely is the place I want to be at this point in my life. It's a breath of fresh air (literally and figuratively). I've already spent quite a bit if time here in the spring/summer and it has been neat seeing it in the winter. I love how strangers say hello, people randomly smile at you, the streets are narrow with old stone houses, and the parks make me want to buy snowshoes! I feel oddly at home here. I am really excited about this change. Hooray!

-I left Facebook! Yes - it's true. I went AWOL. I abandoned ship. I am no longer on Facebook. (Gasp!). I had been thinking about it for awhile, and then, one day as I was looking at photos of a complete strangers New years Eve party, I thought to myself "This is sheer madness". The funny thing about leaving Facebook is that you can't really leave...as soon as you "reactivate" (by logging in again) your account everything is there exactly as it was. It's creepy. What is interesting, too, that almost immediately after I did it I felt a gigantic sense of relief, which I still feel! That's almost embarrassing to admit and I'm not exactly sure what it means. I think, for me, it's the desire for more authentic communication in my life - as bad as I am at it. It's all good...just not for me.

-School application process begins. I am applying for a program offered by Ryerson and The RCM (Royal Conservatory of Music) as an Early Childhood Music Educator. It is a bit precarious as i am technically not qualified...on paper anyway, but have a very good reference backing me up. I feel pretty confident that I can get in the program...but a little nervous about it as well...so we shall see. This also marks a concerted effort, on my part, this year, to make my creative life the major priority. It has been too many years of not doing that.

OKay...hopefully I can sleep now.
Pax,
-jc

Diving Bells and Butterflys and it's COLD.

Is it ever COLD!! My feet are like ice cubes inside my rubber boots!!

It’s a very frigid –18 (that is including wind-chill). I am sitting in the Timothy’s on Roncesvalles drinking my almost cold tea and trying to illegally connect to someone’s wireless connection with no luck – I am able to connect for about 4 minutes and then the blasted Rogers “hot spot” will take over and try to get me to pay 6 bucks for one hour of Internet use…yes you just read that correctly – I said “6 bucks for one hour”. That’s messed up. It makes me wonder why more coffee shops in this city won’t get a little more benevolent and provide some free wireless for their patrons. It seems to me that it would make sense on many levels. But nooooo…this is no Fogo Island, folks. This is Toronto. Where nobody is apt to meet you on the street and invite you in for tea and Hard Tack. No sireee, Bob. Unless of course you are willing to pay the big bucks. It occurs to me right now that this is a fantastic city for people who have a whole lot of money. Yay, Babylon!! Whoops….I mean…Yay, Toronto!!!!

Ummm…I sense this entry is taking a bit of a “down-turn”, to use a phrase that is being thrown around a lot lately. So I’ll change the subject…. to an amazing movie I rented last night called The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. It is based on the book by the same name, written by the (then) editor of Elle magazine, Jean Dominique Bauby, who had a stroke that caused a very rare condition called “locked in” syndrome. It left this highly successful, gregarious man completely paralysed, with the exception of the movement of his left eye. He was also left without the ability to speak or make any sound. The film is made almost entirely from his perspective, so the watcher feels what it might be like to be trapped inside ones own body. You can hear his inner dialogue as he struggles to communicate with the people around him. You would think that watching a movie like this might be completely depressing or morose, and it did have an element of sadness and discomfort, for sure….but it was surprisingly much more hopeful than it was anything else. You could describe the movie as an ode to the power of the imagination – which is the thing that enabled this completely paralysed man to write the book (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly), with help, by blinking his left eye!!! It is truly inspiring in a very realistic, un-cheesy way. After seeing the movie I will be checking the good old Toronto Public Library (or TPL as I like to affectionately call it) for the book ASAP! You, whomever you may be, should see this movie.

Crappy. I just spilt my cold tea all over my leg here in the coffee shop. Classic. Now I have a very cold knee. And now I have cold tea pooled in the bottom of my precious rubber boots!! The nice man mopped it up for me, though. And a kind lady handed me a fist-full of napkins. Awww, maybe the people of Toronto aren’t so bad after all…(wink, wink).

Peace OUT,

-Julia

And now, a few words from Henri

Enough Light for the Next Step
Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, 'How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?' There are no answers to these questions. Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away.

Living the Moment to the Fullest
Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.

