Friday, December 30, 2005

Last night of my official holiday....

since tomorrow i am going back to the big city -
with some fear and trepidation.

i've been here for 9 days. 9 relatively quiet lazy hazy days. it's been swell. other than the mack truck cold and phlegm. I have way too much crap to load onto the greyhound. it won't be pretty. i really wish i hadnt brought my guitar.

it's really hard to believe that we're headed into 2006. in, like, a DAY. yikes. 2006 - i feel like we should be using those jetson type cars now or something. :) You know the ones...they kindof hover above the sidewalk, and you just zoom along.
man - if only life were like that.

i finally bought myself a rosary today. my very own gorgeous rosary. I bought at St. Patricks. it is very beautiful. i feel like i've waited my whole life to buy this thing. too bad i don't know how to say it. that will be one of my new things to learn in 2006 - how to pray the rosary....or maybe i'll just make up my own prayers per bead....(my apologies to any catholics who may be reading this right now). Anyway - I am especially looking forward to Epiphany this year...maybe because I feel I may be on the verge of a few of my own.

actually now that I think of it - the trip home won't be that bad...what with the new cd's (Johnny Cash, Coltrane and thelonius Monk live at carnegie Hall, Sinead O'connors reggae - throw down your arms, Joni mitchell - politically charged tunes), and all that yummy new yarn for fresh knitting....and all the new books....yes - life is good.


good-bye fair Ottawa. Until next time.
over and out

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Props to the Carpenters...

So After looking over my last few blogs I was like - wow - how deeeepressing!

So - in the kitchy spirit of the's a little ditty. God, i love Karen Carpenters Christmas album...enjoy:

Come hear those sliegh bells jingleing
Ring-ting-tingleing too
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Let's hit the snow before us and sing a chorus or two
Come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up - let's go
Get on with the show
We're riding in a wonderland of snow

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up - it's grand
just holding your hand...
We're riding around in the scene of a wintery fairy land.

Come hear those sleigh bells jingleing
Ring-ting-tingleing too
Come on it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride
with you.

Merry Christmas to one and all.
Peace on Earth,

Friday, December 16, 2005

parties and sorrow and other things....

I'm in the parkdale library. taking a breather before the big Catholic Worker Christams party. It's ironic in a I am so not in the mood to "party". Get drunk - yes. Sing carols - no.

The tinsel is on the tree. the deserts are ready. Everyone has probably been scampering around getting ready..the presents are wrapped. I havnt been around much for the pre-festivities. I am hiding in the library. I think H bought me some plates to break.... yipeeee.

It's Christmas and the bad parts of me are surfaceing as life is consumed with others. we all have this utopian vision of what it means to be living in authentic community - doing hospitality - living for and with others - living out our ideals of a more just and whole society. Then theres the part where you wake up and realize that it is not all idealistic. It is mostly the hard realities of life slapping you in the face...the day in day out living with each other...having to smile when all you feel like doing is crying - and sometimes doing that too.

I was thinking about all these things last night as we sat down around the table to eat our meal. I noticed the 'Gollum' in me come out as M was asking me for the fifth time to get her something - a glass of milk - more beans - 3 more peices of chicken - etc. and I hadnt starting eatign yet...I was grumpy and tired and emotionally spent...and I was stuffing the urge to literally FREAk out. And then I thought about what M said about what it is we really do here...more than the activism and talk and work and idealism etc:
What we do is attend to each other.
And sometimes very badly. We attend to all our sometimes cleverly hidden disfunction...and wierdness...and tempers..and exhaustion...and need. so much need.

I keep having to remind myself to try and be easy on myself...what with the hostage taking, the vigiling, the decapitated head at the end of the street. Nerves are frazzled way beyond the normal frazzles...and lately i've been forgetting about that. We are being daily confronted with the hard nugget of human pain and suffering. It is a hard thing to keep facing sorrow at it's most vulnerable and raw.

Party time.


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I should be in bed.

When i got here I had so much stuff I wanted to get out...and's all escaped. Poof - gone.


I feel there are so many fundamental questions that are needing answers. God - I hate the word "fundamental". And yet...

What is my place here? What am i called to do here? What are we called to do here? Why am I here in this place at this time? Why do I feel do angry all the time lately? How do i stay true to who I am right now without flipping out? Where is peace?

I need to understand my own limits and boundaries...but am so exhausted...that I have no idea how to even start to do that. I need nourishment....deep nourishment of the order to be present - and some kind of source of nourishment for others in this this house... but am i even called to be that right now?

I guess i just think that I should be or feel so much stronger than i do. I want to do the best job I can. But I am so burdened with a sense of all prevadeing resentment...and I barely know where it's coming from...or what to make of it.

i just don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to reconnect with the reasons I came here in the first place. i know there is so much pressure on all of us right now....and things are difficult...I'm so afraid of getting swallowed up in these bad feelings.

A prayer to the God of my life:

When tender was the night...
You came with Joy.
And this is what I am asking of you this night:
And maybe patience and maybe trust and maybe safety.
And maybe so many more maybe's
Help me. Help us.


Sunday, December 11, 2005

If you can't take the heat.....

than stop reading.

It's amazing how difficult it is to have a blog when you live in community.

