Central America Bound!!

Finally, I have made a decision about travelling - headed to Costa Rica in 2 weeks time! I'll be there for a month and a half, mostly hanging out with April, learning some spanish, hanging out with the people in Tuis and doing some travelling around Costa Rica and maybe another country, time permitting. I am really looking forward to being in a totally different environment, the slower pace of life, and being able to spend some solid time with April again. The pictures are from last year when we were there for April's wedding. The picture below was taken at the pre-wedding party that April and Tony had at thier place. I will never forget the taste of those re-fried beans as long as I live! No joke! The first photo is of the village of Tuis where April works, and where we lived while we were staying in Costa Rica. It is a beautiful lush place with equally beautiful people. I am getting really excited about the trip...if a tad stressed out about stuff I need to do before I go. Yikes.

I also feel a little worried about the pile of questions that will be facing me upon my return. No steady job, a potential move lurking, and I feel kindof ruderless in terms of how I should orient my efforts when I get back. Classic "me", to be thinking about that when i am two weeks away from leaving on an extended vacation. It's ridiculous to not be living in the present, but these things are a reality nonetheless. There are, and will be, many things hanging in the balance and I hope that I am up for dealing with it all when I get back.

Anyway, thats what up with dat! Costa Rica - get ready - hulia is comin' to town. Yeee-ha!

Down the gorge...

....in a tube is a true metaphor for life. That's me in the yellow helmet staring straight at the rocks I'm about to crash into. A moment after I had repelled myself from those rocks I was floating in a veritable serene paradise. Five minutes after that I was rushing down a large rapid, got thrown right off my tube into the rocks, caught in a massive current that was taking my with it and swallowing me. I thought I was going to die. Three minutes after that I was back up on my tube, bobbing down a sluggish and smooth current, observing some baby ducks, as if my near death experience a mere 5 seconds earlier had never even happened! A version of this pattern repeated itself many times over, as we were floating down the Elora Gorge in our tubes. I also got stuck in many a side pool, my big tube literally pushed outside of the current and spinning me in circles - not moving even an inch forward. Numerous times I had to get someone else to pull me back into the current.

It was a few weeks ago now that I went tubing down the Elora gorge with Kate Rob and Don, but i started to think about it again recently. The times of sweet serenity in life seem to be so quickly and almost rudely interrupted by "life"...either pushing me outside the current that I find myself spinning and spinning in circles, or throwing me around so that I can barely breath and feel like the end is just around the corner...but no, around the corner is bliss and ducks...until the next thing gets thrown at me. Lately I can most relate to the 'spinning in circles' - not being able to get anywhere despite all my efforts, and watching everyone else pass by at an enjoyable pace, in their tubes, bobbing along and loving life.

So that's it for the cheesy life metaphor. You can breathe a sigh of relief. Until I find some other random thing to compare to life.

So my summer has been ambling along slowly. I decided to stop panicking about the fact that I have no idea where to travel and my life feels like it's hanging in a giant balance. I decided to just try and enjoy my summer and not put any more pressure on myself to have anything "figured out". It's a hard thing for me not to get anxious....I think it's a genetic thing passed down to me from generations of sea people wringing their hands while looking out to sea and always waiting for a boat to come in. That's my half-baked theory. Anyway, I digress. It's summer, and it's great as every morning I think about getting up and the panicky feeling starts to rise, somehow, It just fades away, during the making of a smoothie, and I end of enjoying my days - more or less. It's like an art, learning how to ride the tension. Surprisingly, I've been enjoying the Toronto Summer, when I've been there. It's nice to feel like a tourist in the city, and not be bogged down by work stresses. It's so fun to be free to go wherever I want, whenever I want! A beautiful feeling. I've been loving Dufferin Grove Park, the Harborfront festivals, the Lakeshore, Toronto Island, and cruising around on my bike checking out my favorite city spots....oh - and drinking Heineken in Christie Pitts - so fun!!!

I also spent a little over 2 weeks in Ottawa, taking in the jazz festival which was amazing, and just hanging out with family and checking out the old stomping grounds. It was good times.
I'm writing this from the farm in Guelph, after spending the weekend with Don's family. Next weekend I'll be back to go to the Hillside Festival. More good music. Yay.

Hope everyone has been enjoying the summmmmmmer.
Peaceo.

City Mouse...

Sooooooo,

I am again back in Toronto after being in Elora and Guelph again over the past 5 days. I have been back for approximately 7 hours and will be re-packing my bags and headed back on the greyhound bound for Ottawa tomorrow morning for another week or more to hang with my parents and take in some Jazz festival. I am almost dizzy from all this back and forth and whizzing around! I am very excited to hear Chick Corea for the first time live, and also Brad Meldau (for the second time)!!! Amazing that I will be hearing these two people live within the SAME WEEK! Wow. I'm pumped.

As could have been predicted, I have been thinking way to much about the country vs city thing over the past month or so, since I have been spending a lot of time on the farm and in (and around) Guelph. As soon as I start to visualize myself actually living in the country, or even in a smallish town the panic sets in and I start thinking thoughts such as this one: "How the heck do you think a city girl like yourself will hack it out here in the middle of winter, or any time of the year, for that matter, when you can't just hop on a street-car and head to your favorite sushi place?! Do you really think you will get busy canning pickles or darning socks or forming a quilting bee?! Get real!!"
And I have to give that thought some serious cred. It's true that I have become so accustomed to the excess of city living that I don't think I am even fully aware of how dependant I am on the little things - that actually end up amounting to a lot. Here is why I am the ultimate city person:

-I have early memories of sitting on benches in the middle of the busiest sections of the the city with my mom, eating ice cream, and making up scenarios about the lives of all the people rushing by. It is one of my favorite young memories.

-I am 32 years of age (deep breath) and do not have a drivers licence. Yes, this means that I have relied on public transit my entire life. I am slightly proud of myself for this (much to my family's bewilderment) ...but the only way I could have done this is by living in a place big enough to sustain a working transit system. Yup, you got it: a CITY.

-I have actual dreams about Istanbul and New York.

-I started eating Donair's, Fallafel's, jamaican patties, Gnocci's with Pesto, Poutine (god help me), and Shwarma's when I was still in grade school. I am not Greek or Lebanese or Italian. I thought that people who had never tasted hummus were totally weird.

-For most of my life, up until my recent burn-out from working at a homeless shelter, one of my favorite things to do was to head downtown and chat up the panhandlers.....not so much anymore. (understatement).

-I spent 3 weeks deeply exploring the city of Paris, France and felt I had only just skimmed over the top. And for a person like myself, I was probably right.

-I like to walk or bike down some city streets with no place to go or no goal in mind...just cause. This remains one of my favorite pastimes. I was under the impression that most people enjoyed doing this...and have recently learned this is not the case.

