Friday, February 17, 2012

Reprieve - or not.

Just needed a little reprieve. From "world o' Cancer".
Just wanted to blog on a nice clear blog not bogged down with all the shite.
I just wanna pretend for right now that everything is fine, that this never happened, and life is continuing on as "normal". As if there is really such a thing. Quel Blague.

It is ironic that even as I try to escape my reality by venting on my original blog, here I am blogging about it anyway. I guess because as much as I might try to escape all this and pretend it's not happening, I am still consumed by it. And there isn't a whole lot I can do about that fact. Other than just wait it out.

Hunker down, stay low,
watch for the dark clouds to pass overhead.
Do not get up until the shaking stops.

Entering into the last phases (hopefully) of this experience has brought up the fact that soon life will be hanging in the balance again, and I will have to pick up, dust off, and see what is next for me in life. And this fact is overwhelming to me. It's like simultaneously being presented with both the opportunity of a lifetime, and a giant pain in the ass.

I have no doubt: major changes lie ahead. I can feel it, subtly, like a slight change in the atmosphere of my inner world. It shifts. And I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle whatever these changes will bring. But I'm not sure I can stand back either.

I guess that's the thing that life threatening disease does - or anything that really, seriously shakes up ones world: It drives home the fact that you only have one life. One very, very brief episode on this spinning planet. And you might as well do the absolute very best you can with it. You might as well figure out what the hell you really want and pursue it as hard as you can. You might as well find the root of your ultimate longing and desire and run with all your might towards this.

So much for a 'reprieve'.