I'm realizing as I write this that
a) I'm paranoid that someone may walk in here at any moment and see what I'm doing
b) any sense of being anonomous (i have no clue how to spell that word) is now gone like the wind - I can even feel it as I write this. which is really kindof sad. for me. It's killed the fun...of just expressing...but it is on the "world wide web" so it is my own fault. I awknowledge that.

that being said I will try my best to pretend that people I live with have not read this thing....and try to vent as much as i am able.
A note to those reading this who live with me: and if you live with me and you are reading this....if you request... please try and pretend that you are not reading about - this is someone else....let's call her...."Beulah"....beacsue i want to still maintain some freedom in this. Some sanctity.
oh ya - one more thing - I dont want to know if your reading this. So please don't tell me if you are.
thanks. ;)

So - all of the sudden I feel very uninspired.

Anyone who may be reading this - who doesnt live with me - this is a little window into what it is like to be living very closely with many intentional community. Welcome to the jungle.
It's not conducive to blogging.
because for some reason - even though we are surrounded with each other 24-7....we STILL want to read each others blogs!? And to think - that we barely have any privacy to begin with!!!!!!!!!!

when one really stops to think on's pretty warped. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we could use a little less "intention".
This is exactly how I feel right now:
COuld you intentionally intentionally intentionally. keep your dirty little wiggly fingers to yourself. leave me alone alone alone because the earth is ablaze and spinning and reeling and how how how is it that all anyone can think about is body and sweat and the lust of the eyes and fading fading fading beauty that never lasts longer than that...never longer than the evaporation .....please please I am not a bulwark I am a tottering fence and I need space to breath...deeply...and I am not so strong. Fuck.
because the earth is on fire and me along with it. I am not a wellspring. I am not something to be trampled. i have no resources left. none. I am empty. There is nothing here. There is nothing to draw. So get what you need somewhere else.

"I will make all things well. I can make all things well. I shall make all things well. And all shall be well".

Sunday, November 27, 2005


I've been in Ottawa for 5 days. Taking a breather from life in the big city. from life in the big crazy community.

Since I've been here...been dealing with the re-ocurring theme...of the value and beauty of music.
My mom played for me a song by a jazz/fussion artist - a trumpet player - by the name of Terrence Blanchard...I think...

Anyway - we were driving down the parkway, and she was playing this song off of the CD - a song called "Flow". I was overcome with the beauty of it - it took me to another place...a place I so badly needed to go.
And I realized as we were driving in the car and silently listening - hardly breathing - that making beautiful music is a service. It struck me like a hard blow. It's a humble service to the world. And it is badly open the eyes of our eyes and the ears of our ears. I think I have forgotten about that these past few months...with commitments coming out the wa-zoo and the details of life leaving little time to be ravished by a song...seemingly 'more important' things to do. I have forgotten about the beautiful vocation and service of the musician. was all energy and passion and life and utter selflessness which Terrence Blanchard was chanelling through his trumpet. he was a true conduit.
How do I live my life right now in a way that honours this part of me? this is the question always looming.

Soooo - my god-daughter, Cadence, is a dream. i love her....really love her. she's so full of wonder right now. it makes me want to enter back into the infant world. the scarf I knit her looks smashing on her. and tres cool.

my apologies for the spelling. I've never been one to care enough.

10-4 good buddy,

Sunday, November 13, 2005

it was a blustery Sunday night....

It's a little after 10 - post church.

It's blowing up a storm here on the lake. I had to fight my way up the steps it was so windy.

I feel tired. And I wish I was out getting drunk somewhere. I seem to be having a slight pre-occupation towards getting drunk is starting to worry me.
Warning: feeling long winded.

It was good to be at FT i feel like it has been quite awhile since I've seen some folks.. leading worship felt good - and a bit of a stress reliever....poor Chris...I think Todd scared the crap outta him...but hey - I did forwarn him.

talked with the ladies tonight about have them or not to have them...that is the question. I was saying that the problem with not (or at least trying not) to have expectations is that it can either lead you to some serious despair or aid you in becomeing completely invulnerbale. Like a rock - in the bad sense. But it can also leave you open to new things...things un-planned for....things unexpected. Like...for example...the Catholic Worker! Pat gave me a book tonight that I think is called 'a year at the catholic worker' that is some guys diary entries while he was at the worker in NYC. Gotta love that Pat. It's amazing hte relevant hings he finds at the Sally Anne.....but back to the problem of expectations....I guess sometimes I look at my life and have to ask "what the F?!" And I'm beginning to wonder if it will always be "career suicide" for me. Meaning - I walk in the directions I feel God pokeing me in...and they are rarely if ever...ones that I ever expected - or ones that seem obvious or smart. Which sometimes, quite frankly, kindof sucks. It doesnt always suck. Just sometimes. Just some moments. like right now. when I would rather be drunk than sitting in the big old house by the lake writing a blog entry. Or i would like to be in mexico.

man, I really really miss my Dad right now.

It's now almost 11oclock at night and I'm feeling tired and loopy and lonely and homesick and jonesing for a cigarette which I have to go out and buy cause I ran out. this entry is loseing any kind of coherency....if it had any to start with. So the next time i write anything here I vow to myself that it will be clear concise and have a point. ya. thats the ticket.

bye bye.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

My butt

So fall is in all her favorite time of year....and all I can do is obsess about the size of my ass.

yes. pathetic. But i swear that it is growing exponentially. It is actually scaring me. I feel like a very frumpy old lady with an ass that is getting really outta control...kindof like that girl in Willie Wonka - the one that grew into a giant blueberry. Thats kindof how I feel.

