The Waiting Room

temporary new blog alert

2011-11-09T12:26:00.000-08:00

hi...

Here is a temporary new blog.

Check it out

www.juliacancershmancer.blogspot.com

pax,
-jc

Tale of 2 cities....

2011-07-04T16:54:00.001-07:00

So I'm not sure if I mentioned this earlier but I've been living in two cities - Guelph and Toronto. For the most part I've been living in Toronto (at least lately) even though my "home" technically speaking is in Guelph. This means that I exist in a very strange in between world which contains a lot of commuting and feeling somewhat displaced no matter where I am. There are a lot of pros to this situation - namely that I get to do work that I love, I get to live both rural and urban, I get to spend time with friends in the city and maintain connections here. The downsides are the ones I've been thinking more about lately....

The major down-side: being apart from "The Donald" (a.k.a - the fiancee) for extended periods of time. Being away from "Kitty" (a.k.a fatso katso) for extended periods of time also sucks. It so happens that the past couple of months I have been in Toronto for major pro-longed stretches and haven't been in Guelph much at all. I think in the past month I have probably spent 4 or 5 days there scattered. This is starting to get me down. It's not so much being away from "Guelph" but being away from my own bed, my books, my cat, the back deck, my bike, my full wardrobe...that sort of thing.

I was talking to a friend about this today...the fact that I've been missing the normal day to day routine of living together and am looking forward to a time when I won't be constantly juggling my time between 2 places. It's gotten to the point where i feel like my "rolling travel bag" is like an appendage. It's rather pathetic. Maybe I should start wearing a fanny pack everywhere I go and become a 'perpetual tourist'.

So that's all on this topic.
10-4
-jc

She's getting....

2011-06-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

...Hitched!

I don't think many people, if any, read this thing anymore - but what the hay - I thought I'd give the report anyway. The unimaginable has happened....Julia is getting married. To this guy:

The Donald.

It's totally anti-climactic in many ways since we've been together for 5 years and some (?) and have been living together for 2 (or more?) in the booming metropolis of Guelph. I'm not good with dates....or time lines. In any case, the date is set and we'll be officially tying the knot next summer outside (weather permitting) on the Ignatius Centre property in Guelph on the same land where Don farms. It's a very beautiful place that holds a lot of meaning for both of us.

It feels weird to say that we are "engaged", although I guess that is what we are. I think i feel strange around it because it seems way too traditional or "old-school" in my mind for some reason. It also co notates a state of waiting for that 'big day where suddenly we begin a life together', which seems strange since we are already well along that path. I feel like the day we get married is another step on a journey we've already undertaken. A significant one - but not to be overshadowed by all the decisions, compromises - both large and small, celebrations, responsibilities etc, that we've already experienced and gone through together.

In some ways, the whole experience of deciding to do this has made me more aware of the ways that our culture has completely over-blown and romanticised marriage. Starting with the wedding. Yikes - it's a zoo! I never knew there was, like, one BILLION wedding blogs out there! One thing that makes me laugh is the "engagement photo". What the??!!?? Since when was this a thing??!! Super cheesy poses of couples kissing under a tree, and on a bridge, and next to a horse, and on a swing, feeding the ducks etc etc etc. BARF!!! Who cares!!!!

Sooooo very CHEESY. (Sorry for the all caps. Couldn't help it). And all the super hip wedding bloggers drive me just as crazy - if not more....I dunno - I guess it's all a little much.

Anyway, all the marketing weirdness has made me really have to stop and consider what it really means...for me...and for us. It can be hard to strip all the hoop-lah away and get to the crux of it. I know for me it's important that I make a public commitment to Don. And it's also about the important people witnessing it...I know I need those things. It's about more than this but in ways that are deep and hard for me to articulate at this point.

To be sure - there will be more venting about this topic in the year ahead. Oh joy.

-Julia

BallyHack

2010-09-29T12:20:00.000-07:00

The BallyHack is the name of a small boat owned by my grandparents at thier summer home in Newfoundland. I spent many very happy hours in this little boat. Some of the happiest in my memory.

A Dream:
Last night I dreamt that I was in the Ballyhack again - it was a new and improved version....very shiny. I was in it with my Father and Mother and we were going to take it for a spin. My Father was driving, and I crawled into a space at the front of the boat. The boat started to go and I felt more exhilarated that I've felt in years...pure euphoria. It was a very very bright and beautiful day. I moved to the back of the boat and watched the wake...and relished in each bump the boat took as it ricocheted against the waves. Suddenly, the boat began to lift right off of the water and started flying through the air! It was as if it suddenly became a great bird and took us on the most breathtaking tour of the coast - at times swooping and flying low just above the water, and at times flying almost into the clouds.
It was a beautiful dream.

Louisiana nights

2010-08-31T19:34:00.000-07:00

Sitting in my backyard. It's 10:30 pm and it smells just like Baton Rouge. It's that thick moist smell. The air just hanging, dead calm...and it's like I can smell the leaves on the plants....I don't know....but it smells just like Louisiana did at night.
Makes me ache for the deep south. Makes me long for a really long road trip, or plane ride or train ride.

yup - I've got that travel bug....bigtime.

I think I'm just restless after spending a month relaxing in Guelph.

I'm also thinking of my friends....Kate just left on a major Europe adventure, complete with 3 young children, and they are all probably having a picnic in some France countryside right now.
April is in Costa Rica, where she has been for awhile now, but I think of her and wish I were there experiencing the wonder of that place with her - drinking coffee in her new house on the hill. I do miss it. Jacob just came back from months in Africa. Then there are some of my fellow bloggers - Lisa globe trotter extraordinaire - and Esther playing her Ukulele in Korea. I suppose, when I think about it, people I know are periodically scattered all over the globe. I wish sometimes I could scatter myself all over the globe, experience the bounty of beautiful moments that only travelling can bring, and then just come back when I need to. That would be sweeeet.

Then again, maybe it's just restlessness that needs to be patiently dealt with and worked out of me. Who the heck knows?

Anyway - this was a bit of a rambling post. Whatev.

Peace to all near and far.

Narrative

2010-08-03T13:03:00.000-07:00

So I know that in an era of twitters, smart phones and whatever else - blogging is slowly fading away into the technological past....but I will not surrender. No sir. Not me:

"I will still use a pen and pencil, I will still write in a journal that is just for my own eyes, I will still play cassette tapes, I will still use an embarrassing email address that I have had since I was 19 (Am I that old?), I will still use a human bank teller occasionally (OK - that one is a lie)....and yes, I will still blog!!!! Thank you, thank you very much."
[Insert crazy applause and moving orchestral arrangement here.]

So...do you ever feel like your life has lost it's narrative....or narrator...or any kind of of plot, sequence, structure, or...umm...point? I've been feeling like this the past few days. This is partly due to the end of 8 months of a nomadic lifestyle and somewhat feverish activity. Some people thrive on this, but all the activity, although much of it truly amazing, has left me feeling exhausted, scattered and without a cohesive "story-line". I am realizing more and more that I am someone who really needs time to process my experiences. Or else it all starts to feel like randomness. Too much randomness and I start to like a dismembered body...all my limbs floating around in search of each other. I struggle to root myself - and fight against it at the same time. I probably just have a bad case of ADHD. Heh heh.

Here's what I've been up to:

My internship with Jumblies Theatre in Toronto extended until the beginning of June. It was a truly inspiring experience working with so many incredible, talented artists....and so many diverse communities. I learned SO much. It deserves it's own blog posting.

Spent a week in Ottawa with the folks. Visited Ottawa peeps - great time.

Came back and spent 2 more weeks in Toronto touring a Community arts play with Arts4All: "It Happened in My Apartment". A musical play based on true stories of people living in a Toronto community Housing building. Complete with beautiful puppets! I was in heaven!

Came back to Guelph for 4 days and then took off for a week of camping in Bon Echo Park. Survived very close run ins with bears. Very exciting.

Returned to Toronto to complete a 2 week intensive course for my 'Early Childhood Music Education' Program at the RCM. This course was great, but in a word: 'Intense'.

So I am actually back in Guelph. Sometimes I have forgotten where I live in the midst of everything. The reality is setting in right now as I listen to the cicadas, observe the tomato plants growing and watch the birds chase each other. Life is about to slow down.

Anyway, that's my update. I'll probably have more time to blog over the next little while....I am hoping.

Peace,
-jc

Insecurities = Boo.

2010-03-22T19:11:00.000-07:00

Claiming the Sacredness of Our Being....
Are we friends with ourselves? Do we love who we are? These are important questions because we cannot develop good friendships with others unless we have befriended ourselves.

How then do we befriend ourselves? We have to start by acknowledging the truth of ourselves. We are beautiful but also limited, rich but also poor, generous but also worried about our security. Yet beyond all that we are people with souls, sparks of the divine. To acknowledge the truth of ourselves is to claim the sacredness of our being, without fully understanding it. Our deepest being escapes our own mental and emotional grasp.

*************************************

The above quote comes attcha' from Henri. J. Nouwen....source of all wisdom...or at least, a whole lot of it. I post this today as a reminder to myself, mainly because over the last 2 weeks I have had a really difficult time doing just this - that is - "claiming the sacredness of my being". I guess it's normal, but as I have been venturing out of my comfort zone lately into new and relatively uncharted territory in work and life, although inspiring at times, it has also brought out some of my deep insecurities. I have found myself lately thinking things such as "I am so bad at this...I am not as good as so-and-so...why do I even bother...I am so fat...I am so unaccomplished...I haven't done enough in life...what's the point...this is probably just a dumb idea...". The list goes on and on and on and on. There is just a lot of self consciousness happening that is really hindering me in enjoying things. And that bothers me. It's the demon of perfectionism creeping in. AAAAaaarrrg. It sometimes stifles every creative urge that I have. No good.

"Our deepest being escapes our own emotional grasp."
I think this really is the crux of the issue. I am mostly completely out of touch with my essential essence. It's a total mystery to my adult self. The only time I may have been slightly aware of it was as a very young child. And then.."poof"....it's gone.

Speaking of which: Today, as I was preparing for a class drinking a coffee I was observing 2 little girls playing total imagination games with each other. At one point they were playing "Dentist" and the one little who was the dentist girl says to the other "Wow - look at your tooth I just pulled out! So Yellow - you really need to come and see me more often" Then she held up the imaginary tooth for the other little girl to see, and she stared at the invisible thing, and as if it was totally real she exclaims "Wow - I see what you mean. Reeeeally yellow!"

I'm not sure what exactly it was about that exchange, but it made me really wish that I was 4 again and absolutely wrapped up in the moment, and not in my weird little inferiority complex.

Anyway - that is my thought for the day. totally
peace out.
-jc

Do it now

2010-03-10T19:59:00.001-08:00

Hi! I'm back in the blogosphere after a very long hiatus. The photo above was taken by a friend of mine....he found it painted on a wall. Anyway, this will be my mantra for the coming year. And I feel that, so far, I have been pretty successful!

News Update: I am currently doing a 4 month internship with an amazing Theatre company in Toronto focused on community arts. The Theatre company is called Jumblies Theatre. It has been a very busy and extremely inspiring 2 months for me. After many years of trying to find truly meaningful work that does not burn me out, suck me dry, or leave me bored and bereft of creativity I feel like I'm finally in a place where the pieces of my somewhat insane life experience actually fit. It is a rather euphoric experience!

In addition to the internship I am also in school for Early Childhood Music Education. Busy times.

For those of you who may be wondering, yes, I am still technically based in Guelph, but I am splitting my time between the big city and the small city right now. This means that I spend a giant chunck of my time on buses or some other form of transit. But it's worth it, and also really nice to be able to escape the mad frantic pace of life in the big T dot. For example, not having to deal with getting through crowds of pedestrains staring at thier iphones is a nice break. Toronto's newest epidemic is the iphone. Arg.

So, this was my somewhat boring news update.
I leave you with the quote that bears repeating:

You don't need TIME
and perfect conditions
Do it now
Do it today
Do it for 20 minutes
And watch
Your heart....Start....Beating.

later skaters,
-Julia

33 in Guelph, ON.

2009-05-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

It's 3pm on Friday afternoon and I am sitting in the Red Brick Cafe in Downtown Guelph. Get this - the place has FREE WIRELESS!! Can you believe it??!! Wahooo!

I feel like I've just won the jackpot.

So, I thought I'd try and give a more thorough update on my life since I've been so lackadaisical about it as of late. I have to defend myself though, by saying that not having the Internet has made me lazy about many things, not just blogging. Hopefully I will get my butt in gear and get it soon.

So the first news of the day is....that I turned the dreaded...get ready for it...33 years old this week!! Sweet Mother of God!! 33 years old. Holy Crap. I would put some expletives in here as well...but I think y'all get the point. How can I be nearing my mid thirties when in many ways I still feel like I'm twelve??? What the?! Will I always feel like I'm twelve?? Reminds me of when I was holding a 3 month old infant on my knee yesterday, and he was all slumped over having just fallen straight to sleep, and I was struck with how much he reminded me of an old man. Life is so unreal that way...we return just as we came: bald, tiny, dependant, diapered and slumped over. I wonder if it's God's funny little joke to him/herself.
And on that happy note.....I just spilt my coffee over my keyboard. Arg.

Guelph: small city or mid-sized town?

My answer: Mid sized town.
Maybe I'm a bigg(er) city snob, but there is no way that this place can be classified as a "city". Yes, it's a fun town that has a decent bookstore - two actually, a few good coffee shops, some great restaurants, a library, a little downtown and cool stuff going on....but it is most definitely NOT a city. My guess is they call it a city because of the suburb sprawl that has accumulated at a very fast rate over the past ten years. But that's what it is: suburb - not city. I don;t care if it has 115,000 people living here. Most of them live in a suburb. And the downtown core where I live, is the center of a mid-sized town with a University - not a city. Doesn't the word "city" conotate "urban"?? Why do the miles and miles of suburb classify as "city"? I'm not sure why this distinction gets to me...it just does. But I guess the same can be said for a lot of other places in the GTA, namely, BRAMPTON (God, what a horrible horrible place). I think that there should be a rule that suburbs should be called something else...like...."Lego pre-fab ugly as sin housing next to (insert name of mid-sized town here)". Yeah.

Sorry for the tangent. It's hard to put into words in a blog what has been happening to me since I moved to Guelph. Some of the most obvious things are the feelings of being surrounded by the natural world. Tree's seem so generous and all pervasive here. And birds are tweeting everywhere and so much more noticeably then anywhere I have lived before. You drive or ride your bike a little ways in a certain direction and you are literally surrounded by fields and forests. It's amazing to me and has been slowly shifting my way of being. I have been commuting many weekends into Toronto to work and am always jarred by the difference and have trouble adjusting back into the slowed, more natural pace of life after a weekend in the city. I feel a bit like I'm still in between places and look forward to when that will not be the case.

On a deeper level, the sudden removal of all that is familiar has been unsettling and it has been hard feeling like the 'newbie' in a place again. I also feel like I have been on a "prolonged retreat" in a way...not so many distractions....so things just surface I guess. I think it has been a good thing, but not always so easy.

One major perk has been the steady stream of friends and family coming in and out. I have really enjoyed offering people a little break from city life....

Tonight hopefully I will plant my herb garden, finally!

So this has been long. I will try and post some pics of life soon.

That's it that's all.
peaceo,
-jc

the town I'm from

2009-05-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

Hellooooo Blogger land.

I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged. I am only writing now because I am in Ottawa and have full access to the Internet for the first time in over a month...wow...it's like I've been living in the dark ages or something.

So I'm here in Ottawa on a very quick trip that I wish was longer. I'm thinking right now of dear friends...the Rochelle and Mike and Jim and Sues and Jen and Andrew and Marcia and others. People I hope I do see very soon. Thankfully i was able to head up to beautiful Wakefield to see Krissy and the kids who are growing like crazy and making me feel so old! They are turning into such amazing people. It is good to see old friends.

It has been so nice to be here in the height of springtime, daffodils popping up on every corner, tulips of every imaginable colour literally adorn the city, the bright greenness of everything makes all of nature here look like it's bursting at the seams with life. Spring. I have even had a moment or two of sheer pleasure. The kind of moment where you are walking along and every problem, concern, anxiety, and thought is suspended in time and the only thing that exists in the entire universe is just me, the only sound are my footsteps on the path in front of me, the only sight is the purple little flowers poking out of the grass and the only feeling is the warmth of the sun on my face....and then it's gone. But those moments are so few and far between. I consider them pure gift. It has been a great few days.

It was my Dad's birthday, and my sister and niece and nephew were down to celebrate, so I decided to come a little late and celebrate with them. A good time was had by all. Tomorrow I head back to Guelph the train, which is way too exiting for a greyhound junkie such as myself.

For some reason this trip has been particularly nostalgic for me. I have found myself walking around and thinking about some of the really good years I spent in this neighborhood. Some of the more care-free and truly happy times of my life (with some bad days sprinkled in there, of course). Thinking a lot about all the different people that filled those days. I think for the first time I have started to miss things about my life here, or that time of my life, or the past. I felt like all the familiar places were filled with the ghosts of people I havent seen in years. Although it's been a great few days, I feel a certain definite kind of sadness. I'm not exactly sure what it's about. Maybe it's a saying goodbye to the past and kindof wishing it werent over. Maybe it's a kind of letting go. This is the city I grew up in, after all. There is a lot of myself in this place. Sometimes I forget....and then it just hits me.

Right now I am wondering why I can hear what sounds exactly like a lawnmower at 1:45AM. This place may be pretty but very strange sometimes.

Anyway, I will soon give a Guelph/life update but it's way too late at night and time for me to go to bed or something like that.

Hope you are doing well, whoever you are out there.

PBC's

2009-04-17T22:04:00.000-07:00

Peanut butter cups rock.

Yeah... really really tasty. And thats all I'll say about that.

2009-04-12T02:36:00.000-07:00

"Nothing happens,
and nothing happens,
and then everything happens."
-Fay Weldon

Isn't that always the way, though?
It is 5:45 am on Easter Sunday morning. I won't get into the details of why I am up at such an ungodly hour, but don't worry it really isn't very exciting at all.
I know this is a lame entry. I'm really tired, and have a headache and don't have much to say even though there are a million things swimming around in my head. Some important, some unimportant, some completely moronic, some just kinda bobbing along the surface irritating the snot out of me. But I stop and pause before I begin to spew them all out on this blog. No, not smart. Mmmm yes...the good old World Wide Web.

There is a question right now is repeating itself over and over in my head. I am sure thousands before me have asked it since the dawning of time itself. Sometimes, even on a blessed Easter morning such as this, it can come down to this one simple question:

"Is life just one damn thing after another?"

So it'll be a curmudgeonly Easter morn after all. But in the end folks, it's all good in the hood.
Word.