-I spend a fairly large chunk of my life in various coffee shops. I like my Americano long. The people at the Portuguese bakery know my "thing" for custard tarts. Yikes.

-If I wanted to I could go for weeks without doing groceries. Especially if I hit up China town on a regular basis. Ye-eah!

-When I am bored I window shop...really that only means looking in store windows and rarely walk in them. I like to do it at a fairly fast pace.

-I can maneuver my way through a giant crowd on a busy sidewalk like nobody's business. Seriously. I should probably be ashamed, but I secretly think it's pretty cool.

I'm on a roll with this list, and could go on and on but I'll cut it there before I really disgrace myself. Actually, it's not even that I see these things as bad, necessarily. They are the fabric of my life and I love many, even most, aspects of my life in cities. I feel that the city has been the teacher of my most valuable life lessons. City's are so messy, and busy and scary and lovely and gritty all at once. Cities are white lights at night, and music, and food smells, dancing and sadness and crowds.....

Cities are....sitting under a tree watching a little girl chasing a red balloon in the park
hearing the street car bell, seeing the tennis ball crack against the racket while eating Roti and squinting into the sun.

Cities are beautiful.

Can this city person try another way?
Stay tuned....

Yours to Discover

Back in the blogosphere.
Back in the smogosphere.

Back from 10 + days wandering around southern Ontario. I have been in Guelph, Kitchener, Wingham, Lucknow, Goderich and a few little towns in between!

Actually most of those days were spent on Ignatius CSA organic farm just out side of Guelph - visiting Don who is an intern there. I have been officially done work for a month and a day and finally, my nerves are beginning to settle a bit. I think 10 days in the country helped out with the "unwinding". I have to say I felt a certain amount of guilt as I was lazing around, swinging in hammocks, reading, taking leisurely walks in the fields, picking wild flowers, while Don and the other interns were slaving away in the fields all days squashing potato bugs, weeding, planting and sweating.

Last weekend we headed to Guelph Lake and watched the dragon boat races and splashed around in the water a bit. We headed into town and went to our favorite store called "the family store" which is the wackiest sally-annish used "stuff" store I've ever been in. It has everything from stuffed, mounted animals to old baseball cards to live budgies for sale...the place has everything weird and wild. They even host bands there, too! Love it. We stopped in at the Albion one evening and drank too much beer after eating too much ice cream and then had a harrowing bike ride back to the farm...I had to squint to see the white line...thanks to the moonlight we made it back without any damage!

Guelph is steadily growing on me. It is small but but lovely with a little grit and a lot of heart. It feels more and more like a refreshing alternative to big city living. Toronto, I am realizing, often makes me feel all clenched up and tight - in mind and body. I have started to accept the fact that i need space both literally and figuratively. I see the truth of my 'slow-ness' more and more. I'm starting to see that maybe it is not the bad thing i have always thought it was.

I made a trip to Kitchener to visit the Halls which was great fun. I got to see little Kathryn graduate from her swimming group "Sea Turtles". She will become a "Salamander" next and is super pumped.. I also got to see Simeon in the early stages of walking!!! He looks like a little
e-wok....super cute.

I went from Kitchener back to Guelph and then we drove out to Wingham to attend the wedding of don's family friend. The ceremony was on one of the most beautiful farms I have ever been on. The Farm house built on a hill over looking rolling green hills as far as the eye can see. I walked through grass up to my waist and stood looking over the grazing sheep and the ocean of rolling green....it literally took my breath away.

On Sunday I helped Don and Carol hoe her garden (which is huge!) and we drove out to Goderich with Don's folks and spent the afternoon at the beach next to the salt mine. The waterfront is on lake Huron and is a really beautiful spot where they have built a long boardwalk along the beach. Don and I drove back to Guelph in the evening surrounded by lightning storms on either side of us!

This morning i got on the bus back to the city at 7am! Feel a little bit of trepidation upon entering back into the city...but looking forward to future travelling adventures! I think I am ready to tackle Ireland, Germany, Turkey...i think!

I'll update my plans on that front...

And there ends Julia's Ontario adventures (for now).
Peace OUt!

songs and things....

lyrics to a new song. Voila.

-----------------------------------------------------
Have you grown tired
of living in tight and tiny spaces?
It's been some years
of putting on tough and fighting faces.

I did not want to talk about it
I did not mean to sing about this
But maybe it's time for giving in a very different way
maybe it's time for giving in a very different way

And can you hear the silent longing
emanating out from all things?
It says:
"You can do anything you want....you can do anything you want."

Can you look out
and see the way the wind blows through the grasses?
Now is your chance
to run out there and play before it passes.

And i did not want to talk about it
I did not mean to sing about this
But maybe it's time for living in a very different way

And can you hear the silent longings
emanating out from every single thing
It says:
"You can do anything you want....you can do anything that you want."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this 2 days ago. It just slipped right out of me and it was nice to have written a new song on the guitar. I've been a little (maybe more than a little) preoccupied with my accordion as of late, which has been so great, but it's good not to be neglecting the guitar altogether. I feel like it is a song sung by me - for me, as I am right on the cusp of leaving the shelter and embarking on travelling and doing...um...stuff?? It is a strange feeling - this in between-what-the-heck-will-i-do-next feeling, but I do feel ready for it.

And speaking of new adventures, Don left for his farming internship in Guelph a few hours ago. I feel like i'm floating on the surface of a big sadness...but it's not like we won't be seeing each other often. I think I'm a bit nervous about the potential loneliness of being in the city and not having his constant steady companionship....and all of the uncertainty of what the future will bring....it's a lot. I imagine I will become a crazy accordion geek and drive the whole neighborhood completely insane with all my jigs'n'reels. Ah well. They'll survive!

And I'll leave it at that.

Barbara - Benny's sister

Yes - would love to connect
my email: julerific@hotmail.com
Drop me a line.

major blog/life overload!

Holy Crap!!



I just did a bit of a stupid thing and decided to read all (almost) of my blog entries from 2005 till now!!! Wowsers!! In retrospect probably not the smartest thing to do - when I'm already super tired and need sleep.



A harsh reminder of what a crazy and unbelievably intense 3 years it's been for me. I almost forgot....but not quite. It's weird, but right now I have this bizarre feeling.... like - I really wish that I could stand outside of myself and give myself a hug....for all the shit i went through with the crrrazy community and all of that madness and feeling like the most alone person on the face of the planet. O - so so much pain. I wish I could give my self a hug that says "i'm sorry...and I understand..and it wasn't your fault...you did your very best". I think mainly because I am the only person able to do that. That's a totally weird thought. Maybe that's the way it is with the really painful things that forever change you....that sense that in some ways we all bear certain types of pain and hurt alone. It's odd to feel actual compassion for one's own self. I think that is what I felt after reading all of it...not self pity...but real compassion - as if i were reading about Someone else and not me. I think that may be a first!