My ass is growing and a huge oversized grotesque.....blueberry!!!!! ok - that sounds really wierd. But I feel like a freak of nature. Who will love me with an ass that keeps multipling itself???? Wow. What a humiliating entry. Maybe it's a woman thing. Maybe it's an 'I'm almost 30' thing. Everytime I catch a glimpse of it - it being my backside in general - in the mirror I have to gasp and look away. And I am even wearing Black pants today. Don't believe all the hype about black being a slimming colour. All lies I tell you. ALL LIES!!!!!

you, dear reader, may think I'm overreacting. Maybe... But please don't try and placate me with a gentle "it's all in your head - your ass looks fine." because I can no longer fit my favorite belt around my growing hips. And that, my friend, is serious....inDEED.

Hmmmm....So. i'm normally one of the most un-self concious woman i know about things of this this is slightly out of charachter. I think the ass rant is over now. Until i get slammed with another wave of growing butt phobia. and believe's a phobia.

over and out,

Monday, October 31, 2005

Random poem

it doesnt matter the words you say
it it only matters the softness of your touch

the only thing that matters is the warmth of a hand on a back
the only thing that matters is the way that I look at you
and the way you look at me

i look at you as if I had given birth to you
i look at you as if you were my own child
like that
to look at you with mercy = my womb aches for the loss of you

i met a man who told me that he wants to move to China and change his identity....change his first and last name - wipe everything out. He told me that it is possible for him to be lost unto this world.....and to put to death the man that he is - where no one will ever find him. He told me he can be a brand new man.

"I can be reborn" he whispered to me with fire in his eyes. "I can be reeeee - born...."

Two hours later I saw him again - he was smoking a butt...and he looked at me and told me he changed his mind and said he was going back to Nova Scotia instead. I told him that I was glad he wasnt going to change his identity because if I happened to be in China and i spotted him it might be uncool for me to disclose his former identity. He laughed - but his eyes were cold. the fire was gone. I should've told him that I didnt want him to be lost unto this world.

Happy Halloween.

Monday, October 17, 2005


Yep - that is what has suddenly become if my's gone from pretty non eventfull to totally nutty....sheer craziness....and no computer which is driving me \bonkers. As i writethis from my music School owners computer.

Theres just something uncool about blogging from the Toronto public library. don't getme wrong - I'm a big fan of the library...but sheesh.

So in the past 2 weeks i have been trying to adjust to a totally different set of life circumstances...and it has been extremely challenging. i think one of the most challenging and wierd times in my life to date. I hadnt the slighest clue what the heck I was getting myself into when I decided to live in community here at the worker....but hey - you on;ly live once right!
Whats interesting as well is that being surrounded by people 24-7 brings about it's own kind of lonliness which i\ have never experienced until now. But Anyway - life is jammed with activity and I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed and weeded (as they say in the restaurant industry). Between open dinners, morning prayer, meetings, cooking meals, offering hospitality to random people, setting up house - a hundred little distractions....someone wantsthis - someone wants to talk....and then trying to have a life of my seems like a little too much at this stage. I hope i can do this thing called LOVE. It's one thing on's a whole other ballgame at 7am in the morning.

I'm right now loaded down with a very very unpleasant cold. I need hot liquid. pronto.
must go. And heres a shout out to Esther - if your reading this - Hey sister....i'm so glad someone reads my blog....especailly YOU! hehe.
peace out

Monday, October 03, 2005

I'm a Catholic Worker

So it's official as Catholic Workers can be...I am a catholic worker.

I am moved. and i feel in the wierdest twilight zone space ever. Very very very very very strange. Boxes everywhere in my room...people everywhere.... feel like I'm on mars.....CAn I handle this new life? Do I have any clue what I have gotten my self into? I think it's safe to say "nope". what the FUCK????!!!!>>>>????!!!!????!! What the fuck have I done???!!!!

sorry - I'm okay now. just had to release a little tension there. There is so much running through my head that I don't know where to start. I feel lost....and overwhelmed. But I guess that 'community' for ya. I'm sure the dust 'll settle. kindof. ooooo Lord have Mercy. Christ have Mercy. Lord have Mercy.

So other topics: on a lighter note...I was telling Lisa last night that I have a pleasant crush-like thingy which I havent had in what seems like a looong time. I had forgotten how nice it was to have a crush. A simple uncomplicated crush. I think i thought i had become a steel trap....impenetrable....sealed off....cold. And suddenly there are these vulnerable, wow-i-feel-like-a-twleve-year-old feelings.... and it's good to know that I'm not the fortress I thought I was. I can still feel. Yay for me.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Callender lady speaks!!!

So I had a moment this morning I won't soon forget:

Here's a bit of background info first....In 2 days we will be completely moved off of Callender Street - our home since I've lived in Toronto. And as Shelley and I were loading the car to move some of her boxes I was thinking about the Callender Street lady - who I have been watching closely these past three years. She lives in one of the 2 group homes on our street and she has never spoken in all of the time that we've lived there. I have been feeling sad about the fact that I've never had a real conversation with this woman who I have thought so much about. There is just something about her.....She shines far beyond her obvious brokenness....She is the patron Saint of forgotten girls. She has just had this hard edge about her that has always held us at arms length....I have been so compelled by her that I even wrote a song about moving wish was to speak to her before the move.

