It's Friday afternoon in June... and there are about a million things that I could/should be doing. But instead I am hibernateing in my room reading, lying around, checking my email and ignoreing the telephone. Good times. And so - I decided it was awhile since my last post.
I spent last week in Newfoundland. Left on very short notice due to my Poppy being quite sick. I hadnt been there in three years - since my grandmothers funeral...so I decided to go knowing that I really wanted to see him before he dies. Turns out he took a turn for the better and he is actually doing really well in his new home.
It was a good week there. Nice to be in a place where the pace of life seems so much more natural and less frantic. And the air so clean!! I took many long walks in/around the city and along the paths there. The beauty of that land never ceases to amaze me.
Upon returning I have been feeling more and more unmotivated concerning the things in my life I should feel motivated about...like my new job(s) at PNC, like life here at the worker....I just feel a bit blank about life and work. Where I should feel exited I only feel dread.
I have been craving a simpler life - a life free of endless striving and work and searching for and long lists of commitments and endless streams of people and needs and demands etc etc etc. I wonder if my energy has just run out.
Or if my desires for what I really want out of life are slowly emergeing out of a heap of responsibility that I want nothing to do with anymore.
I wish I knew what I wanted. I feel that if I knew that I would do whatever it takes. Maybe life really is too short to be fullfilling obligations and ignoreing true desires. I wish my calling and my desires would run into each other and meet. major clarification of what I am called to do and be is in order.
Don telling me about his friend Sara, who is going to India to finish her studies on Tabla and to learn how to sing in that beautiful way...when I heard about that something in me longs for that kind of life of discovery and plungeing into experiences. I felt the same way when I heard about Jeremy packing up his car and moving to Newfhoundland to study ethnomusicology. Something in me aches for that. To forget everythting and do something that is just for me...to experience life in its fullness...to follow my own instinct - purely.
I think that turning 30 is actually bringing on a whole lot more bigger life questions than i was anticipateing. Damn it all to hell!!! ;)
I should stop here before my head gets fuzzy and my brow permanently furrowed.
These are big questions.
and I'm hungry.