Thursday, March 27, 2008

major blog/life overload!

Holy Crap!!

I just did a bit of a stupid thing and decided to read all (almost) of my blog entries from 2005 till now!!! Wowsers!! In retrospect probably not the smartest thing to do - when I'm already super tired and need sleep.

A harsh reminder of what a crazy and unbelievably intense 3 years it's been for me. I almost forgot....but not quite. It's weird, but right now I have this bizarre feeling.... like - I really wish that I could stand outside of myself and give myself a hug....for all the shit i went through with the crrrazy community and all of that madness and feeling like the most alone person on the face of the planet. O - so so much pain. I wish I could give my self a hug that says "i'm sorry...and I understand..and it wasn't your did your very best". I think mainly because I am the only person able to do that. That's a totally weird thought. Maybe that's the way it is with the really painful things that forever change you....that sense that in some ways we all bear certain types of pain and hurt alone. It's odd to feel actual compassion for one's own self. I think that is what I felt after reading all of it...not self pity...but real compassion - as if i were reading about Someone else and not me. I think that may be a first!

I think I got hooked on reading by how crazy things got. Kindof like those reality shows that you know are going really wrong or will end up really badly...but you just can't tear yourself away. It's also weird, as the whole community experience has been coming up a lot lately, totally independent of my bringing it up (generally, i don't like to think too much about it). The other weird thing is that I actually ran into a member today at the coffee shop. Bizarre.

I'm beginning to wonder if it's time to start "unpacking" it...or something. (??)

Or not.

btw - if there are any readers out there's not all bad...don;t let this post scare you...some of it was so funny I was laughing out loud quite hard. Especially the part about 'Jesus drinking gin out of the cat dish' because of all the 'fucking hypocrites'. yeah - quite a bit of profanity over a certain span of time...but really really funny in parts. At least I thought so...but I did write it...Ok - now i sound like a complete weirdo. Awesome.

It's late. I'm bombed.



Adrienne said...

Hey got your little response to my post. Thanks, I hope to hear from you very very soon!
Artist you might like is Yael Naim. She is Israli, look her up on itunes or myspace.

Lisa said...

i totally have your blog on RSS feed and will continue to blogstalk you now that you've back!

regarding what you wrote here ....once I was wandering around with my thoughts and thought about myself when I was a little kid, like in my mind I had a meeting between adult me and 7 year old me, and it filled me with this totally strange, overwhelming and almost frightening wave of *compassion* for 7-year-old me. It was so strange, "compassion for myself" ....but I think it was maybe a hint of how God actually feels about us. So this makes me think that you're going through something really positive at the mo'.

Also, Chuck gave ma copy of "Grade Six" by *you*, and I listen to it like once a day, it's so great.

hulia said...

Hey Ade an lisa!
will def check Yael out, adrienne - thanks!
Lisa - wo. Embracing the lost 7 year old. So Jungian! Pretty profound. Thanks much for sharing - makes me feel a little less freaky! So jelous of your Paris adventure. love that city.