-Henri Nouwen
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After reading these little snippets this week, I have to thank my lucky stars for Henri Nouwen. Especially in times like these where I feel overwhelmed with decisions and the temptation is there to be completely preoccupied with the past or with the future. Even if these readings remind me that I am probably the least patient person I know. I am so stinking impatient it is ridiculous. I am only now beginning to realize the deep affects of my impatience on almost every aspect of my life. I am notorious for not being able to wait in line-ups. I would throw full on fits as a kid in restaurants if the food wasn't delivered in 2 seconds. 20 odd years later and not much has changed. but it's not the surface impatience that is the killer...it's the sense in myself that I need to be in the perfect life condition now now now. I need to have some kind of comprehensive plan to fulfill all of my dreams and goals this second. I need to fix all of my weird personality quirks right away. It's only when I have completely burnt myself out by all of the self inflicted demands, that I realize that I'm doing the same thing I did in McDonald's when i was a screaming five year old and had to have that happy meal IMMEDIATELY, or else. So immature.

Sometimes I wish I were some kind of Zen master who knew how to be completely absorbed in the present. Either a Zen master or a three year old. There's got to be some kind of happy medium. Unfortunately I am one of those people Henri described - always trying to 'get away from' where I am.

Reminds me of a dream I had a dream about Henri Nouwen a couple of years ago at a particularly difficult time. He showed up in my kitchen and sat down. I remember in the dream being so relieved to see him and I remember asking him a question...something along the lines of "What should I do about this, Henri?" I remember he just looked at me smiled and shrugged his shoulders. Then I woke up.

So, this will be my mantra for the next couple of weeks until I'm out from under the haze:

Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.

Peace.
-jc

You've just lathered up and.....

..the hot water runs out!!!

That is what just happened to me....actually it happened about a half hour ago. Here is how it went: I'm in the shower, soap all over me and just about to wash the conditioner out of my hair when suddenly the water becomes very very cold. I turn the water off, hoping it is some kind of weird glitch, only to eventually find myself huddled in the bathtub, clutching my knees to my chest, turning the faucet on and off frantically and praying to the shower Gods to let the hot water please come back. It was not to be....at least not yet. Before I continue, let me be clear: I have taken my fair share of cold showers and consider myself to be fairly adaptable to different or harsh environments in that department. I also fully realize that in most places in the world the idea of a hot or even warm shower is but a dream. Nevertheless, for some reason today I just could not bear it....I could not bear being under a freezing cold stream of water.

So, believe it or not, it is now 45 minutes later, the hot water has STILL not come on, and I am wrapped in 2 towels, practically dry, with soap residue encrusted in my hair and all over my body. that is the condition I am in as I am writing this. Sometimes if you don't see the humour in something you might just start crying about it....or throwing a full blown adult fit...which I almost did but then didn't. Yay me!

So for some reason, I felt inspired to blog about this. Maybe it was a good way to kill the time while waiting for the water to heat up (??!!), But i think it was more about an alternative to throwing a fit.

Happy Sunday...and may all your showers be forever hot!

Feliz Navidad!

Holy COW - It's almost Christmas!!

Hard to believe that Christmas 2008 is literally around the corner. It is the evening of the 23rd and I am doing my usual procrastination. This particular time I am putting off wrapping gifts and packing up my bag for my trip to Newfoundland tomorrow. I also have a sink full of dishes to do....and clothes to fold and put away...and a floor to sweep...and garbage to put out yada yada. Yikes that all reminds me that I should probably make a "to do" list.

It is a wild, wintery wonderland out there, which is kind of nice, and somewhat problematic for those of us flying any distance. I am hoping that my flight to St. John's does indeed end up leaving tomorrow on schedule, but we shall see I guess. I'm really looking forward to seeing family in Newfoundland, and actually being there as it has been awhile for me.

Christmas has really crept up on me this year...2 days ago I was like "oh yeah, Christmas this week...weird!" There has been so much going on in my brain that Christmas didn't even have a chance. I was thinking yesterday about how this time last year I was knitting like a mad-woman. I made the reeeeeaaaally dumb decision to knit all my gifts. Christmas tip #1: Never decide to knit all your Christmas gifts a month before Christmas. Never again. All that to say that this year could not be any more different.

Last night Don and I had our own version of Christmas dinner here (with chicken instead of Turkey) which I am still full from. It was delicious....thanks to Don. While he was cooking (the entire meal - poor thing!) I was braving the crowds at the mall. Christmas tip #2: Don't ever go to the mall between 5 and 8pm on Dec.22. Never again. Anyway, after I went to the gym tonight I came back and had some of the left-over scalloped potatoes from last night. So so good. So much for working out!! We also baked cookies last night which will be my Christmas gifts this year to family and friends. I am like that one weird, ghetto relative who gives people Tupperware containers full of hard cookies, or some knitted thing for Christmas. It actually makes me laugh out loud. Another thing that makes me laugh out loud is the fact that it took 2 hours to finish baking all the cookies since I only had one tiny cookie sheet. Soooo funny.

