Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Drifter

It's been over a month since my last post so I thought it was time for a wee update.

I've been in Ottawa for 2 weeks. It's been good. But upon reflection...I think I probably should've gone somewhere farther away. Somewhere hot. Somewhere "other". Oh Well. I guess Cuba will have to wait.

Jim has been released! Wow. Apparently the community has been in a state of elation. Wish I could have been there.

After a pretty harrowing and overly busy 5 months - I was kindof hoping to get some needed clarity and rest over the course of the month. I think it's safe to say that I've had a lot of physical rest...and mental rest to some extent.
But I feel as far from really "rested " as ever.
I think that removeing myself from my overly active life over the past month has only helped to surface some pretty core issues that I was doing a really good job of not dealing with - or ignoreing.

I think this pretty much sums it up for me right now:
Who am I? Where is my home?

I realize that these are questions that, if asked honestly enough, will probably never be fully answered in this life. To some extent we are always searching for who we are...and for our true home. It doesnt end and wrap up into a neat little conclusion. at least mine sure as hell does not.

For me, at this stage in my life, these questions are particularly painful ones, as I feel very homeless...both spiritually and actually. I feel that I don't really fit anywhere right now. I feel that I am experienceing a crisis of identity. All of the things I used to depend on to provide me with some kind of safety, security, comfort...even joy - just don't work anymore....nothing works. It is like some rug has been pulled out from under me....and I'm left drifting.

I didnt think that living at the worker would quite literally cause me to feel - homeless. And yet - in some sense that is exactly what has happened. Maybe it is a good thing. Maybe that is the whole point.
If that is the case - it still fucking sucks.

...a very uncomfortable and sad place to be. I'm impatient with the copeing mechanisms of other people. I'm frustrated that I have few people in my life right now, if anyone, who can fully understand or relate to what I am experienceing....and I don't even have the energy to try and expain it. (oh - did I mention ? I'm also eating like a pig.)

Really it comes down to this (and here is the harsh rub) - WHO CARES? who really cares that Julia feels homeless?? People, no matter who they are, usually only care about what directly affects them. Sad but true.
Quite honestly, i'm tired of trying to feel understood when it never ever works anyway and I on;y end up feeling more isolated.

So what to do? I feel like I've been gagged. Without the ability to talk about this strange transformation that is happening in me. No one wants to hear about this kind of pain and confusion...so I'll go bakc to my life and go about my business and be present to others and yada yada...but who is there to care about ME - what I am feeling??

i feel very alone and a bit confused and very alien in a world that couldnt care less.
Yes - I feel sorry for myself. No i do not feel bad about it.

peace,
-Julia

2 comments:

Lisa said...

ah yeah, I think I know that feeling. The thing is that it's right then that Jesus walks with you and understands how you feel. But it's a tough one to believe.

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