Ode to Dufferin Grove Park

2009-03-24T09:55:00.000-07:00

I'm moving out of Toronto in 5 days!!! Holy crap. Anyway, I, like you Ltk, am getting all retrospective on Toronto now that I'm leaving the city. Funny how that works. This post is dedicated to one of the places in the city I will miss frequenting the most. It's Dufferin Grove Park, of course! I have spent many a happy afternoon lounging around this friendly little piece of Toronto. I've sat under it's tall trees revelling in Spring, I've had wine with dear friends on fall evenings, I've stared up and the night sky during a lunar eclipse in the winter, I've talked, laughed, biked, argued, read, written poetry, purchased organic goods in this sweet, loving place. Arguably the best Park in Toronto (definitely the best farmers market) . So here's to you, Duffy! Thanks for all the goodness!

Everything coming up Roses?

2009-03-17T17:44:00.000-07:00

Fare-well Toronto!!

So here's the latest: It's been six years in the big smoke and I'm moving on. That's right, in approximately 2 weeks I'll be an official "Guelphite". Hoorah! As much as I do love the big city, These days I'm loving' the little city a whole lot more. Who woulda thunkit?? The sense of relief I feel as I step off the GO bus/Greyhound and arrive at the Guelph station is hard to explain but makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Have I found a home? (or have i turned into a giant cheese-ball?) It remains to be seen, but regardless, I'm pretty stoked about the situation as it stands right now. The Donald and I have found a lovely apartment with a little yard in the back (where I can finally plant a herb garden) on a truly gorgeous street Downtown. I also have the added bonus of a full and steady supply of organic produce at my disposal courtesy of Don's superior farming skills and the nurturing soil of the Ignatius Farm. Aaand....I also have a potential job opportunity in Guelph that just plopped in my lap. Could life get any better?

It's probably not fair for me to say that it is "Goodbye Toronto" completely, as the other news item is my recent acceptance into the Early Childhood Music Education program with the Royal Conservatory of Music/Ryerson University! Hoorah! This was a bit of a stroke of luck (and a great reference) for which I am very thankful. It means that I will be doing a commute into the city quite often over the next couple of years. How often is yet to be seen. I fear I shall become far too well acquainted with the GO buses and trains. Sometimes I feel just like that Ron Sexsmith Song: "All our lives we wait on trains". Truth is, I do have a certain fondness for locomotives. Apparently so does my three year old niece. (We have the joy of Train and Bus riding coursing through our veins inherited from my nan and pop. They LOVED riding the bus!)
So it's not really good-bye, dear T.O...just... 'see you around and less often'. I know, I know...now all you Torontonians can breathe a collective sigh of relief that you won't be losing Julia Churchill completely. That would be a tragic, tragic loss. har har.

All that being said, I am now in packing modes and not doing very well at it, admittedly. Who wants to pack when it's finally springy, sunny and warm out (or at least not frigid)? It's a bit of a problem. Whenever I do get around to it I end up picking up an old journal out of a box and then it all goes to hell in a hand basket. So far I have read three full journals from yesteryear. I have to say it is disturbing to read my inner most thoughts and feelings as a 21/22 year old. That's 10 years ago now...what a mind warp. At moments while I was reading it I literally had to smack myself in the head for the sheer stupidity of some of it. It was embarrassing...to ME!! I will never read it again. Sometimes I wonder why I keep the darn things. Why do I keep those heinous journals?? This is something worth looking into....

But I digress.

Today as I was ambling around Queen street west, drifting in and out of stores, amazed at the warm air hitting my face as I biked through Trinity Bellwoods park.... I thought to myself how crazy it is that I am actually preparing to leave this big, bad, busy, beautiful-in-it's-unique-way city. But I am so ready. I'm beyond ready. To quote the immortal Dylan:

"well the times, they are a' changing".

that's all for now.
Peace and Happy St. Paddy's day!
-Julia

A little bit o' Paris in Guelph, Ontario!

2009-03-16T14:39:00.000-07:00

My new cafe in my new (soon-to-be) town! Oooo, la la.

(image: www.cooltownstudios.com/images)

Shadows can be annoying

2009-03-05T08:21:00.000-08:00

Done sometime early Feb on a particularly lonely week. And the funny thing is that I meant to post this on my comic blog but made a mistake. Whoops!! I think I'll just post on on both. Arg.

Ash Wednesday and henri

2009-02-25T10:50:00.000-08:00

Hidden Greatness

There is much emphasis on notoriety and fame in our society. Our newspapers and television keep giving us the message: What counts is to be known, praised, and admired, whether you are a writer, an actor, a musician, or a politician.

Still, real greatness is often hidden, humble, simple, and unobtrusive. It is not easy to trust ourselves and our actions without public affirmation. We must have strong self-confidence combined with deep humility. Some of the greatest works of art and the most important works of peace were created by people who had no need for the limelight. They knew that what they were doing was their call, and they did it with great patience, perseverance, and love.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This one is Henri Nouwen again. I post this one as it has been something I have been struggling with a lot this week. Just feeling very much like a big faker with my dreams and the doing of 'my art' and having one of those stretches of time when I feel like everything I write or create or try and do is just pointless and dumb and too small and misdirected and this voice keeps yealling at me: "who am I to think of my self as any kind of artist when I'm struggling to really produce anything of real value" (how does one evaluate, really). It's strange as I thought I had kind of conquered this feeling since it hasn't reared it's ugly head in a very long time. I mistakenly thought I had killed it. So that is part of my disappointment. I think it was triggered by some comments I heard recently from a couple of completely unrelated sources talking about what constitutes a "real artist" and terms were being thrown around such as: emerging artist, producing artist, product, working artist.... There were others that I can't quite recall at the moment. I just remember feeling about 1 inch tall afterward, as I don't really consider myself "producing" much of anything - for the "market", anyway. Funny thing is, before letting these things get to me....I was loving just allowing myself to play around with things and experiment.

In writing this I know that I tend to get ahead of myself and also be hard on myself when I should be much much gentler. This quote reminds me that the little things do matter, that it doesn't matter if I am the only one who is aware of my awkward secret fumbling toward the dreams. What matters is that I do what I feel I should do, regardless of what anyone else thinks, or knows or says or whatever. Sometimes I just get so frustrated when shit like this gets to me.

I am thinking that this is a discipline to cultivate: "strong self-confidence combined with deep humility".

So this is my Ash Wednesday confession.
And now I am off to Kitchener.
Peace,
-Julia

The spiritual life as gigantic mystery....

2009-02-19T20:15:00.000-08:00

"Truth Does not need to be defended, but there needs to be an openness to be a part of the dance. Meditation teaches us how to do this. We dive below the labels knowing they can't hurt us, we are okay with being offended, we don't just open the door to let some fresh air in, but jump out the door to find we have wings. We jump in, we dance, we stop looking at our beliefs to something deeper: The heart unified in Love."

-Cynthia Bourgeault

"For fifty years we should stop talking about God and call it the Holy Mystery, until we have a better, deeper understanding of what it is we are talking about."

-Karl Rahner

And here is the quote of the week (mine, anyway):

"My deepest me is God."

-Catherine of Genoa

ComicJulia

2009-02-13T11:13:00.001-08:00

Hey there,

So I started another blog dedicated to weird little comics that I have begun drawing about my life. It's pretty bizarre and random. I started drawing them as a kind of therapy to express things I couldn't or didn't want to write out or talk about, and also to make light of some of the hard stuff - or just draw life...so you've been warned. Yes, in case you are wondering, these days I do have too much time on my hands. Anyhoo, it's kind of grown into something I do a lot of the time so I decided to post them just for fun and to share. As an old friend of mine once said "comics are for sharing"...oh no...whoops...actually he said "smokes are for sharing". Ah well. Same thing. (Please note: I am not a visual artist and I a lot of the time I can't spell.)

check it out: www.comicjulia.blogspot.com

It's like spring again in the city. Nice.
peace out,
-Julia

Borderlands and the recovering creative mind

2009-02-09T16:40:00.000-08:00

Hi there.

I steal the term "borderlands" from Max who was speaking of it so beautifully and eloquently this Sunday in his homily (or maybe it would be more accurate to say his "poem"). I was shaken with how much I could relate to the things he was saying. Borderland - the place of endings and beginnings. And sometimes you are right there on the edge waiting for the ending to end and the beginning to begin. It's the half-light at the end of the day and the start of the night...where everything is covered in a weird hazy grayish light and you can;t quite make out the form of things. It's the place I am finding myself in these days....figuratively and literally.
I can't say the borderland has been a bad place, though. Actually, maybe for the first time in my life, I've been enjoying it in my own way.

So I'm making my plans to leave Toronto. Thought I would be moving at the end of this month, and then plans went awry and turns out I will be here now until April. It was mainly disappointing as I was planning on spending time in Kitchener with Kate in her first month of 3rd baby motherhood to help her out and spend time with the family - and be the un-official "Doula". I guess it will just have to be put-off for the time being.

In the meantime, I have been working pretty rarely, picking up the odd relief shift at a couple of shelters and penny pinching quite a lot. It's funny as I keep making the decision to walk EVERYWHERE (instead of spend the 2.75 for the TTC) and then wonder why in the world I am so tired at the end of the day. I have the tendency towards impatience so it has been good training for me not to have all the answers right now and have to wait. I would get into more details but that would be boring so I'll save those for another time.

In the midst of biding time I have been going through the beginnings of a kind of creative recovery/exploration thanks to Lisa.L. and with the help of The Artists Way. In conversation with Lisa over breakfast 3 weeks back I was telling her that I wanted to start some kind of "creative group" to get together with other folks and talk things creative, and our creative journeys/dilemmas to which Lisa replied "oh, I already started one 2 weeks ago!". So a little group of us have been meeting for breakfast early Tuesday mornings to go through 12 weeks of Julia Cameron's book, The Artists way. Happening upon this has been incredibly timely for me - in Julia Cameron-speak, that's, like, total "synchronicity"! One of the many examples of random stuff I've been doing: Today I wrote a letter from my 80 year old self to my present self as one of my tasks...I was tempted to write it out here it was so super inspiring to me...but think I might wait on that. I also wrote a letter from my 8 year old self. Anyway, so far going through this process has been incredibly eye opening for me on many levels and I feel like I am finally gaining ground in terms of recovering my poor lost artist (I think I dropped her somewhere between the Catholic worker and the 108 homeless men I was looking after....d-uh).

It is also forcing me to face some things I probably would have left in hiding otherwise. The process of doing that has been incredibly freeing if sometimes uncomfortable. I am actually feeling comfortable with myself again, unapologetically. And I keep making cartoon strips of my life just for fun which I find quite hilarious and extremely fun. It's strange the surprising things that have popped up. It's been a lot of fun. I've just said fun a whole lot. I must be having fun.

Speaking up fun, I need to go to the gym. hip hip......not happenin'.
peace
-jc (same initials as Jesus Christ and Julia Cameron!)

To Inspire; to breathe life into

2009-01-26T13:20:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to We-haaay too much cbc radio lately with all my freeee time (note that free time doesn't come free). As a result of this I have been hearing some down right inspiring stuff. Some weeks the cbc really nails it on the head (we won't talk about the other times at this juncture). Anyway, if you need some inspiration check these links out.

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Musicians for World Harmony: This incredible organization founded by this incredible individual recently had a project in refugee camps in the Congo with children who were forced to become soldiers and commit unspeakable crimes, many times against their own families. Girls forced to become sex slaves of the military. Through the use of music, musicians and music therapists help the children heal and give voice to their stories through song. You can hear the cbc radio dispatches interview with the founder here. Just scroll down until you see the heading 'Mending Lost Hearts'.

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Joy Apparel: This Toronto based guy makes T-shirts with YOUR face drawn onto it...Here is part of his Mission -

Every face on a Joy T- Shirt has been inspired by a real person. When you wear your shirt you are encouraged to think about that person and how your everyday actions can affect others and the world we live in.

After you buy a t-shirt of some random stranger (who suddenly isn't so random!), then you send in a photo of yourself and someone else will be eventually wearing YOU! He started this company, in part, based on an encounter with a stranger, Mr. Frank Joy, who ended up having a major impact on his life. How inspiring is that??

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Jenn Hadfield, A girl living on the Shetland islands and working as a shop-keeper wins the TS Eliot award for poetry - one of the most prestigious of it's kind. She is the youngest person ever to win it.
Here is a poem she wrote in collaboration with artist Douglas Robertson entitled Daed-traa. (I want to write this poem on my ceiling it inspires me so much.)

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Hope that helped!

note to myself:

2009-01-25T11:06:00.000-08:00

music to pick up (at some point soon):
1) Sigur Ros
2) Hawksley Workman - new one
3) Leonard Cohen - specifically - "Famous Blue Raincoat"

Blackout

2009-01-23T16:22:00.000-08:00

These are the photos I took of myself in my apartment in the the beginning of the Black out that occurred not long ago in Toronto. The power was out in my apartment for 24 hrs on the coldest day of the year (so far) ! These photos were taken between the hours of 10:30pm and 3am. Hope you enjoy the brief play by play.

First Hour: "Yay, this is fun...I love candles!"

Third hour: "yeah..this..is...fun? All shall be well all shall be well all shall be well..."

Fourth hour:"O mi goodness...I wish I had a Coleman stove...."

fifth hour: "Pretty candles that I wish were electric"
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In conclusion, Here is a list of things to have on hand in the case of a blackout in -28 degrees:

candles
a flashlight
a lighter
a big fuzzy hat or toque
flannel Pyjamas and a big wool sweater
a hot water bottle
double socks
a Coleman stove
a book to read by candlelight
a fire safety handbook
long underwear
a bottle of Shiraz
a camera
knitting needles and wool

The end.

10 more till 100!

2009-01-22T21:03:00.000-08:00

So - it is midnight and I can't sleep. And here I am in blog land.

I just realized now that 10 more posts and my blog will have reached 100 posts total! That is since I started in 2005 (I can't believe I started this thing that long ago....seems like decades ago now). There were a couple of years there where I didn't write much at all...you could say I abandoned blogging in a way. But anyway, I look forward to post number 100!

Some random notes on my life lately and life in general.

- All Obama all the time!! I feel like it's been 24/7 Obama land lately which is kind of weird. I didn't catch the inauguration speech unfortunately, but that morning, I have to admit I did get a tad emotional about the whole affair. Regardless of whether everyone's out-of-control hopes are not lived up to (mine included), it was a bright and beautiful day in the history of the world.

-Guelph, Ontario: Land of white crunchy snow and friendly folks!
I have spent the last 3 days in Guelph as I have been trying to feel it out more and make a decision about taking the plunge and leaving the big smoke for a little city with big heart. This trip has convinced me that Guelph definitely is the place I want to be at this point in my life. It's a breath of fresh air (literally and figuratively). I've already spent quite a bit if time here in the spring/summer and it has been neat seeing it in the winter. I love how strangers say hello, people randomly smile at you, the streets are narrow with old stone houses, and the parks make me want to buy snowshoes! I feel oddly at home here. I am really excited about this change. Hooray!

-I left Facebook! Yes - it's true. I went AWOL. I abandoned ship. I am no longer on Facebook. (Gasp!). I had been thinking about it for awhile, and then, one day as I was looking at photos of a complete strangers New years Eve party, I thought to myself "This is sheer madness". The funny thing about leaving Facebook is that you can't really leave...as soon as you "reactivate" (by logging in again) your account everything is there exactly as it was. It's creepy. What is interesting, too, that almost immediately after I did it I felt a gigantic sense of relief, which I still feel! That's almost embarrassing to admit and I'm not exactly sure what it means. I think, for me, it's the desire for more authentic communication in my life - as bad as I am at it. It's all good...just not for me.

-School application process begins. I am applying for a program offered by Ryerson and The RCM (Royal Conservatory of Music) as an Early Childhood Music Educator. It is a bit precarious as i am technically not qualified...on paper anyway, but have a very good reference backing me up. I feel pretty confident that I can get in the program...but a little nervous about it as well...so we shall see. This also marks a concerted effort, on my part, this year, to make my creative life the major priority. It has been too many years of not doing that.

OKay...hopefully I can sleep now.
Pax,
-jc

Diving Bells and Butterflys and it's COLD.

2009-01-14T20:03:00.000-08:00

Is it ever COLD!! My feet are like ice cubes inside my rubber boots!!

It’s a very frigid –18 (that is including wind-chill). I am sitting in the Timothy’s on Roncesvalles drinking my almost cold tea and trying to illegally connect to someone’s wireless connection with no luck – I am able to connect for about 4 minutes and then the blasted Rogers “hot spot” will take over and try to get me to pay 6 bucks for one hour of Internet use…yes you just read that correctly – I said “6 bucks for one hour”. That’s messed up. It makes me wonder why more coffee shops in this city won’t get a little more benevolent and provide some free wireless for their patrons. It seems to me that it would make sense on many levels. But nooooo…this is no Fogo Island, folks. This is Toronto. Where nobody is apt to meet you on the street and invite you in for tea and Hard Tack. No sireee, Bob. Unless of course you are willing to pay the big bucks. It occurs to me right now that this is a fantastic city for people who have a whole lot of money. Yay, Babylon!! Whoops….I mean…Yay, Toronto!!!!

Ummm…I sense this entry is taking a bit of a “down-turn”, to use a phrase that is being thrown around a lot lately. So I’ll change the subject…. to an amazing movie I rented last night called The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. It is based on the book by the same name, written by the (then) editor of Elle magazine, Jean Dominique Bauby, who had a stroke that caused a very rare condition called “locked in” syndrome. It left this highly successful, gregarious man completely paralysed, with the exception of the movement of his left eye. He was also left without the ability to speak or make any sound. The film is made almost entirely from his perspective, so the watcher feels what it might be like to be trapped inside ones own body. You can hear his inner dialogue as he struggles to communicate with the people around him. You would think that watching a movie like this might be completely depressing or morose, and it did have an element of sadness and discomfort, for sure….but it was surprisingly much more hopeful than it was anything else. You could describe the movie as an ode to the power of the imagination – which is the thing that enabled this completely paralysed man to write the book (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly), with help, by blinking his left eye!!! It is truly inspiring in a very realistic, un-cheesy way. After seeing the movie I will be checking the good old Toronto Public Library (or TPL as I like to affectionately call it) for the book ASAP! You, whomever you may be, should see this movie.

Crappy. I just spilt my cold tea all over my leg here in the coffee shop. Classic. Now I have a very cold knee. And now I have cold tea pooled in the bottom of my precious rubber boots!! The nice man mopped it up for me, though. And a kind lady handed me a fist-full of napkins. Awww, maybe the people of Toronto aren’t so bad after all…(wink, wink).

Peace OUT,

-Julia

And now, a few words from Henri

2009-01-08T15:34:00.000-08:00

Enough Light for the Next Step
Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, 'How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?' There are no answers to these questions. Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away.

Living the Moment to the Fullest
Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.

-Henri Nouwen
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After reading these little snippets this week, I have to thank my lucky stars for Henri Nouwen. Especially in times like these where I feel overwhelmed with decisions and the temptation is there to be completely preoccupied with the past or with the future. Even if these readings remind me that I am probably the least patient person I know. I am so stinking impatient it is ridiculous. I am only now beginning to realize the deep affects of my impatience on almost every aspect of my life. I am notorious for not being able to wait in line-ups. I would throw full on fits as a kid in restaurants if the food wasn't delivered in 2 seconds. 20 odd years later and not much has changed. but it's not the surface impatience that is the killer...it's the sense in myself that I need to be in the perfect life condition now now now. I need to have some kind of comprehensive plan to fulfill all of my dreams and goals this second. I need to fix all of my weird personality quirks right away. It's only when I have completely burnt myself out by all of the self inflicted demands, that I realize that I'm doing the same thing I did in McDonald's when i was a screaming five year old and had to have that happy meal IMMEDIATELY, or else. So immature.