Anyway....that's it for my rambling, random Christmas entry for this year.
For anyone who may be reading - I wish a very very Merry Christmas to you and yours....
and happy new year, too!!

See you in 2009.
-Julia

Hello Ladies and Gentleman, dogs and cats...whatever.

I am back from the tropics straight into disgust-oid (yes, that IS a word I made up) land of November's cold rain, grey sky's and Ontario blah-ness. O joy. Got back about 2 weeks ago.

Axel Rose is a fool....November rain is not sweet. It is shitty.

Anyway...yet again, due to my stellar planning abilities, my life is hanging in mid-air, somewhat aimless and waiting to see a clear way ahead. Or at least a way...any kind of way. No me gusta. I have options in front of me one of which may possibly involve me going back to Costa Rica for a year, but waiting on confirmation or non-confirmation. In the meanitime I am again participating in the exciting territory of the job-search. Those of you who have been there can relate to how much of a majot pain in the ass it is. But, alas, there you have it. There are other major life decisions pending which I don't really feel at liberty to discuss on the blog, but which are life altering as well. All of this seems to be happening at the same time which requires me to have to figure out major life shite in a relatively short period of time. It's been a reeeeeally weird and disorienting 2 weeks for me to say the least. I feel like a scrambled egg right now when I need to be feeling decisive, resolute and sure..... Sunny Side UP. Heh heh. Not happening. I hated scrambled eggs as a kid. Still do. They make me want to gag.

To add to life's curve ball insanity these days, a friend of mine is also getting hitched next week, which is great, but also makes me "the last woman standing" of my closest friends. Yes, that's right, I am the very last un-married one of them. I feel like I deserve a trophy, a giant ribbon, or at least some kind of recorded applause (insert here). I imagine, within a short period of time I will be the very last child-less one of them as well. More fun times for me to look forward to. For whatever reason, at this point in time, the whole business makes me want to move to Bangladesh and never come back. And in all seriousness, I am fighting the urge to do just that...OK - maybe not Bangladesh, but some place where I can start new, where no-one knows me and I don't have to carry around the baggage of "Julia, the un-married childless one."

It's in times like these that I wish I were a man.

I also wish I were swinging in a hammock next to the Caribbean sea.

BArf.

-Julia

Still in Central America...

I have been such a baaad blogger.

It is hard to believe that it is the end of October, and here I am in a teeny tiny mountain town smack dab in the middle of Costa Rica. I was actualy supposed to be back in Toronto but decided to delay my ticket for a month. So now i will be headed back up North on November 12. My connection to the internet right now is a little precarious, so this one will be short.

I have been loving my time while at the same time feelng a lot of conflict about my life. Not really wanting to come back into the high speedland. Things are so different here. So much slower and open to simple enjoyment of life. It has been difficult being the alien and suddenly I have a lot of empathy for people who come to Canada from other countries, not knowing the language and feeling very much the foreigner. Nonetheless, it is an interesting and inspireing thing being confronted with a completely different way to live. The natural beauty here shakes me everywhere I turn..although I do find myslef getting used to it.
I am now going to go out to drink muchas cervezas. Aiiiiiiie!
(Que Dios Queire.)

con carino,
julia

The view para aqui...

Some random pics for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy.

Hola mi amigos!!

Hello from Costa Rica!!!

I am currently writing you from the Spanish school in Tuis where I am taking lessons. I am in my second day of spanish school and homestay and feel like I´m in an alternate universe. Even still, I am just as in love with this place as I was the first time...and getting to know the people and the language only increases my affection for it. Speaking of affection....there is a TON of it here!! It is amazing to see how openly demonstrative people are with one another when greeting each other and relateing to each other. I can see why people here would come to Canada would think we were a bunch of cold people. With the exception of Newfoundland of course (heh heh).

My host family are incredible people and so gracious and generous it is staggering. It is a full and active house and I love playing with thier two younger sons. Marcos is 14 and Antony is 10. I have a feeling I will learn more of the language from them than almost anyone else!! They are helarious. Gattica is my host mother and also works here and the school. She is one of the hardest working people I think I have ever met. I will be staying here in Tuis with my host family for the next two weeks and I am very excited about it despite the language barrier. It defineately makes things more interesting.