I think I got hooked on reading by how crazy things got. Kindof like those reality shows that you know are going really wrong or will end up really badly...but you just can't tear yourself away. It's also weird, as the whole community experience has been coming up a lot lately, totally independent of my bringing it up (generally, i don't like to think too much about it). The other weird thing is that I actually ran into a member today at the coffee shop. Bizarre.



I'm beginning to wonder if it's time to start "unpacking" it...or something. (??)

Or not.



btw - if there are any readers out there anymore...it's not all bad...don;t let this post scare you...some of it was so funny I was laughing out loud quite hard. Especially the part about 'Jesus drinking gin out of the cat dish' because of all the 'fucking hypocrites'. yeah - quite a bit of profanity over a certain span of time...but really really funny in parts. At least I thought so...but I did write it...Ok - now i sound like a complete weirdo. Awesome.


It's late. I'm bombed.

g'night.

the eve of Easter Sunday

It is the Saturday night before the day Christians celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

I have always identified closely with the Saturday of Easter more than the extreme sorrow of good Friday or the extreme joy of Easter Sunday. It was the day of Jesus in the grave....in the dark...in the silence...covered and shrouded and...dead. It sound a bit macabre...but this day seems most symbolic of my constant struggle with things of faith and of God. Most of the time it has been a blind groping in the dark. Most of the time it has been struggling with a silent God. Most of the time it has been completely shrouded and covered in many things, both from within and out. If i were to be completely honest this is how it has been, for the most part. I can relate to this part of the Easter story.

Jesus in the grave: hanging in the infinitesimally fine balance between certainties.

I can understand that. Because that is what most of life is, i think. At least, that is what mine has been. It is the place of ultimate unknowing and vulnerability. This is what is completely real and not illusory. This I know to be a major part of my life and spirituality. God in the grave....in the very middle....carrying the tension of all the inbetween places of the world, and of the deepest caverns of the human heart.

So - I want to keep vigil for this Jesus. Just as he, in his dark grave is attending to my most hidden vulnerabilities and holding them steady...in divine resignation. I'm not afraid of this resignation - because by it and through it there can come a transformation of sorts. Maybe, a slow movement from illusions to reality, at it's most stark and beautiful. A slow movement towards acceptance of myself, and all the things I will never know or understand about God.

A movement....
A way opening...
A stone rolling away.

Malade d'etre malade....

ooooohhh la la la la la la.........Rhume.

Ce n'est pas agreable. Pas du tout.

I can't find the accents on my anglophone laptop. I'm not even sure if they even exist on it. It doesn't look like it. Stupid english goons. (it's just a joke...c'est un blague.)

So - yes - sick again. I feel that ever since coming back from Christmas holidays I've been battling some kind of sickness...whether it be various forms of the stomach flu, the common cold, coughs, flu, weird rashes......and it's been 2 flipping months already! Arg!

Il devient tres ennuie.

Oh Spring...please come quickly. I need to see green growing things again.

I wonder how long i will be trapped in sick modes....like my body is running behind the pack always trying to catch up. Maybe I just need to let it be. I hate being slow sometimes...it can be so frustrating.

Which reminds me of something I read today. I've been thinking about our society's rushing and relentless need to be in competition with each other. This reading gave the example of of a Jesuit priest who was in France one summer working with the L'Arche community (a community that cares for and lives with people who have developmental disabilities). One afternoon he was helping some of the community members train for the Special Olympics: I'll quote from it directly:

"Claude was having a great time fooling around instead of trying to improve his running ability. Doug, losing his patience, scolded him saying, 'Claude, if you don't smarten up even Jean-Pierre is going to beat you!' Jean-Pierre, being very spastic, could hardly walk, let alone run. Claude lit up with a great smile and said, 'Wouldn't it be great if Jean-Pierre won!' "
-Excerpt taken from 'Enough Room for Joy - The Early days of L'Arche'
Bill Clarke SJ


There was something about reading that today that both pierced me and freed me simultaneously....if that's possible. I wish so badly I were that free from the need to compete. I wish I were that open and unaffected and loving. I wish I were that free from the Subtle vindictiveness that can creep in when we see others win...in whatever way. God, help me. I can be such a worm.

Reading that also made me feel that maybe it's okay to be sick and unproductive this week. Maybe I don't need to panic that I'm falling behind in the big, bad, crazy, rolling world out there.

So that's what goin' on.

peace -jc

a letter at 10:20pm on a Saturday night...

I write this to you on my new (used) lap top. I feel so special.

I'm sipping camomile tea with honey. I'm listening to blues on CBC radio. It's surprisingly good. Really good, actually...I gotta find out who this guy is.
I am having a very quiet Saturday night. I'm not minding it much. I have spent the evening cleaning my apartment....as it was messy messy messy from the previous week. Piles of dishes in the sink. Then I had a bath. I'm looking fantastic right now in a lot of pink flannel (that was sarcasm, incase you were wondering). I was thinking of cooking a fantastic meal for myself....but then I got too tired. I never ate actually. Nope, thats not true - I had a bowl of yogurt! Dinner of champions. This must be so thrilling for you.

I wonder what fun things you are up to tonight.

I took a long walk throught High Park today. It was nice...so bright. There was silence there, too. So much snow i wanted to jump around in. But didnt. I probably should have. There were a lot of dogs out having a blast. One too many with a fancy coat on, though. Some of them were actually better dressed than I was. The scary thing is that I'm not even joking. It was a little wierd. On my way out of a coffee shop on Bloor West where one little guy was tied up looking very 'northface' I whispered to him, "hey buddy, you look good, but don't you feel like you've lost some of your doggy dignity?" He looked at me with sad eyes. I think he was saying yes.

Guess what? My sister had a baby boy yesterday. The day after Valentines day. Not sure what his name is yet. I think they are still deciding. I hope he enjoys these day of being nameless...there is something so fresh and inviting about the idea.

I'm thinking of calling the EP 'lighthouse of dreams'. Did I ever tell you about my dream of spending half a year in a lighthouse?

So here is a poem/quote I read today that I thought you might enjoy:

Stillness is what

creates Love

Movement is what

creates Life

To be still -

Yet still moving

That is everything.

-Do Hyun Cho

I hope you are well.

Much Love,

-Julia

It's very important to...

"...Keep the rock rollin'."
yeah.

a year in review..

Well,

It's early 2008 so I thought - what the hell - maybe I'll post something.
Last year kicked off with a bit of a rough start - much change, uncertainty and exhaustion ...but 2007 blossomed into a restful. lovely and sometimes surprising one. I'm very grateful for it.

