Friday, February 24, 2006

Revolution of this heart

"The greatest challenge of the day is: How to bring about a revolution of the heart, a revolution that has to start with each one of us?" -Dorothy Day

Here's a strange thing:
Yesterday morning i was waking down my street, the sun was ablaze, the birds were tweeting and all was well....until i got to the corner of King and Close, and a woman 2 yards away from me starts running after this random man with a huge shard of glass in her hand trying to stab him! And this in front of all these school children! It was like a bad scene from a chuckie movie. Thankfully, after a bunch of people jumped on her it was all good...nobody was hurt. If it werent so horrifying it would have been helarious as she was yelling the whole time "I'm an undercover narrcotics officer you mother#%@#ing sons of bitches!!" Needless to say, this was clearly not the case.

These are the people in your neighborhood.
They're the people that you meet

In other news...
I have decided to take a break for a much of a break as i am able. Have been recognizing that I'm running on less than fumes - and it's time for a serious rest. Which i am looking forward to. I get to spend one whole glorious week alone in Shelleys apartment while she is at Loyola..then back to Zac's for 5 days...and then off to Ottawa for 2 whole weeks. yipppeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Since entering into the Catholic Worker world and living in Zacchaeus House, this house of hospitality, I have:
-had moments of beauty never before experienced.
-observed myself at my shining best and my ugliest worst.
-observed others at thier shining best and ugliest worst.
-felt whole and accepted in a way i did not think was possible.
-have experienced inner poverty like never before.
-have loved and been loved beyond reason and logic.
-have been so lonely i have almost doubled over from the pain of it.
-have had moments of blissful happiness in arms of community and around the table that we share
-have been a student of my masters - the true teachers: the poor and the dis-placed.
-have realized that i am also just as poor and displaced
-have questioned myself and my abilities and my calling, as a human, as a christ-follower, like never before.
-have seen depths of conceit in myself that has shamed me

SOmetimes this is a terrible and beautiful place to be. Sometimes it seems like too much to handle. SOmetimes it seems like the rest of the world is too much to handle. It seems the longer I am here the more i think the the society I am a part of is a sinking ship that is unaware of the depths to which it has sunk - and is sinking. And most of my peers are buying into the isolation, the oneupmanship, the dog-eat-dog mentality even if it is dressed up as poiliteness or religion or intellectualism or spirituality or what have you. I myself have bought into it. We are all so full of fear, we are all unsure of who we are, and we are all so afraid to fess up to it....because we lack the experience of true community. We will not allow oursleves to be held by the other. We live in a world where vulnerability is scorned and we therefore are are not allowed to unveil our true selves.
The other day a dear and wise friend and community member said something to me...his words and his eyes pierced me when he said:
"Julia, I don't think you have learned how to recognize your beauty. You are still in hiding"

I don't want to live up to some ghostly standard. I don't want to live in accordance with anyone else's standard. I want to be Julia (Whoever you are who is reading this...I want you to be you. It's a tought job, but who else is going to do it?) Living here has been one giant and terrifying step out of hiding. I will learn. Slowly. Painfully. Joyfully.


Monday, February 13, 2006


recovered old photos of a singing girl..thanks Dad.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

banners, activist dreams, pad Thai

Today was a busy day:

photos of the demonstration

Morning into early afternoon:

At 7:30 am I found myself in front of a courthouse on University avenue, ironically right across from the US consulate, in a demonstration supporting the appeal of Brandon Hughey, who lives with me/us at Zac's House. For a little back-ground info: Brandon (and Jeremy Hinsman) are war resisters appealing the federal court to send thier fight to stay in Canada back to the immigration and refugee board which has already denied thier claims.

They are both American war resisters who are AWOL.
They have sought political asylum in Canada, and have been in an on-going fight to stay on the grounds that they were avoiding a war that violates international human rights and which therefore is illegal.

Anyhoo...we went along with a whole crew of the war resister campaign and we dutifully held up our Toronto Catholic Worker banner and stood in proud support of our friends. It was a bright moment in what has seemed like a rough time lately...all of us hundled in the cold hopping around, trying to keep warm, holding our signs, drinking our felt good to be together supporting Brandon...and Jeremy. I only wish I had gotten into the dang court room!!

Then....Don and I had a great conversation afterwards about activism and my own specific feeling about the kind of activism I want to be more involved in: empowering the urban poor...empowering them and trying to help organize the urban, street involved to empower each other - to take thier own power organize themselves to build thier own functioning communities.....trying to flesh out my ideas...not even sure if some of them are even possible. It is always inspireing and life- giving talking to Don about such things....he is a big dreamer and he is always ready to engage my crazy ones! I am honoured to be working with him. We threw around ideas and thoughts. Some of which i need to start researching...but these are big topics for other blog enteries.

Then.... went to see the Harts (Pat Jill Ryan) new apartment - they are a family that just last week moved out of Zacs into a beautiful co-op. It was amazing to see them in thier new space - right by the water front and so beautiful. I miss them...especially little Ryan. The house is not the same without a child in it.

Then....ate at the 'Queen Mother' - on Queen (d-uh). I had the Pad Thai.It rocks there - and I read my book in a sunny corner. It was lovely.

Then.... I went to the NFB to check out some documentaries I have been meaning to see - one about the Gateway - the S.A shelter where I work - and a couple about Vancouvers East side.
One called "Heroines" about one photographers obsession with the women of the East side and he documents thier lives in his stunning photographs. He captures the soul and essence of these broken, beautiful women. It was amazing. There are a few others that i still need to see...but my time ran out.

Then....I went to my small group for the first time in what seems like forever. It was so great...Cindy cooked a fabulous meal, Pat brought donuts and sweets, Jeff broke out his electric massager that we all had a turn on (for real), we had an amazing time of worship. Then they put me in the middle of a circle and prayed for me! Without me even having to was such a huge massive encouragement to me. Especially during this time of burn-out/melt down that i now recognize I am experienceing. I must retreat soon. i can feel it. it needs to happen. Anyway - I love those amazing living room: Esther, Blake, Lisa, Pat, Mark, Jeff, Cindy, Rob. I am so glad i went tonight. I am so glad to have them as part of my life.

So's late and I should be sleeping. but wanted to record some of the events of my has been a good one.
peace out

Friday, February 03, 2006

warning ; explicit content

something i have been realizing: anger has alot of unruly energy attached to it.

something else i have been realizing: wow do i have alot of it.


she is justified in her sentence.
she will not be taken advantage of. she will not be commodified. she will not be toyed with. she refuses to placate and she will not play your game. she is well aware of the darkness of your shadow and it has become disgusting to her.
you arrogant fuck. you unbelievably self absorbed arrogant fuck.
wake up.
you mistake strength for weakness and weakness for strength. you misuse and abuse and lie to yourself - to others...and still honestly believe in the strength of your own illusions.
she is tired of your illusions. she is tired of the universe revolving around you. she is tired of you believing it.
she does not sympathize with you today. that is all over. she knows your cowardice. she almost laughs at your attempt at manipulation. she looks down at you as you moan and complain.
all she can think is what a sad sad little man you are.
all she can see is rage.

you picked the wrong woman to mess with.
you have no idea.
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