Last week I stayed with April and her husband Tony. April and I took a trip to a beatiful town called ´La fortuna´ which is home to one of Costa Rica´s active volcano´s, Arenal. We stayed at an incredible resort which was quite literally at the base of the volcano!! We also went to ¨the Baldi Hot Springs" which is one of the most amazing experiences ever. I would try to explain it but it deserves it´s own entry for sure. One word: WOW.

Just a short side note that will make some of laugh quite hard: Since Tony (Aprils husband) is a personal trainer I am attending the gym regularly. Yesterday I was actually lifting wieghts with April, in a gym full of reasonably large latino men pumping major iron. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I am definately breaking new ground here. Tony is convinced that he can transform my body in as little as 15 days!! I am not so convinced...but - hey - Por que no?

I will be uploading some pictures as soon as I get a chance. Believe me when I say that you will be blown away and want to hop on the next flight here.

I´m sure there is a whole lot that I am omitting. Ah well. Stay tuned for pictures!!

Dios le Bendiga!!
hulia

ps - for those of you spellers out there, lo siento (I´m sorry), but the connection here is slow and I am not willing to wait to check! Peace!

The journey begins...

Hi friends, family and random people who check my blog.
Just a note that the central American travelling will be underway in less than 24 hrs!
I will be updateing my blog periodically with updates and maybe a few pics if yer luck! ;)

So...feel free to check up.

LET THE FUN BEGIN!!!
-Julia

life in dreams

I've been having dreams lately that are seeping in and through my days. They are strange dreams that carry strange feelings with them even through my waking hours. I try to shake them but to no avail. It happens often...and sometimes it's great if the dreams are good....but when they are strange it's like they cast a strange haze over everything I do and everywhere I go. It's super duper annoying. It's even more annoying when I can only remember random parts of them that have no connection with any other parts. It's like getting snippets of a full-length movie and trying really hard to piece it together without success.

Even as I write this I don't really want to go to bed because of all the weirdness I fear I will have to confront shortly. Sometimes I feel like my dream world is more real that my actual life. Which reminds me of the movie 'Waking Life' which I loved so much when I first saw it that I spent hours writing out huge chunks of the dialogue in my journal, pressing the pause button on the DVD to make sure I got every word.

I wonder if my strange dreams lately have to do with the fact that I am leaving on Monday for Costa Rica and my subconscious is preparing for the fact that I am soon to be thrown into an entirely different reality. I realize that sounds kind of Jungian and freaky, but, what can I say? I live in a rather Jungian and freaky world a lot of the time. As i think about it, I really have felt in a bit of a haze lately. The line between waking and dreaming isn't so clear. Here but not here. Nowhere land soon to be somewhere completely different land.

I really hope i get it together to do all the last minute shite I have to do tomorrow. I'll be standing in the line to renew my health card at 8am. Oh joy. Should go to bed.
peace out.

by the way

Isn't this the cutest little gee-tar ya ever did see? She may not sound as sweet as she looks, but she has palm trees's, and thats what counts.

Central America Bound!!

Finally, I have made a decision about travelling - headed to Costa Rica in 2 weeks time! I'll be there for a month and a half, mostly hanging out with April, learning some spanish, hanging out with the people in Tuis and doing some travelling around Costa Rica and maybe another country, time permitting. I am really looking forward to being in a totally different environment, the slower pace of life, and being able to spend some solid time with April again. The pictures are from last year when we were there for April's wedding. The picture below was taken at the pre-wedding party that April and Tony had at thier place. I will never forget the taste of those re-fried beans as long as I live! No joke! The first photo is of the village of Tuis where April works, and where we lived while we were staying in Costa Rica. It is a beautiful lush place with equally beautiful people. I am getting really excited about the trip...if a tad stressed out about stuff I need to do before I go. Yikes.

I also feel a little worried about the pile of questions that will be facing me upon my return. No steady job, a potential move lurking, and I feel kindof ruderless in terms of how I should orient my efforts when I get back. Classic "me", to be thinking about that when i am two weeks away from leaving on an extended vacation. It's ridiculous to not be living in the present, but these things are a reality nonetheless. There are, and will be, many things hanging in the balance and I hope that I am up for dealing with it all when I get back.

Anyway, thats what up with dat! Costa Rica - get ready - hulia is comin' to town. Yeee-ha!

Down the gorge...

....in a tube is a true metaphor for life. That's me in the yellow helmet staring straight at the rocks I'm about to crash into. A moment after I had repelled myself from those rocks I was floating in a veritable serene paradise. Five minutes after that I was rushing down a large rapid, got thrown right off my tube into the rocks, caught in a massive current that was taking my with it and swallowing me. I thought I was going to die. Three minutes after that I was back up on my tube, bobbing down a sluggish and smooth current, observing some baby ducks, as if my near death experience a mere 5 seconds earlier had never even happened! A version of this pattern repeated itself many times over, as we were floating down the Elora Gorge in our tubes. I also got stuck in many a side pool, my big tube literally pushed outside of the current and spinning me in circles - not moving even an inch forward. Numerous times I had to get someone else to pull me back into the current.