So as I was getting my bike this morning - this woman - who most often walks on the other side of the street in order to avoid her neighbors....stops in front of me with her sacs coffee in hand - turns and faces me with a huge smile (she rarely smiles) and says (almost yells) "Hello!!! How are you?? And how is your puppy?" I almost felll over in shock. And when i composed myself I told her that I didnt have a dog...and then she told me that I look just like another lady she sees who has a big brown dog. She thinks we're twins....Anyway - it may seem small - but it is actually one of the biggest most beautiful gifts I've recieved in a long time. I could not have thought of a better or more appropriate parting gift. ...thanks GOd.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

new song just written...

i'll stop at nothing
just to get to you
i'll bang down the doors
i'll crash through the roof
i will walk for days
in the scorching heat
i'll lay my body down
prostrate at your feet

because i really need you like a father
come to me
i need you to feed me like a mother
come to me
I am helpless. helpless
I am like your little child again.
because I really need you like a father
i need you to feed me like a mother
because I really need you like my father
i need you to feed me like my mother
come to me come to me come to me.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Baton Rouge

Long time no write...

Just arrived back from a week in Baton Rouge, Louisianna - part of one of the many small bands of people trying to bring a small bit of relief to a place that is seeing so little of that these days. dark days for the deep south. It's hard right now to think that what we accomplished was anything more than a teeny tiny drop in the bucket....actually...that is exactly what it was. But I would go back and do it all over again anyway.

It's been a bit overwhelming to process everything and part of me wants to hop on a bus and plant myself there for the next 6 months...

A lament needs to be written for Louisianna. I never imagined in a million years that I would feel this much love for the southern United States. Who knew?? I think it's a humanity thing. It's the realization that it could so easily be me living on a matress in a makeshift shelter with 8000 other people and only one shower...ONE SHOWER!!!!! It could be me who has lost my home, my job, members of my family, virtually everything familiar to me.....85 babies in a hospital in Louisianna with nobody to claim mothers would pass them off franticallly to helicopters in order to save them.....old ladies cowering in thier closet as trees swirl and crash in around them....a young security guard chain smoking after a day of watching bodies being dragged from a river....young men and women looking through boxes of old clothes to find underwear for thier children....hours lining up for food - for ice - for help help help/

But there is hope. I saw it. The city will be rebuilt....and there will be dacning again on the streets of New Orleans.


Saturday, August 20, 2005

almost fall

The past couple of days have that slight chill and certain specific smell that is always the froeshowdow of fall. And how I am looking forward to it. Enough of all this sweat and salt and frenzy and squinting.

this moist and grey makes me ache for the East coast....for my dead nanny's and my ageing poppys. How I miss all of them. I have been such and absent grand-daughter.

What a wierd summer it has been. like some kind of wierd isolation....too much time to sit and think. think think think in circles and circles and circles. Last night I decided - at least in one area of my life - to stop the thinking and "set my face like flint". The decision: The move into the Catholic Worker house in October. It is done. I will go. Time to set the fear aside..and just do it.

I have been more fearful about life this past month than any other time I can remember. Not a surface fear but a much deeper more subtle fear. I think it's all this impending change. But somehow - sitting in the coffee shop last night - I remembered all the things I had forgotten - some of the reasons I ever thought about it in the first place....all of the great things that can come of a life altering move like this. And I finally feel a little more hope than dread. I look forward with hope to this new life.

I'm praying for a courage I have not known yet. I feel so much like Gideon....testing God at every turn - not believing I am who He says I am...feeling the least of my clan/tribe/family and the most powerless and vulnerable - wondering how God can ask anything of a whimpy dweeb like me. But I think God is nutbar in that way. He seems to always asks the whimpy dweebs to do things that require uncommon courage. and I'm too tired to fight this anymore. This whimpy dweeb gives up. Off to Close Ave I go. I wish i was stronger. I really do.

Brother Roger died on Tuesday night at the hands of a crazed woman. He died during a prayer service in the church in Taize. I keep having images of his white Robe stained with so much blood...and the brothers havong to carry him out. It has been so so hard to process. But tragically enough - the event has brought a certain kind of clarity to me. About the fact that Peace is beautiful and worth every kind of sacrafice - even in the face of unimaginable pain and sadness....and I want ot be a part of a movemet towards that. In some way.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005


I think I mentioned in my last post about my dream to live in a lighthouse for a prolonged period of seems I've been a bit obsessed with this idea since coming back from France. However my internet searches on real operating lighhouses have not really yeilded anything up until recently.

I ran across this music education program that was started in Michigan by this singer songwriter dude. Anyway - it was called "Lighthouse Lyrics" and the kids took trips to Lighthouses on the great Lakes and then wrote songs about them! So I wrote this guy and told him about my big dream to live in a lighthouse and asked him if he might have any leads. Today I got an email from him telling me to call him because he has a friend who does documentarys who has an "idea"! It's a little wierd and mysterious. I have a feeling that will be an intersting stay tuned...