Sometimes I wish I were some kind of Zen master who knew how to be completely absorbed in the present. Either a Zen master or a three year old. There's got to be some kind of happy medium. Unfortunately I am one of those people Henri described - always trying to 'get away from' where I am.

Reminds me of a dream I had a dream about Henri Nouwen a couple of years ago at a particularly difficult time. He showed up in my kitchen and sat down. I remember in the dream being so relieved to see him and I remember asking him a question...something along the lines of "What should I do about this, Henri?" I remember he just looked at me smiled and shrugged his shoulders. Then I woke up.

So, this will be my mantra for the next couple of weeks until I'm out from under the haze:

Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.

Peace.
-jc

You've just lathered up and.....

2009-01-04T09:20:00.000-08:00

..the hot water runs out!!!

That is what just happened to me....actually it happened about a half hour ago. Here is how it went: I'm in the shower, soap all over me and just about to wash the conditioner out of my hair when suddenly the water becomes very very cold. I turn the water off, hoping it is some kind of weird glitch, only to eventually find myself huddled in the bathtub, clutching my knees to my chest, turning the faucet on and off frantically and praying to the shower Gods to let the hot water please come back. It was not to be....at least not yet. Before I continue, let me be clear: I have taken my fair share of cold showers and consider myself to be fairly adaptable to different or harsh environments in that department. I also fully realize that in most places in the world the idea of a hot or even warm shower is but a dream. Nevertheless, for some reason today I just could not bear it....I could not bear being under a freezing cold stream of water.

So, believe it or not, it is now 45 minutes later, the hot water has STILL not come on, and I am wrapped in 2 towels, practically dry, with soap residue encrusted in my hair and all over my body. that is the condition I am in as I am writing this. Sometimes if you don't see the humour in something you might just start crying about it....or throwing a full blown adult fit...which I almost did but then didn't. Yay me!

So for some reason, I felt inspired to blog about this. Maybe it was a good way to kill the time while waiting for the water to heat up (??!!), But i think it was more about an alternative to throwing a fit.

Happy Sunday...and may all your showers be forever hot!

Feliz Navidad!

2008-12-23T19:40:00.000-08:00

Holy COW - It's almost Christmas!!

Hard to believe that Christmas 2008 is literally around the corner. It is the evening of the 23rd and I am doing my usual procrastination. This particular time I am putting off wrapping gifts and packing up my bag for my trip to Newfoundland tomorrow. I also have a sink full of dishes to do....and clothes to fold and put away...and a floor to sweep...and garbage to put out yada yada. Yikes that all reminds me that I should probably make a "to do" list.

It is a wild, wintery wonderland out there, which is kind of nice, and somewhat problematic for those of us flying any distance. I am hoping that my flight to St. John's does indeed end up leaving tomorrow on schedule, but we shall see I guess. I'm really looking forward to seeing family in Newfoundland, and actually being there as it has been awhile for me.

Christmas has really crept up on me this year...2 days ago I was like "oh yeah, Christmas this week...weird!" There has been so much going on in my brain that Christmas didn't even have a chance. I was thinking yesterday about how this time last year I was knitting like a mad-woman. I made the reeeeeaaaally dumb decision to knit all my gifts. Christmas tip #1: Never decide to knit all your Christmas gifts a month before Christmas. Never again. All that to say that this year could not be any more different.

Last night Don and I had our own version of Christmas dinner here (with chicken instead of Turkey) which I am still full from. It was delicious....thanks to Don. While he was cooking (the entire meal - poor thing!) I was braving the crowds at the mall. Christmas tip #2: Don't ever go to the mall between 5 and 8pm on Dec.22. Never again. Anyway, after I went to the gym tonight I came back and had some of the left-over scalloped potatoes from last night. So so good. So much for working out!! We also baked cookies last night which will be my Christmas gifts this year to family and friends. I am like that one weird, ghetto relative who gives people Tupperware containers full of hard cookies, or some knitted thing for Christmas. It actually makes me laugh out loud. Another thing that makes me laugh out loud is the fact that it took 2 hours to finish baking all the cookies since I only had one tiny cookie sheet. Soooo funny.

Anyway....that's it for my rambling, random Christmas entry for this year.
For anyone who may be reading - I wish a very very Merry Christmas to you and yours....
and happy new year, too!!

See you in 2009.
-Julia

2008-11-29T16:11:00.000-08:00

Hello Ladies and Gentleman, dogs and cats...whatever.

I am back from the tropics straight into disgust-oid (yes, that IS a word I made up) land of November's cold rain, grey sky's and Ontario blah-ness. O joy. Got back about 2 weeks ago.

Axel Rose is a fool....November rain is not sweet. It is shitty.

Anyway...yet again, due to my stellar planning abilities, my life is hanging in mid-air, somewhat aimless and waiting to see a clear way ahead. Or at least a way...any kind of way. No me gusta. I have options in front of me one of which may possibly involve me going back to Costa Rica for a year, but waiting on confirmation or non-confirmation. In the meanitime I am again participating in the exciting territory of the job-search. Those of you who have been there can relate to how much of a majot pain in the ass it is. But, alas, there you have it. There are other major life decisions pending which I don't really feel at liberty to discuss on the blog, but which are life altering as well. All of this seems to be happening at the same time which requires me to have to figure out major life shite in a relatively short period of time. It's been a reeeeeally weird and disorienting 2 weeks for me to say the least. I feel like a scrambled egg right now when I need to be feeling decisive, resolute and sure..... Sunny Side UP. Heh heh. Not happening. I hated scrambled eggs as a kid. Still do. They make me want to gag.

To add to life's curve ball insanity these days, a friend of mine is also getting hitched next week, which is great, but also makes me "the last woman standing" of my closest friends. Yes, that's right, I am the very last un-married one of them. I feel like I deserve a trophy, a giant ribbon, or at least some kind of recorded applause (insert here). I imagine, within a short period of time I will be the very last child-less one of them as well. More fun times for me to look forward to. For whatever reason, at this point in time, the whole business makes me want to move to Bangladesh and never come back. And in all seriousness, I am fighting the urge to do just that...OK - maybe not Bangladesh, but some place where I can start new, where no-one knows me and I don't have to carry around the baggage of "Julia, the un-married childless one."

It's in times like these that I wish I were a man.

I also wish I were swinging in a hammock next to the Caribbean sea.

BArf.

-Julia

Still in Central America...

2008-10-25T17:07:00.000-07:00

I have been such a baaad blogger.

It is hard to believe that it is the end of October, and here I am in a teeny tiny mountain town smack dab in the middle of Costa Rica. I was actualy supposed to be back in Toronto but decided to delay my ticket for a month. So now i will be headed back up North on November 12. My connection to the internet right now is a little precarious, so this one will be short.

I have been loving my time while at the same time feelng a lot of conflict about my life. Not really wanting to come back into the high speedland. Things are so different here. So much slower and open to simple enjoyment of life. It has been difficult being the alien and suddenly I have a lot of empathy for people who come to Canada from other countries, not knowing the language and feeling very much the foreigner. Nonetheless, it is an interesting and inspireing thing being confronted with a completely different way to live. The natural beauty here shakes me everywhere I turn..although I do find myslef getting used to it.
I am now going to go out to drink muchas cervezas. Aiiiiiiie!
(Que Dios Queire.)

con carino,
julia

The view para aqui...

2008-09-17T14:38:00.001-07:00

Some random pics for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy.

Hola mi amigos!!

2008-09-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hello from Costa Rica!!!

I am currently writing you from the Spanish school in Tuis where I am taking lessons. I am in my second day of spanish school and homestay and feel like I´m in an alternate universe. Even still, I am just as in love with this place as I was the first time...and getting to know the people and the language only increases my affection for it. Speaking of affection....there is a TON of it here!! It is amazing to see how openly demonstrative people are with one another when greeting each other and relateing to each other. I can see why people here would come to Canada would think we were a bunch of cold people. With the exception of Newfoundland of course (heh heh).

My host family are incredible people and so gracious and generous it is staggering. It is a full and active house and I love playing with thier two younger sons. Marcos is 14 and Antony is 10. I have a feeling I will learn more of the language from them than almost anyone else!! They are helarious. Gattica is my host mother and also works here and the school. She is one of the hardest working people I think I have ever met. I will be staying here in Tuis with my host family for the next two weeks and I am very excited about it despite the language barrier. It defineately makes things more interesting.

Last week I stayed with April and her husband Tony. April and I took a trip to a beatiful town called ´La fortuna´ which is home to one of Costa Rica´s active volcano´s, Arenal. We stayed at an incredible resort which was quite literally at the base of the volcano!! We also went to ¨the Baldi Hot Springs" which is one of the most amazing experiences ever. I would try to explain it but it deserves it´s own entry for sure. One word: WOW.

Just a short side note that will make some of laugh quite hard: Since Tony (Aprils husband) is a personal trainer I am attending the gym regularly. Yesterday I was actually lifting wieghts with April, in a gym full of reasonably large latino men pumping major iron. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I am definately breaking new ground here. Tony is convinced that he can transform my body in as little as 15 days!! I am not so convinced...but - hey - Por que no?

I will be uploading some pictures as soon as I get a chance. Believe me when I say that you will be blown away and want to hop on the next flight here.

I´m sure there is a whole lot that I am omitting. Ah well. Stay tuned for pictures!!

Dios le Bendiga!!
hulia

ps - for those of you spellers out there, lo siento (I´m sorry), but the connection here is slow and I am not willing to wait to check! Peace!

The journey begins...

2008-08-31T10:55:00.000-07:00

Hi friends, family and random people who check my blog.
Just a note that the central American travelling will be underway in less than 24 hrs!
I will be updateing my blog periodically with updates and maybe a few pics if yer luck! ;)

So...feel free to check up.

LET THE FUN BEGIN!!!
-Julia

life in dreams

2008-08-27T20:47:00.000-07:00

I've been having dreams lately that are seeping in and through my days. They are strange dreams that carry strange feelings with them even through my waking hours. I try to shake them but to no avail. It happens often...and sometimes it's great if the dreams are good....but when they are strange it's like they cast a strange haze over everything I do and everywhere I go. It's super duper annoying. It's even more annoying when I can only remember random parts of them that have no connection with any other parts. It's like getting snippets of a full-length movie and trying really hard to piece it together without success.

Even as I write this I don't really want to go to bed because of all the weirdness I fear I will have to confront shortly. Sometimes I feel like my dream world is more real that my actual life. Which reminds me of the movie 'Waking Life' which I loved so much when I first saw it that I spent hours writing out huge chunks of the dialogue in my journal, pressing the pause button on the DVD to make sure I got every word.

I wonder if my strange dreams lately have to do with the fact that I am leaving on Monday for Costa Rica and my subconscious is preparing for the fact that I am soon to be thrown into an entirely different reality. I realize that sounds kind of Jungian and freaky, but, what can I say? I live in a rather Jungian and freaky world a lot of the time. As i think about it, I really have felt in a bit of a haze lately. The line between waking and dreaming isn't so clear. Here but not here. Nowhere land soon to be somewhere completely different land.

I really hope i get it together to do all the last minute shite I have to do tomorrow. I'll be standing in the line to renew my health card at 8am. Oh joy. Should go to bed.
peace out.

by the way

2008-08-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

Isn't this the cutest little gee-tar ya ever did see? She may not sound as sweet as she looks, but she has palm trees's, and thats what counts.

Central America Bound!!

2008-08-16T10:14:00.000-07:00

Finally, I have made a decision about travelling - headed to Costa Rica in 2 weeks time! I'll be there for a month and a half, mostly hanging out with April, learning some spanish, hanging out with the people in Tuis and doing some travelling around Costa Rica and maybe another country, time permitting. I am really looking forward to being in a totally different environment, the slower pace of life, and being able to spend some solid time with April again. The pictures are from last year when we were there for April's wedding. The picture below was taken at the pre-wedding party that April and Tony had at thier place. I will never forget the taste of those re-fried beans as long as I live! No joke! The first photo is of the village of Tuis where April works, and where we lived while we were staying in Costa Rica. It is a beautiful lush place with equally beautiful people. I am getting really excited about the trip...if a tad stressed out about stuff I need to do before I go. Yikes.

I also feel a little worried about the pile of questions that will be facing me upon my return. No steady job, a potential move lurking, and I feel kindof ruderless in terms of how I should orient my efforts when I get back. Classic "me", to be thinking about that when i am two weeks away from leaving on an extended vacation. It's ridiculous to not be living in the present, but these things are a reality nonetheless. There are, and will be, many things hanging in the balance and I hope that I am up for dealing with it all when I get back.

Anyway, thats what up with dat! Costa Rica - get ready - hulia is comin' to town. Yeee-ha!

Down the gorge...

2008-07-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

....in a tube is a true metaphor for life. That's me in the yellow helmet staring straight at the rocks I'm about to crash into. A moment after I had repelled myself from those rocks I was floating in a veritable serene paradise. Five minutes after that I was rushing down a large rapid, got thrown right off my tube into the rocks, caught in a massive current that was taking my with it and swallowing me. I thought I was going to die. Three minutes after that I was back up on my tube, bobbing down a sluggish and smooth current, observing some baby ducks, as if my near death experience a mere 5 seconds earlier had never even happened! A version of this pattern repeated itself many times over, as we were floating down the Elora Gorge in our tubes. I also got stuck in many a side pool, my big tube literally pushed outside of the current and spinning me in circles - not moving even an inch forward. Numerous times I had to get someone else to pull me back into the current.

It was a few weeks ago now that I went tubing down the Elora gorge with Kate Rob and Don, but i started to think about it again recently. The times of sweet serenity in life seem to be so quickly and almost rudely interrupted by "life"...either pushing me outside the current that I find myself spinning and spinning in circles, or throwing me around so that I can barely breath and feel like the end is just around the corner...but no, around the corner is bliss and ducks...until the next thing gets thrown at me. Lately I can most relate to the 'spinning in circles' - not being able to get anywhere despite all my efforts, and watching everyone else pass by at an enjoyable pace, in their tubes, bobbing along and loving life.

So that's it for the cheesy life metaphor. You can breathe a sigh of relief. Until I find some other random thing to compare to life.

So my summer has been ambling along slowly. I decided to stop panicking about the fact that I have no idea where to travel and my life feels like it's hanging in a giant balance. I decided to just try and enjoy my summer and not put any more pressure on myself to have anything "figured out". It's a hard thing for me not to get anxious....I think it's a genetic thing passed down to me from generations of sea people wringing their hands while looking out to sea and always waiting for a boat to come in. That's my half-baked theory. Anyway, I digress. It's summer, and it's great as every morning I think about getting up and the panicky feeling starts to rise, somehow, It just fades away, during the making of a smoothie, and I end of enjoying my days - more or less. It's like an art, learning how to ride the tension. Surprisingly, I've been enjoying the Toronto Summer, when I've been there. It's nice to feel like a tourist in the city, and not be bogged down by work stresses. It's so fun to be free to go wherever I want, whenever I want! A beautiful feeling. I've been loving Dufferin Grove Park, the Harborfront festivals, the Lakeshore, Toronto Island, and cruising around on my bike checking out my favorite city spots....oh - and drinking Heineken in Christie Pitts - so fun!!!

I also spent a little over 2 weeks in Ottawa, taking in the jazz festival which was amazing, and just hanging out with family and checking out the old stomping grounds. It was good times.
I'm writing this from the farm in Guelph, after spending the weekend with Don's family. Next weekend I'll be back to go to the Hillside Festival. More good music. Yay.

Hope everyone has been enjoying the summmmmmmer.
Peaceo.

City Mouse...

2008-06-25T21:23:00.000-07:00

Sooooooo,

I am again back in Toronto after being in Elora and Guelph again over the past 5 days. I have been back for approximately 7 hours and will be re-packing my bags and headed back on the greyhound bound for Ottawa tomorrow morning for another week or more to hang with my parents and take in some Jazz festival. I am almost dizzy from all this back and forth and whizzing around! I am very excited to hear Chick Corea for the first time live, and also Brad Meldau (for the second time)!!! Amazing that I will be hearing these two people live within the SAME WEEK! Wow. I'm pumped.

As could have been predicted, I have been thinking way to much about the country vs city thing over the past month or so, since I have been spending a lot of time on the farm and in (and around) Guelph. As soon as I start to visualize myself actually living in the country, or even in a smallish town the panic sets in and I start thinking thoughts such as this one: "How the heck do you think a city girl like yourself will hack it out here in the middle of winter, or any time of the year, for that matter, when you can't just hop on a street-car and head to your favorite sushi place?! Do you really think you will get busy canning pickles or darning socks or forming a quilting bee?! Get real!!"
And I have to give that thought some serious cred. It's true that I have become so accustomed to the excess of city living that I don't think I am even fully aware of how dependant I am on the little things - that actually end up amounting to a lot. Here is why I am the ultimate city person:

-I have early memories of sitting on benches in the middle of the busiest sections of the the city with my mom, eating ice cream, and making up scenarios about the lives of all the people rushing by. It is one of my favorite young memories.

-I am 32 years of age (deep breath) and do not have a drivers licence. Yes, this means that I have relied on public transit my entire life. I am slightly proud of myself for this (much to my family's bewilderment) ...but the only way I could have done this is by living in a place big enough to sustain a working transit system. Yup, you got it: a CITY.

-I have actual dreams about Istanbul and New York.

-I started eating Donair's, Fallafel's, jamaican patties, Gnocci's with Pesto, Poutine (god help me), and Shwarma's when I was still in grade school. I am not Greek or Lebanese or Italian. I thought that people who had never tasted hummus were totally weird.

-For most of my life, up until my recent burn-out from working at a homeless shelter, one of my favorite things to do was to head downtown and chat up the panhandlers.....not so much anymore. (understatement).

-I spent 3 weeks deeply exploring the city of Paris, France and felt I had only just skimmed over the top. And for a person like myself, I was probably right.

-I like to walk or bike down some city streets with no place to go or no goal in mind...just cause. This remains one of my favorite pastimes. I was under the impression that most people enjoyed doing this...and have recently learned this is not the case.

-I spend a fairly large chunk of my life in various coffee shops. I like my Americano long. The people at the Portuguese bakery know my "thing" for custard tarts. Yikes.

-If I wanted to I could go for weeks without doing groceries. Especially if I hit up China town on a regular basis. Ye-eah!

-When I am bored I window shop...really that only means looking in store windows and rarely walk in them. I like to do it at a fairly fast pace.

-I can maneuver my way through a giant crowd on a busy sidewalk like nobody's business. Seriously. I should probably be ashamed, but I secretly think it's pretty cool.