It was a few weeks ago now that I went tubing down the Elora gorge with Kate Rob and Don, but i started to think about it again recently. The times of sweet serenity in life seem to be so quickly and almost rudely interrupted by "life"...either pushing me outside the current that I find myself spinning and spinning in circles, or throwing me around so that I can barely breath and feel like the end is just around the corner...but no, around the corner is bliss and ducks...until the next thing gets thrown at me. Lately I can most relate to the 'spinning in circles' - not being able to get anywhere despite all my efforts, and watching everyone else pass by at an enjoyable pace, in their tubes, bobbing along and loving life.

So that's it for the cheesy life metaphor. You can breathe a sigh of relief. Until I find some other random thing to compare to life.

So my summer has been ambling along slowly. I decided to stop panicking about the fact that I have no idea where to travel and my life feels like it's hanging in a giant balance. I decided to just try and enjoy my summer and not put any more pressure on myself to have anything "figured out". It's a hard thing for me not to get anxious....I think it's a genetic thing passed down to me from generations of sea people wringing their hands while looking out to sea and always waiting for a boat to come in. That's my half-baked theory. Anyway, I digress. It's summer, and it's great as every morning I think about getting up and the panicky feeling starts to rise, somehow, It just fades away, during the making of a smoothie, and I end of enjoying my days - more or less. It's like an art, learning how to ride the tension. Surprisingly, I've been enjoying the Toronto Summer, when I've been there. It's nice to feel like a tourist in the city, and not be bogged down by work stresses. It's so fun to be free to go wherever I want, whenever I want! A beautiful feeling. I've been loving Dufferin Grove Park, the Harborfront festivals, the Lakeshore, Toronto Island, and cruising around on my bike checking out my favorite city spots....oh - and drinking Heineken in Christie Pitts - so fun!!!

I also spent a little over 2 weeks in Ottawa, taking in the jazz festival which was amazing, and just hanging out with family and checking out the old stomping grounds. It was good times.
I'm writing this from the farm in Guelph, after spending the weekend with Don's family. Next weekend I'll be back to go to the Hillside Festival. More good music. Yay.

Hope everyone has been enjoying the summmmmmmer.
Peaceo.

City Mouse...

Sooooooo,

I am again back in Toronto after being in Elora and Guelph again over the past 5 days. I have been back for approximately 7 hours and will be re-packing my bags and headed back on the greyhound bound for Ottawa tomorrow morning for another week or more to hang with my parents and take in some Jazz festival. I am almost dizzy from all this back and forth and whizzing around! I am very excited to hear Chick Corea for the first time live, and also Brad Meldau (for the second time)!!! Amazing that I will be hearing these two people live within the SAME WEEK! Wow. I'm pumped.

As could have been predicted, I have been thinking way to much about the country vs city thing over the past month or so, since I have been spending a lot of time on the farm and in (and around) Guelph. As soon as I start to visualize myself actually living in the country, or even in a smallish town the panic sets in and I start thinking thoughts such as this one: "How the heck do you think a city girl like yourself will hack it out here in the middle of winter, or any time of the year, for that matter, when you can't just hop on a street-car and head to your favorite sushi place?! Do you really think you will get busy canning pickles or darning socks or forming a quilting bee?! Get real!!"
And I have to give that thought some serious cred. It's true that I have become so accustomed to the excess of city living that I don't think I am even fully aware of how dependant I am on the little things - that actually end up amounting to a lot. Here is why I am the ultimate city person:

-I have early memories of sitting on benches in the middle of the busiest sections of the the city with my mom, eating ice cream, and making up scenarios about the lives of all the people rushing by. It is one of my favorite young memories.

-I am 32 years of age (deep breath) and do not have a drivers licence. Yes, this means that I have relied on public transit my entire life. I am slightly proud of myself for this (much to my family's bewilderment) ...but the only way I could have done this is by living in a place big enough to sustain a working transit system. Yup, you got it: a CITY.

-I have actual dreams about Istanbul and New York.

-I started eating Donair's, Fallafel's, jamaican patties, Gnocci's with Pesto, Poutine (god help me), and Shwarma's when I was still in grade school. I am not Greek or Lebanese or Italian. I thought that people who had never tasted hummus were totally weird.