Anyhoo - not much else has been happening. I am spendiing the most part of my days searching jobs on the net and writing cover letters. From past expereicne it doesnt lead anywhere and after alot of wasted effort I end up working at a place like "The Armadillo Texas Grill". I'm beeseeching (is that how you spell that?) the Almighty that he spare me that fate just his once. Anything but that....anything but the dreaded food service industry. pleeeease.

been doing a few dates with Sharon this month so it has been good to at least be playng somewhere. We will be playing a show in Ottawa next week so that will be nice. I think I will spend soem extra time there as well.

so yeah - thats my life. thrills'n'chills.
keep on rocking in the free world.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

The Beauty of Wynona...

That is the title of a Daniel Lanois album...that Doug lent me this week. It is extraordinary. It is so beautiful....mysterious....wistful - haunting at times. Listening to it, for me, is a bit like drinking a really tall glass of water on a really hot day. It quenches something. It is satisfying.

That is the kind of music I would like to make. The kind that satisfies...for those few who do take the time to really listen.

Life is funny right now. I feel like the captain of the ship that is my life - and I can steer it in any direction that I want. it is kindof exiting. and I'm not as scared of the unknown as I used to be. at least today i'm least not this second.

it's all about letting go. letgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgolet
O to be a computer engineer!

I have a dream to live in and operate a lighthouse for 6 months. How whacky is that??!! but it is something I really want to do! I've always been inrigued by them. I think it;s the Newfoundlander in me. While i'm in my lighhouse I'd like to record music and call the recording "the Lighthouse Sessions".

peace OUt

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Hot as Hell

Presuming Hell is hot...maybe hell is really really cold instead...I actually have doubts as to whether it really exists except inside our minds (and sometimes our actions. Zoiks).

Back from France. what a hootenany. okay - thats not quite the word I would use to describe it...but good times nonetheless.. good good times

I feel as if I dug myself out from under four years worth of junk...and now I can get on with the business of living.

I realized I have not been enjoying life as much as the French seem that is something that must be remedied ASAP.

I came to see that being as shrewd as a snake but as light as a dove may be alot more fun than I ever anticipated.

the future is open
nothing is final
simplicity leads to solidarity
people are beautiful
unity inside of diversity points the way to freedom
everything is being made new
I can trust myself
where my deepest desire is, there God is
it's important to just 'be' - it's important to just 'do'
god can only give his love
beauty always hides a message...but I must make the choice to stop, look and listen to what it wants to say to me.

this is some of what I learned. hopefully. ;)

peace, -jc

Thursday, May 19, 2005

29 in Paris

Ionly have 9 minutes left on thius thing so
it is my birthdqy and i am in Paris.
Paris, France.
a little hard to believe.
feel a bit lonely tonight.
think i will go to the eiffle tower to end my day;

bonne anniversaire to me


Thursday, May 05, 2005

Parks in Parkdale...

Today was one of the first days since our warm spell a couple of weeks ago - where it was kindof springish again.

So bieng newly unemployed...i spent about an hour in a little park on Dunn, right off of my book and sipped my Coffee Time. It was very nice. And also pretty amazing the amount of people that walked past me over an hour period. A crazy mess of humanity seemd to be walking across my path

...first there was a pregnant woman and her friend . the pregnant women sat down on the bench near me and just starting wailing - crying so loudly - and then she just pulled herslf together after some reasuring hugs from the friend and they went on thier way silently. Then there was this olderlady with a bag of bread crumbs making sure she covered every corner of the park - for the pigeons and birds...she seemed very happy, wore purple sunglasses and was very thorough with her work. Then there was a couple carrying boxes through the park - presumeably from the large apartment building facing it..they seemed tired. Then came 2 Jamaican women who sat on a nearby bench and they must have talked over every person in the entire neighborhood... then there was this Dad pushing along a Double stroller, and as he was walking he was entertaining his one little girl by playing a game in a very loud sing songy voice "Where is Daddys nose? Here is Daddys nose! Where are Daddys eyes? Here are Daddys eyes!" etc. I found that one the most enjoyable....because he was so wrapped up in his daughter that nothing else mattered. There were various other people who passed by portly older gentleman who stopped, looked at me and said "yes - the perfect day to be sitting on a park bench reading a book". And right he was.

The whole time all I could think those much I love this place. This place where I live. I love it's people. I love it's quirks. I love it's smells. I love it's greek food and it's Thai food. I love it's beer. I love it's children. I love it's sacs and even it's mentally ill. I love Parkdale.

From the park I went to NoFrills and bought a few things. Bumped into Braun, found out he lives in the neighborhood and we had a nice chat in the frozen foods section.

And a good day was had by all. Now I must try and plan my trip. yikes. I can feel my stomach tightening at the thought. But plan I must...just one cigarette first.


Saturday, April 23, 2005

Belle Paris...

Long time no write...

Latest and most exiting news is that i am off to Paris (France) as of May the 13th and will be staying there for three weeks. I have really made no firm plans as of yet. The only thing I know is that I plan on spending at least a week in Taize, which is an eccumenical monestary of sorts, whre I have stayed before. Anyway, I am pretty exited about it...but also a little freaked out by it....I think it's just been awhile since I've had a real vacation and the whole idea of it right now seems a little wierd. So far I have had three people either suggest or tell me that they think I should bring along my guitar...which seems like a pretty good idea - so I'm throwing that around right now.

In other news...I met our new baby neighbor today (i think his name is Malcom) and that was nice. It is always nice meetign a new baby. Our neighbors names are JJ and Lisa. I'm not sure what Lisa's daughters name is. Anyway - it was a nice encounter. Also a little strange as last night I had a very vivid pregnant dream.