Some highlights big and small (mostly small) - in no specific order:

1. my first solo apartment (the hobbit hole) in the big city
2. my first herb garden.
3. many a custard tart enjoyed with Elly while living on Beatrice
4. a new set of non stick pots and pans from the folks
5. a great b-day with Krissy and really good sushi and a day on the island...turning 31 lost it's sting...
   
6. some fun gigs with Max - and singing with Anna...and Joe
7. cooking soup, soup and more soup. I looooooove making soup....
8. weekends in Wingham with Don and the Bowyers
9. Don - and his constant loving, grounding presence in my life
10. august trip to Newfoundland with my family, aunts, uncles and cousins - pilgrimage to "the Cape"
11. my grandfathers accordian made new (which I'm yet to learn how to play)
12. peaceful spring afternoons, alone with a coffee on Roncessvalles
13. Aprils October wedding in Costa Rica...and experiencing the beauty of Costa Rica...it deserves it's own highlight list
14. weekend of silent retreat in Arnprior
15. Don and Chris's new pad
16. meetings with Max
17. reading Kahlil Gibran for the first time
18. Poppy's beautiful funeral in March - Newfoundland
19. Easter weekend in Shells apartment
20. FACEBOOK
21. my ghetto keyboard!
22. tobogganing with Don, Shelley and Altin at Christie pits
23. weekend in July touring TO with mom (visual image of mom walking in china town while sipping from a coconut and carrying a little chinese umbrella to shade her and trying to carry a ton of bags at the same time...very funny)
24. hearing Oliver Schroer's 'Camino' for the first time
25. day trips outta the city with Elly and her 'wheels'
26. Kate and her sweet baby boy Simeon - "chill baby"
27. Dad's 60th
28. Spa days with Shell
29. the kiddie pool in Kitchener with Kate and the kids
    
30. Aprils August visit before really moving to Central America (!)- her wedding shower - going dress shopping - marvelling at the mytery of life and it's changes
31. camping trips with D...drunken teenage boys pukeing next to us!
    
32. Elly's booth at the Toronto Outdoor - and hoodies hoodies hoodies - and DAILY coffee breaks at the G-way.....eeeeevil starbucks makes me feel so gooooood.....
    
33. beers at the Gem with some of the Gateway gang
34. Summer trips to Wards island beach
35. many post-work evenings with CBC radio and a cup of tea....thank you CBC for your constant companionship...
36. learning Kodaly at the Royal Conservatory of Music...I never thought I'd love school again!
37. Don's brothers wedding in London
38. drinking wine at Dufferin Grove park....drinking coffee at Duffering grove park...going to the Dufferin grove market....D's cob at Dufferin Grove...skating at Dufferin Grove ...you get the point
39. I learned to run!! I can run 7K!! it's a miracle.
40. Finishing the EP. FINALLY! Thank you DOUG
41. Knitting, knitting and more knitting
42. Making Christmas Chutney...mmm mmm good
43. new years Fire Works in Ottawa with Ma and Pa from the Westin window. Breathtaking....
44. Handels 'Messiah' at Roy Thompson with Don...such a perfect and beautiful way to cap off the year. I won't soon forget that performance.
    

I didn't expect this list to be so long....and it could be so much longer...so many moments. And it's all about the moment, i think. Looking over this list...i think that it's actually true...the moment is all we have. That list also reminds me of highschool year book write ups. creepy.

On a side note...It occurs to me I should write a 'favorite music of 2007' list....as if we havent had our fill of "lists". But there are a few gems....that will be for another post.

Anyway. Thats all she wrote. Good-bye 2007. Thanks for everything.

-hulio

Freedom from choice...

....would be nice.

We don't have a lot of that kind of freedom here in the big smoke. Freedom from choice. Evem just writing down the words makes me feel a little less heavy....

I was walking throught the Eatons Centre today, briefly, and was floored by the place. It doesnt matter how often I go in there...I still feel like it's so wierd how we are constantly surrounded and bombarded by images/words/people/giant billboards/t-shirts telling us how we should look and what we should buy and who we should befriend and what we should eat and how we should smell and and and and. It's friggin overwhelming. Sometimes I wonder if the idea of choice has gotten way out of hand for us in North America. I feel like it's one of the plagues. Instead of locusts we have 10 by 10 foot glossy's of a photo-shopped, airbrushed, collagen filled woman with pursed lips and a 'come hither' stare - everywhere you turn. It's as if they are magical, multiplying billboards. There is no escape from it. And all I went in there for was a coffee. It's so fucked up. Or maybe I'm the one who doesnt get it....it's so hard to tell sometimes in this culture of more, give me more, give me more. I sometimes feel like an alien. The only thing I want more of is custard tarts...mmm....custard tarts...yummmmy..

On a better and complete opposite note, I bumped into a resident today who isnt currently staying at the shelter but who is one of our regular "community members" (thats politically correct social jusitce speak for "guys who regularly stay at the homeless shelter"). The last time I saw him he was being restricted and was in rough, rough shape. He was emotionally, physically and mentally distraught. This is not unusual for him, and even when he gets super irate, he wouldnt hurt a fly.....althgouh he likes to direct his anger at inanimate objects.....like chairs, tables, chess sets, hamburgers, plates of spaghetti....you get the drift. Sometimes it's quite helarious, if somewhat annoying. Anyway, he was actually looking really good (not to the men in suits who walked by us). He seemed really stable as well. He told me he's been at the good shepherd and going regularly to his anger management program - only 4 weeks to go. I told him I thought that was awesome, and was relieved he wasnt throwing hambugers around anymore - and he actually laughed. Then I started laughinhg harder and we actually laughed quite hard together....and it was a really really good moment. It was so good to have a conversation with him outside of work and see him somewhat happy...smiling and laughing even! I needed to see that today. I'm really glad I saw him.