-For most of my life, up until my recent burn-out from working at a homeless shelter, one of my favorite things to do was to head downtown and chat up the panhandlers.....not so much anymore. (understatement).

-I spent 3 weeks deeply exploring the city of Paris, France and felt I had only just skimmed over the top. And for a person like myself, I was probably right.

-I like to walk or bike down some city streets with no place to go or no goal in mind...just cause. This remains one of my favorite pastimes. I was under the impression that most people enjoyed doing this...and have recently learned this is not the case.

-I spend a fairly large chunk of my life in various coffee shops. I like my Americano long. The people at the Portuguese bakery know my "thing" for custard tarts. Yikes.

-If I wanted to I could go for weeks without doing groceries. Especially if I hit up China town on a regular basis. Ye-eah!

-When I am bored I window shop...really that only means looking in store windows and rarely walk in them. I like to do it at a fairly fast pace.

-I can maneuver my way through a giant crowd on a busy sidewalk like nobody's business. Seriously. I should probably be ashamed, but I secretly think it's pretty cool.

I'm on a roll with this list, and could go on and on but I'll cut it there before I really disgrace myself. Actually, it's not even that I see these things as bad, necessarily. They are the fabric of my life and I love many, even most, aspects of my life in cities. I feel that the city has been the teacher of my most valuable life lessons. City's are so messy, and busy and scary and lovely and gritty all at once. Cities are white lights at night, and music, and food smells, dancing and sadness and crowds.....

Cities are....sitting under a tree watching a little girl chasing a red balloon in the park
hearing the street car bell, seeing the tennis ball crack against the racket while eating Roti and squinting into the sun.

Cities are beautiful.

Can this city person try another way?
Stay tuned....

Yours to Discover

Back in the blogosphere.
Back in the smogosphere.

Back from 10 + days wandering around southern Ontario. I have been in Guelph, Kitchener, Wingham, Lucknow, Goderich and a few little towns in between!

Actually most of those days were spent on Ignatius CSA organic farm just out side of Guelph - visiting Don who is an intern there. I have been officially done work for a month and a day and finally, my nerves are beginning to settle a bit. I think 10 days in the country helped out with the "unwinding". I have to say I felt a certain amount of guilt as I was lazing around, swinging in hammocks, reading, taking leisurely walks in the fields, picking wild flowers, while Don and the other interns were slaving away in the fields all days squashing potato bugs, weeding, planting and sweating.

Last weekend we headed to Guelph Lake and watched the dragon boat races and splashed around in the water a bit. We headed into town and went to our favorite store called "the family store" which is the wackiest sally-annish used "stuff" store I've ever been in. It has everything from stuffed, mounted animals to old baseball cards to live budgies for sale...the place has everything weird and wild. They even host bands there, too! Love it. We stopped in at the Albion one evening and drank too much beer after eating too much ice cream and then had a harrowing bike ride back to the farm...I had to squint to see the white line...thanks to the moonlight we made it back without any damage!

Guelph is steadily growing on me. It is small but but lovely with a little grit and a lot of heart. It feels more and more like a refreshing alternative to big city living. Toronto, I am realizing, often makes me feel all clenched up and tight - in mind and body. I have started to accept the fact that i need space both literally and figuratively. I see the truth of my 'slow-ness' more and more. I'm starting to see that maybe it is not the bad thing i have always thought it was.

I made a trip to Kitchener to visit the Halls which was great fun. I got to see little Kathryn graduate from her swimming group "Sea Turtles". She will become a "Salamander" next and is super pumped.. I also got to see Simeon in the early stages of walking!!! He looks like a little
e-wok....super cute.

I went from Kitchener back to Guelph and then we drove out to Wingham to attend the wedding of don's family friend. The ceremony was on one of the most beautiful farms I have ever been on. The Farm house built on a hill over looking rolling green hills as far as the eye can see. I walked through grass up to my waist and stood looking over the grazing sheep and the ocean of rolling green....it literally took my breath away.

On Sunday I helped Don and Carol hoe her garden (which is huge!) and we drove out to Goderich with Don's folks and spent the afternoon at the beach next to the salt mine. The waterfront is on lake Huron and is a really beautiful spot where they have built a long boardwalk along the beach. Don and I drove back to Guelph in the evening surrounded by lightning storms on either side of us!

This morning i got on the bus back to the city at 7am! Feel a little bit of trepidation upon entering back into the city...but looking forward to future travelling adventures! I think I am ready to tackle Ireland, Germany, Turkey...i think!

I'll update my plans on that front...