I'm on a roll with this list, and could go on and on but I'll cut it there before I really disgrace myself. Actually, it's not even that I see these things as bad, necessarily. They are the fabric of my life and I love many, even most, aspects of my life in cities. I feel that the city has been the teacher of my most valuable life lessons. City's are so messy, and busy and scary and lovely and gritty all at once. Cities are white lights at night, and music, and food smells, dancing and sadness and crowds.....

Cities are....sitting under a tree watching a little girl chasing a red balloon in the park
hearing the street car bell, seeing the tennis ball crack against the racket while eating Roti and squinting into the sun.

Cities are beautiful.

Can this city person try another way?
Stay tuned....

Yours to Discover

2008-06-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

Back in the blogosphere.
Back in the smogosphere.

Back from 10 + days wandering around southern Ontario. I have been in Guelph, Kitchener, Wingham, Lucknow, Goderich and a few little towns in between!

Actually most of those days were spent on Ignatius CSA organic farm just out side of Guelph - visiting Don who is an intern there. I have been officially done work for a month and a day and finally, my nerves are beginning to settle a bit. I think 10 days in the country helped out with the "unwinding". I have to say I felt a certain amount of guilt as I was lazing around, swinging in hammocks, reading, taking leisurely walks in the fields, picking wild flowers, while Don and the other interns were slaving away in the fields all days squashing potato bugs, weeding, planting and sweating.

Last weekend we headed to Guelph Lake and watched the dragon boat races and splashed around in the water a bit. We headed into town and went to our favorite store called "the family store" which is the wackiest sally-annish used "stuff" store I've ever been in. It has everything from stuffed, mounted animals to old baseball cards to live budgies for sale...the place has everything weird and wild. They even host bands there, too! Love it. We stopped in at the Albion one evening and drank too much beer after eating too much ice cream and then had a harrowing bike ride back to the farm...I had to squint to see the white line...thanks to the moonlight we made it back without any damage!

Guelph is steadily growing on me. It is small but but lovely with a little grit and a lot of heart. It feels more and more like a refreshing alternative to big city living. Toronto, I am realizing, often makes me feel all clenched up and tight - in mind and body. I have started to accept the fact that i need space both literally and figuratively. I see the truth of my 'slow-ness' more and more. I'm starting to see that maybe it is not the bad thing i have always thought it was.

I made a trip to Kitchener to visit the Halls which was great fun. I got to see little Kathryn graduate from her swimming group "Sea Turtles". She will become a "Salamander" next and is super pumped.. I also got to see Simeon in the early stages of walking!!! He looks like a little
e-wok....super cute.

I went from Kitchener back to Guelph and then we drove out to Wingham to attend the wedding of don's family friend. The ceremony was on one of the most beautiful farms I have ever been on. The Farm house built on a hill over looking rolling green hills as far as the eye can see. I walked through grass up to my waist and stood looking over the grazing sheep and the ocean of rolling green....it literally took my breath away.

On Sunday I helped Don and Carol hoe her garden (which is huge!) and we drove out to Goderich with Don's folks and spent the afternoon at the beach next to the salt mine. The waterfront is on lake Huron and is a really beautiful spot where they have built a long boardwalk along the beach. Don and I drove back to Guelph in the evening surrounded by lightning storms on either side of us!

This morning i got on the bus back to the city at 7am! Feel a little bit of trepidation upon entering back into the city...but looking forward to future travelling adventures! I think I am ready to tackle Ireland, Germany, Turkey...i think!

I'll update my plans on that front...

And there ends Julia's Ontario adventures (for now).
Peace OUt!

songs and things....

2008-04-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

lyrics to a new song. Voila.

-----------------------------------------------------
Have you grown tired
of living in tight and tiny spaces?
It's been some years
of putting on tough and fighting faces.

I did not want to talk about it
I did not mean to sing about this
But maybe it's time for giving in a very different way
maybe it's time for giving in a very different way

And can you hear the silent longing
emanating out from all things?
It says:
"You can do anything you want....you can do anything you want."

Can you look out
and see the way the wind blows through the grasses?
Now is your chance
to run out there and play before it passes.

And i did not want to talk about it
I did not mean to sing about this
But maybe it's time for living in a very different way

And can you hear the silent longings
emanating out from every single thing
It says:
"You can do anything you want....you can do anything that you want."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this 2 days ago. It just slipped right out of me and it was nice to have written a new song on the guitar. I've been a little (maybe more than a little) preoccupied with my accordion as of late, which has been so great, but it's good not to be neglecting the guitar altogether. I feel like it is a song sung by me - for me, as I am right on the cusp of leaving the shelter and embarking on travelling and doing...um...stuff?? It is a strange feeling - this in between-what-the-heck-will-i-do-next feeling, but I do feel ready for it.

And speaking of new adventures, Don left for his farming internship in Guelph a few hours ago. I feel like i'm floating on the surface of a big sadness...but it's not like we won't be seeing each other often. I think I'm a bit nervous about the potential loneliness of being in the city and not having his constant steady companionship....and all of the uncertainty of what the future will bring....it's a lot. I imagine I will become a crazy accordion geek and drive the whole neighborhood completely insane with all my jigs'n'reels. Ah well. They'll survive!

And I'll leave it at that.

Barbara - Benny's sister

2008-03-28T16:52:00.000-07:00

Yes - would love to connect
my email: julerific@hotmail.com
Drop me a line.

major blog/life overload!

2008-03-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

Holy Crap!!

I just did a bit of a stupid thing and decided to read all (almost) of my blog entries from 2005 till now!!! Wowsers!! In retrospect probably not the smartest thing to do - when I'm already super tired and need sleep.

A harsh reminder of what a crazy and unbelievably intense 3 years it's been for me. I almost forgot....but not quite. It's weird, but right now I have this bizarre feeling.... like - I really wish that I could stand outside of myself and give myself a hug....for all the shit i went through with the crrrazy community and all of that madness and feeling like the most alone person on the face of the planet. O - so so much pain. I wish I could give my self a hug that says "i'm sorry...and I understand..and it wasn't your fault...you did your very best". I think mainly because I am the only person able to do that. That's a totally weird thought. Maybe that's the way it is with the really painful things that forever change you....that sense that in some ways we all bear certain types of pain and hurt alone. It's odd to feel actual compassion for one's own self. I think that is what I felt after reading all of it...not self pity...but real compassion - as if i were reading about Someone else and not me. I think that may be a first!

I think I got hooked on reading by how crazy things got. Kindof like those reality shows that you know are going really wrong or will end up really badly...but you just can't tear yourself away. It's also weird, as the whole community experience has been coming up a lot lately, totally independent of my bringing it up (generally, i don't like to think too much about it). The other weird thing is that I actually ran into a member today at the coffee shop. Bizarre.

I'm beginning to wonder if it's time to start "unpacking" it...or something. (??)

Or not.

btw - if there are any readers out there anymore...it's not all bad...don;t let this post scare you...some of it was so funny I was laughing out loud quite hard. Especially the part about 'Jesus drinking gin out of the cat dish' because of all the 'fucking hypocrites'. yeah - quite a bit of profanity over a certain span of time...but really really funny in parts. At least I thought so...but I did write it...Ok - now i sound like a complete weirdo. Awesome.

It's late. I'm bombed.

g'night.

the eve of Easter Sunday

2008-03-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

It is the Saturday night before the day Christians celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

I have always identified closely with the Saturday of Easter more than the extreme sorrow of good Friday or the extreme joy of Easter Sunday. It was the day of Jesus in the grave....in the dark...in the silence...covered and shrouded and...dead. It sound a bit macabre...but this day seems most symbolic of my constant struggle with things of faith and of God. Most of the time it has been a blind groping in the dark. Most of the time it has been struggling with a silent God. Most of the time it has been completely shrouded and covered in many things, both from within and out. If i were to be completely honest this is how it has been, for the most part. I can relate to this part of the Easter story.

Jesus in the grave: hanging in the infinitesimally fine balance between certainties.

I can understand that. Because that is what most of life is, i think. At least, that is what mine has been. It is the place of ultimate unknowing and vulnerability. This is what is completely real and not illusory. This I know to be a major part of my life and spirituality. God in the grave....in the very middle....carrying the tension of all the inbetween places of the world, and of the deepest caverns of the human heart.

So - I want to keep vigil for this Jesus. Just as he, in his dark grave is attending to my most hidden vulnerabilities and holding them steady...in divine resignation. I'm not afraid of this resignation - because by it and through it there can come a transformation of sorts. Maybe, a slow movement from illusions to reality, at it's most stark and beautiful. A slow movement towards acceptance of myself, and all the things I will never know or understand about God.

A movement....
A way opening...
A stone rolling away.

Malade d'etre malade....

2008-02-21T15:48:00.000-08:00

ooooohhh la la la la la la.........Rhume.

Ce n'est pas agreable. Pas du tout.

I can't find the accents on my anglophone laptop. I'm not even sure if they even exist on it. It doesn't look like it. Stupid english goons. (it's just a joke...c'est un blague.)

So - yes - sick again. I feel that ever since coming back from Christmas holidays I've been battling some kind of sickness...whether it be various forms of the stomach flu, the common cold, coughs, flu, weird rashes......and it's been 2 flipping months already! Arg!

Il devient tres ennuie.

Oh Spring...please come quickly. I need to see green growing things again.

I wonder how long i will be trapped in sick modes....like my body is running behind the pack always trying to catch up. Maybe I just need to let it be. I hate being slow sometimes...it can be so frustrating.

Which reminds me of something I read today. I've been thinking about our society's rushing and relentless need to be in competition with each other. This reading gave the example of of a Jesuit priest who was in France one summer working with the L'Arche community (a community that cares for and lives with people who have developmental disabilities). One afternoon he was helping some of the community members train for the Special Olympics: I'll quote from it directly:

"Claude was having a great time fooling around instead of trying to improve his running ability. Doug, losing his patience, scolded him saying, 'Claude, if you don't smarten up even Jean-Pierre is going to beat you!' Jean-Pierre, being very spastic, could hardly walk, let alone run. Claude lit up with a great smile and said, 'Wouldn't it be great if Jean-Pierre won!' "
-Excerpt taken from 'Enough Room for Joy - The Early days of L'Arche'
Bill Clarke SJ

There was something about reading that today that both pierced me and freed me simultaneously....if that's possible. I wish so badly I were that free from the need to compete. I wish I were that open and unaffected and loving. I wish I were that free from the Subtle vindictiveness that can creep in when we see others win...in whatever way. God, help me. I can be such a worm.

Reading that also made me feel that maybe it's okay to be sick and unproductive this week. Maybe I don't need to panic that I'm falling behind in the big, bad, crazy, rolling world out there.

So that's what goin' on.

peace -jc

a letter at 10:20pm on a Saturday night...

2008-02-16T19:19:00.000-08:00

I write this to you on my new (used) lap top. I feel so special.

I'm sipping camomile tea with honey. I'm listening to blues on CBC radio. It's surprisingly good. Really good, actually...I gotta find out who this guy is.
I am having a very quiet Saturday night. I'm not minding it much. I have spent the evening cleaning my apartment....as it was messy messy messy from the previous week. Piles of dishes in the sink. Then I had a bath. I'm looking fantastic right now in a lot of pink flannel (that was sarcasm, incase you were wondering). I was thinking of cooking a fantastic meal for myself....but then I got too tired. I never ate actually. Nope, thats not true - I had a bowl of yogurt! Dinner of champions. This must be so thrilling for you.

I wonder what fun things you are up to tonight.

I took a long walk throught High Park today. It was nice...so bright. There was silence there, too. So much snow i wanted to jump around in. But didnt. I probably should have. There were a lot of dogs out having a blast. One too many with a fancy coat on, though. Some of them were actually better dressed than I was. The scary thing is that I'm not even joking. It was a little wierd. On my way out of a coffee shop on Bloor West where one little guy was tied up looking very 'northface' I whispered to him, "hey buddy, you look good, but don't you feel like you've lost some of your doggy dignity?" He looked at me with sad eyes. I think he was saying yes.

Guess what? My sister had a baby boy yesterday. The day after Valentines day. Not sure what his name is yet. I think they are still deciding. I hope he enjoys these day of being nameless...there is something so fresh and inviting about the idea.

I'm thinking of calling the EP 'lighthouse of dreams'. Did I ever tell you about my dream of spending half a year in a lighthouse?

So here is a poem/quote I read today that I thought you might enjoy:

Stillness is what

creates Love

Movement is what

creates Life

To be still -

Yet still moving

That is everything.

-Do Hyun Cho

I hope you are well.

Much Love,

-Julia

It's very important to...

2008-01-12T17:58:00.000-08:00

"...Keep the rock rollin'."
yeah.

a year in review..

2008-01-10T14:15:00.002-08:00

Well,

It's early 2008 so I thought - what the hell - maybe I'll post something.
Last year kicked off with a bit of a rough start - much change, uncertainty and exhaustion ...but 2007 blossomed into a restful. lovely and sometimes surprising one. I'm very grateful for it.

Some highlights big and small (mostly small) - in no specific order:

my first solo apartment (the hobbit hole) in the big city
my first herb garden.
many a custard tart enjoyed with Elly while living on Beatrice
a new set of non stick pots and pans from the folks
a great b-day with Krissy and really good sushi and a day on the island...turning 31 lost it's sting...
some fun gigs with Max - and singing with Anna...and Joe
cooking soup, soup and more soup. I looooooove making soup....
weekends in Wingham with Don and the Bowyers
Don - and his constant loving, grounding presence in my life
august trip to Newfoundland with my family, aunts, uncles and cousins - pilgrimage to "the Cape"
my grandfathers accordian made new (which I'm yet to learn how to play)
peaceful spring afternoons, alone with a coffee on Roncessvalles
Aprils October wedding in Costa Rica...and experiencing the beauty of Costa Rica...it deserves it's own highlight list
weekend of silent retreat in Arnprior
Don and Chris's new pad
meetings with Max
reading Kahlil Gibran for the first time
Poppy's beautiful funeral in March - Newfoundland
Easter weekend in Shells apartment
FACEBOOK
my ghetto keyboard!
tobogganing with Don, Shelley and Altin at Christie pits
weekend in July touring TO with mom (visual image of mom walking in china town while sipping from a coconut and carrying a little chinese umbrella to shade her and trying to carry a ton of bags at the same time...very funny)
hearing Oliver Schroer's 'Camino' for the first time
day trips outta the city with Elly and her 'wheels'
Kate and her sweet baby boy Simeon - "chill baby"
Dad's 60th
Spa days with Shell
the kiddie pool in Kitchener with Kate and the kids
Aprils August visit before really moving to Central America (!)- her wedding shower - going dress shopping - marvelling at the mytery of life and it's changes
camping trips with D...drunken teenage boys pukeing next to us!
Elly's booth at the Toronto Outdoor - and hoodies hoodies hoodies - and DAILY coffee breaks at the G-way.....eeeeevil starbucks makes me feel so gooooood.....
beers at the Gem with some of the Gateway gang
Summer trips to Wards island beach
many post-work evenings with CBC radio and a cup of tea....thank you CBC for your constant companionship...
learning Kodaly at the Royal Conservatory of Music...I never thought I'd love school again!
Don's brothers wedding in London
drinking wine at Dufferin Grove park....drinking coffee at Duffering grove park...going to the Dufferin grove market....D's cob at Dufferin Grove...skating at Dufferin Grove ...you get the point
I learned to run!! I can run 7K!! it's a miracle.
Finishing the EP. FINALLY! Thank you DOUG
Knitting, knitting and more knitting
Making Christmas Chutney...mmm mmm good
new years Fire Works in Ottawa with Ma and Pa from the Westin window. Breathtaking....
Handels 'Messiah' at Roy Thompson with Don...such a perfect and beautiful way to cap off the year. I won't soon forget that performance.

I didn't expect this list to be so long....and it could be so much longer...so many moments. And it's all about the moment, i think. Looking over this list...i think that it's actually true...the moment is all we have. That list also reminds me of highschool year book write ups. creepy.

On a side note...It occurs to me I should write a 'favorite music of 2007' list....as if we havent had our fill of "lists". But there are a few gems....that will be for another post.

Anyway. Thats all she wrote. Good-bye 2007. Thanks for everything.

-hulio

Freedom from choice...

2007-10-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

....would be nice.

We don't have a lot of that kind of freedom here in the big smoke. Freedom from choice. Evem just writing down the words makes me feel a little less heavy....

I was walking throught the Eatons Centre today, briefly, and was floored by the place. It doesnt matter how often I go in there...I still feel like it's so wierd how we are constantly surrounded and bombarded by images/words/people/giant billboards/t-shirts telling us how we should look and what we should buy and who we should befriend and what we should eat and how we should smell and and and and. It's friggin overwhelming. Sometimes I wonder if the idea of choice has gotten way out of hand for us in North America. I feel like it's one of the plagues. Instead of locusts we have 10 by 10 foot glossy's of a photo-shopped, airbrushed, collagen filled woman with pursed lips and a 'come hither' stare - everywhere you turn. It's as if they are magical, multiplying billboards. There is no escape from it. And all I went in there for was a coffee. It's so fucked up. Or maybe I'm the one who doesnt get it....it's so hard to tell sometimes in this culture of more, give me more, give me more. I sometimes feel like an alien. The only thing I want more of is custard tarts...mmm....custard tarts...yummmmy..

On a better and complete opposite note, I bumped into a resident today who isnt currently staying at the shelter but who is one of our regular "community members" (thats politically correct social jusitce speak for "guys who regularly stay at the homeless shelter"). The last time I saw him he was being restricted and was in rough, rough shape. He was emotionally, physically and mentally distraught. This is not unusual for him, and even when he gets super irate, he wouldnt hurt a fly.....althgouh he likes to direct his anger at inanimate objects.....like chairs, tables, chess sets, hamburgers, plates of spaghetti....you get the drift. Sometimes it's quite helarious, if somewhat annoying. Anyway, he was actually looking really good (not to the men in suits who walked by us). He seemed really stable as well. He told me he's been at the good shepherd and going regularly to his anger management program - only 4 weeks to go. I told him I thought that was awesome, and was relieved he wasnt throwing hambugers around anymore - and he actually laughed. Then I started laughinhg harder and we actually laughed quite hard together....and it was a really really good moment. It was so good to have a conversation with him outside of work and see him somewhat happy...smiling and laughing even! I needed to see that today. I'm really glad I saw him.

I suppose it's true, and can be said, that maybe a guy like the one I was just talking about does need more freedom of choice as opposed to less. And he probably won;t ever be presented with the choices he badly needs. I, on the other hand, have choices coming out the wazoo that threaten to drown my peace of mind and distract me from things that really matter. It's so confuseing. I have choice but wish I didnt have so much of it. He has little choice (from his community/culture/world) but probably would give anything to have more choices than the meager ones he is presented with. I guess it's an age old problem....but no less baffleing. If only we could even the scales...or spread the resources...or at least cut down on those obnoxious billboards downtown...at least. I'm the last person who wants to grand-stand, or preach or tell people how i think they should or should not live...but seriously...do we really need so many useless billboards on everything?? Hmmm...I don't know how this turned into a rant about billboards. Ah well.

word. -jc

the ordinary and the wonderous...