I suppose it's true, and can be said, that maybe a guy like the one I was just talking about does need more freedom of choice as opposed to less. And he probably won;t ever be presented with the choices he badly needs. I, on the other hand, have choices coming out the wazoo that threaten to drown my peace of mind and distract me from things that really matter. It's so confuseing. I have choice but wish I didnt have so much of it. He has little choice (from his community/culture/world) but probably would give anything to have more choices than the meager ones he is presented with. I guess it's an age old problem....but no less baffleing. If only we could even the scales...or spread the resources...or at least cut down on those obnoxious billboards downtown...at least. I'm the last person who wants to grand-stand, or preach or tell people how i think they should or should not live...but seriously...do we really need so many useless billboards on everything?? Hmmm...I don't know how this turned into a rant about billboards. Ah well.

word. -jc

the ordinary and the wonderous...

the ordinariness of this day shines brilliantly...

amid rosemary plants lined up neatly in pots at the corner of this street and that street.

the July afternoon is littered with wooden boxes of orange-red peaches and ripe pears. sparrows settle on black fences and stare curiously at me with tilted heads...before flitting off to the top of street signs to watch streetcars and strollers roll past.


the ordinary turns extra ordinary...

with a stack of books lying on the steel coffee table. chipping, royal blue paint. cigarette smoke winds it's way slowly up to the overhanging tree branches until it stays, suspended, in the thick summer city air.

old mufflers chortle in beat up cars, while a bearded vagabond stoops to pick up a cigarette butt from the creases of the sidewalk. he slowly lifts his leathery face up towards the sun....his eyes squinting, fiercely, as if confused that it should be there at all.
a postman's truck pulls hurriedly up at the cafe...it's red paint shines like a brand new toy.
a grandmother laughs with her little cherub baby.
a graceful, willowy brunette strides by with nose planted in book.
a hydro worker yells at his co-worker that he needs a "6 FOOTER".

then the wind picks up and the trees begin to sway....

a wondrous and ordinary day.

Introducing my God daughter

Kadence White! Her before and after pics. She's all 'growed' up.

and sooo pretty in pink.

last week at the shelter...

was a hard week.

I guess I just wanted to write about it here. I actually wrote about it in a letter to a friend (yes - the old fashioned kind that you put in one of those red boxes!) and i thought i would give it voice....because I have this weird theory that sometimes is can be good to remember the hard weeks.

Sometimes being at the shelter can feel like a boulder has landed on your heart....like last week. Some of it is a vague feeling of sadness that you can;t quite put your finger on - and some of it is obvious and poignant. In any case...here are some snap shots of last week in the shelter.

****************

Benny Zilber died.

It's a weird thing, but death where i work is part of the package. You become oddly accustomed to it - or numbed by it - or something. I can't say that i have come to the point where i am completely numbed by it...but it is a bizarre and weird thing to have to get used to it on some level. Benny's death was a bit of a hard hitter. He was one of the first guys I remember when i started working. I remember feeling especially comfortable around him....he had an easy presence. He was quiet, kind, intelligent and very courteous. He was one of the guys I looked forward to seeing and having small conversations with....the weather, crosswords, food. I remember feeling a bit sad when he found housing, although i was happy for him of course....

It's so strange when I heard about it...I think some residents came to the desk and told me...and then we received an email about it...and then suddenly 3 people were at the desk asking me for something or other...and that was it. No time to pause, feel, grieve. Someone else needed my time right away....it went something like this:

In my head - "Woah. Benny died. Benny....is...dead."

Guy at the desk - "Hey Julia, when is my restriction up?"

Guy #2 at the desk - "Hey Julia, I need to make an appointment with ____ right NOW"

Guy#3 at the desk- "Hey Julia can I get a bag lunch?"

In my head - "Benny...reading papers at the sunny table...taped glasses...dead."

Guys at the desk - "HEY Julia..."

Me - "OK - one at a time..."

And Bennys death gets filed away with the countless other events that i don't have the time or luxury of processing. So here's me meager.."good-bye Benny Zilber. You'll be missed."

*****************

Mr X isnt eating. I begin to notice it. Mr X is clearly very very ill. Mr. X doesn't speak english at all. Mr X plays with his pendant that he keeps in his left pocket much of the time. He is small and slight and stays out of every ones way. He likes to sit near me though when I am in the drop-in. He likes to watch me with my puzzle. He reminds me of a small, silent child. He wears a house-coat that he found in the clothing room...he's been wearing it for a week...very proudly. He often leaves me a cigarette...silently...places one in front of me...and smiles. I tell him I can;t take it...but I do anyway and throw it out later. Like I said...Mr.X is sick. But he doesn't like hospitals, or the people who work there. I can't say that I blame him. I don;t like hospitals either. he has a communicable disease, they say, and must go....he leaves with people escorting him out. He flashes a glance my way. Terror on his face. It looks like they are carting a child away.

I go out for a cigarette and try and think of something else.

******************

We have a resident right now who annoys the heck out of me (one of them anyhow!). He tries so hard to be good, and right, and on my side....sometimes I feel like the biggest bitch in the universe...cause he still drives me nutz! Something happened with him last week that shocked me out of my annoyance - for a brief moment at least...

It was after a very very hectic afternoon. I was flustered at the front desk...and tired. 'Enter" Mr.A (for annoying). He comes bouncing in and cheery and yammering away about something - I'm not sure because I was kind of tuned out. Then he says this "By the way...Thank you."

I snap back distractedly, "For WHAT?"

Then he does something that floors me...he looks at me for a minute, smiles a huge grin, spreads his hands out as if he were Merlin the magician and says, "For Everything", as if I should have already guessed.

This may sound weird but it completely undid me. As he was bouncing off, I had to fight back a torrent of tears. And I was totally weirded out by my reaction to it. It was like Mr.A melted a black heart in that instant...as cheesy as that sounds...it was like hearing the word 'Thankyou", genuinely expressed, unfroze all the forced "coping" I can do in this place.... very few people ever say it. Because they are so desperate and needy and sad and fuckedup on crack or booze or their own mental illnesses or what-have -you...they don't have time for 'thankyous'. But Mr A did...of all people. I don't find him as annoying anymore.

********************

Miss Lonely showed up a half hour before quitting time. She was dropped off by 2 contentious citizens who found her on a corner...no idea where she was, no i.d, no belongings, just the clothes on her back. she said she got dropped off by a bus. Didn't look especially "street" or dishevelled...just normal jeans and T-shirt. She could not remember where she came from. I asked her for her name. Blank stare. I ask again. Blank stare. Finally she got it out. I ask her how I could help her...she told me that she'd been wanting to kill herself all day and it was driving her 'up the wall'. She stated it very simply as if she was used to it. every now and then she muttered something, then looked at me and apologized, "sorry - it's the voices". We decided to go to the hospital emerg and I hoped that it would be quiet so that she could get help fast - before she really had the opportunity to kill herself....it seemed to me like a very real possibility. I walked in with her and it was packed - wall to wall people....sick people, coughing people, ranting people...lots of people. I couldn't stay long...so I asked her...no I pleaded with her not to leave until someone saw her. She looked lost. But she agreed to stay. She asks me to stay. I told her that I really wanted to but that I had to go back to work. I walked away with a rock in the pit of my stomach. Cold evening....soon quitting time.

************************

A few of last weeks events...out of many many many many many.

Never ending.

I'm glad to have written out.

little less heavy maybe. All the things we never talk about....

Some time I'll write about the happy or funny things that happen...which are also many many many many.

Peace OUt -j

Springtime in the city...

Spring has arrived!