And there ends Julia's Ontario adventures (for now).
Peace OUt!

songs and things....

lyrics to a new song. Voila.

-----------------------------------------------------
Have you grown tired
of living in tight and tiny spaces?
It's been some years
of putting on tough and fighting faces.

I did not want to talk about it
I did not mean to sing about this
But maybe it's time for giving in a very different way
maybe it's time for giving in a very different way

And can you hear the silent longing
emanating out from all things?
It says:
"You can do anything you want....you can do anything you want."

Can you look out
and see the way the wind blows through the grasses?
Now is your chance
to run out there and play before it passes.

And i did not want to talk about it
I did not mean to sing about this
But maybe it's time for living in a very different way

And can you hear the silent longings
emanating out from every single thing
It says:
"You can do anything you want....you can do anything that you want."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this 2 days ago. It just slipped right out of me and it was nice to have written a new song on the guitar. I've been a little (maybe more than a little) preoccupied with my accordion as of late, which has been so great, but it's good not to be neglecting the guitar altogether. I feel like it is a song sung by me - for me, as I am right on the cusp of leaving the shelter and embarking on travelling and doing...um...stuff?? It is a strange feeling - this in between-what-the-heck-will-i-do-next feeling, but I do feel ready for it.

And speaking of new adventures, Don left for his farming internship in Guelph a few hours ago. I feel like i'm floating on the surface of a big sadness...but it's not like we won't be seeing each other often. I think I'm a bit nervous about the potential loneliness of being in the city and not having his constant steady companionship....and all of the uncertainty of what the future will bring....it's a lot. I imagine I will become a crazy accordion geek and drive the whole neighborhood completely insane with all my jigs'n'reels. Ah well. They'll survive!

And I'll leave it at that.

Barbara - Benny's sister

Yes - would love to connect
my email: julerific@hotmail.com
Drop me a line.

major blog/life overload!

Holy Crap!!



I just did a bit of a stupid thing and decided to read all (almost) of my blog entries from 2005 till now!!! Wowsers!! In retrospect probably not the smartest thing to do - when I'm already super tired and need sleep.



A harsh reminder of what a crazy and unbelievably intense 3 years it's been for me. I almost forgot....but not quite. It's weird, but right now I have this bizarre feeling.... like - I really wish that I could stand outside of myself and give myself a hug....for all the shit i went through with the crrrazy community and all of that madness and feeling like the most alone person on the face of the planet. O - so so much pain. I wish I could give my self a hug that says "i'm sorry...and I understand..and it wasn't your fault...you did your very best". I think mainly because I am the only person able to do that. That's a totally weird thought. Maybe that's the way it is with the really painful things that forever change you....that sense that in some ways we all bear certain types of pain and hurt alone. It's odd to feel actual compassion for one's own self. I think that is what I felt after reading all of it...not self pity...but real compassion - as if i were reading about Someone else and not me. I think that may be a first!



I think I got hooked on reading by how crazy things got. Kindof like those reality shows that you know are going really wrong or will end up really badly...but you just can't tear yourself away. It's also weird, as the whole community experience has been coming up a lot lately, totally independent of my bringing it up (generally, i don't like to think too much about it). The other weird thing is that I actually ran into a member today at the coffee shop. Bizarre.



I'm beginning to wonder if it's time to start "unpacking" it...or something. (??)

Or not.



btw - if there are any readers out there anymore...it's not all bad...don;t let this post scare you...some of it was so funny I was laughing out loud quite hard. Especially the part about 'Jesus drinking gin out of the cat dish' because of all the 'fucking hypocrites'. yeah - quite a bit of profanity over a certain span of time...but really really funny in parts. At least I thought so...but I did write it...Ok - now i sound like a complete weirdo. Awesome.


It's late. I'm bombed.

g'night.

the eve of Easter Sunday

It is the Saturday night before the day Christians celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

I have always identified closely with the Saturday of Easter more than the extreme sorrow of good Friday or the extreme joy of Easter Sunday. It was the day of Jesus in the grave....in the dark...in the silence...covered and shrouded and...dead. It sound a bit macabre...but this day seems most symbolic of my constant struggle with things of faith and of God. Most of the time it has been a blind groping in the dark. Most of the time it has been struggling with a silent God. Most of the time it has been completely shrouded and covered in many things, both from within and out. If i were to be completely honest this is how it has been, for the most part. I can relate to this part of the Easter story.

Jesus in the grave: hanging in the infinitesimally fine balance between certainties.