2007-07-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

the ordinariness of this day shines brilliantly...

amid rosemary plants lined up neatly in pots at the corner of this street and that street.

the July afternoon is littered with wooden boxes of orange-red peaches and ripe pears. sparrows settle on black fences and stare curiously at me with tilted heads...before flitting off to the top of street signs to watch streetcars and strollers roll past.

the ordinary turns extra ordinary...

with a stack of books lying on the steel coffee table. chipping, royal blue paint. cigarette smoke winds it's way slowly up to the overhanging tree branches until it stays, suspended, in the thick summer city air.

old mufflers chortle in beat up cars, while a bearded vagabond stoops to pick up a cigarette butt from the creases of the sidewalk. he slowly lifts his leathery face up towards the sun....his eyes squinting, fiercely, as if confused that it should be there at all.
a postman's truck pulls hurriedly up at the cafe...it's red paint shines like a brand new toy.
a grandmother laughs with her little cherub baby.
a graceful, willowy brunette strides by with nose planted in book.
a hydro worker yells at his co-worker that he needs a "6 FOOTER".

then the wind picks up and the trees begin to sway....

a wondrous and ordinary day.

Introducing my God daughter

2007-05-04T20:28:00.000-07:00

Kadence White! Her before and after pics. She's all 'growed' up.

and sooo pretty in pink.

last week at the shelter...

2007-04-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

was a hard week.

I guess I just wanted to write about it here. I actually wrote about it in a letter to a friend (yes - the old fashioned kind that you put in one of those red boxes!) and i thought i would give it voice....because I have this weird theory that sometimes is can be good to remember the hard weeks.

Sometimes being at the shelter can feel like a boulder has landed on your heart....like last week. Some of it is a vague feeling of sadness that you can;t quite put your finger on - and some of it is obvious and poignant. In any case...here are some snap shots of last week in the shelter.

****************

Benny Zilber died.

It's a weird thing, but death where i work is part of the package. You become oddly accustomed to it - or numbed by it - or something. I can't say that i have come to the point where i am completely numbed by it...but it is a bizarre and weird thing to have to get used to it on some level. Benny's death was a bit of a hard hitter. He was one of the first guys I remember when i started working. I remember feeling especially comfortable around him....he had an easy presence. He was quiet, kind, intelligent and very courteous. He was one of the guys I looked forward to seeing and having small conversations with....the weather, crosswords, food. I remember feeling a bit sad when he found housing, although i was happy for him of course....

It's so strange when I heard about it...I think some residents came to the desk and told me...and then we received an email about it...and then suddenly 3 people were at the desk asking me for something or other...and that was it. No time to pause, feel, grieve. Someone else needed my time right away....it went something like this:

In my head - "Woah. Benny died. Benny....is...dead."

Guy at the desk - "Hey Julia, when is my restriction up?"

Guy #2 at the desk - "Hey Julia, I need to make an appointment with ____ right NOW"

Guy#3 at the desk- "Hey Julia can I get a bag lunch?"

In my head - "Benny...reading papers at the sunny table...taped glasses...dead."

Guys at the desk - "HEY Julia..."

Me - "OK - one at a time..."

And Bennys death gets filed away with the countless other events that i don't have the time or luxury of processing. So here's me meager.."good-bye Benny Zilber. You'll be missed."

*****************

Mr X isnt eating. I begin to notice it. Mr X is clearly very very ill. Mr. X doesn't speak english at all. Mr X plays with his pendant that he keeps in his left pocket much of the time. He is small and slight and stays out of every ones way. He likes to sit near me though when I am in the drop-in. He likes to watch me with my puzzle. He reminds me of a small, silent child. He wears a house-coat that he found in the clothing room...he's been wearing it for a week...very proudly. He often leaves me a cigarette...silently...places one in front of me...and smiles. I tell him I can;t take it...but I do anyway and throw it out later. Like I said...Mr.X is sick. But he doesn't like hospitals, or the people who work there. I can't say that I blame him. I don;t like hospitals either. he has a communicable disease, they say, and must go....he leaves with people escorting him out. He flashes a glance my way. Terror on his face. It looks like they are carting a child away.

I go out for a cigarette and try and think of something else.

******************

We have a resident right now who annoys the heck out of me (one of them anyhow!). He tries so hard to be good, and right, and on my side....sometimes I feel like the biggest bitch in the universe...cause he still drives me nutz! Something happened with him last week that shocked me out of my annoyance - for a brief moment at least...

It was after a very very hectic afternoon. I was flustered at the front desk...and tired. 'Enter" Mr.A (for annoying). He comes bouncing in and cheery and yammering away about something - I'm not sure because I was kind of tuned out. Then he says this "By the way...Thank you."

I snap back distractedly, "For WHAT?"

Then he does something that floors me...he looks at me for a minute, smiles a huge grin, spreads his hands out as if he were Merlin the magician and says, "For Everything", as if I should have already guessed.

This may sound weird but it completely undid me. As he was bouncing off, I had to fight back a torrent of tears. And I was totally weirded out by my reaction to it. It was like Mr.A melted a black heart in that instant...as cheesy as that sounds...it was like hearing the word 'Thankyou", genuinely expressed, unfroze all the forced "coping" I can do in this place.... very few people ever say it. Because they are so desperate and needy and sad and fuckedup on crack or booze or their own mental illnesses or what-have -you...they don't have time for 'thankyous'. But Mr A did...of all people. I don't find him as annoying anymore.

********************

Miss Lonely showed up a half hour before quitting time. She was dropped off by 2 contentious citizens who found her on a corner...no idea where she was, no i.d, no belongings, just the clothes on her back. she said she got dropped off by a bus. Didn't look especially "street" or dishevelled...just normal jeans and T-shirt. She could not remember where she came from. I asked her for her name. Blank stare. I ask again. Blank stare. Finally she got it out. I ask her how I could help her...she told me that she'd been wanting to kill herself all day and it was driving her 'up the wall'. She stated it very simply as if she was used to it. every now and then she muttered something, then looked at me and apologized, "sorry - it's the voices". We decided to go to the hospital emerg and I hoped that it would be quiet so that she could get help fast - before she really had the opportunity to kill herself....it seemed to me like a very real possibility. I walked in with her and it was packed - wall to wall people....sick people, coughing people, ranting people...lots of people. I couldn't stay long...so I asked her...no I pleaded with her not to leave until someone saw her. She looked lost. But she agreed to stay. She asks me to stay. I told her that I really wanted to but that I had to go back to work. I walked away with a rock in the pit of my stomach. Cold evening....soon quitting time.

************************

A few of last weeks events...out of many many many many many.

Never ending.

I'm glad to have written out.

little less heavy maybe. All the things we never talk about....

Some time I'll write about the happy or funny things that happen...which are also many many many many.

Peace OUt -j

Springtime in the city...

2007-04-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

Spring has arrived!

I am looking forward to (yet another) move as of the middle of May.....
I found a very nice apartment here in TO - all to myself!! After thinking about "next steps" post community living made the decision to continue working at the shelter here in Toronto for the time being, and try and find a home of my own, and live as "normal" of a life as I possibly can right now! I am looking forward to setting up my own little home, and staying put in one locale for one year at least. It will be nice to get reacquainted with myself after a very hectic couple of years, and have a space to just 'be'. It will be the first time I've lived alone in over 4 years - since Ottawa! I think it will be a neat experience to live by myself in the big city! It would have scared me 3 years ago - but I'm primed and ready....and even researching house plants!

I am still working full-time at the shelter and it has settled down quite a bit since the weather has warmed up.....very relaxed as the residents are out and about enjoying the sun. A welcome change, for sure!

I'm also in the market for a new bike, a keyboard and a double futon (frame and mattress). If any reader lives in Toronto and wants to get rid of any of these items let me know!!

I have some gigs lined up for the spring as well. It will be good to be playing more again after a long hiatus. It is a bit nerve wracking playing in front of an audience again...as i feel very rusty....but am hoping to be doing a lot more of it...and finally finishing the EP! For a sample check here
(under Julia Churchill)

Thats it for now!
peace,
-Julia

In memory...

2007-04-03T15:50:00.000-07:00

Hi there cyber space world.

My Poppy, Jack (John) Vincent, died at the age of 91 on Monday March 19 in St. John's Newfoundland. It was a sad day for me. I just recently got back after having gone down for his funeral. I have always been very inspired by Poppy. I loved him very much. I wrote this poem during my trip, about Newfoundland, my grandparents, their history, my childhood and the feeling I have every time I go there....the very vital attachment I feel towards the land. So here it is:

for Jack and Nellie...

Many stories have been told
Most of which I've never known,
But i can feel them growing stronger in the marrow of my soul.
The legends wait and whisper in the ancient parts of me -
On the island,
On the island of my birth.

My Poppy had a fighter's heart,
and Nanny's was the same.
Their years were etched in rock and sand; through mists and driving rain.
An ocean held their deepest love and loneliness and pain -
On the island,
On the island of my dreams.

But I was just a small bird in the sky of such a place,
And yet it lit the passion of my tiny heart ablaze -
The day I set my eyes upon the face of Mother Sea,
It was the home,
It was the home inside my heart.

Shining days like crystals dropped upon a childhood land.
The moon, reflected on the deep, would take me by the hand,
And lead me to a silence where the beauty gently sang -
It was the magic,
It was the magic of my youth.

The bluest eye I've ever seen has rested on me here,
I can see myself inside it; I've inherited that stare,
Of worlds within the worlds of deepest blue and salted air,
Upon the island,
On the island of my birth.
---------------------------------------------------------the end.

Skates...

2007-03-01T12:20:00.000-08:00

I'm looking out my parents window onto the Rideau Canal - it's a skating wonderland out there.

I arrived in Ottawa today around noon.

I will put on my skates today and sail away.

Truthfully - they are not my skates...they are my moms. Who knows where my skates are. Probably buried amongst a mountain of other childhood/adolescent memory's.

I remember skating down the canal as a kid, eating beavertails and singing "A Bicycle Built for 2" at the top of my lungs.....just to see my breath....and I remember having skating races with my Dad and other neighbors who we used to go with. My ankles were never strong enough...but skating at it's best always felt a bit like what flying might feel like.

Flying on the ground.

Gotta fly....see ya.
-Julia

Update on my life - Fat Tuesday

2007-02-20T10:44:00.000-08:00

Hi there friends and strangers,

It's been awhile since I have written about my life...thought I would give an update. Especially given the sheer madness of the previous months... I always feel a little uncomfortable writing about my life...mostly because there are so many more interesting things to be writing about. I guess thats the wierd thing about blogging in general.

Anyhow - a fresh chapter is beginning and a lot is changeing and shifting right now. I think it may be time to bite the bullet and clear the blogger slate...so here is the dealio:

I moved out of Zacchaeus House - Toronto Catholic Worker - as of January 1 of this year. I finally made the decsion to move as of late November. It was not an easy decision for me...but it is nice to be out of what became, in the end, very very difficult (as some of my previous blogs will attest).

I have moved in with friend (and co-worker) Elly Green. Living the high life on College and Beatrice. Little Italy is a far cry from Parkdale. I do miss Parkdale very very much. It is my home in Toronto - that is for sure. But it's been good to have a break...if a little dis-orienting.

Since leaving the CW I have been working full-time front-line at the Gateway - shelter for homeless men in Toronto. I have been working there for a year and a half - but took on full-time when I left the worker. I enjoy the work...but it has taken a big mental/emotional toll over the past while. I have strong urges to retreat to a place where I only have to take care of myself.

I feel that I have learned more in the last year and a half than I have learned in all of my life thus far. No jokes. I figure that is a good thing...if overwhelming - power packed, man!!!. Right now I am seeking a way of simplicity...and un-complication (is that a word?). I also feel, in an effort to begin to process my experiences living in intense community, and living/working with the marginalized of Toronto, I would like to start writing more about the expereince and what I have gone through, and how it has changed my life and my evolveing thoughts on community and it's major impact on our increasingly individualized and isolateing society. But it is so much I barely know where to start.

So I won't right now. But I will be useing this blog as a processing tool over the next while. I also want to say thanks to those of you who have been praying with and for me over the past months. It has been a rough go - and I am thankful for those of you (known and unknown) who have helped me through it in some way. (Are we ever really "through it" I wonder?)

Until next time,
Namaste,
-Julia

Hafiz

2007-02-13T14:16:00.000-08:00

My Sweet Crushed Angel

You have not danced so badly, my dear,

trying to hold hands with the Beautiful One.

You have waltzed with great style, my sweet, crushed angel,

to have ever neared Gods heart at all.

Our partner is notoriously difficult to follow,
And even his best musicians are not always easy to hear.

So what if the music has stopped for awhile.

So what
if the price of admision to the Divine is out of reach tonight.

So what, my Dear,
if you do not have the ante to gamble for real love.

The mind and body are famous for holding the heart ransom,

But Hafiz knows the Beloved eternal habits.
For He will not be able to resist your longing for long.

You have not danced so badly, my dear,
Trying to kiss the Beautiful One

You have actually waltzed with tremendous style,
O my sweet,
Crushed Angel.

Have Patience,
For He will not be able to resist your longing for long.

You have not danced so badly, my dear,
Trying to kiss the Beautiful One

You have actually waltzed with tremendous style,
O my sweet,
Crushed Angel.

-Hafiz c. 1320-1389

Breathe Deep...

2006-12-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

Poloticians, morticians, philistines, homophobes,
Skinheads, dead heads, tax evaders, street kids
Alchoholics, workaholics, wise guys, dim-wits,
Blue Collars, white collars, war mongers, peace nicks

Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God

Suicidals, rock idols, shut-ins, drop-outs
Friendless, homeless, penniliess and depressed
Presidents, residents, foreigners and aliens
Dissidents, feminists, xenophobes and chauvenists

Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God

Evolutionists, creationists, perverts, slum lords,
Dead beats, athletes, protestants and catholics,
Housewives, neophytes, pro-choice, pro-life,
misogynists, monogamists, philanthropists, blacks and whites

Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God

Police, obese, lawyers and government
Sex offenders, tax collectors, war vets, rejects
Atheists, scientists, racists, sadists,
Photographers, biographers, artists, pornographers

Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe Deep the Breath of God

Gays and lesbians, demagogues and thespians
The disabled, preachers, doctors and teachers,
Meat eaters, wife beaters, judges and juries
Long hair, no hair, EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE...

Breathe Deep - Breathe deep the breath of God
Breathe Deep - Breathe deep the breath of God

-Lost Dogs

"Life's a gas" - C. Andersen

2006-09-22T13:56:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of venting about to happen here. You have been warned.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What should i do???

Please read and let me know. I don't care who you are. I need help.

Just when you think things could'nt get any worse.....

....this Tuesday our gas got shut off. We got the little green slips in the mail letting us know. No joke. It was due to late payments and minimum payments. Cold showers and no stove. It's all about giggles and fun here at the Catholic Worker.
(It's very coooold in here right now.)

Thankfully it will be back on hopefully some time tomorrow. We have been charged a crazy amount of money that we can't really hope to pay (fully, that is)...we are required to pay the balance within 2 weeks or we will get sgut off again! So Don sent out a mass email basically begging everyone and anyone for help. We have recieved some generous emails from people who want to send money...and other kinds of help. How nice.

And as per usual, my name wasnt mentioned in the damn email. Which I think is the straw that is breaking the camels back. After a year of living in this house, living through the burn out of 2 co-workers, being the only one left in this house, having survived 9 months of insanity, kidnappings, crack users, shootings, theft, a lot of "grinning and bearing it", feeling virtually invisible on this block, putting my mental and many times physical health at risk, having to ask all residents in my house to leave and the subvsequent madness, and more recently living through undoubtedly the worst/hardest 2 months I think I have ever experienced which i won't get into cause if i do I might barf. ( i could generally go on for a long time here - but i'll spare all the details)...all this for the sake of the community....and then finally when things get so bad that a desperate plea for help has to be sent out...I'M NOT EVEN MENTIONED IN THE FUCKING EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!! Every time i think the worst is over...the pit just keeps on deepening.

I know by now many of you might be asking: why am i still here?
What has this community really given to me outside of some major melt-downs and feelings of complete isolation, and the real kicker: the total ravageing of my spiritual and creative life?

I guess i just wanted so badly to salvage something good out of a very wrong situation. I want to be able to do some of the things I've dreamt about doing here. I want something to show for all the work and tears and pain of this year...something good...something beautiful and life-giving. But I'm too tired to do anymore dreaming.

One of the hardest parts about all of this, is that after all of this I can't even say that I have made very many true and lasting friendships/relationshpis. ironically that is what a community is supposed to be about. I can think of 3 people, and for those I am very thankful...but I keep asking myself...has all this been worth it for that?

In Conclusion: I do really want to leave. Thats the truth. But i don't know where to go or what to do from here.
I'm afraid of the overwhelming bitterness that may ensue as a result of doing all this work and having to leave without doing anything I really wanted to do. I just feel so worn out and under valued and unappreciated.

I feel like an old piece of garbage that has been chewed up and will soon be spat out.
I FEEL USED.

what should i do? ? ? ?

how do i know if i should leave...or if i need to stick this out. if you have an opinion...please give it?

when Jesus drinks

2006-09-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

so thankful for generous friends with comfortable apartments for me to lie down in.
Even ones that are half packed...or close to half.

yet again, writing this from Aprils apartment. have spent the afternoon watching TV here - doin' nothing. boxes and bags full of her stuff packed up. she'll be going to Costa Rica middle of October. looking around here it is becomeing painfully real.
...the fact that she really is leaving. hard thing. difficult thing when people you love, who have become part of the fabric of your life, go away. makes me sad.

sad today. tired. wondering if all this is going to be worth it. it doesnt feel like it right now. it feels a little more like slow dying. i'm loseing my faith in people . talking and talking and talking in circles and i don't even know if this is where i should be. feel as if i'm banging and banging my head against a brick wall - for what??

SO frustrated with people who like to talk talk talk out of thier asses about "the Beloved Community" ad about ideasls- preaching about the beauty of living in community yada yada yada, when the shit hits the fan the talkers scatter like ashes in the wind. when it comes down to the really really hard stuff, the ones who talk the loundest run the farthest away. and it makes me reeeaaaaally friggin MAD. it makes me want to rant and rave and swear. it makes me want to say:

"wow - you big bunch o' hypocrites - you are the kind that probably make Jesus want to drink gin staight outta the cat dish. He is quite a guy to love you in spite of you acting like big, stupid, pompous idiots. Maybe you'd best shut your trap about your high and mighty ideals from now on, unless your prepared to walk the talk. f*&%*ers."

yeah - I'm all about cutting through the crap right now. Believe me when i say - thats it's a big job - cause there seems to be a mountain of crap to cut through around here. big old stinky pile.

and on that happy note.....
peace,
-julia

The fall.

2006-09-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have been such a bad blogger lately.

September is here...the air is cooler...it smells like new beginnings.
I wish I were about ot head back into school - buying books - sniffing thier new crisp pages - taking long strolls through an ivy covered campus and laying my head down on a red velevet covered chair in the red library with a book and a highlighter. The fall always makes me feel like starting something fresh...something new yet familiar. Makes me feel like travelling!!

