Monday, January 23, 2006

Nouwen on Community

this struck me hard today - so true to my experience "living" community here:

Community supported by Solitude
Solitude greeting solitude, thats what community is all about. Community is not the place where we are no longer alone, but the place where we respect, protect and reverently greet one anothers aloneness. When we allow our aloneness to lead us into solitude, out solitude will enable us to rejoice in the solitude of others. Our solitude roots us in our own hearts. Instead of making us yearn forcompany that will offer us immediate satisfaction. solitude makes us claim our center and empowers us to call others to claim theirs. Our various solitudes are like strong, straight pillars that hold up the roof of our communal house. Thus, solitude always strengthes community.

Friday, January 20, 2006

There's a warm wind a- blowing...

All of our wildest dreams have come true:

It's spring in January

Gone the snow drifts. Gone the big boots. Gone the frostbite. Winter has eluded us.
I'll not fool myself into thinking that it is gone for good. But for now I will immerse myself as completely as i can into this present reality. Global warming or no global warming. This rocks.

Glorious spring in the middle of winter.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

a big ham.

No - this is not a post about my ass. (heh heh heh har har)

It's Jenna's birthday (actually it was yesterday) and we are all celebrating together tonight around the table at Zac's. I am looking forward to it - as it's been kindof lonely around the house the past week - with a good chunk of the house being away right now. Anyway, Jenna's favorite thing to eat is Ham. I'm in charge of cooking it...with her supervision of course. So that is what I'm going out to buy this afternoon. A big Ham. I get to find a big meatshop to buy a big ham. Where does one find a big Ham? How does one cook a big ham? How did I ever find mysef in the position to buy and cook a big ham? These are the moments around here that make me laugh. It will be interesting, i'm sure.

I think I just really like saying "big ham" cause i think it's funny.
big ham big ham big ham big ham.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

sick AGAIN!

Woke up today with my sinuses completely clogged and my throat all scratchy.
I thought I had already been through all this! You'd think that a 10 days basically sleeping over Christmas would have nipped it in the bud. Apparently not.

Went out for breakfast with Rob K and dropped one of his little vitamin c pills into my water so that it became full of bubbles and bright orange. I may have to OD on those bad boys over the next week.

My room is also like a refrigerator. I think it's time to bring in the big guns....block we come!!

To end on a more positive note: I am grateful for bright sunny days.

Happy SUNday.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Global Warming and tears.

I guess it's really in effect now. I feel as if I'm being tricked into I need to plant flowers or something. It's so warm and beautiful outside....and it's almost the middle of January!!! I can't imagine how the birds feel. Pretty fucked up probably. I just really hope that we're not shovelling snow in April. That would bite. Hardcore.

had a day of "emotional leakage" on Tuesday...brought on by RS - his speaking at WBB was a reminder of everything I've been trying to forget order to function. Reminded of everything that has happened...all the stress and craziness and pain. Reminder that sometimes life is pain. It completely undid me. so so so so humiliating having mini emotional breakdowns in public. I truly hate that. Anyway. It was shocking even to myself as i've been feeling pretty on top of things lately. the psyche is a complex thing. it can file away alot..

So I hid away on campus and curled up in the sun and let my eyes quietly leak and leak and leak and then I slept deeply. And then i felt better.

Almost missed my first apointment with my spiritual director, though.
Which is a topic for another blog.

and now it's time to enjoy the sun. I love days like this.
peace friends,

Saturday, January 07, 2006

the shelter..

Worked another 12 hours at the shelter today.
A whole lot of men.
A whole lot of messy men.

Strangest thing is - i'm completely wierded out by how much I can relate to these guys...

I was saying to Shelley tonight...I think I relate to the self hatred. I almost wince writing it. But it's true.
The only difference between mine and thiers is that mine is dressed up - and I've found ways of copeing with it...manageing it.
In a wierd way it can be a relief for me to spend the day with a group of individuals who have absolutely nothing to prove....or at least...they have no need to keep up a pretense. It frees me to drop my own. Sometimes it's frustrating...but it's real. Often glareingly and painfully real.
And I really like most of them. I really appreciate who they are: strong strong people who don't recognize it.
I think i can honestly say that alot of them are stronger than i will ever be. You have to be to go through the kind of shit that they do and survive...and face each day...and even laugh and talk and...keep going.

One of them told me today that I have gained weight.
oh - the honesty.

must take shower and sleep.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Throw down your arms....

When we are free from the need to judge or condemn, we can become a safe place for people to meet in vulnerability, and take down the walls that separate them. Being deeply rooted in the love of God , we cannot help but invite people to love one another. When people realize that we have no hidden agenda's or unspoken intentions, that we are not trying to gain any profit for ourselves, and that our only desire is for peace and reconciliation, they may find the inner courage and wisdom to leave thier guns at the door and enter into conversation with thier enemies.

Our ministry of reconciliation most often takes place when we ourselves are least aware of it. Our simple, non-judgemental presence does it.

-Henri Nouwen

I spent a good part of yesterday evening at the police station....waited for them in the rain for an hour...rode in the back of the cruiser with M. for her to make a statement. She booked herslef into a shelter last week after she got kicked up the stairs...waited with her for a half hour on the bench in the station and the amount of people filing in and out of the place was crazy. The police for the most part are good folk trying to help...but there was so much "machise" going on that I didnt really want to leave her to deal with them alone. She's a tough cookie though, that one. I'm amazed at her ability to deal. If it were me I would break under the pressure...i'm quite sure.

I just had the overall sense of what it means to be lost in a system....the cold cold system.
So here's to a safe secure place to live. So here's to a solid support group in my life. So here's to the fact that I have never had to make a police statement. So here's to the fact that I have relative mental health....and financial security.


Wednesday, January 04, 2006

New year - ever so gentle.

It's uncanny the amount of inner peace i feel entering back into community life after the break.
I know it is sheer gift and grace...this peace and calm. A complete surprise, really...after the steady pace of hectic that December was.

We had the most relaxed meal together last night....ringing in the new year together - ever so gently...with laughter and the kids playing. Just enjoying one another. Simple as that.... and it was so good - i felt at home amongst family. i felt truly content.
Fun is on the agenda this month....I can hardly believe it but I am truly looking forward to the months ahead at Zac's. I was so amazed yesterday coming back from work at the un-rushed I felt. For the first time in a really long time things feel right. Maybe i should knock on wood. We'll see.

So here it comes: Have had a few conversations with people around new years resolutions. Those dang new years resolutions! I do feel like there are some things I want to work on. Maybe I should write some of them remind myself:

1) Self Care -
learning how to take time for myself in a healthy, more integrated way. Listening to music more...trying not to rush around as much...taking more baths...getting time to write and play at least one time a week. Just enjoying life and things that I love a little more. And valueing myself a little more.
2) Prayer -
want to learn to pray the rosary!! But the more important one...I want to have centering prayer a more regular part of my daily life. This will be difficult. No doubt - it is the most important thing I can do for myself actually. I know it will be the major piece that enables me to live life here fully and with the most joy. and the most sanity.
3) Living more in the present moment -
the biggie. pretty self explanatory.
4) The gym -
I've been avoiding this one like the plague. But I think I'm gonna have to start this winter. not just because of my growing ass - but for my mind as well. I hate the hibernation factor of winter. and i can't ride my bike through mounds of snow. it has to be done. yikes. Lord have mercy.

This will be the mantra for 2006: "THE PRESSURE IS OFF!"
Everybody - repeat after me: THE PRESSURE IS OFF!

>enter freedom.

peace folks,