Friday, September 22, 2006

"Life's a gas" - C. Andersen

There is a lot of venting about to happen here. You have been warned.
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What should i do???

Please read and let me know. I don't care who you are. I need help.

Just when you think things could'nt get any worse.....

....this Tuesday our gas got shut off. We got the little green slips in the mail letting us know. No joke. It was due to late payments and minimum payments. Cold showers and no stove. It's all about giggles and fun here at the Catholic Worker.
(It's very coooold in here right now.)


Thankfully it will be back on hopefully some time tomorrow. We have been charged a crazy amount of money that we can't really hope to pay (fully, that is)...we are required to pay the balance within 2 weeks or we will get sgut off again! So Don sent out a mass email basically begging everyone and anyone for help. We have recieved some generous emails from people who want to send money...and other kinds of help. How nice.

And as per usual, my name wasnt mentioned in the damn email. Which I think is the straw that is breaking the camels back. After a year of living in this house, living through the burn out of 2 co-workers, being the only one left in this house, having survived 9 months of insanity, kidnappings, crack users, shootings, theft, a lot of "grinning and bearing it", feeling virtually invisible on this block, putting my mental and many times physical health at risk, having to ask all residents in my house to leave and the subvsequent madness, and more recently living through undoubtedly the worst/hardest 2 months I think I have ever experienced which i won't get into cause if i do I might barf. ( i could generally go on for a long time here - but i'll spare all the details)...all this for the sake of the community....and then finally when things get so bad that a desperate plea for help has to be sent out...I'M NOT EVEN MENTIONED IN THE FUCKING EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!! Every time i think the worst is over...the pit just keeps on deepening.

I know by now many of you might be asking: why am i still here?
What has this community really given to me outside of some major melt-downs and feelings of complete isolation, and the real kicker: the total ravageing of my spiritual and creative life?

I guess i just wanted so badly to salvage something good out of a very wrong situation. I want to be able to do some of the things I've dreamt about doing here. I want something to show for all the work and tears and pain of this year...something good...something beautiful and life-giving. But I'm too tired to do anymore dreaming.

One of the hardest parts about all of this, is that after all of this I can't even say that I have made very many true and lasting friendships/relationshpis. ironically that is what a community is supposed to be about. I can think of 3 people, and for those I am very thankful...but I keep asking myself...has all this been worth it for that?

In Conclusion: I do really want to leave. Thats the truth. But i don't know where to go or what to do from here.
I'm afraid of the overwhelming bitterness that may ensue as a result of doing all this work and having to leave without doing anything I really wanted to do. I just feel so worn out and under valued and unappreciated.

I feel like an old piece of garbage that has been chewed up and will soon be spat out.
I FEEL USED.

what should i do? ? ? ?
how do i know if i should leave...or if i need to stick this out. if you have an opinion...please give it?

5 comments:

Nicholas Greco said...

I say quit. I know that could be a hard decision, but life is hard anyway. No need to make it harder. As for what to do after this, I probably can't be much of a help with that. Move back to Ottawa? Go back to school? I know that the future is hard, and it's hard to figure out what's right.

All I know, and I'm way outside of your context right now, is that you have been having trouble for a while now (at least, that's what I read in your blog). You're too precious (I say that in a friendly and sincere way) to be ground down. So don't be ground down. I'll pray for you. Be well.

4ever29 said...

Julia
There is a big difference between being submissive and a doormat. Even in the realm of Christian service there is abuse of resources, people and emotion. Sounds like you have nothing let to give. I belive that true Christian service comes from the overflow of an already full cup. If you are not full you need to figure out how to fill yourself up. I'm not saying it's up to someone else to fill you, I'm saying you need to nurture yourself before you can truly feed others. I will pray that God will give you clear answers to your questions. There's always Vancouver.

Rachael Pankratz (Gingerich)

hulia said...

Thanks Rachael and Nicholas...2 long lost friends! I hear the wisdom in both of your posts...and I am thinking long and hard about my needs right now. Thanks so much for praying...please continue to..
hope all is well in your worlds.
-jc

Leah said...

Julia! I had a dream about you at the worker last night! I have no advice (and if I did give you advice from a random dream you probably should not listen to it). I think the dream means I should pray. So yes. I will pray about this. In fact, I did pray as I was biking to work this morning. And I think whoever 4ever29 is gave you really good advice.

Lisa said...

I will also rule.

You're the most badass girl I know.

Also, I think you should leave. Is going home to Mom and Dad an option? For me, that's where I like to go between "things."