Strange to be feeling all these things when my life situation is about the farthest thing from fresh and new. Instead of branching out into a new horizon, I have been given the most unpleasant job of dusting the cobwebs off an experiment gone bad, and a community of people coming un-hinged. Or just gone moldy or wonky. Actually it's quite a lot more complicated and serious than that, in a way. A lot of hard work to be done...and being done. Too much to explain. Am i being cryptic??

I did spend a beautiful 8 days of silence last month at Loyola House which is a Jesuit retreat and training centre in Guelph. (You may have heard of it by way of a big old Wal-Mart scandal that has been on-going. The monks lost of course. I saw the beginnings of it while I was there. A monstrosity!)
My 8 days there were a gift to me, and a reminder that God is ever and always present..even in the darkest and lonliest of circumstances.

Reading a 'laugh-out-loud' poignantly bizarre book by Christopher Moore entitled "Lamb - The gospel according to Biff, Christs childhood pal". It is truly one of the funniest and most facisinateing books I've read in a long time. Not for the theologically faint of heart - it may offend some....just a warning. It has many sweet little nuggets of truth hidden...one of my favorites that i had never heard is this one:

"The three jewels of the Tao: compassion, moderation and humility.
Compassion leads to courage, moderation leads to generosity, and humility leads to leadership."

I'll leave you on that note.
I do love the fall.

peace,
-julia

unexpected gifts

2006-07-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

First post in awhile...

It's been a hot'n'sweaty July. A high stress and mentally exhausting month....and will probably continue until at least October, and maybe into November. I feel in the middle of a dark tunnel. And the only way out is through. There is no avoiding a lot of mess and pain.
Life seems so hard and heavy right now. Very hard.

But - It's a lovely Sunday for me....Met Shelley this morning at a beautiful little Anglican church downtown - St.George the Martyr. It was quite an unexpected gift. I can honestly say it is probably the first time I have felt truly nourished inside of a church in over a year. I felt strengthened after the sacrament. I felt more relaxed than i have in a very long time. Sitting in the pew with my eyes closed and breathing slowly...i felt a bit as if I was in the warm lap of God. The piano player played the Ave Maria as the priest annointed and prayed over some of the parishioners after the celebration of the Eucharist....and during the singing of a particularly beautiful hymn I just cried and cried. The silence....the peace....Totally and wholly unexpected. I believe I have found a church I actually want to attend. I'm so glad for it.

Then we biked back to Roncessvalles and met April....who will actually be moving to Costa Rica for a year: Crrrrrrrrrazy. Anyway - then we got coffee's, Shelley cut my hair in April's back yard, and A and S left for Freedomize I stayed here to watch Aprils TV and get a shower. Man, I love my friends. I am so lucky. sooooo...I've been vegging out wrapped in one of her big bath towels....this has been a retreat day. a true sabbath. i think i will watch a movie.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfall
all your waves and breakers
wash over me
wash over me
wash over me
and heal me.

Peace,
-julia

questions on Community

2006-06-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

Changes come
Turn my world around
Changes come
bring the whole thing down

-Over the Rhine
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yet another bigger transition is coming about in the CW community. I guess we all knew this was a'coming - with the end of the 'year' that I said I would be here - almost upon us. It is no fun here right now, though. But hasnt really been much fun for about 3 months now. Not that things should always be fun. No not at all.

However annoying and disconcerting new changes are, they do bring certain fresh possibilities to the fore - that i did not have much room to entertain before now. ... new questions arising from these shifts....such as:

1) What are the top 5 most important things that I want/need for my life out of living in community with others?
2) What is a sustainable and healthy way for me to live and be in community?
3) What would I do differently (based on the the current experience)? What would remain the same?
4) If I had a choice, who are the people in my life, or who i know, who I would most want to live in longer term community with? Why?
5) What would my ultimate philosophy or vision statement for an intentional community be?
6) How can I live in community in a way that allows me to live naturally and in an unforced manner?
7) What existing intentional community do I most admire? Why?
8) If I were to help form or become part of a new community would I want to practise some form of hospitality? if so, what would that look like?
9) What would my personal non-negotiables be upon forming and living in a community?
10) At this stage in my life how much time (ie. years) would I be willing to commit to another experiment of living in community?
11) How important is it for me to remain in my current neighborhood?

These are a few of the questions that are turning and turning around in my mind. Actually I can't make it stop - no matter how badly I want to. As sick as I am of the word "community" and "intentional" I know I have to figure out whether I want to continue experienting with it or not. Is this a way of life that I am somehow called to. After the sheer craziness that this year has been it is so difficult for me to say.

I know there is a lot of "me" and "my" in the above questions...and the reason for that is - that one of the biggest things I have learned from my time here is that, if your not careful, your identity can become lost is a sea of obligations and "should's" when living in community - in a house of hospitality. It is difficult to maintain a sure sense of self when constantly surrounded by people.

I long for a simpler way of life. A more joyful life. A life with and for others. A life filled with purpose and fuelled by a bigger vision. It seems that community is probably the hardest way for a person to live...but seems that it may be the better way. The way that leads to deeper joy. But I could be deluded.

Some reflections on my experience here:
I know that the major downfall for me about living at the Catholic Worker is the drain on my artisitic & creative nature, and I know now that I can't survive longterm inside a community that is not actively feeding into and focused on creativity in some major way. I realize now that I need some form of artistic accountability....a place that affirms and celebrates art and the artist. I think I need to be part of a community that is focused more on "bieng" rather than "doing"....and than maybe the "doing" would flow out of the "bieng" (??) . I also realize that I need a place that is more concerned with cultivateing real friendship/relationship rather than projects. I think i need a more faith based community. A place where there is more of a commonality of faith expression and more communal prayer that is open somewhat natural an unforced.

Some first thoughts.

Sometimes I think that all I want to do is sit around and play my guitar for a year.

On a farm....where there is a dog....and a labrynthe....and yellow birds.

peace,-jc

Avoiding Life...

2006-06-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

Hey there...

It's Friday afternoon in June... and there are about a million things that I could/should be doing. But instead I am hibernateing in my room reading, lying around, checking my email and ignoreing the telephone. Good times. And so - I decided it was awhile since my last post.

I spent last week in Newfoundland. Left on very short notice due to my Poppy being quite sick. I hadnt been there in three years - since my grandmothers funeral...so I decided to go knowing that I really wanted to see him before he dies. Turns out he took a turn for the better and he is actually doing really well in his new home.
It was a good week there. Nice to be in a place where the pace of life seems so much more natural and less frantic. And the air so clean!! I took many long walks in/around the city and along the paths there. The beauty of that land never ceases to amaze me.

Upon returning I have been feeling more and more unmotivated concerning the things in my life I should feel motivated about...like my new job(s) at PNC, like life here at the worker....I just feel a bit blank about life and work. Where I should feel exited I only feel dread.

I have been craving a simpler life - a life free of endless striving and work and searching for and long lists of commitments and endless streams of people and needs and demands etc etc etc. I wonder if my energy has just run out.
Or if my desires for what I really want out of life are slowly emergeing out of a heap of responsibility that I want nothing to do with anymore.

I wish I knew what I wanted. I feel that if I knew that I would do whatever it takes. Maybe life really is too short to be fullfilling obligations and ignoreing true desires. I wish my calling and my desires would run into each other and meet. major clarification of what I am called to do and be is in order.

Don telling me about his friend Sara, who is going to India to finish her studies on Tabla and to learn how to sing in that beautiful way...when I heard about that something in me longs for that kind of life of discovery and plungeing into experiences. I felt the same way when I heard about Jeremy packing up his car and moving to Newfhoundland to study ethnomusicology. Something in me aches for that. To forget everythting and do something that is just for me...to experience life in its fullness...to follow my own instinct - purely.

I think that turning 30 is actually bringing on a whole lot more bigger life questions than i was anticipateing. Damn it all to hell!!! ;)

I should stop here before my head gets fuzzy and my brow permanently furrowed.
These are big questions.
and I'm hungry.
peace,
-Julia

The Big 30!

2006-05-18T14:45:00.000-07:00

It' s hard to believe it's been almost 2 months since my last post! And a crrrrazy 2 months it has been.

Spring is rolling along here - as is life. Rolling right into the 30's actually. Yes - I will be 30 tomorrow. The dreaded three - zero. It's really hard to believe that in a day a pretty significant and formative decade of my life will be over. And after all the whineing and moaning about my lack of career, chidren, house, car, RRSP, pet poodle etc that i "should" have at this age...when it's all said and done I have to say that I am more than happy to leave the 20's behind.
Good-bye to "who am i?" or "what it my purpose" or "what was i born to do and bring to the world" blah blah blah. I've grown tired and impatient with these questions. I look forward to moving past them once and for all....or at least partially.
I'm looking forward to growing in wisdom and acceptance of life in whatever form it comes in. I'm looking forward to becomeing more fully woman.
I'm looking forward to being less concerned with what "should" be and more concerned with what is.
Bring on thirty, I say.
I'm game.

I had a wonderful surprise party at Zac's this past Saturday. The community and others who I love were all there. It was a very happy time. We danced and danced. One of the best things about it was watching Marcel - one of our friends and a frequent visitor - dance around in his shiny green shirt. It was such an amazing collision of worlds and a good representation of the incredible diversity of my life over the past 7 months. To say I was appreciative was an understatement. It was beautiful.

so yeah - thats that. Not much else to report at this juncture. At this very moment all are gathering around the table getting ready to share a meal. Word has it that Maybel has come...which i am very pleased about - I have missed her around here. No doubtshe'll comment on the wieght I've gained. Gotta love her.
Must go.
Peace,
-Julia

Drifter

2006-03-29T08:41:00.000-08:00

It's been over a month since my last post so I thought it was time for a wee update.

I've been in Ottawa for 2 weeks. It's been good. But upon reflection...I think I probably should've gone somewhere farther away. Somewhere hot. Somewhere "other". Oh Well. I guess Cuba will have to wait.

Jim has been released! Wow. Apparently the community has been in a state of elation. Wish I could have been there.

After a pretty harrowing and overly busy 5 months - I was kindof hoping to get some needed clarity and rest over the course of the month. I think it's safe to say that I've had a lot of physical rest...and mental rest to some extent.
But I feel as far from really "rested " as ever.
I think that removeing myself from my overly active life over the past month has only helped to surface some pretty core issues that I was doing a really good job of not dealing with - or ignoreing.

I think this pretty much sums it up for me right now:
Who am I? Where is my home?

I realize that these are questions that, if asked honestly enough, will probably never be fully answered in this life. To some extent we are always searching for who we are...and for our true home. It doesnt end and wrap up into a neat little conclusion. at least mine sure as hell does not.

For me, at this stage in my life, these questions are particularly painful ones, as I feel very homeless...both spiritually and actually. I feel that I don't really fit anywhere right now. I feel that I am experienceing a crisis of identity. All of the things I used to depend on to provide me with some kind of safety, security, comfort...even joy - just don't work anymore....nothing works. It is like some rug has been pulled out from under me....and I'm left drifting.

I didnt think that living at the worker would quite literally cause me to feel - homeless. And yet - in some sense that is exactly what has happened. Maybe it is a good thing. Maybe that is the whole point.
If that is the case - it still fucking sucks.

...a very uncomfortable and sad place to be. I'm impatient with the copeing mechanisms of other people. I'm frustrated that I have few people in my life right now, if anyone, who can fully understand or relate to what I am experienceing....and I don't even have the energy to try and expain it. (oh - did I mention ? I'm also eating like a pig.)

Really it comes down to this (and here is the harsh rub) - WHO CARES? who really cares that Julia feels homeless?? People, no matter who they are, usually only care about what directly affects them. Sad but true.
Quite honestly, i'm tired of trying to feel understood when it never ever works anyway and I on;y end up feeling more isolated.

So what to do? I feel like I've been gagged. Without the ability to talk about this strange transformation that is happening in me. No one wants to hear about this kind of pain and confusion...so I'll go bakc to my life and go about my business and be present to others and yada yada...but who is there to care about ME - what I am feeling??

i feel very alone and a bit confused and very alien in a world that couldnt care less.
Yes - I feel sorry for myself. No i do not feel bad about it.

peace,
-Julia

If Jesus were a woman

2006-03-16T09:08:00.000-08:00

Been thinking alot lately about what it means for me to be woman...
what it means for me to honour my womanhood in the face of a Faith that has left most women scratching the dust for a place and a role.

Genesis - God created them in his own image. Male AND Female - they were created.
Meaning that God is both male and female.
My male God has become too small. I need a "Big Momma" to use Stephs brilliante image...we all need a big strong woman to hold us. We need a Mother God just as much if not more than a Father God.
I know I do.

One of my icons of Mary and the child...I remember someone saying about it - when I look at her face I see the face of someone who truly understands me.

I am in need of a female God who truly understands me - and who truly affirms me.

Where am I allowed to be both strong and soft? Where am I allowed to apply my intuitive instict somewhere other than a typical domestic role?
How will the church allow me to be fully and truly woman - in the places where I am called to be that?

As Rohr has pointed out - If Jesus came as a woman...he would not have been recieved as revelation. Because women are natural healers and nurturers and encouragers. The crowd would have said to themselves "Typical woman" and continued on thier way.

"Jerusalem, Jerusalem...how often have I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings...."
-Jesus (Gospel of John 23:37)

peace -julia

Revolution of this heart

2006-02-24T10:52:00.000-08:00

"The greatest challenge of the day is: How to bring about a revolution of the heart, a revolution that has to start with each one of us?" -Dorothy Day
+++++++++++++++++++++

Here's a strange thing:
Yesterday morning i was waking down my street, the sun was ablaze, the birds were tweeting and all was well....until i got to the corner of King and Close, and a woman 2 yards away from me starts running after this random man with a huge shard of glass in her hand trying to stab him! And this in front of all these school children! It was like a bad scene from a chuckie movie. Thankfully, after a bunch of people jumped on her it was all good...nobody was hurt. If it werent so horrifying it would have been helarious as she was yelling the whole time "I'm an undercover narrcotics officer you mother#%@#ing sons of bitches!!" Needless to say, this was clearly not the case.

These are the people in your neighborhood.
They're the people that you meet
each
day.

In other news...
I have decided to take a break for a month...at least...as much of a break as i am able. Have been recognizing that I'm running on less than fumes - and it's time for a serious rest. Which i am looking forward to. I get to spend one whole glorious week alone in Shelleys apartment while she is at Loyola..then back to Zac's for 5 days...and then off to Ottawa for 2 whole weeks. yipppeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Since entering into the Catholic Worker world and living in Zacchaeus House, this house of hospitality, I have:
-had moments of beauty never before experienced.
-observed myself at my shining best and my ugliest worst.
-observed others at thier shining best and ugliest worst.
-felt whole and accepted in a way i did not think was possible.
-have experienced inner poverty like never before.
-have loved and been loved beyond reason and logic.
-have been so lonely i have almost doubled over from the pain of it.
-have had moments of blissful happiness in arms of community and around the table that we share
-have been a student of my masters - the true teachers: the poor and the dis-placed.
-have realized that i am also just as poor and displaced
-have questioned myself and my abilities and my calling, as a human, as a christ-follower, like never before.
-have seen depths of conceit in myself that has shamed me

SOmetimes this is a terrible and beautiful place to be. Sometimes it seems like too much to handle. SOmetimes it seems like the rest of the world is too much to handle. It seems the longer I am here the more i think the the society I am a part of is a sinking ship that is unaware of the depths to which it has sunk - and is sinking. And most of my peers are buying into the isolation, the oneupmanship, the dog-eat-dog mentality even if it is dressed up as poiliteness or religion or intellectualism or spirituality or what have you. I myself have bought into it. We are all so full of fear, we are all unsure of who we are, and we are all so afraid to fess up to it....because we lack the experience of true community. We will not allow oursleves to be held by the other. We live in a world where vulnerability is scorned and we therefore are are not allowed to unveil our true selves.
The other day a dear and wise friend and community member said something to me...his words and his eyes pierced me when he said:
"Julia, I don't think you have learned how to recognize your beauty. You are still in hiding"

I don't want to live up to some ghostly standard. I don't want to live in accordance with anyone else's standard. I want to be Julia (Whoever you are who is reading this...I want you to be you. It's a tought job, but who else is going to do it?) Living here has been one giant and terrifying step out of hiding. I will learn. Slowly. Painfully. Joyfully.

Peace,
-Julia

black'n'whites

2006-02-13T20:02:00.000-08:00

recovered old photos of a singing girl..thanks Dad.

banners, activist dreams, pad Thai

2006-02-08T21:59:00.000-08:00

Today was a busy day:

photos of the demonstration

Morning into early afternoon:
At 7:30 am I found myself in front of a courthouse on University avenue, ironically right across from the US consulate, in a demonstration supporting the appeal of Brandon Hughey, who lives with me/us at Zac's House. For a little back-ground info: Brandon (and Jeremy Hinsman) are war resisters appealing the federal court to send thier fight to stay in Canada back to the immigration and refugee board which has already denied thier claims.

They are both American war resisters who are AWOL.
They have sought political asylum in Canada, and have been in an on-going fight to stay on the grounds that they were avoiding a war that violates international human rights and which therefore is illegal.

Anyhoo...we went along with a whole crew of the war resister campaign and we dutifully held up our Toronto Catholic Worker banner and stood in proud support of our friends. It was a bright moment in what has seemed like a rough time lately...all of us hundled in the cold hopping around, trying to keep warm, holding our signs, drinking our coffee....it felt good to be together supporting Brandon...and Jeremy. I only wish I had gotten into the dang court room!!

Afternoon:
Then....Don and I had a great conversation afterwards about activism and my own specific feeling about the kind of activism I want to be more involved in: empowering the urban poor...empowering them and trying to help organize the urban, street involved to empower each other - to take thier own power back...to organize themselves to build thier own functioning communities.....trying to flesh out my ideas...not even sure if some of them are even possible. It is always inspireing and life- giving talking to Don about such things....he is a big dreamer and he is always ready to engage my crazy ones! I am honoured to be working with him. We threw around ideas and thoughts. Some of which i need to start researching...but these are big topics for other blog enteries.

Mid-afternoon:
Then.... went to see the Harts (Pat Jill Ryan) new apartment - they are a family that just last week moved out of Zacs into a beautiful co-op. It was amazing to see them in thier new space - right by the water front and so beautiful. I miss them...especially little Ryan. The house is not the same without a child in it.

Then....ate at the 'Queen Mother' - on Queen (d-uh). I had the Pad Thai.It rocks there - and I read my book in a sunny corner. It was lovely.

Evening:
Then.... I went to the NFB to check out some documentaries I have been meaning to see - one about the Gateway - the S.A shelter where I work - and a couple about Vancouvers East side.
One called "Heroines" about one photographers obsession with the women of the East side and he documents thier lives in his stunning photographs. He captures the soul and essence of these broken, beautiful women. It was amazing. There are a few others that i still need to see...but my time ran out.