I can understand that. Because that is what most of life is, i think. At least, that is what mine has been. It is the place of ultimate unknowing and vulnerability. This is what is completely real and not illusory. This I know to be a major part of my life and spirituality. God in the grave....in the very middle....carrying the tension of all the inbetween places of the world, and of the deepest caverns of the human heart.

So - I want to keep vigil for this Jesus. Just as he, in his dark grave is attending to my most hidden vulnerabilities and holding them steady...in divine resignation. I'm not afraid of this resignation - because by it and through it there can come a transformation of sorts. Maybe, a slow movement from illusions to reality, at it's most stark and beautiful. A slow movement towards acceptance of myself, and all the things I will never know or understand about God.

A movement....
A way opening...
A stone rolling away.

Malade d'etre malade....

ooooohhh la la la la la la.........Rhume.

Ce n'est pas agreable. Pas du tout.

I can't find the accents on my anglophone laptop. I'm not even sure if they even exist on it. It doesn't look like it. Stupid english goons. (it's just a joke...c'est un blague.)

So - yes - sick again. I feel that ever since coming back from Christmas holidays I've been battling some kind of sickness...whether it be various forms of the stomach flu, the common cold, coughs, flu, weird rashes......and it's been 2 flipping months already! Arg!

Il devient tres ennuie.

Oh Spring...please come quickly. I need to see green growing things again.

I wonder how long i will be trapped in sick modes....like my body is running behind the pack always trying to catch up. Maybe I just need to let it be. I hate being slow sometimes...it can be so frustrating.

Which reminds me of something I read today. I've been thinking about our society's rushing and relentless need to be in competition with each other. This reading gave the example of of a Jesuit priest who was in France one summer working with the L'Arche community (a community that cares for and lives with people who have developmental disabilities). One afternoon he was helping some of the community members train for the Special Olympics: I'll quote from it directly:

"Claude was having a great time fooling around instead of trying to improve his running ability. Doug, losing his patience, scolded him saying, 'Claude, if you don't smarten up even Jean-Pierre is going to beat you!' Jean-Pierre, being very spastic, could hardly walk, let alone run. Claude lit up with a great smile and said, 'Wouldn't it be great if Jean-Pierre won!' "
-Excerpt taken from 'Enough Room for Joy - The Early days of L'Arche'
Bill Clarke SJ


There was something about reading that today that both pierced me and freed me simultaneously....if that's possible. I wish so badly I were that free from the need to compete. I wish I were that open and unaffected and loving. I wish I were that free from the Subtle vindictiveness that can creep in when we see others win...in whatever way. God, help me. I can be such a worm.

Reading that also made me feel that maybe it's okay to be sick and unproductive this week. Maybe I don't need to panic that I'm falling behind in the big, bad, crazy, rolling world out there.

So that's what goin' on.

peace -jc

a letter at 10:20pm on a Saturday night...

I write this to you on my new (used) lap top. I feel so special.

I'm sipping camomile tea with honey. I'm listening to blues on CBC radio. It's surprisingly good. Really good, actually...I gotta find out who this guy is.
I am having a very quiet Saturday night. I'm not minding it much. I have spent the evening cleaning my apartment....as it was messy messy messy from the previous week. Piles of dishes in the sink. Then I had a bath. I'm looking fantastic right now in a lot of pink flannel (that was sarcasm, incase you were wondering). I was thinking of cooking a fantastic meal for myself....but then I got too tired. I never ate actually. Nope, thats not true - I had a bowl of yogurt! Dinner of champions. This must be so thrilling for you.

I wonder what fun things you are up to tonight.

I took a long walk throught High Park today. It was nice...so bright. There was silence there, too. So much snow i wanted to jump around in. But didnt. I probably should have. There were a lot of dogs out having a blast. One too many with a fancy coat on, though. Some of them were actually better dressed than I was. The scary thing is that I'm not even joking. It was a little wierd. On my way out of a coffee shop on Bloor West where one little guy was tied up looking very 'northface' I whispered to him, "hey buddy, you look good, but don't you feel like you've lost some of your doggy dignity?" He looked at me with sad eyes. I think he was saying yes.

Guess what? My sister had a baby boy yesterday. The day after Valentines day. Not sure what his name is yet. I think they are still deciding. I hope he enjoys these day of being nameless...there is something so fresh and inviting about the idea.

I'm thinking of calling the EP 'lighthouse of dreams'. Did I ever tell you about my dream of spending half a year in a lighthouse?

So here is a poem/quote I read today that I thought you might enjoy:

Stillness is what

creates Love

Movement is what

creates Life

To be still -

Yet still moving

That is everything.

-Do Hyun Cho

I hope you are well.

Much Love,

-Julia