April and Shelley have been gone for almost a week which means I have been alone for the most part. It has been kindof nice but there have been a few things happen to me this week where it would have been nice to have them to talk to.One major thing is concernign a man who i was actually interested in - first time in awhile - finding out that he is dating someone else. It was blow...I was totally clueless... and just made me feel very sad and confused and a bit humiliated. I think it has surfaced a whole host of other issues I feel that I'm faceing in my life right now....feelings of not being able to relate very well to my exisitng social circle....feelign like there needs to be some major changes but feeling powerless at the same time. Just feelign very "other". same old same old I guess. ;)

Despite the lonliness factor in dealing with some shitty circumstances this week, I have to say that I had a lovely dinner with Jen Mcnaughton and we had a really good time...I also had brunch with Jeff and Cindy - introduced them to my favorite breakfast spot, 'Easy'. Rochelle also came down to visit me and we went to the Ani Difranco concert and had a great time. Concert was swell. I also spent some amazing beautiful sunny afternoons walking down Roncessvalles and enjoying the flowers, the weather. Andto top it off tonight I plan on wearing my flannels, breaking open some red wine and wrapping myself up in a big blanket to watch the boob tube. There is really nothing else I would rather do on the rainy night. All that to say that it really has been a great week all in all.

Anyway - I think that pretty much all there is to say for now.

Monday, April 04, 2005

It is April...

After a long and yucky weekend...finally some sun.

I don't have too much to say right now. I have to leave very soon to teach...goinf to see 'THE HOLLOW' tonight with Jen McNaughton. It is a clown show about war. I'm pretty pumped to see it.

I feel like I have so much organizing of my life to do...that I feel a little over whelmed at it. But maybe it's all good. Maybe I really have nothing to worry about. Maybe I should try and enjoy this day.


Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Arcade Fire

This is a music blog.

Mike and Rochelle introduced me to what I think may be my new favorite band. They are from Montreal and they are called ARCADE FIRE. They burned me a copy of the CD (I will buy it - really i will) while I was in Ottawa and i listened to it one day while walking around in the market...i wasactually sitting in the middle of the big beautiful Notre DAme bassilica on the afternoon of Easter Sunday listening to the first song. And it was an intense and beautiful expereince.

Needless to say that it is rare that I hear something that inspireing. The kind of poignant- pain- that- is -almost- joy -but- also- choas -stream -of -conciousness kind of inspireing. Truly amazing.

My mom also bought for me Lucinda Williams - 'world without tears' as an Easter presnet. I found it at an adorable little bookstore in adorable little Almonte. I love that town. Her voice on this paricular album is scratchy and achingly raw. Just enough twang as well. Love it.

Another band that I will be listening closely too is a band called THE STARS. This particular album is called 'Set yourself on Fire'. The title alone is enough to make you fall in love. But they seem to also be a rare breed of pure beauty. Lovin it.

Maybe I should stop all the listenign and start creating. Ya. There's an idea. (?!)

Anyhoo, thats it for tonight.
"we - we will still need a song. to carry our love away. To carry it away." -h.workman

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Maundy Thursday...

It is Thursday of Passion week.

I was thinking that I havent posted in awhile. So I thought I would write a quick entry - well- just cause.

I am actually inbetween shifts at work (the dreaded 'split-shift') and am hopeing to catch the late bus to Ottawa tonight. It seems like it's been so long since I've been home. I will be meeting my god-daughter for the first time which I am very exited about. Spending Easter with my family and friends at home will be a good thing for me right now. Yeeees it will.

Here are some of the random things rumbleing thourgh my head as of late: Paris, Catholics, cats, grant applications, Burkina Faso, Sinead O'connor, candles, icons, tea, my grandfathers, Newfoundland, Poppy...I thyink maybe I should stop there becasue I could probably go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
The mind is a crazy thing. it can think so many things at once.

I saw 'I heart Huckabees' recently and thought it was one of the most brilliant movies that I have seen in a long time. laughed very very very hard. i also saw a movie called 'The Lost Boys of Sudan' this followed the lives of sudanese young men fleeing Sudan and living as refugees in The States...Texas of all places. Incredible movie. Alot to take in though. Made me feel like an ashamed North-American.

Must go now and pack.
Christ is Risen...He is risen indeed.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Sunday night Laundry

I hate it when I leave my laundry till Sunday 11pm. Thats kindof sucks. On that note I must go and start my laundry and then recommence this blog....c u in 5....

so i just put my load of laundry in and i think i may have left it too late...oh well.

So tonight I had the oh so humiliating experience of bursting into tears while leading worship. No not at all. I don't think too many people would have noticed (at least I hope) but it was humiliating all the same. I had some very sweet people tell me after that it did them good to see someone cry in front of them...I have a funny feeling they were just trying to be nice - but I appreciated it all the same. I knew it would probably happen eventually as I am not someone who can easily stop it when it's trying to come....but I felt extra exposed and vulnerable tonight...not very comfortable. I think what God is trying to show me through the bizarre experience of worhsip - is that it is very rarely supposed to be or feel comfortable. Anywayz - I think maybe it was Todd speakign hebrew that started it....for some reason that always gets me. oh - One girl told me that she hears a "longing" in my voice and that it "really hit the spot". I liked that one alot. Music as food! Anyway - all in all a bit of an exhausting evening. But it's all good. what EV er.