Then....I went to my small group for the first time in what seems like forever. It was so great...Cindy cooked a fabulous meal, Pat brought donuts and sweets, Jeff broke out his electric massager that we all had a turn on (for real), we had an amazing time of worship. Then they put me in the middle of a circle and prayed for me! Without me even having to ask...it was such a huge massive encouragement to me. Especially during this time of burn-out/melt down that i now recognize I am experienceing. I must retreat soon. i can feel it. it needs to happen. Anyway - I love those guys...my amazing living room: Esther, Blake, Lisa, Pat, Mark, Jeff, Cindy, Rob. I am so glad i went tonight. I am so glad to have them as part of my life.

So now...it's late and I should be sleeping. but wanted to record some of the events of my day....it has been a good one.
peace out

warning ; explicit content

2006-02-03T11:33:00.000-08:00

something i have been realizing: anger has alot of unruly energy attached to it.

something else i have been realizing: wow do i have alot of it.

******

she is justified in her sentence.
justified.
she will not be taken advantage of. she will not be commodified. she will not be toyed with. she refuses to placate and she will not play your game. she is well aware of the darkness of your shadow and it has become disgusting to her.
you arrogant fuck. you unbelievably self absorbed arrogant fuck.
wake up.
you mistake strength for weakness and weakness for strength. you misuse and abuse and lie to yourself - to others...and still honestly believe in the strength of your own illusions.
she is tired of your illusions. she is tired of the universe revolving around you. she is tired of you believing it.
she does not sympathize with you today. that is all over. she knows your cowardice. she almost laughs at your attempt at manipulation. she looks down at you as you moan and complain.
all she can think is what a sad sad little man you are.
all she can see is rage.

you picked the wrong woman to mess with.
you have no idea.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Nouwen on Community

2006-01-23T05:46:00.000-08:00

this struck me hard today - so true to my experience "living" community here:

Community supported by Solitude
Solitude greeting solitude, thats what community is all about. Community is not the place where we are no longer alone, but the place where we respect, protect and reverently greet one anothers aloneness. When we allow our aloneness to lead us into solitude, out solitude will enable us to rejoice in the solitude of others. Our solitude roots us in our own hearts. Instead of making us yearn forcompany that will offer us immediate satisfaction. solitude makes us claim our center and empowers us to call others to claim theirs. Our various solitudes are like strong, straight pillars that hold up the roof of our communal house. Thus, solitude always strengthes community.

There's a warm wind a- blowing...

2006-01-20T11:22:00.000-08:00

Yes.
All of our wildest dreams have come true:

It's spring in January

Gone the snow drifts. Gone the big boots. Gone the frostbite. Winter has eluded us.
I'll not fool myself into thinking that it is gone for good. But for now I will immerse myself as completely as i can into this present reality. Global warming or no global warming. This rocks.

Glorious spring in the middle of winter.
Yes.

a big ham.

2006-01-17T08:44:00.000-08:00

No - this is not a post about my ass. (heh heh heh har har)

It's Jenna's birthday (actually it was yesterday) and we are all celebrating together tonight around the table at Zac's. I am looking forward to it - as it's been kindof lonely around the house the past week - with a good chunk of the house being away right now. Anyway, Jenna's favorite thing to eat is Ham. I'm in charge of cooking it...with her supervision of course. So that is what I'm going out to buy this afternoon. A big Ham. I get to find a big meatshop to buy a big ham. Where does one find a big Ham? How does one cook a big ham? How did I ever find mysef in the position to buy and cook a big ham? These are the moments around here that make me laugh. It will be interesting, i'm sure.

I think I just really like saying "big ham" cause i think it's funny.
big ham big ham big ham big ham.

sick AGAIN!

2006-01-15T11:48:00.000-08:00

Woke up today with my sinuses completely clogged and my throat all scratchy.
I thought I had already been through all this! You'd think that a 10 days basically sleeping over Christmas would have nipped it in the bud. Apparently not.

Went out for breakfast with Rob K and dropped one of his little vitamin c pills into my water so that it became full of bubbles and bright orange. I may have to OD on those bad boys over the next week.

My room is also like a refrigerator. I think it's time to bring in the big guns....block heaters...here we come!!

To end on a more positive note: I am grateful for bright sunny days.

Happy SUNday.
-Julia

Global Warming and tears.

2006-01-12T08:34:00.000-08:00

I guess it's really in effect now. I feel as if I'm being tricked into spring....like I need to plant flowers or something. It's so warm and beautiful outside....and it's almost the middle of January!!! I can't imagine how the birds feel. Pretty fucked up probably. I just really hope that we're not shovelling snow in April. That would bite. Hardcore.

had a day of "emotional leakage" on Tuesday...brought on by RS - his speaking at WBB was a reminder of everything I've been trying to forget about...in order to function. Reminded of everything that has happened...all the stress and craziness and pain. Reminder that sometimes life is pain. It completely undid me. so so so so humiliating having mini emotional breakdowns in public. I truly hate that. Anyway. It was shocking even to myself as i've been feeling pretty on top of things lately. the psyche is a complex thing. it can file away alot..

So I hid away on campus and curled up in the sun and let my eyes quietly leak and leak and leak and then I slept deeply. And then i felt better.

Almost missed my first apointment with my spiritual director, though.
Which is a topic for another blog.

and now it's time to enjoy the sun. I love days like this.
peace friends,
-julia

the shelter..

2006-01-07T21:07:00.000-08:00

Worked another 12 hours at the shelter today.
A whole lot of men.
A whole lot of messy men.

Strangest thing is - i'm completely wierded out by how much I can relate to these guys...

I was saying to Shelley tonight...I think I relate to the self hatred. I almost wince writing it. But it's true.
The only difference between mine and thiers is that mine is dressed up - and I've found ways of copeing with it...manageing it.
In a wierd way it can be a relief for me to spend the day with a group of individuals who have absolutely nothing to prove....or at least...they have no need to keep up a pretense. It frees me to drop my own. Sometimes it's frustrating...but it's real. Often glareingly and painfully real.
And I really like most of them. I really appreciate who they are: strong strong people who don't recognize it.
I think i can honestly say that alot of them are stronger than i will ever be. You have to be to go through the kind of shit that they do and survive...and face each day...and even laugh and talk and...keep going.

One of them told me today that I have gained weight.
oh - the honesty.

must take shower and sleep.
Out
-Julia

Throw down your arms....

2006-01-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

When we are free from the need to judge or condemn, we can become a safe place for people to meet in vulnerability, and take down the walls that separate them. Being deeply rooted in the love of God , we cannot help but invite people to love one another. When people realize that we have no hidden agenda's or unspoken intentions, that we are not trying to gain any profit for ourselves, and that our only desire is for peace and reconciliation, they may find the inner courage and wisdom to leave thier guns at the door and enter into conversation with thier enemies.

Our ministry of reconciliation most often takes place when we ourselves are least aware of it. Our simple, non-judgemental presence does it.

-Henri Nouwen
-----------------------------------------------------------------

I spent a good part of yesterday evening at the police station....waited for them in the rain for an hour...rode in the back of the cruiser with M. for her to make a statement. She booked herslef into a shelter last week after she got kicked up the stairs...waited with her for a half hour on the bench in the station and the amount of people filing in and out of the place was crazy. The police for the most part are good folk trying to help...but there was so much "machise" going on that I didnt really want to leave her to deal with them alone. She's a tough cookie though, that one. I'm amazed at her ability to deal. If it were me I would break under the pressure...i'm quite sure.

I just had the overall sense of what it means to be lost in a system....the cold cold system.
So here's to a safe secure place to live. So here's to a solid support group in my life. So here's to the fact that I have never had to make a police statement. So here's to the fact that I have relative mental health....and financial security.

lates,
-julia

New year - ever so gentle.

2006-01-04T09:13:00.000-08:00

It's uncanny the amount of inner peace i feel entering back into community life after the break.
I know it is sheer gift and grace...this peace and calm. A complete surprise, really...after the steady pace of hectic that December was.

We had the most relaxed meal together last night....ringing in the new year together - ever so gently...with laughter and the kids playing. Just enjoying one another. Simple as that.... and it was so good - i felt at home amongst family. i felt truly content.
Fun is on the agenda this month....I can hardly believe it but I am truly looking forward to the months ahead at Zac's. I was so amazed yesterday coming back from work at the shelter...how un-rushed I felt. For the first time in a really long time things feel right. Maybe i should knock on wood. We'll see.

So here it comes: Have had a few conversations with people around new years resolutions. Those dang new years resolutions! I do feel like there are some things I want to work on. Maybe I should write some of them here...to remind myself:

1) Self Care -
learning how to take time for myself in a healthy, more integrated way. Listening to music more...trying not to rush around as much...taking more baths...getting time to write and play at least one time a week. Just enjoying life and things that I love a little more. And valueing myself a little more.
2) Prayer -
want to learn to pray the rosary!! But the more important one...I want to have centering prayer a more regular part of my daily life. This will be difficult. No doubt - it is the most important thing I can do for myself actually. I know it will be the major piece that enables me to live life here fully and with the most joy. and the most sanity.
3) Living more in the present moment -
the biggie. pretty self explanatory.
4) The gym -
I've been avoiding this one like the plague. But I think I'm gonna have to start this winter. not just because of my growing ass - but for my mind as well. I hate the hibernation factor of winter. and i can't ride my bike through mounds of snow. it has to be done. yikes. Lord have mercy.

This will be the mantra for 2006: "THE PRESSURE IS OFF!"
Everybody - repeat after me: THE PRESSURE IS OFF!

>enter freedom.

peace folks,
-julia

Last night of my official holiday....

2005-12-30T18:11:00.000-08:00

since tomorrow i am going back to the big city -
with some fear and trepidation.

i've been here for 9 days. 9 relatively quiet lazy hazy days. it's been swell. other than the mack truck cold and phlegm. I have way too much crap to load onto the greyhound. it won't be pretty. i really wish i hadnt brought my guitar.

it's really hard to believe that we're headed into 2006. in, like, a DAY. yikes. 2006 - i feel like we should be using those jetson type cars now or something. :) You know the ones...they kindof hover above the sidewalk, and you just zoom along.
man - if only life were like that.

i finally bought myself a rosary today. my very own gorgeous rosary. I bought at St. Patricks. it is very beautiful. i feel like i've waited my whole life to buy this thing. too bad i don't know how to say it. that will be one of my new things to learn in 2006 - how to pray the rosary....or maybe i'll just make up my own prayers per bead....(my apologies to any catholics who may be reading this right now). Anyway - I am especially looking forward to Epiphany this year...maybe because I feel I may be on the verge of a few of my own.

actually now that I think of it - the trip home won't be that bad...what with the new cd's (Johnny Cash, Coltrane and thelonius Monk live at carnegie Hall, Sinead O'connors reggae - throw down your arms, Joni mitchell - politically charged tunes), and all that yummy new yarn for fresh knitting....and all the new books....yes - life is good.

{OTTAWA JUST SCORED - YAY!!!}

good-bye fair Ottawa. Until next time.
over and out
-Julia

Props to the Carpenters...

2005-12-21T12:50:00.000-08:00

So After looking over my last few blogs I was like - wow - how deeeepressing!

So - in the kitchy spirit of the season....here's a little ditty. God, i love Karen Carpenters Christmas album...enjoy:

Come hear those sliegh bells jingleing
Ring-ting-tingleing too
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Let's hit the snow before us and sing a chorus or two
Come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up - let's go
Get on with the show
We're riding in a wonderland of snow

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up - it's grand
just holding your hand...
We're riding around in the scene of a wintery fairy land.

Come hear those sleigh bells jingleing
Ring-ting-tingleing too
Come on it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride
together
with you.

Merry Christmas to one and all.
Peace on Earth,
-julia

parties and sorrow and other things....

2005-12-16T13:41:00.000-08:00

I'm in the parkdale library. taking a breather before the big Catholic Worker Christams party. It's ironic in a way...as I am so not in the mood to "party". Get drunk - yes. Sing carols - no.

The tinsel is on the tree. the deserts are ready. Everyone has probably been scampering around getting ready..the presents are wrapped. I havnt been around much for the pre-festivities. I am hiding in the library. I think H bought me some plates to break.... yipeeee.

It's Christmas and the bad parts of me are surfaceing as life is consumed with others. we all have this utopian vision of what it means to be living in authentic community - doing hospitality - living for and with others - living out our ideals of a more just and whole society. Then theres the part where you wake up and realize that it is not all idealistic. It is mostly the hard realities of life slapping you in the face...the day in day out living with each other...having to smile when all you feel like doing is crying - and sometimes doing that too.

I was thinking about all these things last night as we sat down around the table to eat our meal. I noticed the 'Gollum' in me come out as M was asking me for the fifth time to get her something - a glass of milk - more beans - 3 more peices of chicken - etc. and I hadnt starting eatign yet...I was grumpy and tired and emotionally spent...and I was stuffing the urge to literally FREAk out. And then I thought about what M said about what it is we really do here...more than the activism and talk and work and idealism etc:
What we do is attend to each other.
And sometimes very badly. We attend to all our sometimes cleverly hidden disfunction...and wierdness...and tempers..and exhaustion...and need. so much need.

I keep having to remind myself to try and be easy on myself...what with the hostage taking, the vigiling, the decapitated head at the end of the street. Nerves are frazzled way beyond the normal frazzles...and lately i've been forgetting about that. We are being daily confronted with the hard nugget of human pain and suffering. It is a hard thing to keep facing sorrow at it's most vulnerable and raw.

Party time.

peace,
-Julia

I should be in bed.

2005-12-13T20:55:00.000-08:00

When i got here I had so much stuff I wanted to get out...and now...it's all escaped. Poof - gone.

Hmmm...

I feel there are so many fundamental questions that are needing answers. God - I hate the word "fundamental". And yet...

What is my place here? What am i called to do here? What are we called to do here? Why am I here in this place at this time? Why do I feel do angry all the time lately? How do i stay true to who I am right now without flipping out? Where is peace?

I need to understand my own limits and boundaries...but am so exhausted...that I have no idea how to even start to do that. I need nourishment....deep nourishment of the soul...in order to be present - and some kind of source of nourishment for others in this community...in this house... but am i even called to be that right now?

I guess i just think that I should be or feel so much stronger than i do. I want to do the best job I can. But I am so burdened with a sense of all prevadeing resentment...and I barely know where it's coming from...or what to make of it.

i just don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to reconnect with the reasons I came here in the first place. i know there is so much pressure on all of us right now....and things are difficult...I'm so afraid of getting swallowed up in these bad feelings.

A prayer to the God of my life:

When tender was the night...
You came with Joy.
And this is what I am asking of you this night:
Joy
And maybe patience and maybe trust and maybe safety.
And maybe so many more maybe's
Help me. Help us.
Help.

Amen.

If you can't take the heat.....

2005-12-11T18:22:00.000-08:00

than stop reading.

It's amazing how difficult it is to have a blog when you live in community.

I'm realizing as I write this that
a) I'm paranoid that someone may walk in here at any moment and see what I'm doing
b) any sense of being anonomous (i have no clue how to spell that word) is now gone like the wind - I can even feel it as I write this. which is really kindof sad. for me. It's killed the fun...of just expressing...but it is on the "world wide web" so it is my own fault. I awknowledge that.

that being said I will try my best to pretend that people I live with have not read this thing....and try to vent as much as i am able.
A note to those reading this who live with me: and if you live with me and you are reading this....if you must....one request... please try and pretend that you are not reading about me....like - this is someone else....let's call her...."Beulah"....beacsue i want to still maintain some freedom in this. Some sanctity.
oh ya - one more thing - I dont want to know if your reading this. So please don't tell me if you are.
thanks. ;)

So - all of the sudden I feel very uninspired.

Anyone who may be reading this - who doesnt live with me - this is a little window into what it is like to be living very closely with many people...in intentional community. Welcome to the jungle.
It's not conducive to blogging.
because for some reason - even though we are surrounded with each other 24-7....we STILL want to read each others blogs!? And to think - that we barely have any privacy to begin with!!!!!!!!!!
when one really stops to think on this...it's pretty warped. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we could use a little less "intention".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is exactly how I feel right now:
COuld you intentionally intentionally intentionally. keep your dirty little wiggly fingers to yourself. leave me alone alone alone because the earth is ablaze and spinning and reeling and how how how is it that all anyone can think about is body and sweat and the lust of the eyes and fading fading fading beauty that never lasts longer than that...never longer than the evaporation .....please please I am not a bulwark I am a tottering fence and I need space to breath...deeply...and I am not so strong. Fuck.
because the earth is on fire and me along with it. I am not a wellspring. I am not something to be trampled. i have no resources left. none. I am empty. There is nothing here. There is nothing to draw. So get what you need somewhere else.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I will make all things well. I can make all things well. I shall make all things well. And all shall be well".

"Flow"

2005-11-27T14:36:00.000-08:00

I've been in Ottawa for 5 days. Taking a breather from life in the big city. from life in the big crazy community.

Since I've been here...been dealing with the re-ocurring theme...of the value and beauty of music.
My mom played for me a song by a jazz/fussion artist - a trumpet player - by the name of Terrence Blanchard...I think...

Anyway - we were driving down the parkway, and she was playing this song off of the CD - a song called "Flow". I was overcome with the beauty of it - it took me to another place...a place I so badly needed to go.
And I realized as we were driving in the car and silently listening - hardly breathing - that making beautiful music is a service. It struck me like a hard blow. It's a humble service to the world. And it is badly needed....to open the eyes of our eyes and the ears of our ears. I think I have forgotten about that these past few months...with commitments coming out the wa-zoo and the details of life leaving little time to be ravished by a song...seemingly 'more important' things to do. I have forgotten about the beautiful vocation and service of the musician.

....it was all energy and passion and life and utter selflessness which Terrence Blanchard was chanelling through his trumpet. he was a true conduit.
How do I live my life right now in a way that honours this part of me? this is the question always looming.

Soooo - my god-daughter, Cadence, is a dream. i love her....really love her. she's so full of wonder right now. it makes me want to enter back into the infant world. the scarf I knit her looks smashing on her. and tres cool.

my apologies for the spelling. I've never been one to care enough.

10-4 good buddy,
-jc

it was a blustery Sunday night....

2005-11-13T19:20:00.000-08:00

It's a little after 10 - post church.

It's blowing up a storm here on the lake. I had to fight my way up the steps it was so windy.
I feel tired. And I wish I was out getting drunk somewhere. I seem to be having a slight pre-occupation towards getting drunk lately...it is starting to worry me.
Warning: feeling long winded.

It was good to be at FT tonight...as i feel like it has been quite awhile since I've seen some folks.. leading worship felt good - and a bit of a stress reliever....poor Chris...I think Todd scared the crap outta him...but hey - I did forwarn him.

talked with the ladies tonight about expectations...in life....to have them or not to have them...that is the question. I was saying that the problem with not (or at least trying not) to have expectations is that it can either lead you to some serious despair or aid you in becomeing completely invulnerbale. Like a rock - in the bad sense. But it can also leave you open to new things...things un-planned for....things unexpected. Like...for example...the Catholic Worker! Pat gave me a book tonight that I think is called 'a year at the catholic worker' that is some guys diary entries while he was at the worker in NYC. Gotta love that Pat. It's amazing hte relevant hings he finds at the Sally Anne.....but back to the problem of expectations....I guess sometimes I look at my life and have to ask "what the F?!" And I'm beginning to wonder if it will always be "career suicide" for me. Meaning - I walk in the directions I feel God pokeing me in...and they are rarely if ever...ones that I ever expected - or ones that seem obvious or smart. Which sometimes, quite frankly, kindof sucks. It doesnt always suck. Just sometimes. Just some moments. like right now. when I would rather be drunk than sitting in the big old house by the lake writing a blog entry. Or i would like to be in mexico.

man, I really really miss my Dad right now.

