Random poem

it doesnt matter the words you say
it it only matters the softness of your touch

the only thing that matters is the warmth of a hand on a back
the only thing that matters is the way that I look at you
and the way you look at me

i look at you as if I had given birth to you
i look at you as if you were my own child
like that
to look at you with mercy = my womb aches for the loss of you
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i met a man who told me that he wants to move to China and change his identity....change his first and last name - wipe everything out. He told me that it is possible for him to be lost unto this world.....and to put to death the man that he is - where no one will ever find him. He told me he can be a brand new man.

"I can be reborn" he whispered to me with fire in his eyes. "I can be reeeee - born...."

Two hours later I saw him again - he was smoking a butt...and he looked at me and told me he changed his mind and said he was going back to Nova Scotia instead. I told him that I was glad he wasnt going to change his identity because if I happened to be in China and i spotted him it might be uncool for me to disclose his former identity. He laughed - but his eyes were cold. the fire was gone. I should've told him that I didnt want him to be lost unto this world.

Happy Halloween.

Mayhem

Yep - that is what has suddenly become if my life....it's gone from pretty non eventfull to totally nutty....sheer craziness....and no computer which is driving me \bonkers. As i writethis from my music School owners computer.

Theres just something uncool about blogging from the Toronto public library. don't getme wrong - I'm a big fan of the library...but sheesh.

So in the past 2 weeks i have been trying to adjust to a totally different set of life circumstances...and it has been extremely challenging. i think one of the most challenging and wierd times in my life to date. I hadnt the slighest clue what the heck I was getting myself into when I decided to live in community here at the worker....but hey - you on;ly live once right!
Whats interesting as well is that being surrounded by people 24-7 brings about it's own kind of lonliness which i\ have never experienced until now. But Anyway - life is jammed with activity and I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed and weeded (as they say in the restaurant industry). Between open dinners, morning prayer, meetings, cooking meals, offering hospitality to random people, setting up house - a hundred little distractions....someone wantsthis - someone wants to talk....and then trying to have a life of my own.....it seems like a little too much at this stage. I hope i can do this thing called LOVE. It's one thing on paper...it's a whole other ballgame at 7am in the morning.

I'm right now loaded down with a very very unpleasant cold. I need hot liquid. pronto.
must go. And heres a shout out to Esther - if your reading this - Hey sister....i'm so glad someone reads my blog....especailly YOU! hehe.
peace out
-julia

I'm a Catholic Worker

So it's official...as official as Catholic Workers can be...I am a catholic worker.

I am moved. and i feel in the wierdest twilight zone space ever. Very very very very very strange. Boxes everywhere in my room...people everywhere.... feel like I'm on mars.....CAn I handle this new life? Do I have any clue what I have gotten my self into? I think it's safe to say "nope". what the FUCK????!!!!>>>>????!!!!????!! What the fuck have I done???!!!!

sorry - I'm okay now. just had to release a little tension there. There is so much running through my head that I don't know where to start. I feel lost....and overwhelmed. But I guess that 'community' for ya. I'm sure the dust 'll settle. kindof. ooooo Lord have Mercy. Christ have Mercy. Lord have Mercy.

So other topics: on a lighter note...I was telling Lisa last night that I have a pleasant crush-like thingy which I havent had in what seems like a looong time. I had forgotten how nice it was to have a crush. A simple uncomplicated crush. I think i thought i had become a steel trap....impenetrable....sealed off....cold. And suddenly there are these vulnerable, wow-i-feel-like-a-twleve-year-old feelings.... and it's good to know that I'm not the fortress I thought I was. I can still feel. Yay for me.
Must