On another note...I keep having these amazing conversations with Sharon Coward. When i talk to her it is very eerie - almost like I'm talkign to another version of me. Anywayz - our conversation tonight was a big old encouragement after what seemed to be a very long and lonely week....and we seem to be going through very similar life situaitons. That fact alone is very encourageing. It's so weird that we've met up again after so many great!

This weekend I actually had Friday Saturday AND Sunday off - which is so wierd - but so good. I spent the weekend pretty much alone - other than having dinner with April and Having lunch with Lisa on Friday. April and Shelley went ot Ins and Mari's wedding on I had the day to myself....and it was good - i spent most of it in High park. At one point I think I can say I was actually lost. It was rather amusing. I was listened to Tom Petty which was really funny too as it's been so many years. Anyway it was good to be around trees...and just trees...and no billboards...and very few people.

It seems I have just talke alot of nothing tonight. Ah well. OH - Jen Shank and Lief are happy for them. But it hit a little close to home tonight....part of me was a bit sad too. Wondering how liong I'll be "carrying the freakin torch" so to speak.

Must go. Over and Out

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Cadence was born!!!

This is a very very special evening. This entry is dedicated to a new addition to the human family...

A little girl has been born into the world. Her name is Cadence True Stone White. And I am a god mother for the first time. I am so happy. I got a message on my machine from Tim, her god father...who also sounds very happy.

When I got the call that Krissy was in Labor I decided to paint Cadence a represent her journey from the womb to the great wide open world. I do hope she likes it.

I am so thankful tonight....that this baby has been brought into the world. I have been expecting her...very impatiently. I remember so well the night I found out about her....we didnt know she was a girl at that time...but we kept calling her a she anyway. I have a feeling we will be friends

Krissy! You have a little girl!!!!

I really really wish I had been there. Anyway here is a poem dedicated to Cadence:

Tiny fingernails belong
to Cadence.
how we have waited for you,
littlest girl
to dance around with
to dress up in pink...and undies with ruffles.
Cadence - I see you in my minds eye
waiting and swimming around in the dark
with a sparkle in your eye.
knowing that soon
you would come out yelling your truth from your tiny lungs
for everyone to hear
and that you would be peace for people to hold.

thats all for tonight. Wonderful night.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Crazy dreams

This one was a wiiiiiiierd one.

The dream involved me, John Haggie (that really scary preacher), George Bush and Dick Cheney.
Apparently I was trying to convince Dick Cheney that Both George and John were basically working together and that they are very evil people...and then John started getting fatter and fatter right beofre my eyes..and all his clothes started ripping off becasue they became too small. And then I grabbed Dick Cheney to run out of John's Church, which is where we were..but we were kindof trapped and couldnt get out. It was very scary.

Hopefully it will be better times tonight.
sweet dreams.

Monday, February 28, 2005


to go to india or not to go to india...
what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do what to

Isnt it about time that I got myself some sort-of life instead of gallyvanting around to my hearts content? ? But what does that mean anyway? This "getting a life"? those who find thier life will lose it ...and those who lose thier life will find it. ... if thats the case then mine is bound to turn up soon!
I must remember this years mandate: JUBILEE!!!! to rest to restore & to RELAX.

i think that theres too much going on in my head right now. too much and not enough. So many questions with no answers. too tired to think about it. whatEVer.

Today I was thinking that i'd really like to see a starling again soon. I saw one with my Dad. It was sitting on the wire outside our window and it had been so long sicne I'd seen a bird that close. Then I was on my way home from teaching tonight and it was a full on blizzard and I thought to myself that I won;t be seeing a starling again anytime soon. Ah well. I miss my Dad.


Wednesday, February 23, 2005

God in the Alley...

Today I've been reading this book - "God in the Alley". It's actually been a pretty disturbing read. To think of all of the crazy things that have taken place i nthe lives of Toronto's homeless. I guess you assume that people have been through hell and a handbasket, but I guess it really hits home when you read about the fine details of thier lives.

I was working a split shift today and had a break so I went down to "the path" and sat down in a food Court down there to read. it was pretty funny becasue I nearly broke down in tears numerous times while reading this book and was trying desperately to hide it from the numerous business men who were on break....I was holding it in...but the odd tear would sneak out - I think it just made matters worse. And I guess the ultimate irony is that here I was reading about the exrtreme vulnerability of the broken people described in the book, all i can do is try my damndest to remain all cool so that these business men wouldnt think I was a freak, crying in my tim hortons coffee.....oh the irony.

I think the thing that has hit me the hardest about the book and the people in it is that even though I'm not a hooker, crack addict, alchoholic, schitzophrenic, etc...I felt an eerie sense of sameness with them. Even thought I've neevr lived in a gutter (thanks be to God!) I have totally echoed the sentiments many of them of the storys about a man who had almost gottne off the streets but ended up back there...when asked why he didnt stick in out in rehab he said, pointing to the garbage heap which was his home, "I'm just a piece of shit...and this is where I belong". I read that and was like - "wo - I have felt exactly like that!". I think thats what made it difficult to read....because I am just as broken as him. and thats a hard thing to face. I think the truth is that we are all that broken...but we hate to admit the ugly we hide. becasue we think if people really knew us - I mean REALLY knew us - that would be the end of it.