I am looking forward to (yet another) move as of the middle of May.....
I found a very nice apartment here in TO - all to myself!! After thinking about "next steps" post community living made the decision to continue working at the shelter here in Toronto for the time being, and try and find a home of my own, and live as "normal" of a life as I possibly can right now! I am looking forward to setting up my own little home, and staying put in one locale for one year at least. It will be nice to get reacquainted with myself after a very hectic couple of years, and have a space to just 'be'. It will be the first time I've lived alone in over 4 years - since Ottawa! I think it will be a neat experience to live by myself in the big city! It would have scared me 3 years ago - but I'm primed and ready....and even researching house plants!

I am still working full-time at the shelter and it has settled down quite a bit since the weather has warmed up.....very relaxed as the residents are out and about enjoying the sun. A welcome change, for sure!

I'm also in the market for a new bike, a keyboard and a double futon (frame and mattress). If any reader lives in Toronto and wants to get rid of any of these items let me know!!

I have some gigs lined up for the spring as well. It will be good to be playing more again after a long hiatus. It is a bit nerve wracking playing in front of an audience again...as i feel very rusty....but am hoping to be doing a lot more of it...and finally finishing the EP! For a sample check here
(under Julia Churchill)

Thats it for now!
peace,
-Julia

In memory...

Hi there cyber space world.

My Poppy, Jack (John) Vincent, died at the age of 91 on Monday March 19 in St. John's Newfoundland. It was a sad day for me. I just recently got back after having gone down for his funeral. I have always been very inspired by Poppy. I loved him very much. I wrote this poem during my trip, about Newfoundland, my grandparents, their history, my childhood and the feeling I have every time I go there....the very vital attachment I feel towards the land. So here it is:

for Jack and Nellie...

Many stories have been told
Most of which I've never known,
But i can feel them growing stronger in the marrow of my soul.
The legends wait and whisper in the ancient parts of me -
On the island,
On the island of my birth.

My Poppy had a fighter's heart,
and Nanny's was the same.
Their years were etched in rock and sand; through mists and driving rain.
An ocean held their deepest love and loneliness and pain -
On the island,
On the island of my dreams.

But I was just a small bird in the sky of such a place,
And yet it lit the passion of my tiny heart ablaze -
The day I set my eyes upon the face of Mother Sea,
It was the home,
It was the home inside my heart.

Shining days like crystals dropped upon a childhood land.
The moon, reflected on the deep, would take me by the hand,
And lead me to a silence where the beauty gently sang -
It was the magic,
It was the magic of my youth.

The bluest eye I've ever seen has rested on me here,
I can see myself inside it; I've inherited that stare,
Of worlds within the worlds of deepest blue and salted air,
Upon the island,
On the island of my birth.
---------------------------------------------------------the end.

Skates...

I'm looking out my parents window onto the Rideau Canal - it's a skating wonderland out there.

I arrived in Ottawa today around noon.

I will put on my skates today and sail away.

Truthfully - they are not my skates...they are my moms. Who knows where my skates are. Probably buried amongst a mountain of other childhood/adolescent memory's.

I remember skating down the canal as a kid, eating beavertails and singing "A Bicycle Built for 2" at the top of my lungs.....just to see my breath....and I remember having skating races with my Dad and other neighbors who we used to go with. My ankles were never strong enough...but skating at it's best always felt a bit like what flying might feel like.

Flying on the ground.

Gotta fly....see ya.
-Julia

Update on my life - Fat Tuesday

Hi there friends and strangers,

It's been awhile since I have written about my life...thought I would give an update. Especially given the sheer madness of the previous months... I always feel a little uncomfortable writing about my life...mostly because there are so many more interesting things to be writing about. I guess thats the wierd thing about blogging in general.

Anyhow - a fresh chapter is beginning and a lot is changeing and shifting right now. I think it may be time to bite the bullet and clear the blogger slate...so here is the dealio:

I moved out of Zacchaeus House - Toronto Catholic Worker - as of January 1 of this year. I finally made the decsion to move as of late November. It was not an easy decision for me...but it is nice to be out of what became, in the end, very very difficult (as some of my previous blogs will attest).

I have moved in with friend (and co-worker) Elly Green. Living the high life on College and Beatrice. Little Italy is a far cry from Parkdale. I do miss Parkdale very very much. It is my home in Toronto - that is for sure. But it's been good to have a break...if a little dis-orienting.

Since leaving the CW I have been working full-time front-line at the Gateway - shelter for homeless men in Toronto. I have been working there for a year and a half - but took on full-time when I left the worker. I enjoy the work...but it has taken a big mental/emotional toll over the past while. I have strong urges to retreat to a place where I only have to take care of myself.

I feel that I have learned more in the last year and a half than I have learned in all of my life thus far. No jokes. I figure that is a good thing...if overwhelming - power packed, man!!!. Right now I am seeking a way of simplicity...and un-complication (is that a word?). I also feel, in an effort to begin to process my experiences living in intense community, and living/working with the marginalized of Toronto, I would like to start writing more about the expereince and what I have gone through, and how it has changed my life and my evolveing thoughts on community and it's major impact on our increasingly individualized and isolateing society. But it is so much I barely know where to start.

So I won't right now. But I will be useing this blog as a processing tool over the next while. I also want to say thanks to those of you who have been praying with and for me over the past months. It has been a rough go - and I am thankful for those of you (known and unknown) who have helped me through it in some way. (Are we ever really "through it" I wonder?)

Until next time,
Namaste,
-Julia

Hafiz

My Sweet Crushed Angel

You have not danced so badly, my dear,

trying to hold hands with the Beautiful One.

You have waltzed with great style, my sweet, crushed angel,

to have ever neared Gods heart at all.

Our partner is notoriously difficult to follow
and even his best musicians are not always easy to hear.

So what if the music has stopped for awhile

So what if the admission to the Divine is out of reach tonight.

So what, my dear, if you do not have the ante to gamble for real love.

The mind and body are famous for holding the heart ransom.

But Hafiz knows the Beloveds eternal habits

Have patience

For He will not be able to resist your longing for long

You have not danced so badly, my dear, trying to kiss the Beautiful One.

You have actually waltzed with tremendous style

O my sweet, O my sweet, crushed angel.

Our -Hafiz c. 1320-1389

Breathe Deep...

