It's a little after 10 - post church.
It's blowing up a storm here on the lake. I had to fight my way up the steps it was so windy.
I feel tired. And I wish I was out getting drunk somewhere. I seem to be having a slight pre-occupation towards getting drunk lately...it is starting to worry me.
Warning: feeling long winded.
It was good to be at FT tonight...as i feel like it has been quite awhile since I've seen some folks.. leading worship felt good - and a bit of a stress reliever....poor Chris...I think Todd scared the crap outta him...but hey - I did forwarn him.
talked with the ladies tonight about expectations...in life....to have them or not to have them...that is the question. I was saying that the problem with not (or at least trying not) to have expectations is that it can either lead you to some serious despair or aid you in becomeing completely invulnerbale. Like a rock - in the bad sense. But it can also leave you open to new things...things un-planned for....things unexpected. Like...for example...the Catholic Worker! Pat gave me a book tonight that I think is called 'a year at the catholic worker' that is some guys diary entries while he was at the worker in NYC. Gotta love that Pat. It's amazing hte relevant hings he finds at the Sally Anne.....but back to the problem of expectations....I guess sometimes I look at my life and have to ask "what the F?!" And I'm beginning to wonder if it will always be "career suicide" for me. Meaning - I walk in the directions I feel God pokeing me in...and they are rarely if ever...ones that I ever expected - or ones that seem obvious or smart. Which sometimes, quite frankly, kindof sucks. It doesnt always suck. Just sometimes. Just some moments. like right now. when I would rather be drunk than sitting in the big old house by the lake writing a blog entry. Or i would like to be in mexico.
man, I really really miss my Dad right now.
It's now almost 11oclock at night and I'm feeling tired and loopy and lonely and homesick and jonesing for a cigarette which I have to go out and buy cause I ran out. this entry is loseing any kind of coherency....if it had any to start with. So the next time i write anything here I vow to myself that it will be clear concise and have a point. ya. thats the ticket.
bye bye.
2 comments:
one week later and i'm sitting in my room, post-worship, post-sermon and wondering similar things.
why am i here?
what am i doing in school?
what the hell is coming next?
i don't know. and i wish i did. and i wish it would all work itself out. sure, i don't have blood and guts all over me. and if i'm honest, i'm probably exploring the garden i'm supposed to be.
but it's a big garden.
and a garden in which i'm actually quite lost. sometimes that's good. tonight, not-so-much. a beer in hand, and prepared for sleep i'm wondering why. simply why am i where i am, and really, where on earth am i going next?
yeah - isnt it wierd how sunday nights tend to bring on too many life purpose questions...but at least YOU had a beer!! this crazy no drinking policy in this house is killing me. and thanks again for the bass playing. pretty good for a guy who "doesnt play tha bass". whatEVer.
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