I think thats the wierd beauty of the utterly vulnerable. They have nothing to hide. They have given up the pretense of having it all together. the homeless, who are disdained..ignored, are living our nightmare....they are living my nightmare. Becasue I work so hard so that i can maintain some level of dignity, i like to be respeted and loved, I want people to think I have it together - and I will fight tooth and nail to make them think that that is the case. That is also a harsh relaization.

this has been a long post. this will be an even longer inner dialogue for sure.
peace out

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

catching snowflakes


Walking out of work today I saw this little kid - probably around 11 or so. He was walking like a gangsta rapper and was clearly trying to be super cool and a lot older than his actual age...but at the same time that he was sporting this attitude he had his toungue sticking out to catch the super huge snowflakes that were falling. I laughed at him....a kid is still a kid. ...No matter how you slice it.

I had a bit of a revelation at the Armadillo today. I was - what the heck am I still doing here?? I hate my job! That was pretty much it. So I think I will quit soon. O happy day it will be when I leave the Armadillo never to return. makes me grin just thinking about it!

Met Blake for coffee after work...we went to Chapters and laughed at my new favorite book "He's just not that into you" written by this guy trying to clue in poor women attached to jerks. It makes me laugh so hard. Every woman should read it! I purchased Greg Pauls new book called "God in the Alley". Very exited to read it.

Now I must get groceries and to the task I've been dreading for over a month now...clean my room. Yikes. I wonder what I shall find.


Monday, February 21, 2005


ok - so here's the dream - I still have to find out what this means - I know of a few other people who have had this happen in thier dreams as well...get ready for it:

I had a dream that I was slowly losing all my teeth... ALL of them...starting with the molars. one by ne they would just start coming lose and then they's just be hanging there and then I'd have to pull them out. After the first five I remember that I was starting to get really concerned and thinking to myself "o mi gosh - I guess I've really been neglecting my teeth lately or something - I need to make a dentist appointement PRONTO!" But it was eventually too late for that as every tooth had fallen out. Then I was like - DAMN - I'm gonna have to get dentures. When I woke up from the dream I thought that I had a mouthful of loose teeth in my mouth. Then when I realized that it was just a dream i was REALLY relieved...I can';t stress that enough - I mean REALLY relieved.

strange...very strange.
over and out,

Thursday, February 17, 2005

back in the T dot

Got back from Ottawa tonight and it was a good trip. Althought I think I may have eaten too much. That always happens when I go mom just keeps shoving food in my face...and we tend to go out and eat alot...i think part of the wierdness is that I go from hardly eating (at least not regularly - don't worrry - I eat) to being around food all the time. It's a strange thing.

it was good to see krissy mike and the boyz again...seems like it's been awhile...Krissy will be having another baby (girl) very very soon - she thinks she'll come out earlier than the due's pretty exiting - I'm gonna be a Godmother! Wow! thats amazing. I loved looking at the babystuff...who knew you could get socks so small.

back to the Armadillo tomorrow- o joy o bliss. How I loooove fajitas - NOT! I was thinking on the greyhound ride tonight about how so much of life can be drudgery. There was this girl sitting next to me on the bus in her first year of University - She was 19 and so exited about life, toronto, school...she was really cute, genuine, and bubbly. it was nice being next to her. But also a grim reminder of how far I feel from that. I literally felt like an old woman as she was talking to me about her was almost laughable. I was just thinkign to myself "how the hell did it come to this? When did I start to feel like this very old and out-of-touch lady?" Irealize that perhaps i just felt that way due to the fact that it's the February blahs...or i was tired...and yah yah yah I know I'm not really "old". But it was justt the look in her eyes...the 'spark' that she had (for lack of a better word)...that made me feel that way.

Anywayz it's all good. Truly. I really big dog greeted me at the door tonight. and that was startling but fun. I getto hunker down with Nelson Mandela's story when I hit the hay...and it is VERY exiting. so yay.

happy Thursday.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

fun with fonts...

FOnts are FUN!

yes indeedy. Officially day 2 of my blogging experience. So far so good.

i just watched a documentary called "What happened to Deborah Winger?" Apparently she was some big actress at some point....and then she just dropped off the scene completely and never made another movie. The documentary was about women in Hollywood basically and the crazy shit that they put up with...and the ageing women actors who have to either get botoxed to death or retire because no one will hire them once thier boobs start to sag or was actually kindof depressing....

so i think i'll sign off now. nighty night cyber folks...

Monday, February 14, 2005

my first blog....

Wow - I'm a blog virgin...why do I feel as if I'm doing something naughty??!!

I think maybe because it is highly likely that no-one but complete strangers will ever read this. Who's crazy idea was this anyhow? - to post thier journal for the world to see...and why are we drawn to read other peoples private thoughts,feelings...etc...wierd. and why have i decided to do this? boredom? ican';t even spell!. ah well...i think this will be freeing in a wierd way.

It's valentines day. i'm in Ottawa. Had a bath in ma and pa's cool crib. watched the Bachlorette (oh - the shame) and thats all i'll say about that.

it's just occured to me that I really have nothing to say right now. sad but thats not true. I have something to say...
I found out tonight that our english word for person, in latin actually means "through sound".

I found that interesting. Sometimes it's just about sound. SOmeitmes i feel like a hollow gong. like there is nothing that resounds in me. and sometomes i feel like there is so much noise inside of me i could go deaf. Iampersonlistentome.


over and out,