Poloticians, morticians, philistines, homophobes,
Skinheads, dead heads, tax evaders, street kids
Alchoholics, workaholics, wise guys, dim-wits,
Blue Collars, white collars, war mongers, peace nicks

Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God

Suicidals, rock idols, shut-ins, drop-outs
Friendless, homeless, penniliess and depressed
Presidents, residents, foreigners and aliens
Dissidents, feminists, xenophobes and chauvenists

Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God

Evolutionists, creationists, perverts, slum lords,
Dead beats, athletes, protestants and catholics,
Housewives, neophytes, pro-choice, pro-life,
misogynists, monogamists, philanthropists, blacks and whites

Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God

Police, obese, lawyers and government
Sex offenders, tax collectors, war vets, rejects
Atheists, scientists, racists, sadists,
Photographers, biographers, artists, pornographers

Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God

Gays and lesbians, demagogues and thespians
The disabled, preachers, doctors and teachers,
Meat eaters, wife beaters, judges and juries
Long hair, no hair, EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE...

Breathe Deep - Breathe deep the breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe deep the breath of God

-Lost Dogs

"Life's a gas" - C. Andersen

There is a lot of venting about to happen here. You have been warned.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What should i do???

Please read and let me know. I don't care who you are. I need help.

Just when you think things could'nt get any worse.....

....this Tuesday our gas got shut off. We got the little green slips in the mail letting us know. No joke. It was due to late payments and minimum payments. Cold showers and no stove. It's all about giggles and fun here at the Catholic Worker.
(It's very coooold in here right now.)

Thankfully it will be back on hopefully some time tomorrow. We have been charged a crazy amount of money that we can't really hope to pay (fully, that is)...we are required to pay the balance within 2 weeks or we will get sgut off again! So Don sent out a mass email basically begging everyone and anyone for help. We have recieved some generous emails from people who want to send money...and other kinds of help. How nice.

And as per usual, my name wasnt mentioned in the damn email. Which I think is the straw that is breaking the camels back. After a year of living in this house, living through the burn out of 2 co-workers, being the only one left in this house, having survived 9 months of insanity, kidnappings, crack users, shootings, theft, a lot of "grinning and bearing it", feeling virtually invisible on this block, putting my mental and many times physical health at risk, having to ask all residents in my house to leave and the subvsequent madness, and more recently living through undoubtedly the worst/hardest 2 months I think I have ever experienced which i won't get into cause if i do I might barf. ( i could generally go on for a long time here - but i'll spare all the details)...all this for the sake of the community....and then finally when things get so bad that a desperate plea for help has to be sent out...I'M NOT EVEN MENTIONED IN THE FUCKING EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!! Every time i think the worst is over...the pit just keeps on deepening.

I know by now many of you might be asking: why am i still here?
What has this community really given to me outside of some major melt-downs and feelings of complete isolation, and the real kicker: the total ravageing of my spiritual and creative life?

I guess i just wanted so badly to salvage something good out of a very wrong situation. I want to be able to do some of the things I've dreamt about doing here. I want something to show for all the work and tears and pain of this year...something good...something beautiful and life-giving. But I'm too tired to do anymore dreaming.

One of the hardest parts about all of this, is that after all of this I can't even say that I have made very many true and lasting friendships/relationshpis. ironically that is what a community is supposed to be about. I can think of 3 people, and for those I am very thankful...but I keep asking myself...has all this been worth it for that?

In Conclusion: I do really want to leave. Thats the truth. But i don't know where to go or what to do from here.
I'm afraid of the overwhelming bitterness that may ensue as a result of doing all this work and having to leave without doing anything I really wanted to do. I just feel so worn out and under valued and unappreciated.

I feel like an old piece of garbage that has been chewed up and will soon be spat out.
I FEEL USED.

what should i do? ? ? ?

how do i know if i should leave...or if i need to stick this out. if you have an opinion...please give it?

when Jesus drinks

so thankful for generous friends with comfortable apartments for me to lie down in.
Even ones that are half packed...or close to half.

yet again, writing this from Aprils apartment. have spent the afternoon watching TV here - doin' nothing. boxes and bags full of her stuff packed up. she'll be going to Costa Rica middle of October. looking around here it is becomeing painfully real.
...the fact that she really is leaving. hard thing. difficult thing when people you love, who have become part of the fabric of your life, go away. makes me sad.

sad today. tired. wondering if all this is going to be worth it. it doesnt feel like it right now. it feels a little more like slow dying. i'm loseing my faith in people . talking and talking and talking in circles and i don't even know if this is where i should be. feel as if i'm banging and banging my head against a brick wall - for what??

SO frustrated with people who like to talk talk talk out of thier asses about "the Beloved Community" ad about ideasls- preaching about the beauty of living in community yada yada yada, when the shit hits the fan the talkers scatter like ashes in the wind. when it comes down to the really really hard stuff, the ones who talk the loundest run the farthest away. and it makes me reeeaaaaally friggin MAD. it makes me want to rant and rave and swear. it makes me want to say:

"wow - you big bunch o' hypocrites - you are the kind that probably make Jesus want to drink gin staight outta the cat dish. He is quite a guy to love you in spite of you acting like big, stupid, pompous idiots. Maybe you'd best shut your trap about your high and mighty ideals from now on, unless your prepared to walk the talk. f*&%*ers."

yeah - I'm all about cutting through the crap right now. Believe me when i say - thats it's a big job - cause there seems to be a mountain of crap to cut through around here. big old stinky pile.

and on that happy note.....
peace,
-julia

The fall.

I have been such a bad blogger lately.

September is here...the air is cooler...it smells like new beginnings.
I wish I were about ot head back into school - buying books - sniffing thier new crisp pages - taking long strolls through an ivy covered campus and laying my head down on a red velevet covered chair in the red library with a book and a highlighter. The fall always makes me feel like starting something fresh...something new yet familiar. Makes me feel like travelling!!

Strange to be feeling all these things when my life situation is about the farthest thing from fresh and new. Instead of branching out into a new horizon, I have been given the most unpleasant job of dusting the cobwebs off an experiment gone bad, and a community of people coming un-hinged. Or just gone moldy or wonky. Actually it's quite a lot more complicated and serious than that, in a way. A lot of hard work to be done...and being done. Too much to explain. Am i being cryptic??

I did spend a beautiful 8 days of silence last month at Loyola House which is a Jesuit retreat and training centre in Guelph. (You may have heard of it by way of a big old Wal-Mart scandal that has been on-going. The monks lost of course. I saw the beginnings of it while I was there. A monstrosity!)
My 8 days there were a gift to me, and a reminder that God is ever and always present..even in the darkest and lonliest of circumstances.

Reading a 'laugh-out-loud' poignantly bizarre book by Christopher Moore entitled "Lamb - The gospel according to Biff, Christs childhood pal". It is truly one of the funniest and most facisinateing books I've read in a long time. Not for the theologically faint of heart - it may offend some....just a warning. It has many sweet little nuggets of truth hidden...one of my favorites that i had never heard is this one:

"The three jewels of the Tao: compassion, moderation and humility.
Compassion leads to courage, moderation leads to generosity, and humility leads to leadership."