It's now almost 11oclock at night and I'm feeling tired and loopy and lonely and homesick and jonesing for a cigarette which I have to go out and buy cause I ran out. this entry is loseing any kind of coherency....if it had any to start with. So the next time i write anything here I vow to myself that it will be clear concise and have a point. ya. thats the ticket.

bye bye.

My butt

2005-11-08T13:49:00.000-08:00

So fall is in all her brilliance....my favorite time of year....and all I can do is obsess about the size of my ass.

yes. pathetic. But i swear that it is growing exponentially. It is actually scaring me. I feel like a very frumpy old lady with an ass that is getting really outta control...kindof like that girl in Willie Wonka - the one that grew into a giant blueberry. Thats kindof how I feel.

My ass is growing and growing....like a huge oversized grotesque.....blueberry!!!!! ok - that sounds really wierd. But I feel like a freak of nature. Who will love me with an ass that keeps multipling itself???? Wow. What a humiliating entry. Maybe it's a woman thing. Maybe it's an 'I'm almost 30' thing. Everytime I catch a glimpse of it - it being my backside in general - in the mirror I have to gasp and look away. And I am even wearing Black pants today. Don't believe all the hype about black being a slimming colour. All lies I tell you. ALL LIES!!!!!

you, dear reader, may think I'm overreacting. Maybe... But please don't try and placate me with a gentle "it's all in your head - your ass looks fine." because I can no longer fit my favorite belt around my growing hips. And that, my friend, is serious....inDEED.

Hmmmm....So. i'm normally one of the most un-self concious woman i know about things of this nature....so this is slightly out of charachter. I think the ass rant is over now. Until i get slammed with another wave of growing butt phobia. and believe me....it's a phobia.

over and out,
-jc

Random poem

2005-10-31T12:27:00.000-08:00

it doesnt matter the words you say
it it only matters the softness of your touch

the only thing that matters is the warmth of a hand on a back
the only thing that matters is the way that I look at you
and the way you look at me

i look at you as if I had given birth to you
i look at you as if you were my own child
like that
to look at you with mercy = my womb aches for the loss of you
**********************************************************

i met a man who told me that he wants to move to China and change his identity....change his first and last name - wipe everything out. He told me that it is possible for him to be lost unto this world.....and to put to death the man that he is - where no one will ever find him. He told me he can be a brand new man.

"I can be reborn" he whispered to me with fire in his eyes. "I can be reeeee - born...."

Two hours later I saw him again - he was smoking a butt...and he looked at me and told me he changed his mind and said he was going back to Nova Scotia instead. I told him that I was glad he wasnt going to change his identity because if I happened to be in China and i spotted him it might be uncool for me to disclose his former identity. He laughed - but his eyes were cold. the fire was gone. I should've told him that I didnt want him to be lost unto this world.

Happy Halloween.

Mayhem

2005-10-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

Yep - that is what has suddenly become if my life....it's gone from pretty non eventfull to totally nutty....sheer craziness....and no computer which is driving me \bonkers. As i writethis from my music School owners computer.

Theres just something uncool about blogging from the Toronto public library. don't getme wrong - I'm a big fan of the library...but sheesh.

So in the past 2 weeks i have been trying to adjust to a totally different set of life circumstances...and it has been extremely challenging. i think one of the most challenging and wierd times in my life to date. I hadnt the slighest clue what the heck I was getting myself into when I decided to live in community here at the worker....but hey - you on;ly live once right!
Whats interesting as well is that being surrounded by people 24-7 brings about it's own kind of lonliness which i\ have never experienced until now. But Anyway - life is jammed with activity and I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed and weeded (as they say in the restaurant industry). Between open dinners, morning prayer, meetings, cooking meals, offering hospitality to random people, setting up house - a hundred little distractions....someone wantsthis - someone wants to talk....and then trying to have a life of my own.....it seems like a little too much at this stage. I hope i can do this thing called LOVE. It's one thing on paper...it's a whole other ballgame at 7am in the morning.

I'm right now loaded down with a very very unpleasant cold. I need hot liquid. pronto.
must go. And heres a shout out to Esther - if your reading this - Hey sister....i'm so glad someone reads my blog....especailly YOU! hehe.
peace out
-julia

I'm a Catholic Worker

2005-10-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

So it's official...as official as Catholic Workers can be...I am a catholic worker.

I am moved. and i feel in the wierdest twilight zone space ever. Very very very very very strange. Boxes everywhere in my room...people everywhere.... feel like I'm on mars.....CAn I handle this new life? Do I have any clue what I have gotten my self into? I think it's safe to say "nope". what the FUCK????!!!!>>>>????!!!!????!! What the fuck have I done???!!!!

sorry - I'm okay now. just had to release a little tension there. There is so much running through my head that I don't know where to start. I feel lost....and overwhelmed. But I guess that 'community' for ya. I'm sure the dust 'll settle. kindof. ooooo Lord have Mercy. Christ have Mercy. Lord have Mercy.

So other topics: on a lighter note...I was telling Lisa last night that I have a pleasant crush-like thingy which I havent had in what seems like a looong time. I had forgotten how nice it was to have a crush. A simple uncomplicated crush. I think i thought i had become a steel trap....impenetrable....sealed off....cold. And suddenly there are these vulnerable, wow-i-feel-like-a-twleve-year-old feelings.... and it's good to know that I'm not the fortress I thought I was. I can still feel. Yay for me.
Must

The Callender lady speaks!!!

2005-09-29T11:03:00.000-07:00

So I had a moment this morning I won't soon forget:

Here's a bit of background info first....In 2 days we will be completely moved off of Callender Street - our home since I've lived in Toronto. And as Shelley and I were loading the car to move some of her boxes I was thinking about the Callender Street lady - who I have been watching closely these past three years. She lives in one of the 2 group homes on our street and she has never spoken in all of the time that we've lived there. I have been feeling sad about the fact that I've never had a real conversation with this woman who I have thought so much about. There is just something about her.....She shines far beyond her obvious brokenness....She is the patron Saint of forgotten girls. She has just had this hard edge about her that has always held us at arms length....I have been so compelled by her that I even wrote a song about her....my moving wish was to speak to her before the move.

So as I was getting my bike this morning - this woman - who most often walks on the other side of the street in order to avoid her neighbors....stops in front of me with her sacs coffee in hand - turns and faces me with a huge smile (she rarely smiles) and says (almost yells) "Hello!!! How are you?? And how is your puppy?" I almost felll over in shock. And when i composed myself I told her that I didnt have a dog...and then she told me that I look just like another lady she sees who has a big brown dog. She thinks we're twins....Anyway - it may seem small - but it is actually one of the biggest most beautiful gifts I've recieved in a long time. I could not have thought of a better or more appropriate parting gift. ...thanks GOd.

new song just written...

2005-09-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

i'll stop at nothing
just to get to you
i'll bang down the doors
i'll crash through the roof
i will walk for days
in the scorching heat
i'll lay my body down
prostrate at your feet

because i really need you like a father
come to me
i need you to feed me like a mother
come to me
I am helpless. helpless
I am like your little child again.
because I really need you like a father
i need you to feed me like a mother
because I really need you like my father
i need you to feed me like my mother
come to me come to me come to me.

Baton Rouge

2005-09-19T18:45:00.000-07:00

Long time no write...

Just arrived back from a week in Baton Rouge, Louisianna - part of one of the many small bands of people trying to bring a small bit of relief to a place that is seeing so little of that these days. dark days for the deep south. It's hard right now to think that what we accomplished was anything more than a teeny tiny drop in the bucket....actually...that is exactly what it was. But I would go back and do it all over again anyway.

It's been a bit overwhelming to process everything and part of me wants to hop on a bus and plant myself there for the next 6 months...

A lament needs to be written for Louisianna. I never imagined in a million years that I would feel this much love for the southern United States. Who knew?? I think it's a humanity thing. It's the realization that it could so easily be me living on a matress in a makeshift shelter with 8000 other people and only one shower...ONE SHOWER!!!!! It could be me who has lost my home, my job, members of my family, virtually everything familiar to me.....85 babies in a hospital in Louisianna with nobody to claim them...as mothers would pass them off franticallly to helicopters in order to save them.....old ladies cowering in thier closet as trees swirl and crash in around them....a young security guard chain smoking after a day of watching bodies being dragged from a river....young men and women looking through boxes of old clothes to find underwear for thier children....hours lining up for food - for ice - for help help help/

But there is hope. I saw it. The city will be rebuilt....and there will be dacning again on the streets of New Orleans.

peace,
-Julia

almost fall

2005-08-20T09:41:00.000-07:00

The past couple of days have that slight chill and certain specific smell that is always the froeshowdow of fall. And how I am looking forward to it. Enough of all this sweat and salt and frenzy and squinting.

this moist and grey makes me ache for the East coast....for my dead nanny's and my ageing poppys. How I miss all of them. I have been such and absent grand-daughter.

What a wierd summer it has been. like some kind of wierd isolation....too much time to sit and think. think think think in circles and circles and circles. Last night I decided - at least in one area of my life - to stop the thinking and "set my face like flint". The decision: The move into the Catholic Worker house in October. It is done. I will go. Time to set the fear aside..and just do it.

I have been more fearful about life this past month than any other time I can remember. Not a surface fear but a much deeper more subtle fear. I think it's all this impending change. But somehow - sitting in the coffee shop last night - I remembered all the things I had forgotten - some of the reasons I ever thought about it in the first place....all of the great things that can come of a life altering move like this. And I finally feel a little more hope than dread. I look forward with hope to this new life.

I'm praying for a courage I have not known yet. I feel so much like Gideon....testing God at every turn - not believing I am who He says I am...feeling the least of my clan/tribe/family and the most powerless and vulnerable - wondering how God can ask anything of a whimpy dweeb like me. But I think God is nutbar in that way. He seems to always asks the whimpy dweebs to do things that require uncommon courage. and I'm too tired to fight this anymore. This whimpy dweeb gives up. Off to Close Ave I go. I wish i was stronger. I really do.

Brother Roger died on Tuesday night at the hands of a crazed woman. He died during a prayer service in the church in Taize. I keep having images of his white Robe stained with so much blood...and the brothers havong to carry him out. It has been so so hard to process. But tragically enough - the event has brought a certain kind of clarity to me. About the fact that Peace is beautiful and worth every kind of sacrafice - even in the face of unimaginable pain and sadness....and I want ot be a part of a movemet towards that. In some way.

Lighthouses??

2005-07-19T15:38:00.000-07:00

I think I mentioned in my last post about my dream to live in a lighthouse for a prolonged period of time....it seems I've been a bit obsessed with this idea since coming back from France. However my internet searches on real operating lighhouses have not really yeilded anything up until recently.

I ran across this music education program that was started in Michigan by this singer songwriter dude. Anyway - it was called "Lighthouse Lyrics" and the kids took trips to Lighthouses on the great Lakes and then wrote songs about them! So I wrote this guy and told him about my big dream to live in a lighthouse and asked him if he might have any leads. Today I got an email from him telling me to call him because he has a friend who does documentarys who has an "idea"! It's a little wierd and mysterious. I have a feeling that will be an intersting coversation...so stay tuned...

Anyhoo - not much else has been happening. I am spendiing the most part of my days searching jobs on the net and writing cover letters. From past expereicne it doesnt lead anywhere and after alot of wasted effort I end up working at a place like "The Armadillo Texas Grill". I'm beeseeching (is that how you spell that?) the Almighty that he spare me that fate just his once. Anything but that....anything but the dreaded food service industry. pleeeease.

been doing a few dates with Sharon this month so it has been good to at least be playng somewhere. We will be playing a show in Ottawa next week so that will be nice. I think I will spend soem extra time there as well.

so yeah - thats my life. thrills'n'chills.
keep on rocking in the free world.
-hulia

The Beauty of Wynona...

2005-06-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

That is the title of a Daniel Lanois album...that Doug lent me this week. It is extraordinary. It is so beautiful....mysterious....wistful - haunting at times. Listening to it, for me, is a bit like drinking a really tall glass of water on a really hot day. It quenches something. It is satisfying.

That is the kind of music I would like to make. The kind that satisfies...for those few who do take the time to listen...to really listen.

Life is funny right now. I feel like the captain of the ship that is my life - and I can steer it in any direction that I want. it is kindof exiting. and I'm not as scared of the unknown as I used to be. at least today i'm not...at least not this second.

it's all about letting go. letgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgolet
goletgoletgo
O to be a computer engineer!

I have a dream to live in and operate a lighthouse for 6 months. How whacky is that??!! but it is something I really want to do! I've always been inrigued by them. I think it;s the Newfoundlander in me. While i'm in my lighhouse I'd like to record music and call the recording "the Lighthouse Sessions".

peace OUt
-jc

Hot as Hell

2005-06-09T10:45:00.000-07:00

Presuming Hell is hot...maybe hell is really really cold instead...I actually have doubts as to whether it really exists except inside our minds (and sometimes our actions. Zoiks).
Scandalous!

Soooo.
Back from France. what a hootenany. okay - thats not quite the word I would use to describe it...but good times nonetheless.. good good times

I feel as if I dug myself out from under four years worth of junk...and now I can get on with the business of living.

I realized I have not been enjoying life as much as the French seem to...so that is something that must be remedied ASAP.

I came to see that being as shrewd as a snake but as light as a dove may be alot more fun than I ever anticipated.

the future is open
nothing is final
simplicity leads to solidarity
people are beautiful
unity inside of diversity points the way to freedom
everything is being made new
I can trust myself
where my deepest desire is, there God is
it's important to just 'be' - it's important to just 'do'
god can only give his love
beauty always hides a message...but I must make the choice to stop, look and listen to what it wants to say to me.

this is some of what I learned. hopefully. ;)

peace, -jc

29 in Paris

2005-05-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

Ionly have 9 minutes left on thius thing so
it is my birthdqy and i am in Paris.
Paris, France.
a little hard to believe.
feel a bit lonely tonight.
think i will go to the eiffle tower to end my day;

bonne anniversaire to me

peace,
hulio

Parks in Parkdale...

2005-05-05T16:02:00.000-07:00

Today was one of the first days since our warm spell a couple of weeks ago - where it was kindof springish again.

So bieng newly unemployed...i spent about an hour in a little park on Dunn, right off of Queen...read my book and sipped my Coffee Time. It was very nice. And also pretty amazing the amount of people that walked past me over an hour period. A crazy mess of humanity seemd to be walking across my path

...first there was a pregnant woman and her friend . the pregnant women sat down on the bench near me and just starting wailing - crying so loudly - and then she just pulled herslf together after some reasuring hugs from the friend and they went on thier way silently. Then there was this olderlady with a bag of bread crumbs making sure she covered every corner of the park - for the pigeons and birds...she seemed very happy, wore purple sunglasses and was very thorough with her work. Then there was a couple carrying boxes through the park - presumeably from the large apartment building facing it..they seemed tired. Then came 2 Jamaican women who sat on a nearby bench and they must have talked over every person in the entire neighborhood... then there was this Dad pushing along a Double stroller, and as he was walking he was entertaining his one little girl by playing a game in a very loud sing songy voice "Where is Daddys nose? Here is Daddys nose! Where are Daddys eyes? Here are Daddys eyes!" etc. I found that one the most enjoyable....because he was so wrapped up in his daughter that nothing else mattered. There were various other people who passed by me...one portly older gentleman who stopped, looked at me and said "yes - the perfect day to be sitting on a park bench reading a book". And right he was.

The whole time all I could think was...in those moments...how much I love this place. This place where I live. I love it's people. I love it's quirks. I love it's smells. I love it's greek food and it's Thai food. I love it's beer. I love it's children. I love it's sacs and even it's mentally ill. I love Parkdale.

From the park I went to NoFrills and bought a few things. Bumped into Braun, found out he lives in the neighborhood and we had a nice chat in the frozen foods section.

And a good day was had by all. Now I must try and plan my trip. yikes. I can feel my stomach tightening at the thought. But plan I must...just one cigarette first.

peace,
-julia

Belle Paris...

2005-04-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

Long time no write...

Latest and most exiting news is that i am off to Paris (France) as of May the 13th and will be staying there for three weeks. I have really made no firm plans as of yet. The only thing I know is that I plan on spending at least a week in Taize, which is an eccumenical monestary of sorts, whre I have stayed before. Anyway, I am pretty exited about it...but also a little freaked out by it....I think it's just been awhile since I've had a real vacation and the whole idea of it right now seems a little wierd. So far I have had three people either suggest or tell me that they think I should bring along my guitar...which seems like a pretty good idea - so I'm throwing that around right now.

In other news...I met our new baby neighbor today (i think his name is Malcom) and that was nice. It is always nice meetign a new baby. Our neighbors names are JJ and Lisa. I'm not sure what Lisa's daughters name is. Anyway - it was a nice encounter. Also a little strange as last night I had a very vivid pregnant dream.

April and Shelley have been gone for almost a week which means I have been alone for the most part. It has been kindof nice but there have been a few things happen to me this week where it would have been nice to have them to talk to.One major thing is concernign a man who i was actually interested in - first time in awhile - finding out that he is dating someone else. It was blow...I was totally clueless... and just made me feel very sad and confused and a bit humiliated. I think it has surfaced a whole host of other issues I feel that I'm faceing in my life right now....feelings of not being able to relate very well to my exisitng social circle....feelign like there needs to be some major changes but feeling powerless at the same time. Just feelign very "other". same old same old I guess. ;)

Despite the lonliness factor in dealing with some shitty circumstances this week, I have to say that I had a lovely dinner with Jen Mcnaughton and we had a really good time...I also had brunch with Jeff and Cindy - introduced them to my favorite breakfast spot, 'Easy'. Rochelle also came down to visit me and we went to the Ani Difranco concert and had a great time. Concert was swell. I also spent some amazing beautiful sunny afternoons walking down Roncessvalles and enjoying the flowers, the weather. Andto top it off tonight I plan on wearing my flannels, breaking open some red wine and wrapping myself up in a big blanket to watch the boob tube. There is really nothing else I would rather do on the rainy night. All that to say that it really has been a great week all in all.

Anyway - I think that pretty much all there is to say for now.
peace
-jc

It is April...

2005-04-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

After a long and yucky weekend...finally some sun.

I don't have too much to say right now. I have to leave very soon to teach...goinf to see 'THE HOLLOW' tonight with Jen McNaughton. It is a clown show about war. I'm pretty pumped to see it.

I feel like I have so much organizing of my life to do...that I feel a little over whelmed at it. But maybe it's all good. Maybe I really have nothing to worry about. Maybe I should try and enjoy this day.

peace.
-julia