I'll leave you on that note.
I do love the fall.

peace,
-julia

unexpected gifts

First post in awhile...

It's been a hot'n'sweaty July. A high stress and mentally exhausting month....and will probably continue until at least October, and maybe into November. I feel in the middle of a dark tunnel. And the only way out is through. There is no avoiding a lot of mess and pain.
Life seems so hard and heavy right now. Very hard.

But - It's a lovely Sunday for me....Met Shelley this morning at a beautiful little Anglican church downtown - St.George the Martyr. It was quite an unexpected gift. I can honestly say it is probably the first time I have felt truly nourished inside of a church in over a year. I felt strengthened after the sacrament. I felt more relaxed than i have in a very long time. Sitting in the pew with my eyes closed and breathing slowly...i felt a bit as if I was in the warm lap of God. The piano player played the Ave Maria as the priest annointed and prayed over some of the parishioners after the celebration of the Eucharist....and during the singing of a particularly beautiful hymn I just cried and cried. The silence....the peace....Totally and wholly unexpected. I believe I have found a church I actually want to attend. I'm so glad for it.

Then we biked back to Roncessvalles and met April....who will actually be moving to Costa Rica for a year: Crrrrrrrrrazy. Anyway - then we got coffee's, Shelley cut my hair in April's back yard, and A and S left for Freedomize I stayed here to watch Aprils TV and get a shower. Man, I love my friends. I am so lucky. sooooo...I've been vegging out wrapped in one of her big bath towels....this has been a retreat day. a true sabbath. i think i will watch a movie.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfall
all your waves and breakers
wash over me
wash over me
wash over me
and heal me.

Peace,
-julia

questions on Community

Changes come
Turn my world around
Changes come
bring the whole thing down

-Over the Rhine
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yet another bigger transition is coming about in the CW community. I guess we all knew this was a'coming - with the end of the 'year' that I said I would be here - almost upon us. It is no fun here right now, though. But hasnt really been much fun for about 3 months now. Not that things should always be fun. No not at all.

However annoying and disconcerting new changes are, they do bring certain fresh possibilities to the fore - that i did not have much room to entertain before now. ... new questions arising from these shifts....such as:

1) What are the top 5 most important things that I want/need for my life out of living in community with others?
2) What is a sustainable and healthy way for me to live and be in community?
3) What would I do differently (based on the the current experience)? What would remain the same?
4) If I had a choice, who are the people in my life, or who i know, who I would most want to live in longer term community with? Why?
5) What would my ultimate philosophy or vision statement for an intentional community be?
6) How can I live in community in a way that allows me to live naturally and in an unforced manner?
7) What existing intentional community do I most admire? Why?
8) If I were to help form or become part of a new community would I want to practise some form of hospitality? if so, what would that look like?
9) What would my personal non-negotiables be upon forming and living in a community?
10) At this stage in my life how much time (ie. years) would I be willing to commit to another experiment of living in community?
11) How important is it for me to remain in my current neighborhood?

These are a few of the questions that are turning and turning around in my mind. Actually I can't make it stop - no matter how badly I want to. As sick as I am of the word "community" and "intentional" I know I have to figure out whether I want to continue experienting with it or not. Is this a way of life that I am somehow called to. After the sheer craziness that this year has been it is so difficult for me to say.

I know there is a lot of "me" and "my" in the above questions...and the reason for that is - that one of the biggest things I have learned from my time here is that, if your not careful, your identity can become lost is a sea of obligations and "should's" when living in community - in a house of hospitality. It is difficult to maintain a sure sense of self when constantly surrounded by people.

I long for a simpler way of life. A more joyful life. A life with and for others. A life filled with purpose and fuelled by a bigger vision. It seems that community is probably the hardest way for a person to live...but seems that it may be the better way. The way that leads to deeper joy. But I could be deluded.

Some reflections on my experience here:
I know that the major downfall for me about living at the Catholic Worker is the drain on my artisitic & creative nature, and I know now that I can't survive longterm inside a community that is not actively feeding into and focused on creativity in some major way. I realize now that I need some form of artistic accountability....a place that affirms and celebrates art and the artist. I think I need to be part of a community that is focused more on "bieng" rather than "doing"....and than maybe the "doing" would flow out of the "bieng" (??) . I also realize that I need a place that is more concerned with cultivateing real friendship/relationship rather than projects. I think i need a more faith based community. A place where there is more of a commonality of faith expression and more communal prayer that is open somewhat natural an unforced.

Some first thoughts.

Sometimes I think that all I want to do is sit around and play my guitar for a year.

On a farm....where there is a dog....and a labrynthe....and yellow birds.

peace,-jc

Avoiding Life...

Hey there...

It's Friday afternoon in June... and there are about a million things that I could/should be doing. But instead I am hibernateing in my room reading, lying around, checking my email and ignoreing the telephone. Good times. And so - I decided it was awhile since my last post.

I spent last week in Newfoundland. Left on very short notice due to my Poppy being quite sick. I hadnt been there in three years - since my grandmothers funeral...so I decided to go knowing that I really wanted to see him before he dies. Turns out he took a turn for the better and he is actually doing really well in his new home.
It was a good week there. Nice to be in a place where the pace of life seems so much more natural and less frantic. And the air so clean!! I took many long walks in/around the city and along the paths there. The beauty of that land never ceases to amaze me.

Upon returning I have been feeling more and more unmotivated concerning the things in my life I should feel motivated about...like my new job(s) at PNC, like life here at the worker....I just feel a bit blank about life and work. Where I should feel exited I only feel dread.

I have been craving a simpler life - a life free of endless striving and work and searching for and long lists of commitments and endless streams of people and needs and demands etc etc etc. I wonder if my energy has just run out.
Or if my desires for what I really want out of life are slowly emergeing out of a heap of responsibility that I want nothing to do with anymore.

I wish I knew what I wanted. I feel that if I knew that I would do whatever it takes. Maybe life really is too short to be fullfilling obligations and ignoreing true desires. I wish my calling and my desires would run into each other and meet. major clarification of what I am called to do and be is in order.

Don telling me about his friend Sara, who is going to India to finish her studies on Tabla and to learn how to sing in that beautiful way...when I heard about that something in me longs for that kind of life of discovery and plungeing into experiences. I felt the same way when I heard about Jeremy packing up his car and moving to Newfhoundland to study ethnomusicology. Something in me aches for that. To forget everythting and do something that is just for me...to experience life in its fullness...to follow my own instinct - purely.

I think that turning 30 is actually bringing on a whole lot more bigger life questions than i was anticipateing. Damn it all to hell!!! ;)

I should stop here before my head gets fuzzy and my brow permanently furrowed.
These are big questions.
and I'm hungry.
peace,
-Julia